Author Note: If there is one person who doesn't understand how my own mind works, it's probably me, so I won't bother trying to figure out where this idea came from. Probably just my recent obsession with Fire Emblem, the fact that I feel really attached to Path of Radiance's characters after spending 30-40 hours with them. Also, I've always wanted to do something making fun of bad fanfiction that distort characters horribly for romances that would never actually happen, so I threw that in.

Now, on a serious note, if you're easily offended by sexual joke or references, they're all there mostly for the sake of making fun of the aforementioned Out of Character-ness, but you may want to shy away from this. Much as I hate to turn away anyone who'd actually read my work, I don't want people getting mad or disgusted with me, either. I'm also not entirely sure that this is rated properly... It doesn't really SEEM like it should be considered mature, especially since I'm deliberately avoiding going into detail. I suppose if I'm wrong it'll just be changed or whatever else they do to a fanfiction not rated properly. Otherwise… read away. Oh, but if things seem a little… weird… they'll all make sense in time. Actually, I take that back. If things seem INCREDIBLY bizarre or random, they MIGHT make sense in time, but weirdness is unlikely to be explained, sorry.

Oh, and for those of you not as fond of the sexual humor, it's unlikely that it will appear in later chapters to such an extent, though I probably won't be able to resist doing something like that now and again. Also, reviews are welcome, be they praise or critique, as long as they're not "You suck!" or "AWESOME!" or anything like that. At least one or two sentences, please, or I'm not going to get much, if anything, out of it… Makes me wonder why doesn't have a 20-character limit, since there are rules against spamming…

Fire Emblem: The Sacred Path that leads to the Blade of Phosphorescence that was Sealed by a Stone

When we last left our heroes, they were preparing to make the world a better place. Since that could describe any point in nearly any game, I'll be more specific now. Having vanquished Ass- I mean, Ashnard, the wicked and terrible king of Daein, somehow everything was fixed… including all the people who were like "OMG LAGUZ HATEZZ!" Their excuse was something like 'after living under oppression and seeing that the Laguz helped to liberate them, the Crimeans began to accept their Laguz brethren." The real reason is that the sequel in which this plot hole was dealt with, "Grand Theft Equine: Crimea's Capital," was turned down by the producers. Something about no one wanting to watch the Greil Mercenaries run around town bitchslapping everyone who was prejudiced… that or something about the message that sends our youth. They sorta decided to shove that one in the back closet… and lock the door… and throw in a pair of wolves for good measure.

Anyway, Crimea's princess was restored, and evil was defeated, and like any good adventure story, all the supposed friends that built close ties during their mission were all like "Okay, see ya!" and went home, promptly became alcoholics, and never wrote back to each other's emails. Oh, wait… that's what it says DIDN'T happen… right…Okay, so they were all like "We'll see each other again, promise!" and many slumber parties were held, with gender no longer considered a border by people who had grown so close, or perhaps with people who were so much the subject of random fan pairings…Despite his efforts, Sain was denied access to all of these because quote: "You weren't even in this game anyway."

We join Princess Crimea and her trusted general/noble/hired mercenary/potential romance interest Ike as Castle Crimea prepares to host the first annual reunion of everyone who 'temped' as a Greil Mercenary during the war. But unbeknownst to them, trouble lurks on the horizon…. trouble the likes of which they've only seen once before, which isn't surprising since this is like a year later and they were almost all teenagers in that game anyway…

Chapter 1: Another quest, another $50…

"Iiiiiiiike! Iiiiiiike!" called a feminine voice in a most un-Princess of Crimea-like manner. Castle Crimea, always a marvel of artistry and a wonder to behold, even when the evil dudes took it over and it all supposedly went to hell only it didn't really because the artists didn't want to draw it AGAIN, was even nicer looking in preparation of the coming event. Nude statues of the mercenaries had been erected (cue groaning) by petition coming from far-off land called "Internet," and were now clothed in great finery, which really offset the marble faces and hands and such, and besides which was sorta a waste of clothes, but the people of Internet had threatened Crimea with war if their demands were not met, so they humored them.

"What is it now, Princess?" asked the blue-haired mercenary, once more garbed in the outfit he wore back in the beginning of the game because the animators were too lazy to draw in his new outfit. Rumor has it he even sacrificed his extra 20 levels of experience because he didn't like the title 'Lord' but those were false allegations put out by his opponent John Ke… Aaaaand that's the wrong script again…

"I need emotional support, so rather than seek it from all my dearest childhood friends, I'm gonna come to you, who I've known for like, two years, okay?" asked Elincia.

Unsure how exactly to respond, Ike's years of listening to Soren talk kicked in automatically, the answer "Yes, that's fine."

Elincia instantly replied "Oh, thank you my lord Ike. You see, I just can't decide whether or not this dress makes me look fat…" She gestured to the yellow and white dress she wore that clashed horribly with her green hair.

Ike was somewhat baffled by this, so he turned to his many conversations with Soren for guidance once again, and replied "No, I think it looks fine." He couldn't quite recall when that had come up in conversation with Soren, only that it had at some point.

"Fine? That'll never do, I should try to look my best for our friends, especially since some of the lords that we conveniently befriended may be coming." Biting back a 'But looking fine IS you looking you best' comment that emerged from a bubble of out of character-ness buried deep within his brain, Ike merely nodded. "Well, what do you think of this one?" Elincia asked, holding up another dress, this one a shade of green that was so close to her hair color they would blend together and give the impression that her hair was several times its length and wrapped around her whole body.

Ike, as always oblivious to fashion (I mean, the guy went BACK to his old outfit…), and still a bit disoriented by the situation, not the princess turning him to support, but rather that it was concerning clothes instead of her natural shyness, was slow to respond. "I-it seems fine but I guess I'd have to see you in it. Are you sure that you don't want to call in Lucia or Mist to help you with this? They know a lot more about this sort of thing."

Elincia apparently didn't hear him, or pretended not to, as her response was to pull the entire dress up over her head (a feet of impressive flexibility, it should be noted) and toss it aside, pulling the other one on with considerably more care, and with a seemingly deliberate slowness.

Ike, rather slow to pick up on several things because of the sheer shock he experienced, completely forgot to turn around and cover his eyes until AFTER the princess had already redressed herself, by which point the act was somewhat superfluous, yet he did so anyway. He also completely forgot to blush, mostly because he had apparently never done so before in his life… or at least, in two years.

Elincia turned back around, her dress swishing as she did so, and her hair matching it so well that it was truly a sight to behold, only as more of a bizarre thing than as a good thing. She studied herself in the mirror for a minute, and Ike took this opportunity to run for his life in case whatever was affecting her turned on him as well. Running through the carpeted hallways, he spotted Soren sitting in a dark corner. Actually, the lamp hanging just overhead was working perfectly well, Soren just had a weird thing that any area he occupied for more than five minutes instantly became dusty, dimly lit, and study-like.

"Soren! Soren!" cried Ike. Soren glanced up from the musty tome that he apparently could make appear and disappear at will with an expression of mild concern on his face.

"What is it, Ike? I'm in the middle of reading one of my random obscure books that, for all anyone knows, could be ancient copies of Playboy." Soren asked in a dry tone, as if he was prepared for a completely false alarm. This was probably related to how Ike once told Soren that they were under attack as a joke only to have Soren run outside in a bath towel with a spellbook to confront the 'attackers.' That was a day no one in the castle would forget, but it led Soren to be a lot more cautious of 'emergencies.'

"El- I mean, Princess Elincia's acting really, really bizarre! She called me in to ask what I thought of her dress, and then she STRIPPED right in front of me and then she asked me about another dress that matched her hair and looked really weird because of it so I ran because I was freaked out and had no idea what to do and I think aliens have taken over Elincia!" Ike cried, somehow managing to do so in one breath using his years of practice bellowing above the usual mercenary banter and drinking, of which the Greil Mercenaries have surprisingly little.

Soren sighed, the book vanishing in a puff of inconsistency as he rose from where he sat, the old leather armchair morphing back into one of those cool-looking royal chairs that all look brand new even though they're antiques. "Ike, I think it's time we had… the talk," he said solemnly.

"Nah, it's cool, I already got that from my dad. And um… frankly… I'm not sure you have a reference point, no offense…" Ike responded.

"What?" asked Soren, "No, not THAT talk you idiot!" Soren sighed again, then continued, "Okay, I guess the best way to explain this is to just start at the beginning. Ike, there comes a time in every adventurer's life when he becomes the victim of what is known as "fanfiction." You see, there are many other worlds out there, and once someone has reached a certain level of fame, like saving the world, for instance, sometimes their name and story can spread to the other worlds. And when that happens, sometimes people, usually crazy little kids with nothing better to do, come up with crazy ideas for what characters should be like that have nothing to do with what they're like in reality. Sorta like the people who commissioned those nude statues of us…"

"Yeah, that was an unpleasant experience…" Ike interjected, shuddering.

"Wait, you actually POSED for yours?" Soren asked, surprised.

"Of course, you mean, you DIDN'T? I thought they wanted to be accurate…" Ike said, seemingly a bit surprised by Soren's response.

Soren mumbled uncertainly for a moment, then spoke up again. "Anyway, unbeknownst to the inhabitants of those worlds, some of these children possess magical powers, Ashera preserve them. So, on rare occasion, you understand, these magical energies, untrained as they are, get released through pure imagination, and find their way back into our world, where they can, sometimes, make things come to pass. It's what's known in wizardry circles as the 'Out of Character Effect.'"

"I see…" replied Ike thoughtfully.

"Right, so you see, there are many other worlds out-" Soren began, before being interrupted once again.

"Um… didn't you just say that?" Ike asked.

"Yes, yes I did. I'm amazed you noticed…" was Soren's response.

"What do you mean?" asked Ike.

"I mean while you've been standing there I've already said that same thing 4 times, which is very nearly a record, only now you've ruined it, so thanks a lot," answered Soren, somewhat annoyed.

"Um… I'm sorry?" Ike said, sounding a bit unsure.

"You should be," came the stern reply from Soren.

"So… you think that Elincia is suffering from Out of Character Syndrome?" asked Ike.

"It's 'the Out of Character Effect,'" corrected Soren. "Though Out of Character Syndrome's not bad… I should submit that to Mages Monthy… Anyway, yes, that is my diagnosis."

"Well, what can I do?" asked Ike, his tone worried.

"Nothing, except be prepared for the worst," answered Soren solemnly. "The stripping bit is just the beginning I'm afraid. She'll get MORE direct, if possible, probably have crazy, nonsensical mood swings, and randomly "fall in love" with everyone in the cast, male or female. Fortunately, you may be just oblivious enough that it doesn't effect you, unless the OOC-effect begins on you too… and then… it will only be a matter of time before all of us become victim to it."

"Even you?" asked Ike, a look of horror on his face.

"Yes… even-" Soren began, cutting himself short as his expression turned to one of offense. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Um… nothing, it's just… you know…" stammered Ike.

"I know… but it's just… sometimes it gets so hard…" Soren began sobbing uncontrollably, then suddenly slapped himself across the face. Looking back up with an expression of horror he cried "Oh gods, now it's started on me!"

"NO! SOREN!" cried Ike, running to his friend's side, a scream tearing from his throat, only to realize he was already right next to him and collapse to the ground in an instant of utter and complete confusion.

"Ike…" Soren said weakly "There's not much time… listen… there's only one potential cure for the OOC effect… it's experimental, but it's the only thing that might be able to save us…"

"What? Just tell me! I'll do anything!" cried Ike, looking deeply into Soren's eyes, which were losing canon-ness as they spoke.

"We have to… go on another quest…" Soren said.

"Another quest? What do you mean?" asked Ike. "How will that help?"

"If we…" here Soren suffered from a brief coughing spasm before he could continue, "if we go to save the world or have another adventure again, those who watch us from other worlds might be entertained by that, and stop making up their own stories… it's the only way…" Soren coughed again, a hacking cough that sent shudders all through his body, which had somewhere along the line fallen to the ground and ended up with Ike leaning over him.

"I'll do it! I'll do anything! I won't let you become OOC, Soren! I'll never let you become OOC!" Ike cried.

"Ike… I have something I need to tell you… before I go…" Soren said, his voice fading, an expression of pain crossing his face as if it was taking everything he had just to speak. "Ike I… I… I'm the one who 'borrowed' your Castle Crimea play set and broke it… I'm sorry…"

"It's… it's okay Soren…" Ike said, not quite sounding convincing. "It's just a material possession after all and…" he started sobbing, when he was suddenly cut short by Soren speaking again, his voice returning more to normal, though it now had a sort of flat, expressionless quality.

"Will you make out with me?" Soren asked as hopefully as he could in such a flat tone of voice.

Ike recoiled like a Pegasus Knight who forgot that the Warrior class can use bows, causing Soren's head, which he had been holding in his hands in the classic "living person talking to dying person" pose, to slam into the ground. "Soren, I'll avenge you!" here he paused in mid-cry to deliver a swift kick to Soren's face as the mage tried to grab his legs. "I swear it!" And with that, he took off down the hallway, leaving Soren to mend his broken nose in solitude.

The carpeted hallways now looked somehow menacing as Ike ran through them, though more likely than not that was the rather well-drawn graffiti of horrid, nameless things that looked like they could reach off the walls and devour a man whole. Combined with the appropriately dim atmospheric lighting, it gave the impression that not even castles were immune from graffiti quite strongly.

Try as he would in later years, Ike was never able to forget the next few moments as he ran past Shinon and Gatrie kissing passionately. He slammed his eyes shut, wishing he could do the same for his ears, as he heard the numerous really bad puns about 'arrows' 'lances' and 'armor.' However, he was too busy using his left hand to prevent his right hand from clawing his own eyes out to cover his ears with them, at about which point he ran headfirst into a pillar, forgetting that he was, in fact, in a CASTLE.

Ike staggered back to his feet, and resumed his mad dash to try and find someone who hadn't been afflicted with OOCness yet, though for all he knew, Gatrie and Shinon were just drunk, which would be perfectly normal for them, but didn't really help his situation any. Ike reached the door that led into the main room where the other Greil Mercenaries were helping to prepare the castle, out of boredom more than anything else, because there were plenty of servants around anyway, in spite of Crimea's whole "freedom and equality" policy. And then all Hell broke loose.

Well, it didn't so much break, as ooze… and it wasn't so much oozing 'loose,' as 'into Ike's brain…'

As Ike threw open the door, he was greeted by the mortifying image of his sister, Mist, twirling her dress above her head, with the only thing saving this fic from becoming M-rated the convenient censors that were likewise conveniently forgotten about with Elincia, (but she was of age, if nothing else) as Rolf looked on eagerly with small amounts of drool dripping from his lips in a most anime-esque fashion. For the reader's sake, I'll not even bring up Titania, Oscar, and Boyd, simply because the sheer number of horrible sexual innuendo puns involved would be a sin in and of itself.

Once he had finished retching and resolved to demonstrate to Rolf just what he could do with those arrows, Ike climbed slowly back to his feet, and calmly closed the door behind him, turned around, and began running like a low-level mage being pursued by a squad of cavalry, complete with the screaming. It also came complete with a blind "getthehellaway, getthehellaway, getthehellaway," mandate that Ike chanted over and over again, his eyes shut as tightly as his mind's eye was forced open by the mental acupuncture pins he was trying to stab the images out with.

However Ike, forgetting once again that he was in a castle, managed to run headfirst, and already screaming to save himself the trouble, through one of the expensive stained-glass windows that no halfway decent castle would be caught conquered by its nation's mortal enemies without. Fortunately for all the Ike fangirls out there, and all the obsessive shippers for Ikexinsert character here regardless of gender or relationship with Ike, it was a first floor 'epensive stained-glass window that no halfway decent castle would be caught conquered by its nation's mortal enemies without.'

And so Ike fell, still screaming, something like 3 feet, shattering priceless artwork, but unharmed himself thanks to the fact that he makes a point of never removing his armor. This leads to some interesting questions, which shall remain unanswered, because, Hell, the guy's like 16 or 17 right now…

As soon as he opened his eyes and climbed to his feet, Ike began fervently wishing that he had been knocked unconscious by the fall and that this was all a bad dream, preferably brought on by an excessive amount of alchohol and teenage hormones, and not a psychological insight into his subconscious mind. For before him, Ike saw the rest of the Greil Mercenaries, or rather, many of them, as some were unable to attend due to the author not really giving a damn about them in the game, and thus not having a clue of how to write them.

We interrupt this fanfiction for an important note. The following scene contains rather ungraphically depicted scenes of what happens when horny teenagers play video games and then go write or draw about it on the Internet. So please, parents, encourage your kids to read ahead so that they won't grow up to be horrible fanfiction authors who stick characters who have no romantic interest in each other into pairings simply because they find the pairing "attractive," "hot," or any other word meaning exactly the same thing.

We now return you to your regularly schelduled fanfiction.

Ilyana and-

We would just like to assure you that there will be no further interruptions. Thank you.

Ilyana and Zihark were… occupied in a manner that would ordinarily lead to a bunch of jokes regarding Zihark being a "Swordmaster" and Ilyana constantly being "hungry," but we really don't need to hear that, right? For the record, anyone who wants to use that concept in a hentai fanfiction/drawing, please DON'T give me credit for it, unless money is involved, in which case whatever you're offering me, double it, and I won't sue.

Lethe had apparently been separated out into humanoid and feline forms, both of which were currently 'involved' with Mordecai, in his separate forms, simply because he was the only Laguz around. There were several… variations involved as well, which are best left without specific information, because I'm fairly certain they're all considered illegal in the United States.

The fact that Wyverns are depicted as being more humanoid than serpent-like, or even really dragon-like (as dragons are usually shown, anyway), certainly didn't help to ease the nightmares to come to Ike, nightmares which, for legal reasons, are best left known only to him. And Jill. Okay, okay, that much I did have to say, but I'll shut up about it now. I mean, just because the thing was-

We break our word in order to interrupt this fanfiction for this important message. What a sick-minded ass this author is. That is all.

Mia and Rhys, who was mounted on horseback, were having a very impressive, high-speed sword duel, and it was to there that Ike turned his eyes, seeking refuge from the other horrid things he had scene. Ike made a mental note to later ask why this sort of swordsmanship was never displayed when they were actually fighting, but for the time settled for grabbing some popped corn and watching the show. However, he had no popped corn, and thusly was forced to look around once more.

Suffice it to say, all desire for popped corn was stripped from Ike's mind, pun intended or unintended, whichever gets me hurt by fewer people, and hurt less overall. Brom and Nephenee were living out an early misconception by the author of this story before he actually saw them say more than 2 lines, which evidently, in fact, constituted adultery for at least one of them. Brom's body set in particular wore it's own special scar into Ike's mind, which was quickly resembling the war veteran he himself was.

Ulki and Janaff were mercifully doing one of those bird dive-spiral-mating things, which I'm sure is breaking a principle of how they work, but don't really care, so Ike was spared everything but what his own mind could imagine. Fortunately, his brain was too overloaded to imagine much of anything. Unfortunately, that meant a lack of distraction to spare him such horrors as-

We are once again breaking our word to spare you the aforementioned horrors. This process is also known as "the author used up all his ideas and then set himself up to list off the remaining ideas, without realizing there were none, and then was forced to pretend to censor it because he's too lazy to rewrite the previous paragraph." That will be all.

After a good five, maybe ten minutes, Ike finally stopped going through spasms, and was able to stand again, albeit with some difficulty. Trying his best to not look directly at any of the nearby… events… Ike slowly made his way back to the castle's main entrance, stopping every minute or so as his stomach decided it had now produced enough acid for Ike to be capable of vomiting again.

Ike somehow managed to make it back inside, having lost a copious amount of body fluid through vomit, but he was too disgusted to notice or care. He collapsed in a heap of "more than you ever wanted to know about your friends"-ness.

"If Ashura truly is a kind and loving goddess," he said wearily, "I'll end up with complete and total amnesia any minute now." After pausing for a minute or so, Ike stood and said, "Yeah, well screw you too!" shaking his fist at the ceiling above, but with the intention that he was shaking his fist at the sky.

Sighing, Ike collapsed once again. "Okay, I've seen most of my closest friends and comrades naked, now what?" he pondered aloud. But before anyone could cry "Now you're a true Hollywood star!" Soren's words came drifting back to Ike, echoing through his mind.

"If we go to save the world or have another adventure again, those who watch us from other worlds might be entertained by that, and stop making up their own stories…" Soren's voice rang out.

"Soren!" cried Ike, turning to see the mage standing behind him, looking rather haggard. "How'd you get your voice to do that?"

"Do you like it?" asked Soren, his voice echoing through the room with the power of that filter they use when people are supposed to be remembering something they've heard.

"Now… when you say 'like,' Soren…" began Ike, before Soren interrupted, his expression changed to one of hopeful expectation.

"Will you-"

"No." answered Ike flatly, not waiting for Soren to finish. He then calmly punched Soren square in the face, sending the frail mage staggering backwards.

Soren clutched at his bleeding nose and pulled a stave from out of nowhere, because honestly, how can someone carry multiple staves at once without the ability to make them spontaneously appear and disappear? Gesturing to Ike with the stave in a manner best not described in detail, Soren quickly mended his nose, and began to climb back to his feet.

Turning his back on the afflicted mage, Ike thought aloud, "But how can we possibly save the world again? It's not like Tellius is an especially warlike continent, that thing with Daein was the first real war in ages. It's not like someone's just going to march up to Castle Crimea, announce that they're an invading army, and attack us."

"Ring the alarm bell! Ring the alarm bell! A giant armed force just totally marched up to Castle Crimea and announced that they're an invading army, and now they're attacking us!" came the cry from the watchman positioned on the castle's wall high above.

Ike received this news more with shock than anything else, not so much at the irony of the situation, as the fact that Soren had both tried to jump at him and not jump at him at the same time, and was now in a rather painful-looking position on the ground, with his legs splayed out beneath him. After handing Soren a vulenary, which somehow not only fixed his legs, but placed him back on his feet, Ike took the obvious course of action.

"Greil Mercenaries, ASSEMBLE!" he bellowed. Ike then ducked as an airborne hand-axe nearly split his skull down the middle. "Holy Hell!" he shouted as the axe's razor-sharp edge missed his face by centimeters. "What the Hell was that?"

"That, was the axe of 'scene change!'" cried a voice from behind him.

"God dammit, Boyd!" Ike shouted, spinning to face the green-haired axe-man. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay OUT of Shinon's booze shelf? Your brain doesn't function that well under the best of circumstances!"

Boyd's only reaction to this was to giggle to himself, then fall forward flat on his face. Ike sighed, covering his eyes with his right hand. He then waited impatiently for the rest of the army to assemble.

In a few short moments, the team was assembled. Rock music began to play in the background, as words scrolled in midair above the character's heads, who looked on with sheer amazement, and more than a little alarm.

In a world…

Where the disturbing fantasies of horny teenagers become a reality…

One band of mercenaries…

IS BACK!

And this time…

THEY'RE OOC!

Here the character's names appeared, floating in midair before their torsos. As the group continued to stare, baffled, more words appeared and scrolled past.

Ike: The leader, and all-around good guy who's all idealogical and stuff… Where have we seen THIS one before?

Elincia: The princess whose only saving grace is her kickass sword, which NO ONE else can use.

Mist: The annoying little sister, who gains the ability to use a sword despite her previously nonexistent strength score. Also in possession of the power to materialize a horse from nowhere.

Boyd: The axe warrior whose sole purpose in life is to let other people hit him and then be perfectly okay.

Oscar: The knight who can see while his eyes are closed.

Titania: The invincible paladin with a major crush on Ike's father that's completely obvious even though no one seems to pick up on it.

Rolf: The kid brother who's a hopeless crybaby, and is also hopelessly in love with Mist. For the record, he's a much better archer than Shinon.

Shinon: The obligatory leader-hating bishounen. Also drinks a lot. Worth noting that he sucks compared to Rolf, except he can use A-level bows.

Gatrie: The… wait, where is he? Oh, right, he moves about as fast as a car in downtown New York.

Soren: The mage who everyone except Ike hates because he's an asshole, which Ike is apparently in denial of.

Rhys: The healer who's constantly sick. Don't even ask.

Lethe: The hard-hearted catgirl who by all rights should have an obsessive fandom but appears not to.

Mordecai: The cat-man who can't talk.

Ilyana: The female mage who's constantly complaining about something or other… Wears a miniskirt.

Zihark: A myrmidon who you'd think would have a support with one of the Laguz, since they're the ones who convince him to join the army, but DOESN'T!

Mia: A myrmidon who gets totally screwed if she doesn't dodge an incoming attack. Wears bright orange for some reason…

Jill: A wyvern knight from Daein who had to fight against her own people after learning the truth about the Laguz. OMG ANGST!

Marcia: A Pegasus Knight from Begnion whose brother has serious gambling issues, which caused her to leave the knights to go save his ass again. Calls Ike "hon."

Ulki: A hawk-tribe Laguz lacking other description.

Janaff: A hawk-tribe Laguz lacking other description.

Nephenee: A girl who was given a serious southern accent when they translated the game even though she doesn't LOOK like she should have one…

Brom: A fat man who wears heavy black armor. Is usually out of commission due to heat stroke within 5 minutes.

Volke: A thief who charges you to open doors and chests even though there's usually some poor sap with the keys standing right next to the item in question.

The Rest: Currently absent due to lack of interest, whether on their part or the author's.

A few machine gun rounds quickly silenced the several murmurings of "that really wasn't funny enough to take up that much space," that were audible shortly thereafter.

We would like to prove ourselves to be completely hypocritical in order to state that no actual critics were harmed in the making of this fanfiction. For all you know.

"Well, mercenaries," began Ike, looking around at the rag-tag and red-faced group, which those of us in denial can pretend is from embarrassment. "A large invading force is about to attack Castle Crimea. Some of you may not make it through this fight alive. So I want you to know… you are the FINEST bunch of soldiers I could afford to hire on a budget of 10 gold pieces!" There was a short pause while each member of the group tried to come to terms with whether they considered that a complement or an insult.

"So now we must defend that which we fought to create!" he continued, speaking passionately to the assembled group, which had formed into a line for the sole purpose of allowing Ike to pace up and down it. "For our fallen comrades, for this nation we helped rebuild, and most importantly, to prevent a repeat of… THAT… Greil Mercenaries, TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!"

After a brief pause, Soren asked "Transform and roll out?"

"Got tired of saying just 'move out,'" was Ike's response.

"Yeah… but… 'Transform?'" Boyd asked.

"Suits me just fine," commented Janaff from where he was perched, now a magnificent brown hawk of great size. He then busied himself trying his very best to excuse the hungry looks Mordecai was giving him as residual OOCness. For the record, his best ceased to be enough somewhere around the same time Mordecai started drooling.

"Right, well, we can discuss my choice of battle cry some other time," Ike said before anyone else could continue the debate. "Right now the enemy is closing in on us, and we need to prepare ourselves for the battle."

"Let them come!" shouted a voice from somewhere above them. Though a conveniently placed scene-change the group could see a young man garbed in armor with a crown on his head, gazing out at the oncoming army. "Macbeth shall never vanquished be till Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane!" he called aloud, shaking his fist at the assembled masses.

At that very instant, a Treefolk materialized out of nowhere, grabbed Macbeth in one of it's gargantuan, gnarled hands, and promptly bit his head off, before disappearing back into its own dimension, apparently one where rifts in space-time could be opened for the sake of bad jokes, chewing audibly.

Ike noted that stunned silences were becoming a trademark of sorts for the Greil mercenaries, before turning back to his forces. "Okay, then, so as I was saying, what's our battle strategy?"

"Don't you and Soren usually come up with those?" asked Rolf, confused.
"Yes," replied Ike, "but I thought we'd open it up for free debate this time."

"Oh, okay," said Rolf, nodding in understanding. "In that case, I'd like to suggest-"

"No," interrupted Ike. He then spun around, and pointing in front of him, said "I want you, you, you, you, you, and you, with me. The rest of you," he here used a broad gesture in the direction he was facing, "are to guard the Castle's entrances, while we strike at the enemy head-on."

"Um… Ike…" began Soren, "you were already facing us… you just turned around and pointed at a bunch of tiles and a bust of Elincia's father, which is conveniently censored so as to maintain a healthy sense of mystery about what the guy actually looked like."

"Yes, um… well," began Ike, "the statue might come in handy… Anyway, Soren, Rolf, Mist, Boyd, Zihark, and Marcia will be with me, while the rest of you guard the castle."

"Um… doesn't it make more sense to leave the guarding to the palace guards, and take all of us with you?" Mist asked.

"Ah… my naïve little sister…" Ike began. "That's why I'm the Commander, and you're the annoying tag-along with the power to make a horse spontaneously appear from nowhere."

"Actually, Commander," interjected Titania. "She has a perfectly valid point."

"Surely, not you too, Titania?" asked Ike in surprise. "Okay, fine then, let me explain. You see, it's what we commanders know as the 'strike force effect.' Basically, the fewer, well trained individuals you have with you, the better you fight, and the easier it is."

"What?" cried Boyd. "How does THAT work?"

"It's simple, my friend," replied Ike. "The fewer of you I take with, the fewer enemies we encounter, and the weaker they'll be."

"But, that doesn't seem physically possible…" Rolf commented.

"Hey, it's never failed us before, right?" asked Ike of his companions.

"Well, except that time you KILLED me!" shouted Rolf.

"And me!" added Soren.

"And me!" Rhys cried.

"And me!" Mia threw in.

"And me!" came the cry from Janaff, Marcia, Boyd, and, in fact, many of the others as well.

"Well, that's just your fault for not being paladins," was Titania's reply. The rest of the group's response was to turn on Titania, only to have every single attack deflected by her armor, resulting in a chorus of "chink-ing" sounds.

"Well, you all got better, right?" said Ike, continuing the conversation when the others tired of attempting to actually cause some harm to the red-haired knight. There were some reluctant murmurs of agreement to that, so Ike went on. "So, we stick with what we know. Elincia can direct you in defense of the castle, so let's do this! Greil Mercenaries, have at thee!"

"Have at thee…?" questioned Rhys.

"Not doing it for you either, huh?" Ike asked. "Well, what about 'Greil Mercenaries, GO!' Or maybe 'Greil Mercenaries, Strike Gundam, Ikimasu!' Or maybe…"

The others turned, shaking their heads, and took up their specific positions, leaving Ike to run down his list of battle cries in solitude.

Closing Note: Sorry if "Ikimasu," is wrong. I meant whatever the Japanese word is that's commonly used by Gundam pilots as they launch, usually translated as "Let's do it!" "Going out!" or simply, "Launching!" though I believe there are a few different words they use regularly.