*A/N Where Arianna opens up to Steve about Russia. This scene occurs shortly after Winter Soldier. I don't know, but it could have triggers, so WARNING!
Steve woke up to his phone ringing shrilly from his bedside table. He groaned, but reached over to get it, sitting up tiredly as he answered: "Steve Rogers."
"Cap." Clint greeted shortly, and Steve frowned.
"Clint?" He asked, puzzled and worried by the edgy tone in the archer's voice.
"It's Ria." Clint told him, and Steve's heart dropped as fear made him grip his phone so tightly it creaked.
Steve drove swiftly down the streets, his jaw locked tightly in worry as he replayed the call he'd had with Clint in his mind.
"She needs you." Clint had said, and Steve barked out as he stood up: "Where is she?"
"She's home." Clint answered grimly. "And she's fine physically."
Steve breathed slowly, calming himself down at that. So, she wasn't in danger then. But he was still wound tight with worry as he asked anxiously: "What is it?"
"It's her old nightmares." Clint had replied grimly. "And I think it's best if you come."
It had taken Steve less than three minutes to hang up and get out of his house and onto his motorcycle.
So that was it. Steve thought as he drove his bike up to the curb by Arianna's apartment, stopping sharply as he hastily locked up and made his way over to the building. That's why Clint insisted on staying with Ria.
Clint had returned from Australia abruptly, after Steve and his team had taken SHIELD down about a month ago, and had been staying – surprisingly – with Arianna. While it wasn't surprising that he'd choose to crash with his friend (especially with Nat gone) it was surprising that he had chosen to stay instead of disappearing to wherever it was he went every time he had a break.
Steve had wondered why, particularly since it had been clear Arianna wasn't too happy with the arrangement, but Clint had insisted. Steve had just assumed it was to keep an eye on their relationship – and make fun of Arianna – especially since, the first few days of Clint's arrival, that was all Arianna was complaining about. But he'd been wrong: Clint had stayed to keep a watch on Arianna, waiting for her to relapse into the nightmares that they knew had never and probably would never leave.
Steve raised his hand to knock on the door, when it opened and Clint faced him with a grim expression.
"She's inside." He whispered, and Steve glanced over Clint's shoulder to see Arianna sitting by the window, staring blankly out into the dark sky.
His eyes flickered back to Clint's as the archer added quietly: "It's the third time in the past two weeks… that I'm aware of. I think she hides it when it's not as bad."
"Why didn't you call me earlier?" Steve asked softly, glancing back at where Arianna was sitting. She probably knew what they were talking about, but she didn't move or show any indication that she even knew Steve was there. She just sat motionlessly, staring out and away from the pair in the doorway.
Clint sighed.
"Because she wasn't ready, Cap." He replied and Steve looked back at him sharply.
"Cap, you may care about her." Clint said severely under his breath. "But Nat and I have known her for far longer than you have, and she's family. I won't make her talk to you, until she's ready."
Steve nodded slowly, and Clint walked out and passed him. Just before he left, he paused and added to Steve: "I'm sure Nat's said this too, but hurt her and I won't hesitate to put an arrow through that honorable chest."
"I know. And I'd let you." Steve answered dryly, and Clint nodded before he disappeared.
Steve turned slowly back to Arianna, noting the way she'd subtly tensed when Clint had left. So, she was aware and listening, despite her neutral expression. Steve sighed before he walked inside, closing the door quietly before he carefully made his way over to Arianna. She didn't turn, or move really, as he advanced, just continued sitting on the windowsill and staring outside.
Steve carefully took a seat opposite her, watching her. He noted the bags under her eyes – normally covered with makeup - and the exhaustion behind Arianna's carefully blank face, and the way her normally sparkling hazel eyes held an emptiness that honestly terrified him. Her long brown hair was tangled, indicating she'd probably thrashed in her sleep, and pulled into a messy bun behind her head, although stray pieces had fallen out and framed her face.
Steve carefully reached over, touching Arianna's hand tentatively. She didn't respond, and Steve took her hand in his as he called gently: "Ria?"
She continued to ignore him, although he noted the way she tensed further at his contact. He sighed quietly, asking again: "Ria?"
She slowly turned her head to face him, her face still neutral but Steve could see the internal war raging behind her eyes.
"Ria, please." Steve murmured softly. "I want to help. Please just… just let me in."
Ria blinked slowly, and Steve was shocked by how quickly her entire aura changed as her guard fell away. Her whole body tensed noticeably, as though fighting the shaking although it was a losing battle as her hands and shoulders started to tremble. Arianna bit her lower lip as though trying not to cry while her eyes filled with tears and a pain so raw it almost broke Steve's heart.
"Ria." Steve murmured as he reached over and drew her into his arms. She resisted slightly at first, a small sense of pride wanting to refuse the comfort because it would surely make her cry, but he was definitely stronger and her will crumbled very quickly.
Arianna buried her head in Steve's chest, her shaking getting worse although the tears didn't fall. Steve wrapped his arms around her tightly, rubbing soothing circles on her back as he kissed the top of her head softly.
"Ria…" Steve began and she choked out: "Give me a second."
He did as she asked, lapsing into silence as she took a moment to just take comfort in his arms as he murmured gentle words of comfort. After a minute, she pulled slightly back and Steve peered down at her worriedly.
"Sorry." She sighed, and Steve shook his head.
"Never apologize for something like this." He murmured as he kissed the top of her head once more. "I want to know when you're having a hard time, and if you need me, I will be here."
She gave a small smile at that, lifting Steve's spirit a little, before she sighed. Taking his hand in hers, she lowered her eyes to stare as she played with his hand absently.
"I know." She said quietly and Steve waited for her to continue. "It's just hard…"
"Because of Russia?" Steve asked and she nodded.
"We've spoken about it before, but it's just hard." She sighed. "It's not something that I can just leave and forget about. And like I said, being with you and seeing just how good you are, brought it all back."
"I think you think too highly of me, and give yourself too little credit." Steve commented a little dryly, and Arianna countered: "The same could be said for you."
He sighed, leaning in to press his forehead against hers. Arianna closed her eyes briefly, taking a deep breath before she opened them once more and stared right into Steve's blue eyes.
"I know you've read my file." She began softly, and Steve nodded, just listening. "So you know most of what happened… but there was a lot that wasn't recorded. Partly because it wasn't relevant, and partly because… it was internal issues."
He frowned slightly, and she smiled slightly.
"But I should start at the beginning." She paused before she continued: "When I was caught, in that cell in Russia… more than the physical torture, it was the mental part that almost drove me insane."
Steve's arms tightened around her, but her voice was even as she explained: "They injected me with this… I guess it was a serum or stimulant- a fear stimulant. It brought to life all the horrors of my past and more. The people I love, brutally tortured and murdered: my mom, Phil, Clint, Nat, even Maria and Nick."
She paused again, sighing before she went on: "And then more. People I killed came back to haunt me, their families either screaming and hurting me or screaming and being hurt themselves. It still sometimes comes back- people burning alive; children lying dead on the ground from one of my bullets, even if it was a stray; dead eyes watching me as though asking what right I had to take their lives."
Steve remained silent, and she glanced up at him abruptly.
"Sorry, got carried away." She muttered and he shook his head.
"It's okay." He murmured, and she pointed out: "No, it's not. I know similar things have haunted you."
"And you helped me get over it." He pointed out.
She gave a tiny grin at that before she said wryly: "We're a right pair, aren't we?"
"I wouldn't have had it any other way." Steve replied seriously, making her smile just a little wider.
"Thanks, Steve." She said softly, before she sighed.
"It's not those images that are haunting you." Steve pointed out, and she nodded.
"No, it's not." She murmured. "It was God-awful and took months of therapy to get over, but that guilt and horror… that I could learn to handle. To live with."
There was a brief silence, and Steve simply waited. He had a feeling he knew what was really haunting Arianna, but knew that the only way she'd get better was if she said it aloud.
"We've spoken about it before…" Arianna sighed. "But every time, it comes back to haunt me. The idea that… that I could be that person. That I'm no different from him."
Steve's jaw clenched. He rarely truly hated a person enough to want to kill them- that was an emotion usually reserved for people like Red Skull. Even Hitler, Steve would rather have brought in to face the consequences of his crimes than actually kill unless given no other option. But whenever he thought about the agent that continued to haunt Arianna, he almost wished Nat hadn't already killed the bastard just so Steve could go and have the grim pleasure of doing it himself.
"He was just an agent doing his job." Arianna murmured sadly, staring down at Steve's hands in hers once more. "He pretended to be my partner and… I wouldn't say 'friend', but I trusted him. For the most part."
If the mood wasn't so serious and bleak, Steve would've laughed at that. Arianna's general distrust of people wasn't uncommon in the spy world – how could it be? – but her paranoia bordered on the impossible. Sometimes, Steve wondered if it was the product of being almost family with Tony and Nat, or if it was because they shared that in common that they were good friends.
"But when he betrayed me like that… it wasn't like I didn't know it could happen." She admitted. "But… suddenly I was hit with the realization that I could be that person. That if I was ordered to, I could be the one manipulating someone's trust in order to backstab them in the worst way possible… just like Borisyuk."
Steve blinked. He hadn't thought Arianna would say the name- from what Nat had told him, he'd understood that Arianna had never uttered the name since she'd been rescued from the hellhole in Russia. She'd said it once, just once, when giving the statement to Fury and Coulson after her capture, and she'd never said it again. And there was something in that fact that caught Steve's attention.
He frowned before he asked slowly: "Ria… what have you been dreaming about? In your nightmares?"
She tensed slightly, but Steve placed a hand under her chin and gently lifted her face up back to his. He searched her eyes as she did the same to his, and he found the answer at the same time she knew she had to tell him.
"You." She whispered as Steve's eyes filled with sorrowful understanding. "It's always you. You and I are on a mission, and you pull ahead to scout around a corner. I'm handed a knife from someone in the shadows, someone with very familiar brown eyes."
"Your old partner?" Steve asked and she nodded shortly.
"It's always him, and always, always… a direct order to kill you." She continued in a murmur. "Now, when I have your trust. I scream at my body not to, but I… I take the knife and lift it to your back."
She closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath and Steve gazed at her sadly.
"That's how it always ends. I wake up just before I can stab you, screaming for you to run." She opened her eyes again, staring at Steve with tearful eyes.
"In the early days after I came back, it was always Clint or Phil." She whispered, her voice cracking as she said her old handler's name. "And then Nat made her way into the picture. But when I locked it away and didn't look back, the nightmares stopped. I was fine for the most part…"
She trailed off, and Steve placed a hand on her cheek, gently cupping it. She leant into it as she admitted: "Even when I started falling in love with you, I was afraid but it wasn't enough to start the nightmares again. But ever since SHIELD fell, when HYDRA blew up in our faces as it did…"
Arianna sighed.
"I guess… it reminded me. It was like my nightmares had come to life. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I didn't even know who I was working for. What if that happened again, and what if I hurt the people I care about?"
She'd meant it rhetorically, but Steve answered seriously: "Then you'll make the right decision."
She swallowed, bowing her head slightly at his words, but Steve coaxed her to look back at him as he said gently: "Ria, we've been through this before, but I know that you're good, and definitely better than you seem to think you are. I saw it when we met, and I know Coulson saw heart in you, and I believe he would be proud of you."
"But…" Arianna murmured slowly. "It doesn't stop. Steve, I tried, I really did, but the nightmares and doubt just keep returning and I don't know what to do-"
"I'll help you." He interrupted.
She blinked, and he continued seriously, his blue eyes piercing her hazel ones: "I'll be right here, and we can get through it together. Just like you helped me."
She stared at him and he smiled at her gently.
"I promise." He murmured and he was gratified when a smile spread across Arianna's face.
She leant forward, resting her head against his shoulder as she murmured quietly: "Thank you."
He nodded, holding her to him as he wrapped his arms around her and the pair sat in comfortable silence for the rest of the night, simply taking comfort in each others' embrace.
It took time, just as it had taken time with Steve, but slowly Arianna grew out of her nightmares. It would never really leave, just as Steve's old memories would always haunt him. It was just something they had to learn to deal with, and with Steve by her side, Arianna began to do just that.
Because sometimes, that was all it took. A Band-Aid could cover a wound, but it took time and care to heal scars. Arianna gave herself the former, at last choosing to examine and heal old wounds, while Steve provided the latter as she had for him a year ago. It marked the change in their relationship, and would lead them down a more serious path… but that was a whole other story.
*A/N Sorry about the corny ending, I wrote it and somehow couldn't help leaving it in since I was inspired to write it as I was writing Captain's Hart and Soul.… anyways, let me know what you guys think!