*A/N Poached from the What If…? series on Disney+ because my creativity is limited and Marvel's is not. Premise: Arianna and Steve are guest-starring on WandaVision! But… how?

One day

Don't touch that dial

"For the children."

Wanda looked up, startled, as all the women around her chorused after Dottie Jones, the committee chair and (according to Wanda's neighbour and friend Agnes) the queen of the town's social circle.

Belatedly, Wanda set down her drink and added hastily, "For the children."

All heads turned to stare at Wanda like she had grown a second head. The pretty brunette next to Agnes who had introduced herself as Aria gave her a small, kind smile but she was the only one. Dottie in particular had her brows raised high before she cleared her throat and quickly moved on, as if ignoring an annoying bug. Wanda ducked her head and sighed to herself as she grabbed a biscuit.

"So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand-"

Wanda quickly clapped her hands, even letting the biscuit hang halfway out of her mouth from where she'd dropped it in her haste to not be late this time. Except, she was the only one clapping. From next to Dottie, dark-haired Beverly stared at her while Dottie gave a tight smile.

"... At the appropriate time, of course." The blonde continued seamlessly. "But first, let's review event etiquette. Dress code is upscale garden party..."

Wanda grimaced as she removed the biscuit from her mouth and tried to make herself smaller. Her new friend, Geraldine, helped her feel a little bit better, but of course, Dottie ruined the moment with her irritable arrogance. The good news was that the committee meeting thankfully finished soon after that without a hitch. Although Wanda suspected she had already been marked by Dottie.

"Wanda, would you mind staying and helping me clean up?" Dottie asked as all the women rose to leave.

Agnes shot Wanda a sympathetic look. Her suspicions cemented, Wanda still had no choice but to agree. The other women started to walk away, breaking into quiet chatter amongst themselves as they talked excitedly about the talent show later that evening. Wanda caught Aria's eye as the older woman paused to grab one last biscuit. Aria smiled guilelessly at her and Wanda answered it with a relieved one of her own. At least not everyone thought she was a psycho weirdo.

"Hello again, Wanda." Aria greeted in a friendly manner, smoothing an invisible crease in her pretty floral day dress.

"Hi." Wanda answered a little eagerly, glad to be making another friend.

"I look forward to your act." Aria commented as she straightened her headband absently to keep her voluminous, softly curled hair in place where it flowed around to frame her pretty face.

"I beg your pardon?" Wanda asked, a little bit alarmed. Was she found out after all?

Aria looked faintly confused as she elaborated, "For the talent show later? I heard you and your husband had something extraordinary planned."

"Oh, of course." Relief flooding her, Wanda beamed. "I wouldn't say it's anything too strange, though, it's quite ordinary."

"Oh, don't be modest." Aria chided. "You are quite special."

Wanda's smile froze on her face. "Excuse me?"

"Well, you and your husband moved here recently. This town doesn't generally get a lot of new neighbours, so you're quite the talk." Aria explained before adding quickly, "Not in a bad way, of course."

"Of course." Wanda smiled but it was more strained now.

"Aria?" Dottie came over, glancing at Wanda with a cold eye before she looked back at Aria. "Is something the matter?"

"Oh no, Dottie, I was simply getting to know my neighbour." Aria explained with a smile.

"Oh, of course..." Dottie glanced askance at Wanda again before she asked Aria, "How is your husband?"

"He's well, thank you for asking."

"Who is your husband?" Wanda asked curiously. Dottie looked like she was praying for patience and Wanda bit her lip, but Aria was all too happy to answer Wanda's question.

"Oh, my husband is Steve Smith. You may have seen him around in his uniform, he's the local officer and leads the Neighbourhood Watch."

Wanda's eyes lighted briefly as she recalled Vision talking about the Neighbourhood Watch, but before she could ask, Dottie interrupted.

"Yes, and we're all very happy to have him keep us safe. Now, Aria, weren't you going to help Bev with the chairs? It is for the children!"

"Of course." Aria nodded before turning to Wanda. "It was nice meeting you in person, Wanda. Dottie."

Aria smiled at the blonde as she bid her farewell.

"For the children."

Another day

Now in color

Aria heard her bedroom door creak open before her husband called, "Darling?"

"I'm in the bath, darling." Aria called back.

She heard a couple more squeaks as Steve apparently pushed their bedroom door open and closed a couple times.

"I think it's about time we got this fixed."

"I'll leave that up to you, darling." Aria chuckled. Steve was thankfully not just a pretty face but quite the handyman, which saved them a lot of trouble. Especially considering they didn't have Tony or…

Aria tilted her head slightly. Who was Tony?

She tilted her head back the other way. What had she been thinking about? Hearing Steve walk out of their bedroom, Aria nodded to herself. Ah, that was right. It was a good thing Steve was quite the handyman. Otherwise they would have to call someone and there wasn't a very good handyman in Westview.

Shaking her head at her town's shortcomings, Aria started to wash her arms… when the power suddenly shut off in her house.

"Darling?" Aria called, alarmed as her vision suddenly went completely dark without the lights. "Steve?"

Blindly, Aria reached for her towel as she exited the bath. Her dark hair fell out of its wrapping on her head but that was the least of her worries right now. Wrapping it around her body, she gripped her hand against the wall as she slid carefully to the door.

"Steve?"

An irrational panic blossomed in her chest as Steve didn't respond and Arianna dashed blindly out of the bathroom.

"Steve!"

"Ria?!" Steve yelped as Aria crashed right into him as he re-entered the bedroom in the dark.

They toppled over as a result, landing with an 'oof!' on the ground where Aria lay sprawled on top of Steve. The remnants of the Hydra Soak soap she'd been rubbing all over her body trickled down and stained Steve's hands and clothes as a result. Not that either of them cared as Aria pushed back her soaking wet hair as she rose up slightly off Steve. Her vision cleared as she did and Aria blinked down at Steve rapidly before she relaxed when she saw her husband's face below her.

Droplets of water trickled down the sides of her face and for a split, absurd second, it looked like blood - but Steve shook himself. That was impossible. Why on earth would his sweet wife be bleeding from the head?

"Hi, stranger." Steve chuckled as he reached up to push her hair behind her ear when it threatened to fall back into her face. It was tangled and slightly wild, unlike the pin straight way she usually wore it lately, but Steve liked the natural look he hadn't seen in a while.

Aria beamed back at him.

"We have to stop meeting like this." She quoted, reaching down to touch his face as they both reminisced about how they had met.

Aria could still remember how adorable Steve had been, how polite but almost hilariously awkward with women he was, how she had fallen in love with him because of his good heart. They had danced shortly after getting together, an old-fashioned but heartfelt wish of Steve's that Aria had been all too happy to indulge, especially after the way he had first confessed his love for her through her earpiece-

Aria frowned slightly as her memory blurred. And why on earth would she be wearing an earpiece? No, she had meant as Steve had confessed his love on the phone - that was why she remembered only hearing his voice.

"Have you gained weight?"

Aria turned her gaze back to her husband, brows rising high at his question. He shrugged unapologetically.

"My watch broke." He explained, holding up his wrist from under her to show her the cracked face. Aria glanced at the broken watch thoughtfully. But as Steve started to remove it regretfully, she grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Who cares? Time is relative, anyway." Aria purred, leaning down and pressing herself against him again.

Steve's own smile shifted. Not bothering to wait for her to lean down first, he rose to capture Aria's lips with his own. His broken watch slipped from his fingers as he moved them instead to skim over his wife. The dim light coming through the closed curtains caught on the Strücker brand engraved in the centre of the watch's face as it clattered on the floor. And the octopus skull symbol glittered ominously from beside them as Steve and Aria rolled over on the ground, not bothering to even make it to their shared bed.

The next day

On a very special episode

"Hi, Wanda." Aria called as she walked into her friend's house through the backdoor, carrying a grocery bag.

"Aria!" Wanda turned from her position by the stove, her huge curls bobbing with the movement. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, you know, Steve's on watch. I was just chatting with Agnes before coming over." Aria said unhappily before she grinned as Billy and Tommy came running into the kitchen with absurdly impeccable timing.

"Hi, boys! And who is this?"

She bent down to scratch the dog who ran excitedly alongside the twin boys. She pushed her enormous, puffed hair out of her face as she did so, tucking the wild curls behind an ear.

"Hi, Aunt Aria. This is Sparky!" Billy answered excitedly, before Tommy butted in just as earnestly.

"Is Uncle Steve with you?"

"No, he's at work." Aria shook her head. Tommy looked disappointed.

"Why is everyone at work on a Saturday?" He complained. "We wanted to show them the new tricks Sparky learnt."

"Oh, well, why not show me?" Aria asked. The boys glanced at each other.

"Well..."

Billy tried to start diplomatically but Tommy was much blunter as he said, "Because you're a girl."

"Now, that's just sexist." Aria pretended to be offended, before she looked over as Wanda let out a yelp.

"Oh, no!" Wanda bemoaned as she quickly picked up the two pieces of toast she had thoroughly burnt on her stove.

"Oh, sweetie, you want to use the Stark Industries ToastMate 3000 toaster oven. It's only the best there is." Aria said, shaking her head at her friend's lack of housewife knowledge. "Why, it's the best thing since Lagos paper towels were invented!"

"Lagos paper towels?" Wanda asked, never having heard of it before. Aria nodded.

"Yes. Haven't you seen the commercials? 'For when you make a mess you didn't mean to.' Cleans up much better than other brands."

Wanda paused in her steps, but Aria had turned back to the twins.

"Now, who wants some Yo-Magic yogurt?" She asked with a wide smile. The boys frowned at her.

"What's that?" Billy asked.

"I've never heard of that brand before." Tommy agreed.

Aria froze as though she'd made a mistake, before saying in an overly bright tone, "Don't be silly! Why wouldn't you have heard of Yoplait yogurt before?"

"But you said-" Billy started to protest but Aria waved his arguments away.

"Trust me, boys, you'll love this." She announced as she pulled out a carton of yogurt. "It's been approved by the best child critics."

"Who's that?" Billy asked.

"Oh, my-"

Aria paused again, looking like she was confused, but Wanda chimed in.

"Boys, don't eat those standing up. Aria, want to give me a hand with lunch?"

Aria gave Wanda a wide smile and the double thumbs up.

"You got it, dude!"

The next evening

All-new Halloween spook-tacular

Wanda turned away from yet another odd argument with her visiting twin brother, this time about all the children running around for once in Westview, when she spotted her neighbours. Aria saw her at the same time and she left her family momentarily to come over and greet Wanda.

"Aria!" Wanda greeted with a smile.

"Oh, Wanda! You look amazing!" Aria gushed, eyeing her red Sokovian fortune teller outfit admiringly. Wanda beamed.

"Oh, why, thank you." She shot Pietro a smug look. So much for looking lame, she thought victoriously. Pietro didn't look any more convinced but Wanda's mood was lifted as she added to Aria, "So do you!"

Wanda wasn't kidding. Aria was wearing a skin-tight black catsuit with red markings on her back that looked like a giant spider. Her brown hair was pulled into a tight bun at the top of her head, giving her the image of a sexy spider ballerina-slash-super spy especially with her fit physique. Although, if Wanda was honest, Aria's obvious beauty aside, it wasn't immediately clear what her outfit was supposed to be.

"You're… a spider?" Wanda asked. Aria nodded.

"Yes! A black widow to be precise."

"Ah!"

Wanda nodded while Aria added conspiratorially, "Originally, I had some extra legs to make it more obvious but they got in the way so I got rid of them."

"Well, you still look very nice." Wanda complimented before nodding over to where Steve was watching over the kids, dressed as a zombie policeman. "And it looks like Steve went all-out, too."

"Oh, he loves dressing up." Aria agreed before she looked around curiously. "Where's Vision?"

"Oh, he's… he's busy with the Neighbourhood Watch." Wanda answered, faltering for only a moment over the lie she heard in her own voice. She had no idea where her husband had gone or why he had lied about where he was going. She hadn't even realized he'd been lying until Herb had inadvertently revealed that Vision wasn't on watch today.

Aria looked surprised.

"Oh, I didn't realize he was on duty today… It's a shame he's missing all the fun, but that explains why Steve was able to join us this year. He so rarely takes a day off from protection duty, I was surprised."

Aria grinned fondly as she looked toward her family, at which point she immediately called out sharply.

"Jim! Don't run onto the road, please, it's dangerous! Tasha, Sammy, that's for sharing."

Aria strode over where Steve was helplessly trying to oversee the argument his daughters were having. It was obvious he didn't want to hurt their feelings but Aria was more decisive as she confiscated the bag of sweets her twin girls were fighting over. Ignoring their dismay, she split it evenly between them while shaking her head at Steve for being so helpless against 'Daddy's princesses' before she caught sight of what her youngest son was up to.

"Ant! Get down from there, you're going to kill yourself!" Aria cried as she ran to catch Anthony before he could fall down from the stacks of hay that were really too dangerous for a two-year-old.

"And I thought two boys were tough." Wanda shook her head as she watched her friend move deftly around her children.

"Oh, well, you get used to it." Aria answered. "Although it would definitely be helpful if Steve would be as strict with the girls as he is with the boys."

She gave her husband a withering look and he raised his hands in surrender.

"I can't help it. They're just too adorable." Steve answered as he quickly melted under his two girls' affections when they, already over their argument, tugged his hands down so they could kiss his cheeks.

Aria shook her head at him before she advised Wanda, "Don't have daughters."

"I doubt Vision'll be that soft." Pietro scoffed before Wanda could answer. But Aria disagreed.

"Oh, believe me, Steve was a tough captain when Jim was born but when it's Sammy and Tasha, he just melts into a puddle."

"I'm not that bad." Steve protested as he rose back to his full height while the girls ran after Jim as he dashed about with Tommy and Billy.

"You keep thinking that, darling." Aria patted Steve's arm while Pietro watched the kids run about with an odd awe.

"You know, I have to say, I personally wouldn't ever do it myself but it is amazing how you're raising so many kids. Mad respect." Pietro nodded at the other three adults.

Wanda grinned at her brother's compliments but Steve seemed to pause in thought.

"How did we have so many kids so quickly?" Steve wondered suddenly, glancing at Aria as their kids made their way back to them.

Aria opened her mouth… but she also paused. Pietro, on the other hand, just laughed.

"Well, the answer you're probably not looking for is that you two just couldn't keep it in your pants, am I right?"

Aria and Steve laughed as though automatically but Wanda gasped, shocked at his brazen attitude. And in front of the children too!

"Pietro!"

Pietro shrugged; besides, the damage was already done.

"What do you mean, Uncle Pietro?" Billy asked as he stopped in front of his uncle while Tommy frowned.

"What do you keep in your pants?" He wondered.

"Doy, extra change." Jim answered, rolling his eyes like it was obvious. Billy and Tommy made 'oh' noises while Pietro started cackling.

"Oh, boys. That's not-"

"Okay, who wants to keep going trick or treating?" Wanda interjected loudly, cutting off her brother before he could make things worse.

Pietro shut up at his twin's sharp stare but he still grinned and winked at the boys. His nephews and Jim grinned back at him, but beside them, Aria's twin girls and Ant just stared back expressionlessly. The three hadn't taken too well to Pietro, and he wondered if it was their young age. Sammy generally seemed shy of all strangers, so her wariness could be written off. But Tasha stared at him with unnerving hazel eyes that looked slightly green in the lamplight, and Ant's blue eyes were filled with an instinctive mistrust.

"I think we're actually done for the day." Aria admitted as Ant whined against her leg. Picking up her son, she soothed him but he continued to eye Pietro as the adults bid farewell.

Wanda took her own boys, who weren't ready to stop yet, but as she walked away she heard Steve say to his kids, "All right, let's head on home."

At once, Jim and the girls started to complain but Steve bribed, "First ones home will get some Yo-Magic yogurt. On your mark, get set… Only the survivors will get some, go!"

In the morning

Breaking the fourth wall

"Wanda?"

Aria opened her friend's door.

"I ran into Agnes taking the boys over to her house and she mentioned you seemed to be having a rough day-?"

Aria stopped in the doorway as she stared at the chaos going on in Wanda's house. The wall was papering itself when it wasn't buzzing out of existence, the furniture was shifting and changing from decor that looked like it belonged in the sixties instead of the late 2000s, the stairs were blurring like an image on a television with bad reception, something seemed to be clanging in the kitchen and a crane was poofing in and out of existence before it disappeared in red smoke.

Wanda stood in the centre of the madness, looking around with wide eyes before she lifted her hands and made a zipping motion with her fingers, and everything suddenly returned to normal. Wanda breathed heavily, apparently not even noticing Aria in the doorway. Aria meanwhile stared at Wanda before she looked at the camera.

"I don't think she was supposed to do that." Aria confided with a grimace, shaking her head.

"I don't know exactly what's wrong with her but it's obvious she's one short step away from spiralling completely out of control. In my opinion, she needs an antidepressant - or ten. Nexus anyone? Because right now, the way she's so not anchored to reality? It breaks the whole illusion of reality, you know?"

She paused before suddenly a look of confusion coloured her features.

"Although, actually… now that I think about it… Aren't I breaking the fourth wall here?"

Arianna looked at the comfy sofa she had somehow ended up in and then around the sitting room she had suddenly shifted to for her interview, only now realizing how impossible that was.

"How does that work? How is that possible?"

Arianna's brows furrowed.

"Where am I? Where're Steve and my children?"

Realization dawned and Arianna Rogers stared right at the camera. At you.

"Who are you?"

*A/N And I'll leave the ending up to your interpretation, readers! I am having too much fun here with the whole 'What if' series. Let me know if there is an alternate reality you'd like to see while my creative spurt lasts! Next up is likely to be a cameo from our favourite man in an iron suit.