Disclaimer:Do not own FMA...

I can't open myself up to anyone I can't believe in anyone at all
and I can't see anything the light that shines is disappearing, soon it will be gone
unable to open myself up this is my weakness, my past
I can get what I want, yet if I do, the kindness I'm holding onto will slip away
the typical answer is when you die, you'll be reborn, come back again

my heart is shuttered, soon it will break apart
stifling my tears, I laugh day after day
my heart has shown me that believing is nothing
those hypocrites killed me

my heart is shuttered, soon it will crumble away
stifling my tears, I scream day after day
my heart has left me with a belief in strength
my own heart killed me

-Mushi

Dir en Grey

I know just how stupid that idea is, but my reason is in as much turmoil as I am. My arm is out of the shower, knocking things off of the sink counter until I find what I'm looking for and as I hold up the glistening razorblade, I start to cry.

I stumbled from the shower, the blade long since forgotten and I fall to the floor.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"I scream, my breathing coming in labored gasps and chokes.

I am not a strong man...I am not a man, men do not break down and cry, men are not weak.

There's Riza again, I hear her, talking through the door but I won't listen, I can't, there's a roaring in my ears and all I can see is white, blinding white and I think I'm dying.

"Colonel?Roy, please answer!" I think she's crying too, she is not as strong as she appears either.

She's still talking, I can hear it, an idiotic plead. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,shut up, SHUT UP!

It's over, so suddenly, so sharp and painful and now I'm just lying fetally on the floor drenched and useless.

I can no longer hear Riza, maybe she's gone.

I slowly stagger to my feet and dress.

There's nothing to do, I realize as I leave my room so I continue to walk, slowly, dragging my feet, my hands in my pockets.

Why am I outside? The rain has stopped, only to be replaced by a bleak shower of flurries and snowflakes. I never liked the snow.

You did, you loved it, you could never wait for winter, you'd take Elsyia into the yard and your face with light up as you ran with her, playing in the pure white snow.

I look up, aware of where I now stand along the rows of tombstones.

It's useless, as am I, why am I here? I'll always ask myself that, always, no matter what.

As much as I know it would be painful, I continue on my path to you.

And there you are, I'm getting closer and I feel an awkward emptiness.

All that's left of you to see is your name, and I can't pull my eyes away.

It dawns on me now, as I stand over your grave, just how much I miss you, how much I needed you, how I loved you, if you heard me now you'd think I was on something, I never was no emotional, I could always be stoic, but not now.

If only I could've told you how much you meant to me, if only I had made it better...I could've saved you.

I can tell myself that yet I know it isn't true, I couldn't have done anything, I never could've and I'm an idiot to think so.

I feel tears suddenly and I'm crying for the second time in one day. What is wrong with me?

I'm on my knees, bawling like a baby as my knuckles turn white in the grip I have on your tombstone.

I feel everything inside of me being swallowed up into something huge and dark as I scream and sob.

"Come back." escapes my lips and then it's all I can say, scream, want, wish, need.

My whole body shakes with my cries and I just want to know what you did to deserve this?

You are so loving, so caring,you had a family that you could never have parted from, what did you do?

I know why this has happened, I know why everything is torn from a person's heart and ripped into shreds.

My tears slowly stop and I gasp for air, still clutching your tombstone I make up my mind.

"I will make this right...I promise you, I will make this right, I will give you everything...I will avenge you."

desino