A/N: Hello and welcome to chapter 13! Quick note: this one is... a little heavy. This has been a relatively light fanfic so far, so I wanted to warn readers that this one gets into some deeper stuff from Rory's cannon past.

Trigger Warning: There is some discussion in this chapter that references a (cannon) manipulative/toxic relationship and there is an implication of manipulation in reference to sex. If this kind of content is triggering to you, please skip this chapter. There will be a brief and vague summary of Rory and Jess's discussion at the beginning of chapter 14 to catch you up if you choose not to read this chapter.

Have a great day, lovely readers.

Chapter 13

Saturday night, Jess and Rory sat curled up on the couch watching a movie. But the further into the movie they got, the more Rory's mind wandered. She'd been spending a lot of time reflecting on her history with Jess and she had come to the realization that there were still bits and pieces of his life that she didn't know about. She knew a lot of his childhood was only open for discussion when he offered up the information and though she was curious she knew better than to push him on it – she would hear those stories when he was ready to share them with her. Still, there were certain little things she was curious about. Had he ever broken a bone, his favorite childhood book, first kisses – those kinds of things.

"Hey, Jess?"

"Hmm?" Jess responded distractedly, eyes on the TV.

"Can I ask you something?"

He turned to her and kissed her forehead. "Always."

"When did you have your first kiss?" she asked with a sheepish smile.

Jess smirked and furrowed his brow. "What?" he asked with a chuckle.

Rory shrugged. "I don't know, I was just thinking that there's still a lot I don't know about you that I want to know."

Jess smiled that soft, expressive smile that he reserved only for her. "Let's see…" He thought for a moment. "I think I was probably, like, six? And a girl on the playground at school dared me."

Rory smiled. "Well, you definitely couldn't say no to that."

"Nope, had to do it. It was the law of the first grade." He smirked.

Rory turned and cuddled into Jess's side. "That's adorable."

Jess snorted. "Sure, I guess."

"It is!"

"Fine, whatever you say dear," he retorted as Rory giggled. "What about you?"

Rory snorted. "Um, it was Dean…"

"Aw jeez, really?" Jess looked mildly disgusted.

"Yep. I was sixteen, we were at Doose's, he was going to give me a free soda and hid them behind his back and told me to pick a hand. When I went to pick, he leaned down and kissed me."

"Must've had to lean down pretty far…"

Rory slapped his chest and laughed. "Stop!"

"My curiosity is getting the best of me. What happened after that?"

Rory laughed aloud. "Um, I…" She shook her head in embarrassment.

"What? Oh come on, now you have to tell me."

"I said 'thank you' and ran away," she mumbled embarrassedly.

Jess stared at her, eyes wide, before throwing his head back and laughing.

"Stop! I was humiliated!" Rory cried through her own giggles. "Plus, I committed a crime that day," she said almost a little proudly.

"Really?"

"Yep. I shoplifted a box of cornstarch," she said boldly.

It only made Jess laugh harder. "So, what, the yacht was just another thing in your series of heists?"

Rory gaped at him, trying and failing to contain the laughter. "Like you're one to talk! Where are those baseballs and gnomes, huh?"

"Hey, Pierpont was safely returned to Babette's yard!"

Rory's jaw dropped. "You remember its name?" Rory burst into a fresh bout of giggles.

Jess blushed and looked away.

"Ha! I win!" Rory cried, a victorious grin spreading across her face.

Jess smirked and shook his head, refocusing on the movie. "Whatever…" he mumbled.

Rory settled back down into his side and Jess kissed her head. It wasn't long before Rory had another question she wanted to ask.

"Hey," she started.

"Yeah?" Jess asked, turning to face her.

"Before we met… I mean, I figured you were probably more experienced than me, but I never really knew how much, and we never really went much further than kissing…"

"Rory?"

"Yeah?" Rory turned to look at Jess who had an amused smirk on his face.

"Are you asking me if I was a virgin?"

Rory blushed and looked away. "Yes," she responded in a small voice. "Ignore me. This is weird."

"Stop, it's alright to ask. No, I wasn't. But it never meant anything. It means a whole lot more now that it's with you," he responded, stroking her cheek.

Rory smiled. "Seriously, you have a way with words that calms a girl down really well." Rory paused. "Can I ask who?"

Jess cringed. "Yeah…" he sighed. "Her name was Amy, I was 15, we hooked up at a party and never spoke to each other again."

Rory resisted the laugh that was trying to escape. "Sounds incredibly romantic."

Jess snorted. "Yeah, that's one way of putting it." He cleared his throat. "What about you?"

Rory's stomach dropped. "Hmm?" she asked innocently.

"I mean, I know in high school you hadn't, but the other night you said you'd 'done stuff' before. Was your first time with Logan?" Jess repressed the sneer that came with Logan's name.

Rory cleared her throat. "Uh, no, actually."

"Really?"

"Yep!" Her voice was squeaky and small despite trying to control it.

"Then who was it?"

"Um… it was Dean, actually," Rory answered as casually as she possibly could.

"But in high school, you said you'd never…"

"I didn't. It was in college." Rory stayed frozen where she was laying on Jess, avoiding eye contact like the plague.

"College?" The gears in Jess's brain were turning.

"Yeah, uh, a couple years ago, between freshman and sophomore year."

Jess's brow furrowed. "Wasn't Dean… didn't he get married right after high school?"

Rory sat up and folded her arms over her stomach as the anxious nausea set in. "Yes, he did," Rory said quietly, head lowered, eyes boring holes into her knees.

Jess shifted uncomfortably and turned off the movie as he began to put the pieces together. He cleared his throat and spoke slowly, staring a spot on the floor. "When you two… was he still married?"

"Yes," she whispered

Jess couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had to be dreaming, and if he was it was a nightmare. This wasn't Rory. Rory would never. "You and Dean…"

"Dean and I had an affair."

Jess felt dizzy as the timeline started to unravel in his mind. "After your first year at Yale."

"Yes."

"How long after?"

"What?"

Jess spoke in a low, controlled voice. "You heard me. How long after? After you finished school? How long after I came to your dorm and…" Rory's eyes filled with tears. "How long?" Jess demanded.

"A week," Rory whispered.

The anger Jess was attempting to contain began to surface. He stood, running a hand over his face. He laughed bitterly as he turned to face Rory. "A week? Rory…" he scoffed. "I come to Yale and ask you come with me, to give me another chance, telling you that I've changed, only for you to tell me no, pretty rudely, I might add. And then one week later, you jump into bed with your married ex-boyfriend?" Jess was yelling now.

Rory's head shot up. Her eyes shot daggers at him. "Hey, it was not that simple!"

"Was he married?"

"Yes."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"Yes."

"Sounds pretty friggin' simple to me!" He turned away from her, not wanting to look her in the eye, not wanting to show how hurt he was on top of the anger.

"Jess, that's not fair! You aren't letting me explain!" Rory stood, blinking back hot angry tears as she spoke to Jess's back.

"Then explain. Explain to me how you justify all this."

Rory regretted every word as she spoke them, anger and defensiveness overcoming rational thought. "He and Lindsay weren't happy! I hate that it hurt so many people and the mess that it turned into but… they weren't happy, and he was safe and kind and it just… it just happened! He still loved me!"

Jess spun around. "So did I!" he screamed, pointing at his chest. The words caused Rory to stumble back, her tears finally escaping and pouring down her face. "So did I, Rory! I know the way I went about telling you was wrong, but I still loved you! Would I have asked you to run away with me if I didn't? No! I poured my heart out to you, Rory, and then two years later I find out that a week after you told me no, shouted in my face that you didn't want to be with me, you had sex with your married ex-boyfriend? Put yourself in my shoes! Imagine how it feels to hear this!"

"You're right," Rory whispered.

"You're damn right I'm right."

"I'm sorry, Jess, I…" Rory said, though it came out as a sob.

Jess held up his hand to stop her. "Was he the reason you said no?"

Rory shook her head. "No!"

Jess paused. "The other night you said that me asking you to leave scared you." He looked down and took a shaky breath before continuing. "Did…" he cleared his throat. "Did that have anything to do with you… sleeping with him?"

Rory's eyes widened and the color drained from her face. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.

Jess put his hands on his hips and stared at the floor nodding his head. "Yeah. That's what I thought," he said in a hoarse voice. He grabbed his shoes and jacket from by the door.

Terror filled her body as she lunged toward him, trying to anchor him, to keep him there, from leaving again. "Jess! Wait, please! I'm so sorry, I…"

Jess stopped in the doorway. "I'm not—I just need some air. I'll be back." He left, slamming the door behind him, leaving Rory alone in the apartment.

Rory collapsed to the floor in a sobbing heap. She shook her head, not able to believe she had screwed it up again. She had hurt him. Her affair with Dean had hurt yet another person, and oh what an important person it had hurt this time. She pounded the floor with her fist, angry at herself, at Dean, at Jess, at the situation. She should have told him. It would have been so much better if she had been up front about it. He would have been mad, but it would have been better than this. She tried to convince herself it was just about protecting him, but there was a persistent voice in her head trying to convince her that she had omitted the truth out of self-preservation. She hated that the voice was right. Regret and shame and fear settled in her stomach like a stone. She remained on the floor, crying until her head hurt, then moved into the bedroom, silent tears still streaming down her face as she changed into her pajamas and crawled onto the bed and cried herself to sleep.

Jess walked aimlessly, the blood rushing in his ears. He was angry at Rory. He hated being angry at Rory, but there it was all the same. He was angry at Dean. It was a new layer to the anger he had felt in high school, like Dean had kept Rory from Jess yet again, but this time on a much deeper level. He was angry at himself. Another familiar feeling, one that he'd learned to live with but one that brought up more dark thoughts than he cared to admit. But more than the anger, he was hurt. He hurt so deeply for the version of him that had asked the woman he loved to be with him, only to have the word "no" shouted in his face. Only now he knew what happened after he left that dorm room, and it was a new level of hurt that made him feel sick to his stomach.

He picked up speed, almost running as if trying to escape the pain and fury boiling inside of him. When escaping didn't work, he felt himself boil over and he punched a wooden telephone pole as hard as he possibly could. The physical pain of the impact helped numb the ache inside him, but only for a moment until it all came back to him, this time with the addition of bleeding knuckles. He winced and walked to a nearby drugstore to purchase gauze and cigarettes. He had quit smoking a few years ago, but tonight he needed his vice.

He sat down on the curb and smoked the first cigarette with shaking hands before pulling out another. When a second one didn't help, he groaned and threw the pack into the gutter. He put his head in his hands, breathing unsteadily. Somewhere, deep down, he knew that Rory didn't hurt him intentionally. Not consciously, at least. If only he had gone into the dorm with more of a plan than "run away with me". If only he had gone into it calmer. If only Dean hadn't been there moments before him. If only she hadn't said no. If only things were different. If only…

But things weren't different. This was how it was. They had both made decisions that hurt themselves and each other, and now they had to deal with the repercussions of those decisions.

He hated that she had kept this part of her history a secret. Maybe it was hypocritical to feel that way – he had his own secrets. But going into this they had promised to come clean, and she hadn't. His secrets had nothing to do with them and everything to do with his time before he met her.

As he sat on the curb, trying to ignore the chill that was seeping from the concrete and into his bones, it slowly dawned on him that maybe she had kept it a secret to avoid hurting him. Maybe she knew how much it would feel like a slap across the face. And maybe it had been the wrong choice considering they had come clean to each other about many other things, but maybe she had done it out of kindness. Out of love.

Jess grimaced and rubbed his eyes. He and Rory had had a practically perfect weekend together. She was leaving the next day and at that moment it seemed as though they would be ending their perfect weekend with a blowout of a fight. Their first fight, this time at least. He sighed deeply before standing and beginning the walk back to Truncheon. As much as he still hated talking about vulnerable matters, he was better at it than before, and he knew a discussion needed to happen if they were going to end their weekend on anything close to a positive note. And if he had any say in the matter, she wasn't going home until they had a chance to patch things up.

He entered the apartment and went into his room to find Rory asleep on the made bed, tissues in her hand and tear stains on her face. He took a wobbly breath as tears stung his eyes. He clenched his jaw and blinked hard, refusing to cry. He said her name softly and placed his hand on her arm to try to wake her.

Rory blinked her eyes open slowly. Seeing Jess, she sat up quickly but resisted the urge to wrap her arms around him when she saw the troubled look on his face. Her tears started afresh.

"Jess, I am so sorry. I should have told you. I shouldn't have yelled. I should have thought about your side of this. You have every right to be angry at me. Yell, scream, I deserve it. Just please, talk to me." She sniffed and smelled the cigarette odor on his clothes. "You smell like smoke."

"Yep." His voice was hoarse.

"I thought you stopped smoking."

"Well, I guess it just happened," Jess bit back. Rory winced and Jess squeezed his eyes shut in regret. "I'm sorry, that was a low blow."

"I deserve it."

"Still, I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"Rory…" Jess took a breath, running his hand through his hair. "I don't know what to say."

"Say what you're thinking."

He hesitated.

"I'm angry."

"Okay."

"At you. At Dean."

"Me too."

"Well, at least we agree there."

"Yeah."

"I'm hurt." Rory started to apologize again before Jess put his hand up to stop her. "I know. You're sorry. Doesn't change that I'm hurt." His voice was low and full of emotion. "We went into this with what I thought was a clean slate. Finding out you still had secrets – big, life-altering secrets that, by extension, involve me... That hurt, Rory."

Rory sniffed. "I should have told you."

"Why didn't you?"

She shrugged. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Jess huffed a bitter laugh through his nose. "Ironic."

Rory decided to run the risk of angering Jess again, feeling he deserved a full explanation. "I was really, really confused then. Dean had been flirting for a while and I…" she took a breath. "I flirted back, knowing he was married. I knew I shouldn't, but it was so easy and comfortable when it was just us. And I really didn't say no to you because of him, but when you showed up, I got even more confused. And you were always wild and exciting and terrifying, and it's so unfair for me to compare you guys but Dean was supposedly stable and secure, and so when he came to my house one night, the night of the Dragonfly opening, and he told me he and Lindsay weren't happy and he started kissing me…"

Jess's eyes widened as a wave of nausea washed over him. "Rory… did he…?"

Rory shook her head. "No! No, nothing like that."

Jess clenched his jaw. "But he manipulated you," he growled.

Rory looked down at her hands in her lap and sniffed. "Maybe."

Jess never hated Dean more than he did at that moment.

"He shouldn't have done that."

"Maybe not. But I was a willing participant. The flirting, the sex, the awful relationship that followed…"

Jess looked down, shaking his head. "But he was the one that was married. He should never have put you in that position."

Rory was getting frustrated. "Jess, be as mad at Dean as you want, but I'm not blameless here!"

"I know," Jess said quickly. "But it sounds like you regret your part in it."

Rory sighed heavily. "Every single day."

"Tell me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like Dean regrets what he did to you."

Rory's eyes welled up. "You're probably right," she whispered.

A heavy silence fell over them.

"I wanted it to be you."

He looked back at her. "Huh?"

"I wanted my first time to be with you."

Jess melted a little. "Oh."

"I wasn't ready back then. And then, when I was ready, well..."

Jess looked down, ashamed. "I left."

Rory nodded. "But I wanted to. I even told my mom." She smiled slightly at the memory.

"You what?" His eyes were wide.

"She asked if I was thinking about… it. And I told her I was. With you."

"Damn, no wonder she had it out for me."

"That among other things," Rory chuckled. "Jess…"

"Yeah?"

"Are we… okay?"

Jess looked down. "Not yet."

"Will we be?" Rory asked nervously.

"Yeah, I think we will," he whispered with a hint of a smile.

He reached up to stroke her face with his bandaged hand. Rory gasped when she felt the gauze.

"Jess! What happened?" she asked, grabbing his hand and examining the blood-soaked bandage.

"Oh… I punched a pole." He blushed, hoping it was too dark for her to see.

"Oh."

"Yep."

"That was dumb."

"Yep." He chuckled tiredly.

Rory laughed softly and looked at Jess. Her smile faded and she put her hand on his cheek and he leaned into it. "What are you thinking now?" she asked quietly.

Jess sighed. "That I don't want to talk anymore."

Rory took a deep, shuddering breath. "Me neither."

"Can we just lay here?"

"Please."

Jess kicked off his shoes and he and Rory climbed under the covers, holding each other as they fell into a drained and dreamless sleep.

Jess and Rory went about their routine bathed in a thick silence the next morning, broken only by small talk. Rory knew they wouldn't go back to normal immediately; she was just very ready for them to find their new normal for this awful interim period to be over, especially considering that that afternoon she would be driving back to school and the couple would be going back to long-distance.

They sat at the table eating their breakfast and reading the morning paper as tensely one could read a newspaper when Matt and Chris came home.

"Hey, Jess, you seriously missed out last night!" Chris laughed as he grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.

"Bummer," Jess said without looking up.

"Aw, man, shut up!" Matt said, pouting as he sat down on the couch.

"I will not! Jess, you should have been there. We're at the bar, right? And Matt is already totally plastered. He sees this girl and practically falls at her feet he's so enamored by her. But he gets so nervous when he finally works up the courage to go talk to her that this godawful French accent comes out of nowhere. And he keeps it up the whole night, until he's just talking to us. But, get this, the girl sneaks up behind him, hears him, realizes the accent was fake, and throws her drink in his face and storms out followed by her entourage of friends. It was fantastic."

"Sounds it," Jess replied tensely.

Matt and Chris traded uncomfortable glances at each other as Rory got up to clear her cereal bowl and excused herself from the room to go get her things together.

"I'm sorry, did we interrupt something?" Matt asked in a hushed voice, getting off the couch and walking over to where Jess was sitting.

"No." Jess continued to read the paper. Or at least pretend to read it.

Chris looked at Matt. "Uh oh, he's gone monosyllabic."

"Yep. Something's definitely wrong," Matt responded. His eyes went wide as he noticed the scabs and bruises forming on Jess's knuckles. "Whoa, what happened to your hand?"

"Nothing." Jess looked up at his concerned roommates and rolled his eyes. He sighed, deciding it was best to get this conversation over with. "We had a fight last night. It was bad, I hit a phone pole." He got up to clear his own dishes. "We're just… in that weird, post-fight phase. It'll be fine," he said, trying to convince himself just as much as the guys. Just then, Rory walked out into the living room carrying her bag and froze as all eyes in the room stopped on her.

"Um. Hi?"

Matt and Chris simply waved in return as the four of them sat in awkward silence. Jess cleared his throat and signaled for the guys to give them the room.

"Hey, Matt, can you help me with that thing downstairs?"

"Huh?"

"Dude."

"Oh! Yeah, the uh, the thing. Let us go take care of the thing," Matt said each word as though he had never spoken them before.

"Smooth, man. Smooth." Chris clapped Matt on the back as they left the apartment.

"So…" Rory started. "I have to go home now."

"Yep," Jess responded hoarsely. He desperately wanted to feel normal and knew Rory felt the same. He just didn't know how to make it normal.

"Jess…"

"I'm sorry. For how I reacted."

"You had every right," she said quietly.

"Except that I didn't. It happened two years ago. It's in the past. I shouldn't make you feel bad about something in the past, especially when Dean is just as much at fault if not more. He was the married one, he shouldn't have put you in that situation."

"But it hurt you."

Jess shook his head. "Look, last night it was like I reverted back to who I was when I was 19. I'm not him anymore, and I know you're not who you were at 19 either. Yes, it hurt. Hearing about it hurt, and you not telling me sooner hurt. But I know you didn't do what you did to hurt me, not directly."

"Can you…" Rory's voice broke. "Can you forgive me?"

Jess's face softened. "Rory... already have."

The tears Rory had been keeping at bay began to spill down her cheeks. "Thank you."

"C'mere." Jess pulled Rory into a tight hug, his own eyes stinging.

"Is this going to change things between us?" she asked in a small voice.

Jess shrugged. "Probably."

"I hate that."

Jess took a deep breath. "I think it might be a good change."

Rory pulled away slightly to look into his eyes, her brow furrowed. "What makes you think that?"

"We made it through our first fight. Neither of us took the easy way out. That's gotta be good for something." He gave her a small smile and wiped away a tear with his thumb.

Rory offered a small smile in return. "Very adult of both of us."

"That's how this grown-up relationship thing is supposed to work, right?"

"So I hear. Think it's all it's cracked up to be?"

Jess looked deep into Rory's eyes. "I know it is."

Rory pulled him back in and held him. He released the breath he didn't realize he was holding and tucked his head into the crook of her neck. "I love you, y'know," he mumbled against her skin.

Rory smiled the tiniest bit. "I'll never get tired of hearing that."

"I'll never get tired of saying it."

She closed her eyes. "I love you, too," she whispered back.