Chapter 5

A/N: Okay if you've gotten this far then by now you should know that I don't own Artemis Fowl. This is the last chapter. And it has reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I don't own so yeah.

After the little call waiting incident Artemis decided he would calm his mind and watch the Magical Bunnies and the river of Happiness movie. Artemis retrieved the movie from his room and put it in the DVD player. No sooner had he pushed play, the phone rang. Artemis remembered what Foaly had said and answered the phone. Immediately he hung up. That was not ten seconds. Cursing himself for being an idiot, Artemis put the phone down thinking the freak would call again. AND that time he would stay on the phone long enough for Foaly to trace the call. Soon after Artemis thought this the phone rang again. Artemis picked up instantly and of course hung up. Damn it! Artemis thought. Come on boy genius just stay on the phone for 10 seconds. Like that song says I think I can I think I can I think I can. The phone rang again. This time Artemis was in full concentration. He picked up the phone and answered.

"Hello?"

"Why have you been hanging up on me? Just because I'm harassing you is no excuse to be rude. My goodness. It's called common courtesy. You'll never get any were being rude. Now I'm going to hang up, and when I call again you better be a lot more polite." Artemis hung up. There was only so much one person could take. That had to be at least 10 seconds. Now all that there was left to do was wait for Foaly's call. Or Holly to come over what ever happened first. Artemis was getting up to go to the fridge when the phone rang again. The question was whether to answer it or not. It could be the freaky caller guy who obviously had a thing for manners and was really perverted. Or it could be Foaly tracing the call and Artemis really didn't know what would happen after that. Artemis gave in and answered the phone of evilness.

"Hello"

"Artemis, it's Foaly I've traced the calls. He's in the rafters!"

"We don't have rafters."

"Well obviously you do or he wouldn't be in them!"

"I'm serous! I don't think we have rafters."

"What about the attic?" Artemis looked up toward to ceiling and got a bad feeling in his stomach. He then threw up all over the phone cutting off Foaly. After the puke had exited Artemis's body, Artemis ran into the garage and retrieved the diamond incrusted ax. Were they got all this diamond incrusted stuff, Artemis really couldn't say. Artemis ran up stairs to Randi's room only to hear the a big thud in the attic as the creepy stalker guy fell trying to punch through ceiling. Crap he knows that that I know. Artemis ran into his sister's room and turned on the light. Randi was still in her bed, but there was something behind it. Upon a closer look, Artemis realized it was Holly, and she didn't look alive.

"Oh Holly," Artemis yelled all dramatically dropping the blunt end of the ax on his foot. It was quite painful. "Killed in her youth. Never to tell the young and handsome Artemis Fowl her undying love for him. Oh the horror and pain!" Holly got up and started laughing hysterically. Obviously she was not dead if she was laughing. Artemis was now confused. How do the dead get up and start laughing? "Okay now I'm confused."

"Oh that was great. I'm not dead by the way. I got you so good. It was hilarious!" Holly was trying to get a hold of herself. "Okay I'm calming down. So anyway Foaly sent me over here so what's the problem."

"There's a crazy stalker guy in my house and he's been stalking me!"

"You don't say."

"Here, take her," Artemis said handing Randi to Holly. "I've got a creepy stalker guy to get out of my house."

"Artemis, don't be an idiot. You can't take on a creepy stalker guy."

"Oh yes I can. He kept me from my pudding enjoyment." Artemis said cocking the ax. Despite the fact that axes don't cock. Artemis provided his own sound affects. "Take Randi outside and keep her away from the creepy stalker guy. I'll be back"

"Okay Mud Boy but it's your funeral." Holly answered flying outside with Randi. Artemis was ready. At least he thought he was ready. The teen put his hand on the door and turned to door knob. He threw the door open, it bounced off the little door stop and smacked him in the nose. Artemis got up after this little mishap. He was completely undiscouraged. With that, Artemis threw caution to the wind and stepped out of the door.

It was dark. Very dark the kind of dark that makes chickens lay eggs. Artemis stepped into the hall. His knees were knocking together so hard that anyone could have found him. He walked down the hall. There was a thump behind him. Artemis lost all of his bravery and ran down the hall screaming. At the stairs he ran into the creepy stalker guy and they both fell down the stairs screaming. Artemis saw his short life flashing before his eyes. Man, he thought My life has sucked. The creepy stalker guy saw his life flashing before his eyes. Wow, did I really kill that many people? They both hit the bottom of the stairs with a thud.

The creepy stalker guy got up. Artemis got up. Artemis then fell down again. Then he got up again, grabbed the ax and was ready for a fight. The creepy stalker guy had a ski mask. He was about as big as Butler and was wearing all black. Artemis felt his frail heart speed up as he raised the ax for attack.

"You won't do it kid," The creepy stalker guy teased. "I would have killed you before you could even take a swing." The creepy stalker guy laughed. It was a creepy stalker guy kind of laugh. It would chill water, unfreshinze fresh peaches, and make dinners go cold. Artemis didn't like it. Only Artemis was allowed to have a creepy kind of laugh like that. So Artemis gathered all the strength he could and swung the ax down on the creepy stalker guy's arm. It came down and cut off the creepy stalker guy's arm. Ketchupy blood poured out of the wound.

"Oh shit." Artemis nearly yelled. He cut off a guys arm, and the arm was next to him having little spasms. "Well I think I've won this fight."

"No you haven't."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can still fight you."

"Your arm's gone."

"It's just a flesh wound."

"Please," Artemis said walking away when creepy stalker guy grabbed him around the neck. Creepy stalker guy's blood was getting all over him. Artemis, remembering his fainting condition, decided to redirect that power into barfing, and Artemis barfed all over creepy stalker guy. Creepy stalker guy didn't like this much. So he tried to attack Artemis again. Artemis this time hacked off creepy stalker guy's other arm.

"HAHA!" Artemis laughed. "I win so nueea" sticking his tongue out at creepy stalker guy. Creepy stalker guy wasn't going out without a fight so he kicked Artemis. "Ow, that hurt." Creepy stalker guy kicked Artemis again. Artemis feeling no more need to use the ax, threw it aside. Then he ran at creepy stalker guy and knocked him down. Artemis fought like real hero, he disarmed the enemy so they couldn't defend them selves then he beat the living snot out of them.

Then Artemis remembered the three digit number. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I remember now." Artemis ran over to the last cordless in the house and dialed 9-1-1. "Yeah there's a creepy stalker guy in my house so some help would be appreciated." Then just for the heck of it Artemis took the ax and smashed the phone. Now how was Artemis going to explain how the diamond incrusted ax became a ruby incrusted ax? He would worry about that later. When he went upstairs to change he found Randi asleep in her crib. After Artemis changed he heard the door open.

"Arty, we're home. Why are all the phones destroyed?"

Oh crap

END!

A/N: WWWEEEE It's done! That took a lot of work. But it was so worth it. I want to thank penguin 2 for some really great ideas! And I hope you guys liked it! I might write an epilogue. Later. Um… Reviews would be cool. BYE!