Angela, you are the Queen of all betas (and so many other great things that are too numerous to list)!
Notes: I apologise for this overly sentimental detour, we will get back to regular programming in the next chapter :) Thank you for reading and feel free to comment!
Perception
Rodney couldn't sleep.
His head was filled with random images of the not so distant past. Unrelenting, his brain brought back memories in which a certain Colonel held the lead. He'd tried to initiate a shutdown by closing his eyes and regulating his breathing, but he remained conscious. He'd recited the alphabet and the beer song, counted up in even then down in odd numbers and had gone so far as to categorise the flavours of ice cream he liked by food group and colour. Dull stuff that didn't help at all. Nothing worked.
Rodney definitely couldn't sleep.
At least, during the day, he managed to forget everything; partaking in the experiments they were conducting on the force field. He'd established, with Zelenka's help, that it was permeable solely by gas. Anything else just made its way to the floor; synthetics, water, alloy, electricity. Ronon had offered the hypothesis that this particularity was meant to allow the occupants to breathe. That was preposterous, corpses didn't need to breathe. Nevertheless, the fact that oxygen did make it through to them was great. Breathing was great.
They'd tried throwing bullets through it since shooting was out of the question. Rodney had suggested that perhaps the speed at which the bullets from the guards had collided with the field allowed them to penetrate it. It was a possibility they were unwilling to verify. The thrown bullets had hit the field before falling to the floor. Teyla had noted that perhaps Lokas had been correct when he'd spoken of evil intent. Somehow, throwing bullets in a nice slow arc was not evil enough. It was amusing to Czech doctors who liked to pretend they were Babe Ruth, but completely harmless and unproductive.
Since sleep was elusive and his chosen distractions ineffective, Rodney spoke quietly to John's body. "This is your fault Sheppard. I'm tired, let me sleep!"
He waited, to recreate the cadence that had always characterised their verbal exchanges. "This is all your fault. If you hadn't been there, we wouldn't be stuck in this thing…"
He paused, letting the silence fill in for his usual partner. "In fact, if you hadn't been here at all we would be much safer and saner, you know that right?" He scowled at him and continued his one-sided conversation.
"You woke the Wraith. You died. You pissed off Kolya, which in itself is not a bad thing. You activated the necklace with the Wraith transmitter and I got a stunner shot in the face. I was paralysed! Paralysed, Sheppard!" Rodney sighed deeply but found that now he had started he was unable to stop. He had things to say.
"You went up against a Super Wraith and almost got us both killed. Gaul died so we would live. He would've probably died regardless but…he shot his brains out for you. I swear I saw brain! That great mind, stuck to the inside of a Wraith ship…I died back there with him, and I can assure you I wish I really had when I saw the Wraith coming at you. Ok, that's not exactly true, but it was terrifying! Then there was Chaya! What a precious moment we shared there. Made me realise I was just an encumbrance to you. That you, big shot Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, didn't give a damn what I thought." There, he'd said it! The man it was intended for would never know, but Rodney had said it!
"You died again blowing yourself upSo long Rodney! What the hell was that! You can't say 'so long' as if you're going on vacation and then blow yourself up…with my bomb! You just can't stop, can you? You die all the time! You have to be self-sacrificial because you're not enough of a hero yet, is that it?"
Teyla was listening; struck dumb by the darkness Rodney was unleashing. She felt like she was stealing from him, taking in his private thoughts, but she felt the urge to listen, just as he felt the urge to talk.
"You left me hanging from a tree, in the middle of the night, with a dangerous man. Granted, Ronon is not exactly dangerous to us but you didn't know that. Cadman was in my head and you thought I was crazy. You gave me that look when we met in the hall. I must've appeared weird but would it have killed you to pretend I wasn't? I know how it works between us but it was a really hard time for me! Didn't you see that? I'm not a machine and I hate that you don't care! I realised we weren't really friends. I realised I expected too much."
His voice dropped to a murmur as he continued to unload month's worth of memories. Teyla felt like a voyeur but she was mesmerised by his perception of the peculiar relationship between McKay and Sheppard.
"We were shot down by those prisoners and you believed that murderer. You trusted him more than me. You believed those things he said, you believed I would let you die to set myself up as a hero. You thought I was lying! I wasn't! I didn't think it would work! I wouldn't put you in danger for heroics, no matter how much you think I crave recognition!"
He fell silent as though drained from the outpour of words. Teyla thought it strange, that he recalled looks, meaningless words and what seemed like insignificance. There had been much bigger issues between the two men, but one never knows what lies in the heart. She closed her eyes, intent on forgetting about this night, but he spoke once more.
"You withheld your trust completely when I made a mistake. A big one. A big, big one, but a mistake nonetheless. You'll never know how negligible I felt. I understand your reaction but it doesn't make it any less of a slap in the face. You dismissed me so…cavalierly, as if it was a trivial matter."
Once again, he fell silent. His following words shocked Teyla tremendously. She decided that wiping this night from her memory would be the wisest choice. To preserve the unity of the team Ronon, Rodney and herself still formed.
"I hate you." His voice broke. He broke. Fisting his hands, he struggled to control his breathing as his face distorted in a pained expression.
"I hate you so much, and you make it so easy. I wish you had never sat in the Chair. I wish you weren't here, we'd never met. I don't like this…John…I don't want to be with people, care what they think, miss them when they're gone." He ran a hand over his crumpled features and regained control, seemingly recognizing what he had been saying to the man he considered his best friend, in spite of everything.
"I'm sorry. So sorry I failed you. I didn't mean those things, not really. It's just so much easier to hate you right now. What am I supposed to do? No death ever has or ever will hurt this much. Do you get that? Atlantis can fall, the whole galaxy can be fed on by the Wraith and not one of those deaths will hurt as much as this…you're like…you're family to me."
Teyla felt tears fall from her eyes and she held the sob that threatened to escape. This was hurting her too. She felt in tandem with him; as he spoke, she ached.
"How could you abandon me like that? How can you abandon us? What do you think we're going to do now? We're going to fall apart! You know you're the nucleus! You know you're the most important part of this team. Damn it, John! How can you be dead!"
Silence fell on the room, oppressive and depressive. Teyla let the tears fall, taking care to swallow any sounds that would reveal her indiscretion. Rodney mustn't know she had witnessed this.
Ronon, on the other hand, had heard quite enough and was not above making it known. He'd been listening, but didn't believe Rodney had meant any of the meaner things he had said. McKay was a valued member of their team, surely he knew that. He'd have to be an idiot to believe Sheppard thought him anything else than an honourable man, to believe that he wasn't Sheppard's family. He probably just needed an outlet; had thought them asleep and let his mouth run, unthinking. "McKay, shut up and sleep. Enough with your whining!"
There was a sharp intake of breath, but no answer. Following his intervention Ronon fell asleep rapidly, satisfied McKay would settle for the night.
Teyla had nearly slipped into the forgiving arms of sleep when she heard the last weary words of the morbid confession.
"You can't be dead. I won't let you…"