Note: 15790 hits. The views suddenly spurted when Gai came in.

"My Eternal Rival, I have been gloriously informed that you have taken some new students! Come; introduce me to them, that I may judge the brightness of their flames of youth! Surely my Eternal Rival's treasured students will be worthy of the honor of their teacher! Come, show me your Jutsu!"

Somewhere outside Hogwarts, crickets chirped and somewhere in the back of Kakashi's head was a voice that was currently crying out for mercy. It sounded remarkably like his own from the old days when Obito was around and still determined to drive him stark raving mad. Morosely Kakashi wondered what he had done to deserve this.

"Speaking of which, my Eternal Rival, it is your turn to decide the challenge we shall undertake! I eagerly await your decision with the burning brightness of youth!"

Frantically Kakashi tried to think of a challenge! Any challenge that would get Gai out of the range of his senses, any challenge that would get Gai out of his sight for a day or for the rest of the week if he was lucky.

Suddenly, it hit the Copy Nin like a thrown shuriken.

Kakashi gave a small debatably evil smile and stood up from the table. He had the perfect plan. It was a plan worthy of Uchiha Itachi!

-

Somewhere in the wilderness of the Earth Country, Itachi sneezed. Oh, Sasuke must be talking about him again. Foolish little brother! He was going to get nowhere if he kept ranting about his brother instead of training.

-

"Ano, Gai-sensei, I have thought of a challenge." Kakashi took a hold of the collar of Gai's Chuunin vest and hauled him out of the hall as fast as he could without seeming suspicious, which given the fact Gai had apparently dumbstruck the entire hall was very, very fast since no one in the right mind would want to be with Gai longer than necessary.

As the door closed behind them, the hall returned to life.

"Bloody hell, that fellow was weird!" Ron yelled. "That bloke's totally nutters!" Harry gave a vigorous nod.

"What can that green abomination possibly want with Professor Hatake?" Hermione wailed, blinking as she removed her hands from her face, apparently she had been covering her eyes.

"Albus…" Professor McGonagall began. Dumbledore chuckled and raised a hand. "There is nothing to worry about. That is Professor Hatake's comrade. He will be staying here for a month before returning to their homeland."

Harry, Ron and Hermione paled. Professor Snape flinched. Professor Trelawney began murmuring of bad luck.

There was a loud shout from behind the doors and then Professor Hatake burst out, behind him a very, very hyper Gai. The green spandex clad Chuunin pointed a finger at Kakashi. "So it is decided, my Eternal Rival! We will fight tomorrow morn, in front of the most glorious expanse of water in the most honorable duel known as Rock, Paper Scissors!"

The whole table was staring at Gai oddly, and then came the uproarious laughter.

"Alright, it's certain. He's gone bonkers!" This came from Ron.

"Is this normal behavior for your…friend?" This came from Hermione, who was fighting to keep a straight face.

Harry simply laughed. Snape flinched from the sudden explosion of noise then stared in shock at the violently green man, torn between laughing his head off or smirking viciously or covering his eyes, because the very sight of this abomination burnt his eyes… Trelawney broke into tears.

"I, Maito Gai, will fight with the sublime power and supreme heat of the flames of Youth! You, my Eternal Rival, will wilt in the magnificent flames of Konohagakure no Sato's Beautiful Green Beast!"

Snape's eye twitched. "What the heck is Kow-noh-hah-gah-kuh-rey-noh-sa-toh supposed to be?" He wondered as he was supposed to be spying for Lucius Malfoy. Clearly Malfoy had been misinformed. This…idiot could not possibly be the guard's superior. That left five candidates, the guards and the teacher. Snape would bet good money that it was the teacher, since the others seemed to be subordinates.

Hm…Voldemort must know of this.

Speaking of such matters, what possible approach could they take to get the teacher on their side, maybe bribe him, but with what?

Art, maybe, or gold? If not money, then women? Slaves, maybe? Rare artifacts or animals or maybe knowledge. But what could a man who knew wandless magic be bribed with if it would be knowledge that he wanted.

Well, it wasn't his problem anymore. It was Malfoy's.

Snape smirked an evil, evil smirk at the thought of Lucius Malfoy attempting to negotiate with the complete imbecile in green, the meddling seemingly mute guard, or the absolutely infuriating teacher who seemed to be too presumptuous for his own good.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

"How dare you mutate the name of our beloved home? You who do not burn with the fire of Youth! You who are clearly in the Winter of your Discontent! How dare you judge one such as I, Konoha's Beautiful Green Beast!" Gai yelled out, pointing a finger at Snape, the flames of Youth burning behind him in a brilliantly violent orange and red background.

How the heck did he do that? Was it some kind of demented spell?

If Snape was the type, he would have covered his face in his hands and whimper incoherently as Kakashi was currently doing. Heh, Snape smirked again, happy to see that the big-headed teacher was suffering. It was almost worth the green-spandex induced mental trauma.

"I'm sure he meant no offense, " Dumbledore said cheerfully, raising a bowl of lemon drops to offer it to the new arrival. "Lemon drop?"

"Apology accepted!" Gai yelled, and gave thumbs up number 552, 'All is right in the world'.

Of course, Snape mused moodily. Dumbledore would get on famously with the new arrival. They clearly had the same revolting fashion sense. The stuffed vulture on Dumbledore's hat said that much. Not to mention the radiantly mismatched rainbow sparkly robes.

Kakashi moved toward Gai, his composure was now serious. "Ne, Gai-sensei, let's do the duel now."

Gai smiled, the light from the windows shining off his teeth. "Ah, my Eternal Rival, you have finally mustered the courage to do the challenge so early! Listen up! If I do not defeat you with my burning flames of Youth, I will run five-hundred laps around Hogwarts!"

Kakashi, with a look of complete seriousness into his face moved into a martial stance as Gai mirrored him. Looking at each other with eyes as cold and sharp as steel the two proceeded to speak.

"Rock." Kakashi murmured, flexing his hand.

"Paper!" Gai yelled, giving thumbs up sign number 421, and then pulled his hands behind his back.

Silence echoed in the hall. It seemed like an hour before the two yelled out together.

"SCISSORS!"

Kakashi thrust his hand out just as Gai thrust his left hand.

Gai's hand was shaking.

Scissors.

Kakashi's hand was closed in a fist.

Rock.

Gai lost…again. Poor sod.