Lord of the Minks: The Two Towels Chapter 2: The Riderette of Rohan, a lord of the rings fanfic

Disclaimer: Folks. Must I say it? This is the second chapter of the second STORY in a three-story saga, the first story of which I stated NINE TIMES that I didn't own LoTR. I also said it last chapter. That makes this the eleventh time I said "I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS." However true it may be, I dislike saying it. All right, folks, you want to know how many reviews I got? One. From my much-beloved friend 13ourladyofsorrows13, without whom you would not have your update. Will you guys PLEASE review?

"Wait, wait, WAIT! DON'T THROW ME!...Oww..."

The orc, of course, threw me to the ground and I landed heavily on my side. I crawled over to Merry, and we were joined after a second by Pippin. Merry rolled over weakly.

"I think," he said, "we might've made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin."

Pippin grinned. I was beginning to think that going to the beach that day so long ago was a shitty idea.

The orcs began to chop down trees, and a creaky groaning came from the forest. Pippin looked from me to Merry.

"What's making that noise?"

Merry raised himself up on one elbow, looking around. "It's the trees..."

Pippin looked at him like he was insane. "What?"

"You remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall... and come alive."

"Alive?"

"Trees that could whisper... talk to each other... even move."

"Sounds like middle school... oh, no, wait, that's my teachers I'm thinking of," I muttered mainly to myself.

"Middle school?"

"What's that?"

"Living hell," I replied, and was about to elaborate, but I was interrupted.

"I'm starving," said one of the orcs. "We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days?"

"Yeah!" agreed the really gross bald slimy dude. "Why can't we have some meats?" He looked at us, and I grinned in a manner that had this been anime, those blue line thingies would've appeared on one side of my head. "What about them? They're fresssssh."

"They are not for eating!" said Ugluk, the really big nasty dude who made Merry and Pippin's lives hell in the book.

"Are none of you guys vegetariens?" I demanded. They ignored me, but Merry and Pippin gave me YOU ARE RETARDED glances, and probably would've said something, but then we were dragged to our feet by two orcs. "OW! GOD DAMN YOU, THAT FUCKING HURTS!"

"What about their legs?" asked Grishnak, the other really big nasty dude who also made Merry and Pippin's lives hell in the book. "They don't need those." Merry, stricken, looked down at his legs. "Ooh, they look tasty-"

"Get back, scum!"

"What he said!"

"Liana, shut up!"

"The prisoners go to Saruman! Alive... and unspoilt."

"That can't mean anything good."

"Liana, shut up!"

"Alive?" asked Grishnak. "Why alive? Do they make good sport?"

"No, I don't like sports. Especially after eighth-grade gym class-"

"Liana, shut up!"

"They have something... an elvish weapon. The Master wants it for the war."

"They think we have the Ring," whispered Pippin.

"Shh!" shushed Merry. "Soon as they find out we don't, we're dead!"

The really gross slimy dude came right up behind us. "Just a mouthful! A bit off the flank!"

Ugluk solved this problem by slicing off his head. I almost puked. "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!"

They shoved us out of the way and the three of us fell to the ground, Pippin and I looking back in disgust as intestines and god-knows-what-else flew from the "feast."

"Guys!" said Merry urgently. "Let's go!"

We started to crawl away, and I began to try to think what was wrong here. I was between Merry and Pippin, and I was trying to remember what happened, when a weight pressed down on my back. And then I remembered as Grishnak flipped me over.

"Go on, call for help!" He grabbed my face. "Squeal! No one's gonna save you now!" Oh, DISGUSTING! He had Rancid Breath! And then a spear pierced his back and I rolled out from under him.

All three of us looked. The Rohirrim were here! I started wildly looking around for the sharp rock they'd cut their ropes on in the movie, and was unsuccessful. A horse almost came down on Pippin, but he rolled out of the way. I tried to roll also, but my hand came down on a sharp rock.

"OW! Oh, wait, that's a good thing-" I started rubbing the ropes on the rock and they frayed and broke. Happy, I took the rock and cut my ankles free, and when I looked up, Merry and Pippin were nowhere to be found. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

I was so fucking dead.

"Liana?"

Or so I thought.

A girl on one of the horses was looking down, and I stood up, ignoring the pain in my ankle. "Who are you?" She pulled off her helmet and I gasped. "KATHLEEN! OHMYGAWD!" It was Kathleen from camp!

"Liana, what the hell are you doing here?" she demanded. "Here, grab my hand, I'll help you up-"

I gratefully took her hand and she pulled me onto her horse. "What are you doing here, Kathleen?"

"I don't know! I was filling out some ScanTron for school, and all of the sudden, I'm in Middle Earth! How did you get here?"

"A bunch of us were at the beach, and then we were in the middle of a bunch of trees. And then Aragorn comes out of nowhere!"

"YOU MET ARAGORN?"

"Um... ya."

"At what point?"

"Right after Arwen appeared and took Frodo to Rivendell."

"YOU'VE BEEN TRAVELING WITH THE FELLOWSHIP?" She looked extremely jealous. "Lucky! Oh, remember last year at camp when we made idiots of ourselves because our horse instructor had been one of the Riders of Rohan?"

"Yeah...?"

"Well, I found the one he played!"

We both started screaming. I was so excited. Life was good.

LINE! LINE! LINE! LINE, GOD DAMN YOU!

(Stimpy POV)

"A red sun rises," said Legolas melodramatically. "Blood has been spilt on this night."

Suddenly, we heard the sound of a bunch of horses approaching and dove behind a rock. Someone (I wasn't sure who) had landed on me, and I was in a considerable amount of pain. Once they had passed, Aragorn stood up.

"Riders of Rohan!" he yelled. "What news from the North?"

And badabing, we were circled with a bunch of spears. Eomer came forward.

"What business does three elves, a man, a dwarf, and two children-"

"And us," said Molly and I at the same time.

"-have in the Riddermark?" he asked, ignoring us. "Speak quickly!"

"Give me your name, horse master," growled Gimli, "and I shall give you mine."

"Wait!" said a voice from inside the crowd of horses. "Just wait a second!"

"LIANA?" demanded basically everyone.

(Liana POV)

I grinned from my place on Kathleen's horse. "Heyya, guys."

"OHMYGAWD!"

"YOU'RE OKAY!"

"WE WERE SO WORRIED!"

"WE MISSED YOU!"

Once we had calmed down, Aragorn started talking again. "I am Aragorn, son of Aragorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, Legolas of the Woodland Realm, Raina of Lorien, Rodney of Rivendell, and Antony, Saria, Molly and Stimpy."

"And you already know me, Eomer," I said. "These guys are my friends."

"We found her in the middle of a bunch of Uruk-Hai," said Kathleen.

"We are friends of Rohan," said Aragorn. "And of Theoden, your king."

"I'm sure they know their own king, Arrie," said Raina.

"Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe," said Eomer, taking off his helmet. "Not even his own kin." The dudes pulled back their spears. "Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and claimed lordship over this land. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say, as an old man, hooded and cloaked." He looked at Legolas with an I-Don't-Trust-You-You-God-Damned-Elf look. "And everywhere his spies slip past our nets."

"We are no spies. We track a body of Uruk-Hai westards," said Aragorn. "The same from which you rescued Liana. They had taken her and two others captive."

"Liana here was the only one we saw," said Eomer.

"But there were two more hobbits!" said Gimli. "Did you see two hobbits with her?"

"They would be small," said Aragorn. "Taller than Liana, but still mere children to your eyes."

Eomer looked at the ground. "We left none alive."

Gimli stared. "Dead?"

"I am sorry. We piled the carcasses and burned them." He whistled. "Hasufel! Arod!"

"They'll need more horses than that, my Lord Eomer," said Kathleen. "How about the two we found?"

"Of course, young Kathleen," said Eomer. "Bring forth the new horses! Their names are Voc and-"

"Tumbleweed?" The brown horse with a black mane and tail trotted over to me. "TUMMY! OHMYGAWD! KATHLEEN, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME TUMBLEWEED WAS HERE!"

"I didn't know!"

Tumbleweed was from the stable I used to volunteer at! He had been a mean horse to everyone but me. Because I'm special and he loves me. And he was here! I hugged him.

"May these horse bear you to good fortune," said Eomer. "Better fortune, I hope, than that of the masters of Arod and Hasufel. Farewell." He pulled on his helmet. "Look for your friends, but do not trust a hope. It has forsaken these parts. We ride north!"

"Bye, Kathleen, see you at the end of the fic," I said, hugging her and hopping off the horse she was riding.

"Bye, Lindsay, darling." She left. I grinned and climbed onto Tumbleweed.

"Riding arrangements, folks?"

Legolas took charge. "Who here has ridden before?" Raina and I raised our hands. "All right, then I will take Arod, Aragorn, Hasufel, Raina, you take Voc, and Liana, you obviously already know Tumbleweed. Gimli, you may ride with me, Rodney, with Aragorn, Saria, with Raina, and Antony, with Liana. Stimpy, you go with Antony and Liana, and Molly, with Raina and Saria."

"Good thing Nicole's not here, huh?" I asked Antony as he climbed up. "She wouldn't want you on the same horse as her. Actually..." A mental picture of our friend Nicole knocking Antony off a moving horse came to mind and I started giggling. "Antony, I can't reach the stirrups with my feet, you can have them." Stimpy jumped up in front of me and we were on our way to the pile of orcs.

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!" I "sang."

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!" repeated Antony, Saria, Raina and Molly. Stimpy was looking at us like we were retarded, and Rodney was just laughing. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were looking very scared.

"I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO MY BLOCK!"

"WITH A PIZZA IN MY HAAAND!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"HEYOOOOOO DIDDLY DOCK!"

"I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO MY BLOCK!"

"WITH SOME NUNSHUCKS IN MY HAAAND!"

"I'M GONNA BE LIKE JACKIE CHAN!"

"JACKIE CHAAAN!"

"PIZZA MAN!"

"I'M GONNA BE A PIZZA MAN!"

"HEYOOO-"

"SHUT UUUUUUP!" yelled everybody who was not myself, Antony, Saria, Raina or Molly.

So rude. So evil. Tumbleweed snorted, as if agreeing with me.

"See? I'm always right," I said. "Tummy, you want to play I Spy?" He ignored me. "Oh, come on!" Still no answer. "Tummyyyyy?"

"Liana, you do realized that you're talking to a horse, right?" asked Antony.

"...So?" He just shook his head, and I became bored. "I think I'mma go bug Leggykins. HEY, ODETTE!"

"Who?" asked Legolas and Antony at the same time.

"You look like Odette from Swan Princess. Haha. Hey, Rodney, remember when we were babysitting at the temple and we were watching it?"

"You mean, it was playing," said Rodney. "No one was watching it."

"True... anyways, Odette, I'm really bored and I want to do something but there's nothing to do and hey wait a second! We're supposed to be galloping!" We were walking, whereas in the movie, they had been galloping. "I'M GONNA BE THE FIRST ONE TO THE ICKY PILE OF DEAD ORCISH THINGS! GIDDYUP, TUMBLEWEED!" Heheh, I like saying giddy up.

"NO, LIANA, NONONONONONONONOOO!" yelled Antony as I urged Tumbleweed to a gallop. Hehe. Funtime.

"We can't let her beat us, Voc!" I heard Raina yell behind us. "I don' sink sooooo!" Voc began to gallop, too, and he passed us.

"Oh, no, you don't! Hold on, Antony, we're going faster!"

"FASTER?"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I exclaimed as Tumbleweed galloped even quicker. Tumbleweed was one of the fastest horses at the stable, and he ran right past Voc with no trouble at all. "NYEH NYEEEH- AAH!"

Legolas and Gimli were right behind us, and Aragorn and Rodney right behind them.

"NONE SHAL BEAT TUMBLEWEED IN A RACE OF SPEED!" I yelled dramatically. But it seemed like Tumbleweed didn't feel like running anymore, because he stopped short and Antony and I almost pitched forward off him. "AAH, NO, TUMMY, NO!" I put on my best Yosemite Sam voice. "GIDDYUP! GIDDYUP, GIDDYUP!" I then pretended to whack Tumbleweed in the head. "WHEN I SAY GIDDY UP, I MEAN GIDDYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tumbleweed took off again.

So, we weren't first to the Icky Pile of Dead Orcish Things. We were last. Which is kinda like first, only not.

Gimli and Antony were the first off their horses. I think Rodney would've stumbled off too, except he was an ELF (BWAHAHAHAHAH!...I still have no idea why that's so funny) and could communicate with the horse or some shit like that. Gimli started rummaging through the dead burned orc things (GROSSSSSS!) and he pulled out a blackened Lorien belt.

"It's one of their wee belts," he said.

"Who says 'wee?'" I asked Raina in an undertone, and she giggled. Legolas began muttering in Elvish with his hand over his heart, and he just looked so cute that I had to be nice and not hug him. I heard a clunk and then Aragorn screamed. "OOH, ARRIE BROKE HIS TOOOOES!" I yelled, then covered my mouth. "Ooh, that was loud. No," I said to Antony and Raina, who were looking at me. Antony had never seen the movies, and Raina had never seen the special four disk edition. "During this part, Viggo Mortenson broke two of his toes kicking the helmet, and the actual moment where he breaks them is in the movie."

"Oooooh," they both said.

"We failed them," said Gimli sadly.

Aragorn looked at the dirt. "A hobbit lay here-"

"That was me," I said, trying to remember. "Merry was on my right, and Pippin was on my left. Actually, no, I'm stupid, PIPPIN was on the right, and MERRY was on the l-"

"They crawled," said Aragorn, ignoring me. How rude. He started to follow the tracks of us crawling, and Legolas, Gimli, and Antony were right behind him. Hah, Antony thought Merry and Pippin were dead. "One branches off here-"

"That was where I tried to roll and a sharp rock hit my hand," I said. He followed Merry and Pippin's trail, again ignoring me. Meanie. "Their hands were bound..." He picked up a frayed rope. "Their bonds were cut! The tracks lead away from the battle..." He stood. "...into Fangorn Forest."