FYI, this fanfic will mostly be how I think Danmachi characters would react if they watched the anime. Therefore, it's made purely for amusement. I repeat, it's made for FUN ONLY. That means that characters might be slightly Out of Character (OOC), such as Bell swearing, and Riveria making jokes.
Note: The Fates are the Moirai, in case you did not know. Thus, they may be used interchangeably.
Enjoy! Cue the disclaimer.
(Disclaimer: I do not own Dungeon ni Deai o Motomeru no wa Machigatte Iru Darou ka)
Watching Danmachi
Episode 1
"I saw it!"
"I, Hermes, bore witness!"
"Things are about to change! And I shall see it with my own eyes!"
"The historic events that will happen here, in Orario!"
"The fates of the heroes!"
A Few Minutes Later
"HAHAHhahaa! This is perfect!"
"…You know what, Hermes? Sometimes I really wish you couldn't talk."
"…Why, dear Asfi?"
"Is that an actual question, or do you want me to sock you in the face?"
"…"
"It's because whenever you speak, something happens. Something like this happens!" She yells at him. "You go around shouting on how change is coming, and now are you happy that it's here?!"
"…Ye-" her glare stops him dead in his tracks, "nonononononoNoNoNoNONONON Asffiiiiiii pleaseeeee don't kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Aggghhhhhh! OwOwowoaghhhhowowow! That hurrrts Asfiii! Owwww-"
"…"
"Alright, he'll be out for the next hour or so," Asfi states, dusting her hands off. "You may continue."
"I had already finished talking…"
"…" (Awkward silence)
"Well, as I've said, the Moirai sent me here to monitor all of you. Especially Freya, since I'm quite sure she's shameless enough to masturbate in public as long as she's watching Bell fight…"
The whole room turns to face said woman, who is nonchalantly being given a back massage by Allen.
"Hm?"
'She wasn't even listening!' Is the one thought shared by all of those in the room — except Freya Familia, because they're all virgins who're trying to have their first time be with their goddess (and most likely, that wish will never come true).
"…" He sighs. "Forget it."
"Tsk. I wouldn't even be here if the Fates didn't say that they'd give me another two hundred thousand years of life," he mutters.
"Umm… Mister…" Bell Cranel pauses, not knowing the man's name.
"Theodore. But you may call me Theo."
"So, umm, Theo, you said that we'll be watching… 'anime'?"
"Yes. I don't wanna take the time to explain, so just keep staring at that wall. Episode 1 will start soon…"
The wall brightens up, showing an angel's halo floating above a golden eye. Then, a woman started speaking.
"A long, long time ago, we gods came down to this world —"
"Hey, that sounds like me!" Hestia shouts.
"What language is that?" Tiona asks.
"It's Japanese! For real, how do you not know Japanese! You're speaking it!"
"What the hell is Japanese?!" Bete slights him
Theo sighs for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "Just read the subtitles if you don't know Japanese."
"…"
"Umm…" Bell pauses, unsure of whether to continue.
"Oh, for god's sake! Don't tell me you don't know English either?"
"Ehhh… no. I just wanted to tell you that the subtitles are off."
"Oh. Sorry about that."
"The world of you, our children — seeking excitement. And we decided that we would live here with you forever in the lower world. We decided to seal away our divine power, and enjoy life with all the hardships and inconvenience that it entails."
Hestia scoffs at her past self's ignorance. When she notices that Bell was looking at her, she decides to earn a point in the race for Bell Cranel's heart (though she still hasn't noticed that Aiz Wallenstein already has as many points as the amount of Valis Hestia owes to Hephaistos). "I can take on all the inconveniences in the world to stay with you, Bell-kun!" She exclaims. Though, in reality her mind is elsewhere… 'And now I'm 200M Valis in debt. How am I supposed to enjoy anything now? I don't even get to spend time with my Bell-kun because I'm working all the time. Ughhhh! So annoying!'
"We can only offer you one thing: the power to fight monsters, that we call our blessing. The children given this power become our servants, our Familia."
"S-Servant? Kami-sama, is that what you think of me as?!" Bell has an utterly devastated look on his face as soon as the Hestia on-screen said the word "servants".
"Eh! Nonono! Not at all, Bell-kun! I was young when I said all of those, I don't believe any of that anymore!"
Hestia keeps on trying to come up with excuses, while everyone else in the room is thinking something along the lines of 'Young? You're millions of years old!'
The next several words shatter all hope of Hestia to recover from her on-screen blunder.
"In other words," the screen changes to show Bell running, "you're my servant."
"This…"
"Hestia-samaaaa! Uwaaa!"
While Bell is crying from the betrayal he faced, Lili takes advantage of the situation, hugging Bell close since Hestia cannot stop her from doing so. Thankfully, she doesn't notice the death glares sent her way by Allen and the Gulliver Brothers.
A minotaur chases Bell into a corner, and at the moment when Bell faces death, the minotaur is sliced through, its blood spattering all over the young boy.
"Pffttttt! AHAHAHAHaa!" The moment they see Bell with minotaur blood all over him, half the room starts laughing, with a specific werewolf and a cat person laughing the hardest out of them, all while a sword maiden was pouting.
"I-ahahhaha! I told you all that-hahaha! That he looked like a-hahahah! Like a friggin tomato! Hahaha!"
"Hahahah! This is probably the first-pffttthahaha! And last time-ahahhaaa! That we'll ever agree-PFTTTTHAHAHAHAHAA! Vanargand!" Allen yelled out his agreement.
"Hey…" Bell's savior says, with the camera giving the viewer a nice shot of her back.
'Damn, that's a nice ass…' is what all the men in the room think, while many of the women become jealous of the Sword Princess' curvaceous features.
"Are you alright?"
The scene whites out, showing the title of the anime: "Is it Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon? Familia Myth."
"What kind of a title is that?" Tione asks, while Bell, clearly in a distressed state, tucks his head in between his legs, hoping that no one can see him if he couldn't see them.
Bell runs towards the Guild, and Eina steps outside just as he arrives. "Miss Eina!"
"Bell!" After looking up, Eina throws up all the files in her hands from shock.
"Oh, Bell," Theo calls out.
"Yes?" Bell finally peeks his head out from in between his knees, looking to Theo.
"I'm going to create an indestructible and invisible box around you now since I'm quite sure many people will try to kill you after this next scene."
This makes all heads turn towards Bell, who is recalling what happened at the time. Remembering the conversation, he gives a hard nod of acknowledgement.
"So about that information on Miss Aiz…"
"What?" Eina then gives him a teasing look, "Don't tell me you've fallen in love with the Miss Wallenstein, the girl who saved you…"
"Well, um…"
"You have, haven't you?"
"Yeah!"
"…" A moment of silence passes until absolute chaos ensues.
*Crack!*
Loki snaps off her armrest and starts screaming. "Let me at him, Finn! I'm gonna kill him! No one can have Aizu except for me-OW! Riveria, what was that for?!"
"One: You heard Theodore; unless you want to test his patience, I suggest you sit down."
"What's two?" Tione questions.
"That was a nice 'meow', you would do good as a cat person impersonator," Riveria stated.
"Hahahaha!" All of Loki Familia and those not focused on trying to kill Bell laughs at that.
"Tsk!" Loki turns to Bell, who was so so soooo very glad that he has an indestructible wall between himself and everyone else in the room. "I'll get you next time, rabbit!"
'Whew… crisis averted… for now, at least… Well, she is a goddess... so, I'm absolutely fucked if I go to heaven…' Bell thinks.
While all of this happens, the girl in question has a slight red tint on her cheeks.
"I meant more like… what does she like to do? What's her favorite food?"
"Stalker Alert!" Welf yells out, chuckling at his little brother's circumstances, which embarrasses Bell even further.
"And, um…"
"Whether she has a special someone? Is that it?"
"E-Exactly!"
While everyone is still focused on the screen, Eina regrets the words she had spoken at the time. 'I probably shouldn't have said that… though there's no way I could've known that everyone would hear me have this conversation with him…' She internally sighs, 'I'm sorry, Bell.'
"Bell. Listen, girls like guys who are strong, and can protect them. So if you keep working hard and get stronger, she just might like you back."
"Pftttt! In your dreams, rabbit! There's no way my Aizu would ever like you!" Loki screams at him through the wall. "Right, Aiz?"
"…" When she receives no answer, all the heads in the room turn towards her — even Freya's.
"Right, Aiz?" The goddess of mischief repeats with raised eyebrows, only now noticing the blush on her child's face slowly becoming redder by the second. Bell who also notices the commotion turns towards her as well, waiting for her answer with pleading eyes.
"…" Aiz, who knows she must give an answer one way or another, decides to give an indirect answer. "I would choose him over Bete any day."
"…"
"HAHHAhahaah! Did you hear that Vanargand! Even the damn tomato kid's better than you! AHaahaahah!" Allen yells at Bete, who is now in full tsundere wolf mode, acting like he doesn't care.
Bell, who clearly hears Aiz' statement, becomes ecstatic, but can't do anything because he'll definitely die if he were to step out of the box.
During all the chaos, not one, not two, but three goddesses have the desire to kill. Loki wants to kill Bell; Hestia wants to kill Miss Wallenwhatsit; and Freya wants to kill the Sword Princess.
"Thank you, Miss Eina! I love you!" Bell shouts, running away, all while Eina is stunned at his farewell.
"…"
"Wow. I knew he was good, but he's a real player. Even I'm not that good at being a womanizer," Hermes states.
"How are you already conscious?" Asfi asks in shock.
"Well, you do beat me a lot, so I may have gotten resistant by now," he responds, which makes everyone sweat drop at the indifference in his tone.
"Well, I clearly don't beat you enough if you can still talk," Afi responds, making everyone sweat drop even more.
Bell runs through the streets of Orario, a male voice in the background starts speaking. "Bell, an adventurer needs to pick up his girls in a dungeon."
"ZEUS!?" Shout all those who have heard his voice before, turning to the boy with questioning looks.
"Zeus? That's my grandpa."
"You save a weak female adventurer from a hideous monster, she's grateful, and the two of you get to know each other. That's the best part of being an adventurer."
'It was just like my late grandfather said!'
"See, I told you that it was grandpa!" This further confuses everyone until Theo decides to clear their confusion.
"He is indeed Zeus… and he is also Bell Cranel's late grandfather — adoptive."
"…Grandpa adopted me?"
"Yes… though the reason is a story for later, let's just keep watching for now."
"Hey hey hey wait hold up now! What kind of things did that pervert teach you, Bell!" Hestia screams at him through the wall.
"Eh? Umm… Hestia-sama, I don't think it's appropriate to explain it to you in public like this…"
"Explain. Now. Here." Hestia says to him with a stern look on her face, which earns her a sigh from the boy.
"Step 1: Go to Orario. Step 2: Find a beautiful goddess. Step 3: Save girls in the dungeon… and get a harem. Step 4: Become a hero. That's what the handbook said to do."
'Well, except that it was the other way around.'
Bell chuckles at the coincidence. "Yeah… so that's his main teachings… though he also taught me how to peep on girls and blame it on others…" Only now noticing the glares given his way by some of the girls in the pond several days ago, he continues." I shouldn't have mentioned that one… Hermeeeesss-samaaa saaaavee meeeeeee!"
"Sorry, Bell, but I already got beat up enough because you already put the blame on me for taking you to peep just a couple days ago. Also, you have a wall around you."
"That… right."
"It's okay, goddess. I'm the only member of Hestia Familia, I wouldn't leave you alone and helpless in the world."
"Hahaha! Lol! Hear that, Hestia? The rabbit knows just where to strike!" Loki sneers at the words "alone and helpless".
"I'm not letting you get any sleep tonight!"
"Wow, Hestia. You're hopelessly in love, aren't you," Hephaistos teases her friend, who is now blushing madly.
"Y-You don't have any evidence!" Hestia yells at her.
"I wouldn't mind it being just the two of us for a little longer," Hestia mutters with a small blush on her cheeks.
"There's your evidence," Hephaistos says.
"Th-Tha-Th-That! That's not evidence!" Hestia shouts aloud, which earns her the attention of some nearby adventurers, who write her off as crazy and turn back to watch the anime.
Hestia updates Bell's status, giving everyone a full view of Bell's status.
"Hestia, what's that skill?" Hephaistos questions.
"…"
"Goddess?"
"Liaris Freese," Theo speaks up, "Fast growth as long as feelings last. The strength of the effects correspond with the level of the user's feelings. As a side effect it makes the user immune to charms."
"Huh?" Bell wears a confused expression on his face.
"She hid it from you so other Familias wouldn't steal you away from her; she's even more possessive then Freya is even though Hestia herself doesn't admit it and never will," Theo continues, "It's the main reason your stats do not have a limit, as well as how Freya can't charm you. Neither can Ishtar or anyone else, for that matter. It's also partially the reason you grow so fast, though with how you almost die every time you enter the dungeon, you would probably still have broken Aiz Wallenstein's record even without the skill."
'Is it a good thing I nearly die every time I enter the dungeon?' Bell wonders.
"You've already met a wonderful girl who'll love you and hold you gently! I'm sure of it!"
"Have I really?"
While everyone thinks about how dense Bell is, Freya's mind is elsewhere. 'Looks, check. Denseness, check. Heroism, check. Talent, check. Ara ara, he sure has the qualifications to be a harem king.'
Once Bell leaves the room, Hestia gives the cutest pout anyone (except Aiz) could manage.
"CUTEEEE!" Loki shouts, gaining looks from her Familia, until she remembers who it was that she called cute. "This… what're you all looking at! I was just talking about my Aizu!"
'You expect us to actually believe that?' Loki Familia muses.
Bell wakes up with Hestia all over him.
"HAHAHAHAHAH!" The scene gains the laughs of most in the room. Of course, there are exceptions such as Freya and her Familia, Lili, Aiz, and Ryu (because she just wears a stoic expression 24/7).
The screen blacks out only for a second, with a pair of violet eyes flashing for a second, then Bell Cranel reappears, who, noticing the gaze upon him, instantly turns around. 'What was that?'
Freya smirks at how special the boy is to have noticed her gaze through the Divine Mirror, while everyone else is left to wonder.
"Um… you dropped this."
"I thought I traded them all in yesterday…"
"Where is Syr-nya, nya-way?"
"She's right there," Theo says, pointing at Freya.
"?" They tilt their heads in confusion, except for Freya who scowls in response — but a scowl on the goddess of beauty's face most likely appears as a smile to any onlookers.
"Long story short, Freya is Syr. Think of it like transformation magic. That's why she always disappears when something important happens."
"…Eh?" They all say at the same time.
He sighs. "I said that Freya is Syr."
"…"
"Theo~ you didn't~ have to~ say~ that~" Freya says, sounding almost like she is singing.
"I did."
"…"
"Lady Freya, would you like me to kill him?" Ottar asks nonchalantly.
"…No need, dear Ottar. I guess it doesn't hurt since they'll probably learn everything soon~"
"Indeed. They will learn everything. That also includes a certain rabbit who will learn one of the reasons why his life is so fucked up," Theo responds. Freya considers for a second, then shrugs it off.
After Bell fights in the dungeon, he returns home near the evening.
"My ability scores went up over a total of 160 points?"
*Puuufffttt!*
Bete spits out his mead all over Tiona's face, though the Amazon is too shocked of Bell's stat increase to even react to it.
"What kind of cheat skill did he get! He's using hacks! I wouldn't even be surprised if he downloads wallhacks and gains the ability to walk through walls next!" The werewolf screams, and everyone else looks at his ramble about "hacks" and a "cheat skill" and believes that he's finally gone mad.
Hestia runs away from the abandoned church and sits nearby a pond, on the verge of breaking down into tears.
'I can't believe he grew so much because of that skill… Does he really like that Wallenwhatsit girls that much?'
"Yes," Bell responds to the rhetorical question, too focused on the anime to remember that he is in public. Only when he notices the gazes sent his way, does he recall his situation, making him blush madly and hide his head between his knees just like he had done earlier.
"But he's got me already!
"Wow, Hestia, I didn't know you would be so desperate within a day of him falling in love with another girl…" Hephaistos teases, which earns her a light punch on the shoulder from Hestia.
"The Benevolent Mistress…"
"The hell's that stupid name? It's called the Hostess of Fertility, get it right!" Mama Mia shouts from somewhere in the crowd.
"Meh. The anime named it that way, nothing I can do about it," Theo replies, not the slightest bit intimated by Mama Mia's… well… Mama Mianess (Mama Meanness? I don't know what the hell I'm even writing at this point… lol)?
Mama Mia brings plates of food, with Bell jumping out of his seat with clear horror written all over his face at the exorbitant pricing.
"Hey! It's not exorbitant pricing! Who the hell wrote this script goddammit!" Mia yells once again. Theo shrugs, not even bothering to reply this time.
Loki Familia walks in, with Lefiya holding her nose high — which makes her resemble Pinocchio — and then Aiz Wallenstein struts in, shaking that nice ass —*cough cough*excuse me, umm… went off script there for a second — shaking that nice booty, is what I meant.
"Hey! This is borderline abuse! Imma report you for harassment" Loki screams.
This in turn causes everyone in Loki Familia to give her a deadpan expression. 'Did she actually forget what she's been doing to us all these years?'
"Oh, I forgot to mention this earlier, but since so many women are going to crush on Bell Cranel soon, you should probably start picking your favorite ships. Though I'm pretty sure half the room is going to pick yourselves… but anyway, there's really only two ships this anime can end with," Theo claims.
"Huh? What two ships? Am I on one of those ships?" Hestia asks, totally clueless as to what a ship is.
Theo sighs at the goddess' naivety. "A ship is a relationship, you don't get on it… you are either a part of it, or not. And no, there is no fucking way this anime will ever end with a BellxHestia. Go read fanfiction if you want that stuff. And to answer your first question, well, it's of course either BellxAiz or BellxRyuu."
Just when Loki was about to scream in his face, Freya is in Theo's face, enraged at his statement. "What? BellxRyuu!? She doesn't even let men touch her! And what about me? No BellxFreya ship?!"
"…Again, no. Though I can show you some fanfiction if you get bored later, there's quite a lot of material for that'll satisfy your needs. And yes, out of all the women who fall for him, Ryuu probably crushes on him the hardest. Though you probably won't get to see all that yet since that only happens in the Light Novels…"
"Theo, I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here…" Bell warns, while thinking of what would happen if every man who now hates him spat at him — they would probably drown him in spit.
"Oh, yeah, sorry… Well, just giving a heads-up so you all don't cry later because he didn't end up with Lefiya, Riveria, Tiona, Lili, Eina, Freya, Artemis, Hestia, Aisha, or Haruhime… should I go on?"
"NO!" All the men in the room except Ottar shouts, with Allen and Bete being the loudest. The women in question (leaving aside Aisha, who's just smirking at her luck) blush — yes, even Aiz.
"Wait, Artemis? She falls in love? That's absurd, even if the one she falls for is Bell!" Hestia screams out, while Hermes, once again conscious, smirks wondering how good of a chick-magnet the rabbit truly is.
"Yeah, well he's not just Bell. To Freya, he is her Odr; to Artemis, he is her Orion; to Aiz, Ryuu, and Haruhime, he is their hero; to Lefiya, he is her rival; to-"
"WE GET IT!"
"…Just because his title changes doesn't change who they all fell in love with," Theo replies calmly, not noticing the tense expression on Bell's face, who now thoroughly hopes that acting dead might be his best bet at survival from today on. "Hmm… looks like we did get a tad bit off topic, we even missed Bete telling the 'tomato brat' story…"
"I don't think we need to hear that part!" Bell interrupts.
"Well, I'll just summarize what happened at the end of episode 1: Bell ran away to the dungeon, he fought monsters on Floor 6 the whole night, determined to get stronger, then in the morning he walked back to the abandoned church, and the worried Hestia hugged him and smiled at him. Okay, now on to the next episode!"
"Eh?"
"What, you thought that was it? I already explained that we'll be here for quite a while. We have 36 more episodes to watch!"
"EHHHH?!"
"Huh? That many people want to die? The hell happened up there?" The god of the underworld questioned.
"Well… Lord Hades, they're watching this anime…"
"Oh… yeah… I understand… anyone who watches this and isn't the MC would most likely become a lifetime NEET, especially if they live in the same world… Oh, well, just let them enjoy the show for now."
Whew! That took some effort. I had lots of tests at school this week, so I had to let off some steam. I'll continue this story if you guys found it funny, but I'll definitely focus on my two other stories more.
By the way, that last past was just made to explain the men's feelings knowing that they are being forced to watch a rabbit take away all the pretty women in Orario for himself.
Welp, just tell me if you think it was a good start or not, as well as any comments you might have. I definitely won't be going over every conversation and scene, since the anime will rarely be paused. Thus, when they are talking, the episode is continuing on.
One last thing, if you didn't figure it out already, they were all brought to the room at the end of Season 1 when Hermes was screaming out about the lives and deaths of heroes. Farewell!
–OmniscientReader