"MUM!" Andromeda bellowed at the top of her lungs. "MUM! UNCLE! AUNTIE!"

Just when she thought he was a goner for sure, it was then that the most astounding thing happened. There was a flash of blinding blue light and the next thing Andromeda knew, Sirius was still falling, but was suddenly attired head to toe in fitted full metal body armor, in a classic medieval knight style.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Lily exclaimed, throwing out a hand. "You magicked yourself armor?"

"Yes." Sirius responded simply. "Can I finish now?"

"No, not yet! I just don't understand why, of all things, when you are falling, about to break your neck, you would conjure a suit of armor! Why not a parachute?"

"A para-what?"

"It's a muggle construction." Remus explained. "It's strapped onto your back in a heavy pack-formation, and when special straps are pulled upon it arrests your descent."

"Oh! In a pack like a flamethrower?"

Remus shook his head. "You would understand that invention."

"It is just—ridiculous, is all!" Lily burst out. "I mean, who does that?"

"I do!" Sirius retorted. "And you are ruining my story!"

"I just—it's lunacy, quite frankly."

Sirius glared at her. "Are you done yet? Your questions will be answered as we proceed. Good things come to those who don't pester me—I'm sure the saying goes something like that."

Lily raised an eyebrow but gestured for him to continue.

"Now where were we? Oh, yes, your gray-eyed hero was falling to his certain impending death until he instinctually conjured up a suit of armor to protect him—"

The armor was surprisingly heavy, and actually expedited Sirius' descent. He smashed through the rest of the branches, and just when he seemed about to hit the ground…he bounced! He bounced up again and a little ways down the yard, just as the family came spilling out of the house, prompted by Andromeda's screams.

"What was that awful racket?" Walburga, the Black matriarch, demanded, storming out of the house. "Nothing could possibly warrant such—such caterwauling! What will the neighbors think?"

"Sirius!" Alphard exclaimed, rushing over to Sirius who was lying on the ground, unmoving. He was the only adult to actually come right over to Sirius.

"Don't coddle him, Alphard! He's probably faking." Orion called out. "It wouldn't be the first time."

"Look!" Regulus shrieked, eyes wide with excitement. "Look!" He raced over to his brother and laughed, clapping his hands excitedly and practically dancing around Sirius' prone form. "You fall funny!"

"Shut up!" Sirius grumbled, managing to swat at him with his good hand. Regulus yelped and darted back behind his mother.

"How are you doing, Sirius?" Alphard asked, kneeling down next to him, offering aid. He gently removed Sirius' helmet, gazing at it with a mixture of mystification and amusement. "That was quite a fall." Alphard took out his wand and vanished the armor so that Sirius was no longer weighed down.

Sirius sat up slowly, gingerly, beaming through the blood gushing down his face. "That was…fantastic! I felt like the air was all rushing by me and I could see a blur of images and—"

"Metal body armor?" Andromeda shrieked as she clambered down the tree, practically tumbling to the ground on her hands and knees. "I thought you broke your neck!"

"It always saved the knights." Sirius responded simply. "In books they wore armor for protection."

"In battle! In war, when they are being torn about by swords, not when they are idiotically falling out of a tree! And you are not a knight!"

"We have very different definitions of 'battle' then. And how do you know I'm not a knight?" Sirius told her with a smirk. "And I did not 'idiotically fall out of a tree'. You pushed me!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"No matter if it was a push or clumsiness— and I am inclined to believe the latter—at least it appears you aren't a squib like your Great Uncle Marius." Walburga remarked approvingly, staring down at Sirius with her arms crossed over her chest. "That is quite an improvement."

"Perhaps our son might not turn out to be the disappointment we thought he was." Orion mused, watching detachedly while his brother, Alphard helped Sirius up. "Alphard, let him lie. He can get up himself, he's just being lazy. Come, be a man, Sirius."

Alphard ignored his brother-in-law and proceeded to help his nephew get unsteadily to his feet. He was used to his family's relative callousness towards children, and especially towards Sirius for some reason. Personally, he had always cared for the lad. The boy had spirit. "Are you sure you're alright, Sirius?"

Sirius nodded, sending flecks of blood flying. "Yeah,er, I guess. Do you think I'll get a scar? Because that would be brilliant!"

Alphard laughed heartily. "We'll see. We should probably focus on getting your arm set and getting you all cleaned up first, before considering the merits of battle scars."

Bellatrix came close enough to survey Sirius. The gangling 14-year-old sniffed, casting him a look of utter disdain. "I hope that hurt."

"Bella!" Alphard exclaimed, aghast.

Sirius glared back at her. "I'm sure you do."

"Your arm appears broken. I've heard that is quite an excruciating pain."

"I can withstand pain." Sirius retorted, through gritted teeth.

"I would hope so, were I you."

"That's about enough of that." Alphard snapped, silencing both of them with the patented Black Glare, much stronger than either Sirius or Bellatrix could muster, perfected over many more years of life. "Bella, why don't you go and take Regulus inside—this sort of bone mending can be gruesome to witness by a child of his age."

"Fine, Uncle. It's not like I want to spend my entire day fawning over Ickle Sirius for his incredible acts of stupidity."

"Not acts! It was only one act of stupidity! And it wasn't my fault! It wasn't my stupidity!"

"Same difference." Bellatrix responded, rolling her eyes. "Come, you." She growled to Regulus, seizing his hand and practically dragging him back into the house. "You'll get to see Sirius in pain on many other occasions, I'm sure."

"Bella, why don't you fix Regulus up a little snack, to distract him from all of this?" Druella called out idly as Bellatrix stormed past.

"Yes, mum, that's what I intended." Bellatrix flashed her a charming smile, which faded into a scowl the instant she passed by the adults.

"Such a wonderful, charming girl." Walburga remarked, turning up the edges of her lips in her version of a smile. "You and Cyngus are lucky to have her. I always wanted a daughter…and yet, I received Sirius." Her tone turned slightly sour at Sirius' name. "And, Regulus, who fares slightly better in my estimation."

Sirius, nearby enough to hear every word, frowned and slumped noticeably, prompting Alphard to inquire if he had any more hidden injuries.

Druella leaned back against the doorframe, surveying the group clustered around Sirius with dismay. "I suppose…children do bore me so…. I am always grateful when you and Orion or your dear brother Alphard offer to take them off of my hands."

"I never mind the children of others, it is only my own which are troublesome."

Druella smiled. "Isn't that always how it is? It will be so—refreshing when the other two are in Hogwarts—if only I can wait that long!"

Both women laughed outright.

"And as for Bella—she tries, she's a fighter, that can be said—though she will never be so pretty as Narcissa, nor will she ever possibly be as quick as Andromeda, who is just so naturally talented. Bella's disposition often leaves much to be desired. It is a shame really, to have a firstborn so easily outstripped by her siblings. Myself, I see Andromeda has the most potential, she is virtually agreeable in all situations and shall ultimately have the most advantageous marriage—if she can only grow out of her awful habit of trying to follow along with boys."

"Bella does has many strengths that the rest of us can see. She is a true Black."

"Oh, assuredly. However, she is somewhat of a disappointment when compared to her sisters. Especially beauty-wise. She has unfortunately inherited much of her father's features, and that, combined with her temperament—" Druella sighed. "I did always wish for boys."

"You can have Sirius, if you wish." Walburga remarked with a frown. "So disagreeable a boy you will be hard pressed to find."

Druella laughed, and was about to respond in kind when she was rudely interrupted. "Mum!" Narcissa cried out. "Mu-um! I'm hot out here!" Narcissa whined to Druella, pulling on the sleeves of her mother's robes.

"Don't muss the fabric!" Druella curtly pulled the girl's hands from her robes. "Not now, Cissy—"

"But Mu-um! I'm so bored!"

"Adults are talking now, Cissy—"

"Mu-um! It's so boring out here! Can't we all just go back inside?

"Cissy, please! Just—just go play. Or something. Go—go talk to Sirius."

"But I don't want to!" Narcissa glared at Sirius. "No! It's not fair that I have to stand out here while everyone makes a fuss over him because it's Sirius' own stupid fault that he fell! Mu-um!"

"Cissy! Your mother is busy!"

"It was not!" Sirius snarled. "It was your stupid sister's stupid fault!"

"I'm not afraid to hit a smart mouth with a broken arm, you know!" Andromeda threatened, balling her hand into a fist. "I'll do it no matter how crippled you are, Sirius!"

"Don't blame my sister because you're stupid! Who falls out of trees anyway?" Narcissa laughed derisively, lips curling upwards in disdain. "You're stupider than a squirrel! Squirrels don't even fall out of trees and they climb them all the time!"

"Hey, that's right! You do have even less sense than a squirrel!"

"I do not! And you pushed me, Andromeda, and any smart person could tell that!"

"Girls!" Alphard shouted, putting a hand to his now aching temples. "In the house, both of you! For shame, treating your cousin so horridly after he had such an ordeal!"

"You're the one who's stupid." Andromeda threw back over her shoulder. "And it was your fault that you fell!"

"Andromeda—"

Andromeda rolled her eyes. "I'm going, OK?" She rolled her eyes. "Come on Cissy, let's leave the baby there to get cared for."

The girls' scornful laughed rang in Sirius' ears.

"And their cold, unforgiving, mean-spirited laughter was like a slow-acting poison to the hero's poor, abused soul." Sirius concluded, dolefully. "And that is the story of how yours truly—"

"What is this?" Andromeda demanded, storming into the compartment, beautiful face twisted with rage. "I come seek you out to make peace and what is this nonsense that I am hearing? Are you attempting to tarnish my good name?"

Sirius snorted. "Your 'good name'. Now, that's funny. As I recall, your name was never all that good as of four—"

"Shut up! You know nothing about that instance! You weren't even at Hogwarts then! You were probably at home playing with dolls and drooling onto your picture books."

"OK, a) I never played with dolls, they were Set F of the Commemorative Famous Wizards Action Figures series, and b) I never drool—"

"Oh, is that so?" Andromeda challenged, smiling cruelly. "Care to bet on that? I have plenty of stories about you, Cousin, remember that!"

"You wouldn't!"

"I'm a Black, Sirius, of course I would. Although it seems you're rattling your gums about family business enough for the both of us."

Sirius turned back to his friends and waved his hands in a wide, elaborate gesture. "Hey, who wants to hear about the time Bellatrix's fiancée saw up oh-so-pristine Andromeda's—"

"Low blow, even for you, Sirius! I was eight, Rodolphus was ten, and it was a windy day for climbing—"

"Are they always like this?" Remus remarked, watching the exchange with mingled surprise and amusement.

"From what I can tell." James responded, looking at Andromeda a bit warily.

"It would explain rather a lot."

"I am widely regaled an excellent role model, smart, reliable, one who can always be counted on me for stability—"

Sirius jumped out of his chair. "Unless you're pushing someone out of a tree."

"Not fair! You were six and I was bored and it's not like you died."

"Ah-hah!" Sirius cried out, jumping up excitedly. "So you admit that you pushed me?"

"Fine! Yes, I did push you! Happy? In fact, if I hadn't pushed you, we would never have found out you actually weren't a squib. So really, I did you a favor."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the comic styling of my brethren, Cousin Andromeda!"

"I am profoundly glad that I am an only child." Remus remarked.

"I second that." James agreed.

Lily sighed, slumping in her seat. "Were I to be that lucky!"

Remus entertained the bickering for several more minutes before he felt he had to intervene, if just to give his tired mind a break from the seemingly endless assault. "Er, as much as I really hate to break up what seems likely to become a new Wizarding War, spanning the ages and defining a generation, maybe it would be best to focus on Sirius' original, if misguided idea. An attempt at storytelling as a form of distraction from the long ride, is actually quite an interesting idea, surprisingly sound coming from him."

Sirius and Andromeda ceased fighting mid-sentence, embarrassed to have conducted themselves so in a very public manner. Remus thought for a second that Andromeda was about to punch him—the flush in her face and anger flashing in her eyes made that outcome seem inevitable—though he was pleasantly surprised and very relieved to see her suddenly smile and sit down instead.

"Actually, that is a good idea, and while I am personally shocked that my little cousin could come up with it, I suppose I could put aside my astonishment and our little squabble for a bit—"

"No, I know what this is about." Sirius smirked. "You're just trying to find a place to hide out from Lucius for awhile."

"Well he is just so infuriating! He does not comprehend the meaning of 'go away now, you idiot'."

"Ha! I knew it."

"Oh don't be so smug. It's not an admirable quality in one so young."

Sirius jaw clenched but he gestured to Remus. "Since you broke up the fight, why don't you tell the next story? Tell us about how you found out you were a wizard!"

"Me?" Remus responded, instantly alarmed. "Oh, no, I couldn't! No, someone else can go—"

"I'll go." James offered. "This story begins quite a deal earlier than the now infamous incident of our gray-eyed comrade. Actually, I don't even really remember all of it, as I was so young at the time, but I will do my best to reconstruct it in vivid detail from the many retellings of the instance by my parents. Brace yourselves accordingly."

A/N: Next up: James' story! I hope you liked this chapter! I tried to look at some of the reasons why Sirius, Andromeda, Bellatrix, and Narcissa are they way they have ultimately turned out. Also, with the publication of The Black Family Tree up at the Lexicon, I will be altering the names of Sirius' family (such as his mother) accordingly in older chapters.