Disclaimer; I don't own Harry Potter

A/N Happy New Year Everyone! I hope everyone is safe and sound. Here is chapter four of this story. I hope it is to everyone's liking. I finished writing it and it is about 12 chapters total. Happy reading and don't forget to review.

The Diary

Hermione ran back to her room and got in bed with Ron as quickly as she could. Why had she let him kiss her? Deep down she knew the answer to that. She wanted to kiss him again. But that was over. She would get on the train with Ron tomorrow and in two months time she would marry him. She snuggled close to his chest and listened to him breathe. She fell asleep quickly dreaming, but of who she would never admit.

And the next morning she did just that. She got on the train with Ron, Harry and Ginny and made their way back to London. When they got there Ron wanted to stop at the burrow and see his mum and Lily before going to his apartment. Hermione told him she still felt ill and was going home to go to sleep. He kissed her goodbye and she apperated to her small flat. She was glad to be home. She walked to her bedroom and took off her clothes throwing them on the bed. She threw on a t-shirt and pajama pants and sat on her bed. She reached over to the nightstand and opened the drawer. Inside she pulled out a small red book that was hidden under piles of papers and other junk. Her diary. The diary she kept in her final year at Hogwarts. She had not read it for quite a while now. She opened it up and began to read;

September 1

I can't believe I am head girl! It is so great! I have my own room, which is huge and beautiful and a large bathroom where I can actually take a bath. The tub is like a swimming pool. My room is also full of books. I don't even know if I will have time to read them all. The only down side to all of this is that head boy is Draco Malfoy. So far he has been pleasant enough to me. I only hope it stays that way. The responsibility that I have taken on being head girl will be rough. I will have to help the younger students with tutoring, plan most of the social events of the year and I still have to keep in mind that N.E.W.T.s are at the end of the year. I hope I can live up to everyone's expectations and be what everyone expects me to be. Well, I am going to take a bath and get organized for our first day of classes tomorrow. I am taking all of the advanced classes. I will write more later.

She flipped through several more pages.

September 19

It's my birthday! Ron got me a very nice bag with my initials on it. It is large enough to carry all of my course books and has a padded strap so it is easier for me to carry. I wish he would look at me the way I look at him though. I have had such a crush on him for so long. He treats me like I am one of the guys and it is frustrating. I point blank refuse to frill myself up like Lavender Brown. Although I have noticed Ron staring at her from time to time. Anyway Harry gave me a small silver locket with a sapphire (my birthstone) on the front and in the middle is a small picture of us from our first year. We were all bundled up in our Gryffindor scarves, our hair blowing in the wind. It is beautiful. Ginny is so lucky to have a guy like him. Oddly enough when I got back to my common room there was a small package on the table. When I opened it, it was a birthday gift from Draco Malfoy. Strange huh? It was a beautiful eagle quill. I am using it to write this! Doesn't it write so smoothly? Anyway I didn't expect that. I will have to thank him when I see him. He seems so much different than when we were younger. Almost human. Anyway I have lots of work to do I will write more later!

October 15

Classes in seventh year here are murder. I am so overwhelmed with work I don't think I will ever catch up. J Harry and Ron are far behind as well but I told them they would have to do their own work this year. I should not have let them depend on me so much. I have got 3 feet of parchment to finish for Professor Binns, and an advanced transfiguration project due tomorrow. And I have to brew a potion for class tomorrow that has been giving me trouble all year. Oh, but something else did happen today. Malfoy and I had an actual conversation. He asked me how classes were going. Turns out we have most of the same classes. And I didn't know he was second in our class, behind me of course. Who would have thought that a blonde could be so smart? So anyway I have to get back to studying. I will write more later!

October 31

Halloween! Yeah! We had the usual feast tonight and a dance afterwards for just the seventh years. It was a lot of fun. I got to dance with Ron! It was wonderful! He held me close and I laid my head on his chest. I wish he would realize how I feel, I know what I am feeling is not some crush. It is love for sure. Not that I have ever felt it before but my stomach gets all fluttery and I blush every time he touches me. But I don't think he thinks of me like that. Boys! Something must have to hit them over the head for them to realize what is right in front of them. Well I am going to study. Malfoy asked if we could work on a particularly hard arithimancy paper together. It will be nice to have someone of equal mind to talk this over with since Harry and Ron don't take that subject. I will write more later.

November 1

Oh my gods! It is just after 2am. I just got done studying with Malfoy and something unbelievable happened. Okay, so we were just sitting there working on our paper and he complimented me on my paper. I said thank you, of course I wasn't expecting a compliment from him of all people. I mean he has been decent this year, more mature, but still. Anyway, he leaned in over my paper and was reading kind of upside down like. I moved the paper over between us so he wouldn't have to strain. And he scooted in closer to me. I looked at him and somehow I noticed things I hadn't before. Like his eyes. Oh gods a girl could get lost in those eyes. Some sort of combination of silvery specks and pale indigo. And his hair, that fine baby blonde. Well he leaned in like I said and we were so close together. And he smelled so good, and before I knew it he kissed me! ME! Hermione Granger. Someone he has teased since the day I met him. I don't know what it means, but gods was it nice. I feel very confused by all of this; I mean up until recently I thought he hated me. Or at least we had a mutual contempt for each other. And now, well I just don't know. I am exhausted. I will write more later!

Hermione sat there and thought about that kiss. That first kiss. She had been so foolish back then. So starved for any little bit of attention since at that time Ron never gave her any. She had thought that maybe Draco had changed. But then again she should have known better right?

November 10

I just don't know what is going on any more. Draco and I…well I don't know what is going on with us. When we are alone he is like a different person. But when we are in class or around others he treats me like I don't exist. And what is worse Ron is all into Lavender Brown. He almost completely ignores me. I feel torn in so many different directions that I am sure to tear at some point. Why can't I be happy for once? Why do I always have to put my own needs second to everyone elses? I can't help but thinking that maybe Draco is embarrassed to be seen in public with me. While we are here, alone in our common room he is the sweetest person, but as soon as we are in the great hall or in class he all but calls me 'mudblood' again. I need to ask him but I am so afraid of being rejected yet again. Well for once I am going to put my needs first. I will write more later.

Hermione remembered that day, that feeling. Feeling like she was not good enough for anyone. Feeling like Ron had abandoned her and Draco was toying with her. Harry was too busy with Ginny to listen to her and she had no girlfriends. It was a feeling of drowning in her own emotions.

November 13

Well that's it. Draco just asked me out for a date. Well kind of a date. A walk around the lake. I don't know where this is going but I am going to take a chance. I am going to listen to my heart for once. I will write again when we get back.

Okay, we just got back and I can't say I am any less confused about Draco and I than I was before the walk. He told me that he likes me. He thinks I am smart and beautiful but we have to keep it a secret. None of his Slytherin friends can know so it doesn't get back to his father. Complicated relationships that is my personal curse. But I have to say the walk in the moonlight by the lake was the most romantic thing I have done. We snogged for a while on the shore of the lake. He put his coat around my shoulders and we sat on the rock facing the lake. He looks like an angel in the moonlight. His white blonde hair blowing in the breeze. We sat in silence, just watching the stars. It was nice. I will write more later.

Hermione put the diary down. She began to cry just a bit. She remembered all of the hope and feelings she had that night. All the promise of a new love. She had fallen for Draco that night by the lake. Even though no one knew about their clandestine love she was still happy.

'Why am I doing this to my self?' she thought. 'It is over and I have moved on.' but even she didn't really believe that. She decided to read on. Reading the really hard part would help her hate him again.

December 24

Draco and I have a dinner date tonight. I think things are getting serious. He said he has the whole night planned. I am going to get dressed and meet him in the common room in a bit. I will write more later.

This has been the most amazing night. Draco and I made love in his room. It was wonderful and amazing and everything I wanted it to be. First we had dinner. It was all very elegant. Wine and candles. Dinner was delicious. He took me by the hand and we danced. He held me close and kissed my neck and before I knew it he carried me upstairs to his room. He laid me on the bed and undressed me slowly, kissing my entire body. I felt a strange tingling in my body. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. He took off his clothes and lay next to me, kissing my neck. I ran my hands over his smooth body delighting in every sensation. I had never seen a naked man before and I was kind of shocked. Especially when it got hard, I didn't think it would ever fit inside of me. I was so nervous, but he eased me into it, kissing and touching me in places no one had ever been. And then it happened. It hurt at first, but after a while I relaxed and … well it was wonderful. I think I love him. I do. I love Draco Malfoy. And he loves me too, he told me tonight. I have never been so happy. I thought Ron was the one I was meant for, but I think fate has dealt me where my true love lies. Draco bought me a beautiful pair of cherry red opal earrings for Christmas. They have such an inner glow to them, just like our love. I bought him a silver serpent bracelet with emerald eyes. He loved it. His eyes shone with tears and he told me that was the first real Christmas present he had ever gotten. His father refused to let him celebrate the holidays. I felt to sorry for him. Imagine not being able to celebrate Christmas when you were a young child. Terrible. I will write more later if I have time.

Hermione read on through teary eyes…

January 10

Oh gods, I feel so alone. Draco just told me he doesn't love me, he was just experiencing a 'Mudblood'. I don't know how I will ever face him again. I tried not to cry in front of him, but I did anyway. Why did I fall for this ruse? I gave him the most precious thing I had, my virginity and he didn't even care. He tossed me aside like so much useless garbage. I hate him, but I love him. Why does he have to be so cruel and heartless? And what is worse is that I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in about this since it was a secret love. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. Just a Mudblood, just a bookworm, just Granger. Why is this happening to me? I am a good person; I help those who need it. I tutor the younger children in my free time. Why don't I deserve some happiness? Some love? His little plan should have been so obvious to the so-called smartest girl in our class. Oh, what am I going to do? I feel so alone. So unloved. I love him so much. And I still do. Even though he just broke it off in the worst way I would take him back in a heartbeat. I need to get some air.

Hermione noticed the teary blotches on that page. She hated him but she still loved him and that was how it stayed for almost a month. She avoided everyone for that time, keeping to herself in her room crying every time she heard his voice. Towards the end of January, Ron finally noticed her. He asked her into Hogsmeade for a drink and she accepted. Then afterwards they had talked on the sofa in her common room and kissed innocently. She knew then that it was Ron she loved, and Ron loved her. It was a love that was built on friendship and trust. She thrust the diary back into the drawer. She had read enough to remember the hurt and the hate. She wiped her eyes and lay down. Her life was perfect right now and she would not allow him to hurt her again.