Crystalline

Part 1

The bell has rung softly and Mrs. Travers has gone to answer it. My mother has arrived. I pad to the bathroom to check my hair – it looks perfect. No need for makeup, not anymore, and I don't own any inappropriate clothes. So I sit quietly in the living room while mother dismisses the hired help. We will go out for lunch and talk politely. Do I look forward to these visits? I'm not sure; it is so hard to know what is going on inside your own heart.

She comes in and her perfect poise slips for a second. I've changed. Is she upset? It is even harder to understand my mother then it is to understand myself. She could be horrified or delighted. She could love me or hate me. She could think about me all the time or barely remember I exist. All these look the same on the smooth face in front of me. Do I care? Do I want love? Do I even know what it is?

Without thinking I've begun to rub my index finger. The one that no longer exists. My thumb caresses the jagged remains as I wait for her verdict.

"Is it diamond?"

"Crystal."

"How long ago did you lose the finger?"

"Nineteen days."

"Has it started to grow back?"

"No."

"Thank you."

With those words she accepts my transformation and the fact I will never have my finger again. They are now facts of life. So I accept them as well. We go out to lunch.

She speaks of her teaching and a little about Mr. Summers. I respond to her questions about school and the hired help. Yes, all is satisfactory. She is thinking about something else. Perhaps it even troubles her a little. Is her mask less perfect or have I learned to read her better? After the meal she returns me to the flat. We usually talk a little more now. This time she leaves immediately. She is definitely thinking about something. Am I sad? Can I still feel a sense of loss after all these visits? They all end the same.

As always, I feel the sense of loss as I leave. The daughter I don't have. This is my choice but I that doesn't mean I think it's right. I've left her alone again. A high end private school and completely professional servants. This is all I've given her. A condominium decorated entirely in brilliant white. She's never changed anything. Is it because she respects me or does she think she doesn't have the right? Does she have anyone to talk to? Did she have anyone to support her when she woke up transformed into a living crystal? Did anyone notice her finger shattering? Did it hurt? Is she still in pain?

Is it time? Will it ever be time? There are no excuses left. There is no reason to hide her from the world. Except… Scott. And would she even say yes? I don't know her, I never have. Does she want anything to do with me? Behind those perfect manners does she hate me? Why did she have to turn out so much like me? Beautiful and cool. Untouchable. Oh Scott. What do I do?

I was young and involved with the Hellfire Club. I could not give them nor let her become that kind of weapon. They never noticed. Telepathic suggestion can be useful and when she was born she got the best nanny money could buy and was gone. And when was the right time to bring her back? When has my life been suitable for a child, even when it was full of children? All those children and none could replace her…

Does she hate me for all those children? Think I didn't care about her? Can I, should I try to reverse things now? Will I just hurt her more? Will she say no? What would I do if she did? All those years alone. What have I done to her?

Emma is upset about something. It has something to do with the trip she made yesterday, to check on her business, she said. Is something wrong with Frost Enterprises or is it something else entirely? Will she ever trust me? It's so hard to know what's going on in her mind. Unlike Jean, we don't share everything. It's nice in a way, but I don't know when she's lying to me. I want to trust her, but it's so hard. I'm starting to understand Rogue more.

Emma keeps looking at me, as if trying to decide what I would think. About what? Do I want to know? Maybe I shouldn't think about such things. Just be happy with now and not worry. But I've always worried, it's in my nature. If you love her you should trust her, but how do you trust someone who was your enemy for that long? Especially when they won't tell you anything?

It has been only six days but my mother is back. I do not think this has ever happened. She's been gone for almost a year but never for less then a week before returning. What's wrong? Is she saying goodbye? My stomach is turning and I'm not sure why. Do I care that much? Maybe now isn't a good time to decide I do care about this woman. 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone', but I never had my mother. The domestics are leaving again and I'm waiting as usual and mother's face is different. Tighter. I don't know what that means. She's asking me how I like school and living here. Not whether it is satisfactory but whether it's good. And she really wants to know what I think. She's worried about the answer. I don't know how to answer. I don't like many things. I don't dislike this place but I don't like it either. "Any place you choose is acceptable." Is that an appropriate answer? No, her eyes… I'm not sure what happens in her eyes but it isn't good and I can't make it better. I can only hope she says what she is trying to say before I do something worse. Then she does and the world swirls around me and I don't know what I'm thinking not because there is no emotion but because there are too many. Far too many.

"Nicole, you might benefit from training in your powers. This is the specialty of the school I am teaching at. Would you consider moving to the school for a period to see if it is acceptable?"

Acceptable. The word that hurt her she uses on me. What does it mean? Acceptable for me or for her? Does she actually want me at her school? I have to answer, I can't just gape. I have to answer. Say yes. Have I? Come on, Nicole, open your mouth! Please…

"Think about it."

"You want me at the school?"

"You do not have to if you don't want to. You could commute or stay with the school you're in now. It is just a suggestion."

"I'll try it out."

Only try it out? But what else could I say? Jump up and down and yell "Thank you, thank you, thank you?" Scream at her and tell her to never come back again? She's getting me to hope and I don't know whether to hate her or love her. Being in the same place as her doesn't mean she'll talk to me; maybe she's just tired of these trips down here. I must not hope too much. I must remember that.