Disclaimer: I own nothing here, apart from The twisted plot and the fact I keep calling Malfoy 'Bernard' (Mr Malfoy is really called Bazil, btw)
I don't own the songs, or the people, I don't even own this paperclip, its my mothers.
I did put the names of the characters underlined and the stage directions in Italics, but it wont come up like I wanted it to, just know I did make the effort.
Thank you for reading.
Fade in Music from Disneys Hercules, a star is born.
Like a beacon in the cold dark night
A star is born
Told ya ev'rything would turn out right
A star is born
Just when ev'rything was all at sea
The boy made history
The bottom line
He sure can shine
His rising sign is Capricorn
Harry: its Cancer, duh
He knew "how to"
He had a clue
Telling you a star is born
Harry Potter and the Philosophers saxophone: the Musical, scene one.
A young boy, not 11 years old is lying awake in his bed, a smile playing at his lips, he reaches for his glasses, the start up music from Beauty and the beast… starts up
Harry (with perfect, choir boy voice):
Little town, It's a Muggle village,
Every day, like the one before.
Little house, full of little people,
Wake me up to say;
Uncle Vernon: HARRY GET YOUR BITCH ASS IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME SOME PIE!
Harry: There goes my uncle in a rage like always
The same old drills and bits to sell
Every morning just the same
Since the morning that I came
On a huge air born motorbike flown by a giant!
Aunt Petunia: Harry, fry the bacon
Harry (in a voice too happy for any normal preteen):
morning to you as well!
Aunt Petunia: and don't dare burn any, its my little duddly, Wuddly, Cuddly, Muddly, Tuddlys birthday and everything must be perfect!
Harry (in the same sugar coated voice):
yes auntie dearest! I just had the most wonderful dream, about an ogre, and a bean stock and-
Aunt Petunia, looking worried:
SHUT UP BOY, THERE'S NO SUCH THING!
Piers and Dudley appear at the window, noses presses against the glass, despite the fact it's Dudley's own home.
Dudley and Piers: look there he goes the boy is strange no question
He seems distracted cant you tell?
Never part of any crowd,
Because his heads up in some cloud,
No denying he's a funny one,
That kid!
Harry: ooooooh, isn't this, amazing,
I love mornings best because you see
Here's were I show how much I love them,
By cooking them each enough bacon and eggs to serve twenty-three!
Uncle Vernon: he's strangely happy and it's most unusual
I'm getting worried, Its not right
Do you think he's worked it out?
That his father was no lout?
Better lock him up and hope no letters come!
Dudley: hey mum, hey dad,
Where are my presents?
Aunt Petunia: there over there,
My little son
Dudley: oh woe, is me,
That's one less than last year
Harry jumps up onto the table and throws up his armsHarry: I hope there's more to this Provencal life!
Gaston: look here I'm going to make Belle my wife! Aw shit! Wrong musical!
Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia:
look this is stupid, no one care's, let's kill him,
There would be one less mouth to feed!
Dudley: mum and dad please don't be dim
For in this house there's none like him
Who can cook as good as Uncle Tim
Uncle Vernon: no denying he's a super cook
Aunt Petunia: a strange but most delightful cook
Dudley: he really is an amazing cook
Vernon, Petunia, Piers and Dudley: THAT KID!
And with that everyone including the fabled 'Uncle Tim' sat down at the kitchen and began to eat.
Uncle Vernon: Boy?
Harry: yes sir?
Uncle Vernon: what, in the name of Aunt Marge's giant pants just happened there?
Harry: I'm not sure sir, It was magic though, wasn't it
Uncle Vernon, sweating heavily and stuttering:
Magic? What, what makes you think that boy?
Harry: well, due to the music coming from nowhere, and the fact we all started to sing and dance without one step out of place or word forgotten, perhaps like a scene directly stolen from a favourite Disney film etc. etc. I worked it out for myself.
Uncle Vernon: strange goings on… it's all your fault boy!
Harry: oh yes that's highly plausible, due to the fact I got this letter this morning telling me I was a wizard and was at any moment, going to be taken away by an enormously large, hairy man to a secret castle somewhere in Scotland.
Uncle Vernon: Scotland? (pause) You'll need a sweater.
Hagrid, our faithful giant friend, bursts through the door, even though he is about two chapters early
Hagrid: hullo, I'm an enormously large 'airy man, come to take yer awa' to Scotland, I will now mistake Dudley for Harry, resulting in hilarious jokes about how Harry's put on weight. Harry; you're fat.
Harry; he's not Harry, I am!
Hagrid: Harry! Well would you look at that! You sound unusually happy for a preteen!
Harry: I know; that's because I've had such a horrid life, I try to make the best out of everything, and it costs nothing to give someone a smile!
Hagrid: well! You're very skinny (pause) bring a sweater.
Harry runs upstairs to grab a sweater, Hagrid then takes him on a… land boat… to Diagon alley to buy him school books and the likes,
Harry: Wow Hagrid, this place sure is unusual, I have sure not ever been somewhere like this before!
Hagrid: Harry, we're not at the end of yer street yet.
Harry: oh… Hagrid, I'm scared, what if the wizarding world doesn't accept me?
Hagrid: you must be joking Harry, you saved our world from the Darkest dark lord since Margret Thatcher! There's no need to worry!
Hagrid jumps up from the boat, an oar in his hands, and starts to twirl it like a baton, a musical faverote, Consider Yourself from Oliver! Starts up
Hagrid: Consider yourself at home
Consider yourself one of the family
We've taken to you so strong
It's clear we're going to get along
Molly and Arthur Weasly walk by, purely because they fit nicely into this scene, and also start to sing
Mr and Mrs Weasly: If it should chance to be we should see some harder days
Empty larder days, why grouse
Always a chance to meet somebody to foot the bill
Bill: wha?
Tom, the barman from the leaky cauldren: Then the drinks are on the house
Random Wizards: (twirling in the air, Handstands, forward rolls e.t.c)
Consider yourself our mate
We don't want to have no fuss
For after some consideration we can state
Consider yourself one of us!
Hagrid plus Weasly midgets: Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself part of the furniture
There isn't a lot to spare
Who cares, whatever we've got we share
Mr and Mrs Weasly:
If it should chance to be we should see some harder days
Empty larder days, why grouse
Always a chance to meet somebody to foot the bill
Bill: who wants to foot me!
Tom: Then the drinks are on the house
the wizarding world in general: Consider yourself our mate
We don't want to have
no fuss
For after some consideration we can state
CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF US!
Harry: well gee, thank you, that makes me feel loads better! Ron? What are you doing here, you're not meant to turn up till I'm on the train
Ron: well, this is based on the movie, and the movie already screws things up, and there's only so many donuts you can eat back stage before you get sick.
Harry: true, true, where's Hermione then?
Ron: having a drinking contest with Bernard… I mean Draco! Draco Malfoy!
Harry: oh right… of course, because that's usual…
Hagrid: Harry, Ron, you're on stage!
Harry: Huh? Oh!
Hi, my name is Harry James Potter, who are you?
Ron: I am Ronald Weasly, your new best friend, are you really Harry Potter?
Harry: Yes! Yes I am!
Ron: Oh, well…. See you on the train then!
Ron runs off with the rest of the Weasly clan
Harry: So Hagrid, where to now?
Hagrid: Let me take you to a little place, to tell you the story of He who smells… uh, You know who…
End scene 1
So people, what did you think? Any good? Should I contine?
Let me know by R/R pleeease?
Oh, and please if you like slash, take a little lookie at my fic Poisoned Letters, its not as bad as the summery makes out!
Love, peace and sour skittles
Elendor
Xxxxxxxx