It's been ten minutes since I've stepped onto the treadmill but my calves are already stinging like crazy. Holding onto the bars, I push through the fatigue and force my legs forward.
Small steps, one at a time
Sweat drips from my forehead and my panting echoes through the empty gym. Shinji and I are alone. A personal request of mine. It's degrading to have twenty million yen worth of medical staff around me while walking like a toddler, trying not to puke from exhaustion. Having Shinji around is at least tolerable and, as much as I hate to admit this, irritatingly pleasant at times.
Small steps, one at a time.
Day to day, week to week, every single time Shinji leaves the hospital I'm utterly convinced that he won't come back. But he always does. Always. And I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Small fucking steps
I side-eye Shinji standing next to the treadmill, his face tense while he observes my every step.
For the longest time, I didn't give a shit about what happened before and after the JSSDF-Troops attacked. None of it would have made a difference to my situation but when physical therapy started, things changed. Recently I find myself thinking about this more and more.
The cramp hits me without warning. I stumble and barely manage to hold myself up. Shinji jumps to deactivate the treadmill. Before I can object his arms are around my waist and he carefully lowers me onto the belt just like the nurses have shown him.
Crap, I should have seen this coming.
"You have to be more careful," Shinji says with a concerned look on his face "Remember, small steps, one —"
"One at a time," I echo the annoying mantra that's been following me through the last months. "You know, you sound exactly like Dr. Kojira," I say and start to massage my legs. "Just grab a coat and stop brushing your teeth and I swear no one will notice the difference."
Shinji seems to think for a moment. "If we are that similar, do you think he could pilot Unit-01 for me?"
"Is your hit-ratio still sixty-five to hundred?"
Shinji rubs the back of his head and looks at me with an embarrassed smile. "Forty-four."
"Ouch," I grimace. "Yeah, then the Doc should definitely pilot Unit-01 from now on."
Shinji's face becomes serious again. "Maybe you should call it a day."
"Okay listen, Dr. Ikari. Just because you talked me into this doesn't mean you get to tell me when to quit." That came out way more aggressive than I intended. Luckily Shinji doesn't seem to notice, his face still showing concern. "I've got this," I say and add a quick smile to make sure he knows that I'm not angry. "Trust me."
I grab the handles of the treadmill and heave myself up. "Seriously, you're lucky that I'm not exactly in shape or I would kick your scrawny ass for doubting me."
"Maybe," Shinji says and there is this lopsided smile again. "Maybe not. Maybe you'd be surprised."
I don't know what to make of these bits of new, confident Shinji. Something still bothers me about it. But today—Yeah, I think I like it.
"Oh, you just wait until next week," I say and activate the treadmill again. "I'll wipe that smug look off your face and when I'm done you'll be surprised."
I fight through fifteen more minutes, only to see the baffled expression on Shinji's face. Small steps my ass. I'm pushing twenty minutes when the timer on my wrist-band beeps and indicates the end of today's session
"See? No biggie," I say while the belt slowly comes to a halt.
Shinji shakes his head, smiles, and starts to collect the rest of the equipment while I stagger down the treadmill towards my wheelchair. I slump down and my mood immediately starts to sack. Not that I'm unhappy with my performance. Far from it. I'm doing way better than anyone, including me, expected, practically dishing out miracles on a daily basis. But with today's session over I'll spend the rest of the day alone with myself and that's usually not good company. When I'm here, working out I at least have a goal, something to work for, something that makes me feel like I'm in control of my life and that keeps those nagging thoughts about my future away.
But most importantly: I'm not alone.
I sink deeper into the wheelchair and watch Shinji rolling up resistance bands of all strengths and colors. Somewhere down the line, I have to face the fact that Shinji had to save my life again and that I maybe owe him an apology or two... and a thank you. A big one. I push the thought aside. That can wait until I get out of here. Whenever that might be.
"What's wrong?" he says when he notices me staring.
"Nothing, I just—I don't want to go back to my room just yet. It gets pretty boring. Can you—I don't know, stay a bit longer?"
He looks surprised, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "You don't have to if you don't want to," I hastily add
"No—no I—I'm just really busy at the moment. Sorry."
"Sure. No worries. Busy guy. I get it," I say and sway the wheelchair around. With a strong push to the wheels, I roll my way towards the elevator.
"Hey wait," Shinji says and hurries after me.
"Press conferences, briefings. Must feel great to be important," I say when he catches up with me, bitterness seeping into my voice.
"I hate it," he simply says. His voice is soft and I can sense that he's about to slip back into his old self again.
Great job Soryu, everything was fine but you had to ruin it again.
We stop at the elevator doors and reach for the call button in unison. Our hands nearly touch but Shinji draws back and lets me have my small victory.
"I saw you at the last press conference," I say in hopes of at least minimizing the damage. "You're doing pretty well for someone who hates it."
"Then you haven't seen the early ones they forced me to attend. It was terrible. The PR Team had a mental breakdown because of me," he sighs. "The coaching helps a bit but yeah - After a while, it just becomes like piloting. I play my role and try to survive."
The elevator pings, the doors slide open and I roll into the cabin, turning the wheelchair so I can face Shinji. I guess there is no helping it.
"Ikari?"
"Hm?"
"Stop being so humble. You saved the world more than once and everybody rightfully loves you for that. You're officially a hero now. You should be proud of yourself"
"I'm not a hero," he says and his face drops. "Can we please change the subject?"
He stabs the touchpad, and the elevator starts upward. Hey, that's not fair. I patted his head. Why's he still in Gloomsville?
"Okay well, then you tell me something."
"Like what?"
"Like—something about yourself. Goddammit Ikari, do I have to pull everything out of your nose? I'm trying to be nice here." Shinji hesitates. He probably thinks this is a trap and I can't even blame him for that.
"I've signed up for University," he finally says. Wow, so now he's just making stuff up. Shinji at University. That's ridiculous.
"A cooking school is not a University," I laugh.
"It's not a cooking school," Shinji whines "I've signed up for Metaphysical Biology at UTokyo." Wait, he's actually serious?
"You're shitting me right?"
"No, I'm not," he says, crossing his arms.
"Jesus—"
The elevator chimes to a halt. Still a bit startled I roll into the sun-lit hallway of NERVs first-class rehabilitation ward. Shinji falls into step. There seem to be a few things Shinji hasn't told me.
"Okay, I have a question," I say and look up at him.
"How on earth did you manage to get into UTokyo? I mean they have standards and admission tests. Hell, you barely made it through school. Wait -" I squint "Did you even finish school ?"
"I've only missed one year, and it's not like I actively applied. They offered me a scholarship."
"You mean NERV bought you a scholarship."
Shinji thinks for a moment then he sighs. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Of course I'm right. They did the same for me back in Germany. The only difference is that I'm actually a genius and you picked the wrong field to study," I say and raise a finger. "Metaphysical Biology is just some convoluted framework hunched on top of Physics. At the end of the day, it's all just tensors and unitary symmetries in a potentially infinite Hilbert-Space"
Shinji looks at me like I've just said the stupidest thing he's ever heard.
"You'll never make it," I say
"Always the motivator," he mutters
We are only a few meters away when I notice the half-closed door to my room. That's strange. No one besides Shinji cares to visit me so I don't expect any visitors.
Then the overly sweet lavender perfume hits my nose and my mood tanks.
"You could have warned me that she's inbound," I hiss.
Shinji doesn't answer, his face is a mask. A bad feeling grips my spine.
Misato leans against the window sill when I roll into my room.
"Asuka," she says and her face lights up "It's so good to see you."
It takes an astonishing amount of self-control not to laugh out loud. It's been months since I woke up and the only thing that I've seen from her was her signature on a NERV branded get-well-soon card.
"Next time you decide to drop by please make an appointment with my secretary first," I say and nod towards Shinji. "I'm running on a pretty tight schedule. There are just too many wellness and beauty opportunities in here, you know."
Her eyes twitch and get stuck on Shinji who seems to have frozen solid next to me. Her expression saddens.
"Hello Shinji," she says, her voice an inch above a whisper.
"Commander," Shinji replies without a hint of emotion. He turns to me and I can see the discomfort in his eyes.
"See you tomorrow okay ?" he says.
"Yeah, tomorrow, sure," I say vacantly, my head still busy crunching the numbers on as to what I owe the honor of NERVs CO visiting me. And why are these two acting so strange? There seems to be a lot Shinji hasn't told me about. Then again, I never cared to ask.
"You look great," Misato says when Shinji has closed the door. "Shinji seems to be taking good care of you."
"He does." I tilt my head "So what do you want here?"
"I have good news and I wanted to deliver them personally"
I ready myself for impact.
"You'll be coming home soon."
Straw hair, sunken in cheeks, one eye covered with an eye patch; I can barely recognize my rain distorted reflection in the lobby's massive glass front. Behind the glass, Tokyo-3s skyline looms in the grey distance. I wonder what it will be like out there and the hollow in my gut spreads a bit further. Maybe that's what fear feels like? Nope, definitely not fear. Can't be fear.
Footsteps echo through the lobby. I look up to see Shinji approaching. His hair is wet and he looks a bit like a Section 2 agent, one hand hidden under the jacket of his uniform. My heart makes a small jump. I didn't expect him to show up. Stupid, I know. But I really didn't.
"I know I can be a bitch but you`re not gonna shoot me on my last day, are ya?" I say and lift a brow. "That would be overly dramatic."
He stops and looks clueless for a few moments. "Oh, sorry," he says and reveals a small cardboard box wrapped with a red ribbon. "I didn't want them to get wet." He looks at me expectantly with puppy eyes. "For you."
Crap, now I wish he would have drawn a gun on me. At least then I would have known how to react. Dodge, shoot for his legs and from there work my way into a choke.
I hesitantly take the box out of his hands and forget to breathe when I see what's inside. The two synch clips are weathered, with small cracks in the red varnish that reveal the metal underneath, but they are as beautiful as the day I got them.
"It's nothing special but I thought you might want them back," Shinji says, nervously scratching the back of his head.
I need a few attempts to click them into place but when they finally do it feels great. Like a lost body part being reattached. Only that I'm probably looking extremely stupid right now. My hair hasn't seen a scissor in ages. But who cares? Shinji seemingly doesn't.
"Tadaaa," I say with an extravagant wave of my hand "What d'ya think ?"
Shinji smiles and gives me a thumbs up. "You look great."
Suddenly I'm very aware of how close he's standing. I swallow and open my mouth only to close it again. I know what I have to say, and I really, really want to say it, but my worthless brain suddenly lacks the necessary vocabulary. Shinji's gaze rests on me and a sense of panic rises in my stomach.
Hello, Brain? We kinda need some words here...
I swallow again. I really should say something now.
Say something goddammit!
"So—" Shinji finally breaks the silence before it can bury us.
"So—" I respond with a dry mouth. "Um, Misato´s gonna pick me up. I'll stay with her for a while. Figure things out. I have quite a bit of catching up to do. I even got a few interview requests. You think they'll dig the eyepatch?" Great, now I'm just blabbering meaningless nonsense but I guess it's better than nothing.
"I'm sure they will. Just be careful, those people—they are only interested in printing headlines."
"Oh come one Ikari, reporters? Spotlights?" I say, slowly recovering from my brain meltdown. "That's what I was born for. Trust me I'll enjoy the shit out of this."
"I don't know a single person who deserves it more than you," he says with a smile that makes my insides tingle. I didn't know that someone could smile like that. Not for me.
"You really are the strongest person on this planet," he adds
"And yet, I wouldn't be here anymore if it hadn't been for you. You saved me" I say and fight the urge to look away. What the goddamn hell is wrong with me?
Shinji implodes like a dying star. His shoulders sack and his lips become a thin line "I—uh" he stammers, his eyes hitting the ground. What did I do wrong now? I know it wasn't the big heartwarming gesture of gratitude that he deserved, but it wasn't that bad, was it?
Then I notice something that I should have noticed sooner. Maybe it's just the light or the strangeness of the situation but Shinji looks old. Not like old people do but worn out, his skin pale, and thin. And these rings under his eyes—
"Hey, you okay?" I say, the hollow in my stomach spreading even further.
"Sure," he says a little too enthusiastically and that lopsided smile creeps back onto his face. "I'm fine."
It's the contrast that finally makes me realize what's been bothering me ever since I first saw it. It's fake.
Shinji clears his throat. "Sorry, I think I have to go." He leans forward and awkwardly wraps his arm around me. I freeze and he quickly pulls away as if he just burned himself. "Goodbye, Asuka." Before I can respond he turns around and is on his way out.
"See you," I say after a few moments, still blinking. It comes out more as a question really but Shinji is already too far away to hear.
What the hell just happened?
An: Thanks to everyone who took the time and commented, I really appreciate it.
Editing this is really hard, especially the dialogue so please let me know if anything reads strangely or too much is inferred.
I want to avoid dropping info dumps on people but I don't want it to be too confusing either. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks again.