Lightning-Dono: Thank you for the reviews, guys...no matter what, I know that you'll be there and that helps me update more than anything, especially with my busy schedule. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. I really appreciate it.

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Second of Fall

The more I talk to Gustafa, the more I'm intrigued by his dedication to his passion and the more I find myself subconsciously comparing him to Jack. It's hardly even noticeable, but it's there. There's just this nagging in my mind that forces me to size them up in my mind, just to prove to myself somehow that Gustafa is better...and he is. It just scares me that I'm so worried about falling for Jack when Winter is coming...there has been a legend floating around that the couple that marries on the last day of the year will receive the greatest amounts of luck and well-being. Although I'm not the least bit superstitious (Honestly now, as long as both people in the relationship are willing to make it happen, it doesn't matter when you're married.), it's always a great comfort to know that if all else fails, there's something to back it up.

He gave me a Trick Blue today, which had to be the sweetest thing ever. But peace never lasts, however, since the valley's ever spontaneous weather decided to start dumping rain on us the moment Gustafa began strapping on his guitar to...serenade me, I suppose. The only thing I could think was, damn it angels, if you have to cry, cry later. Obviously that couldn't be helped and I didn't want to come across a bad sport to the guy, so I just followed him into his hut. He sang to me in there while I just sat there, static and like a board, on his bed feeling stupid while I looked at his insanely vibrantly colored dwelling. Come on now, he has more colors than the rainbow in there. But it was better than being outside and having to stare at an endlessly gray sky that isn't painful to the eyes, but isn't alive. His song...I have to admit sounded better than his regular miscellaneous, repetitive strumming. It had breathtaking chords, and his fingers just...danced across the strings and his voice just went beyond his usual range of ability. It was wonderful.

Then I decided I would ask Gustafa something. It might not have been much of a breakthrough since he may have realized it was coming all ready, but I asked him if he liked me. Whoa, wrong thing to say, since, excuse the fact that I need to insert this here in order for it not to rhyme in a horrendously corny fashion, it ruined my day. Completely. I thought I would be pulled into his arms, or something of the sort, but all he did was fondle his guitar strings and say, "Sure I do. I like you as a friend." He turned to me, his eyes expressionless as his purple lenses shielded them, but I could tell. Gustafa was smiling, and it wasn't because I looked like I was suppressing sobs of anger, but because it was the truth.

I hated him right then. I hated the fact that I had been his friend, tried to impress him for so long (inconspicuously, I admit), been with him at times where he was in tragically depressing moods, everything...I just thought I deserved more than that. So all I did was say I had to leave because I didn't think the rain would let up later, and he let me go. Into the cold, slashing rain just because he was too selfish to offer me kindly advice and tell me to stay so I didn't catch anything.

Now I know how Muffy felt, just to be ripped apart by Jack. Gustafa's attack was much subtler, but I had instigated it. If I hadn't asked that stupid question, I would be a thousand times happier and I'd still have feelings for him. Was knowing really better than being naive about the whole love scheme? If I hadn't asked and he hadn't replied with that, would I have had more time to make him like me even more? Perhaps even as a girlfriend? Those thoughts just keep crowding my mind and every sentence begins with "what if".

I feel like I'm looking through a mirror. A part of me knows Jack and the other knows Muffy. And sadly, I know exactly how both of them feel. It's such an ugly feeling, being able to sympathize for both sides, almost at the edge of an emotional imbalance. It's strange being able to feel for both parts of the equation.

Atleast now I know what to do. I need to make my heart harder, stronger so no feelings of love penetrate it. I always wanted to love someone and have them love me back. I had wanted to love my father and have him accept me and love me as his daughter. I had wanted the same thing with Gustafa, but as his soul mate. As a child, I was secretly a hopeless romantic. But my fantasies will never come true.

No one loves me accept Jack, and even then he doesn't truly love me. He just wants a replacement for what he lost quite purposely.

No one cares about my relationship with Gustafa. I want to go back to him so much and listen to him strum and hum to his melodies on the guitar. But I can't now, because it hurts too much to see him.

Maybe it's just better if I don't love and don't know love.