Realisation

Interesting experience. John sat, crossed leg, hands resting loosely on his lap. You just had to hide your…um…manhood, while sitting on the grass beside a man, force field or not. At Lokas' insistence, they'd taken a moment to talk before John had to pretend to be dead.

Nice plan the older man had; pretend John's dead body was being sent home out of respect. Simple. The only potential problem resided in Jusyta. If the guard wasn't as loyal as Lokas thought, he would alert the High House which would result in John's severance and a punished Lokas.

For now, they were talking. Rather, John was questioning and Lokas answering.

"What about the Celebrant woman…Mira."

"She is not a true Celebrant, simply took the role. It is easier to gain control of a community by instilling faith and directing it. She was on Atle to wait for you. The minute she laid eyes on you, she was to communicate with Oblee. We are left with many questions concerning the veil that held your companions. It had never been done with fully clothed individual, without them entering the Sancta, and we are certain they never set foot here. I do not fully understand how they came to be two of you. Our people have attempted to prove for many years that the body is truly a carrier, it is only the essence which must survive…that research was led by Oblee."

"Yeah, ok, that's all very mysterious, but Mira tried to burn my team and me."

"I am afraid she has come to enjoy power. Her perspectives are not as they should be but I am confident it is an obstacle she can overcome, as can you."

"Her perspectives! She tried to burn my team, alive! I'd say her perspectives are long gone."

"That may be so but it is not for you to judge. It will be dealt with in time."

"Yeah, psyche evaluation time…"

"I do not understand?"

"Doesn't matter. How come she looks like me?"

"We have a process, called reforming, which allows us to change our appearance in order to retain a youthful image. Shallowness is a common incentive to make use of it. It is quite painful…"

"A sick mind in a healthy body, how nice!" John's voice rose in volume and the words carried an unmistakable sarcastic bite.

"You are angry."

"Damn right I'm angry! You people are insane and you've put me through hell! I understand the carrier thing and I was supposed to do this…assemblage…but it's my life." Realisation had sneaked up behind him and tackled him to the ground; he couldn't help but acknowledge it. It was still his life; no one had taken it away.

"The device makes you believe things which are incorrect." Lokas smiled, happy to witness an epiphany.

"What device!"

"The device Oblee used on you and I believe the others who carried Banee's essence…it manipulates the workings of the mind. Oblee made you believe dying was the right thing to do, did she not? It became your only purpose?" He interrupted himself and waited for John to confirm his suspicion. He only spoke once he had received a nod. "Even now, the doubts I believe you hold are not yours. It is the device's doing."

"She…drugged me?"

"I am unfamiliar with that term. However, I do know the device releases a short electrical current and targets the desired area of the mind. Again, it is something I am unfamiliar with, having never made use of it myself. Our society is decaying and you have been the victim of this situation. Youngsters are thirsty for knowledge, for new experiences…"

"What do I do now?"

"The effects are short-term, you must simply wait…"

"How short term! It's been days!"

"I am not certain but, with the veil, they will stop dissipating. Once the veil releases you, nature will run its course."

"I'll feel the effects for at least fifteen days." Great! A basket case for two weeks! That'd surely earn him quite a few visits with Heightmeyer! John wondered if she'd accept the drugged out of his mind excuse and cut him some slack.

"It is quite possible. How are you feeling or most precisely, what are you feeling?"

John thought for a moment. He had doubts about his person, felt worthless, wanted to die or at least thought he deserved to.., most of the time. His life…Banee would never be assembled for John was the last carrier. In a way, his destiny had changed had it not? His team had come and truly altered the course of his life. Still, didn't change the fact that he was a carrier; that was or had been his only purpose. He was certainly confused and thoughts of his team only served to sadden him. Last he'd seen they were quickly heading towards dissolution.

"Bit depressed…" How strange that he would admit that so freely to a man he hardly knew and how ridiculously familiar was this scenario! He'd uttered this very remark less than a year ago.

"You chose to take your friend's place. Why?"

"I couldn't let him die!"

"You said you were already dead…"

"I was." He shivered as he thought of the section of his face he'd seen surrounded by the mush that had been his reasonably attractive self. He might've been dead but he was no slouch in the looks department…and why in the world was he thinking of his appearance at a time like this? He knew; it was easier, meaningless, shallow and that's the way he liked his feelings.

"Do you feel…lessened…by your status of carrier?" Lokas knew the answer but wanted John to say it.

"I…" He had to pause and reflect. Strange, he'd never been one for introspection before, too much to sort out. He didn't have the time, the strength nor the courage to deal with years of issues that had pilled up. "I suppose I do. Not lessened as much as…completely insignificant. My life never meant a thing."

"You are wrong. The carrier is not meant to know what they are. The essence only comes back when the carrier passes. You are whole. You are a man, just like any other man you have ever encountered."

"Yeah, I've met lots of people who had people's soul in them! How do I know all this wasn't a fluke! I'm here because I was supposed to be! I'm so…" He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, looking for the right word, looking for the heart of the problem. "I have no control! My life is completely out of my hands!"

"You control everything, John Sheppard. I believe that is one of your biggest failings though it is not for me to evaluate. You proved your life is yours to shape and mould when you asked me to allow you to give it to save Mister Dex. You lead your destiny, it does not lead you."

Silence enveloped them like a warm blanket. It was comfortable, soothing and allowed their minds to find a semblance of peace.

"I'm not sure I really do…always improvising, risking lives, endangering the very people I swore to protect." He continued the thought only in his head. Always making bad choices.

"You do what you can, of that I am certain. You are not perfect; no one is, no one can be. Live with your flaws, they make you who you are. I understand this must be a difficult time for you, but trust in yourself. The device's effects will soon cease and you will be free to regain your mind."

"It's hard to see past this."

"I know, I was young once, as difficult as it may be to believe…" He smiled slightly. "The ache that tears you from within will come to pass. Being amongst your people will help."

"Yeah." Doubtful. He wouldn't put more strain on his team's fragile nerves. Perhaps Carson had anti-depressants…he'd never been one for medication but he couldn't go on doubting himself!

"Trust in your friends if you cannot trust in yourself." Lokas stood and walked a few paces before turning back. "It's time for you to go back to them. Lay here, as still as you can. I will fetch Jusyta."

"Good luck."

"Thank you.., and might I be so bold as to say, it has been an honour to converse with you." The older man nodded and walked away.

John sighed. He bent his legs and rested his chin on his knees. He held little hopes that this would all be resolved simply, that the doubts were all from the device. He closed his eyes in an effort to shift the direction his moody mind was engaging. He thought of his team again, of the state of their relationship. No longer united. He wondered if this was the end of it all; no more missions, no more banter, no more communal meals. No more friends.

John walked back to the circle of Sancta and settled himself on the ground in the best imitation of Snow White the world had ever seen. So, he wasn't a woman…he had the black hair, the pale skin and had escaped death often enough. Zelenka and that tiny Japanese scientist could be his dwarfs. Right! Snow White and the Geeks! Ah! Good thing he didn't do therapy by cartoons anymore! For so long, he'd watched pointless, silly cartoons, favouring mindless Spiderman marathons whenever his life went to hell; good thing they had none in Atlantis, he'd be glued to the screen 24/7. Curse his mother for getting him hooked. Stifling a chuckle, for he still could find humour despite it all, he closed his eyes and waited to be taken home.

"They lived happily ever after…right?" Only the silence answered; he considered it an omen.

It never occurred to him to wonder why he wasn't running for the gate. It had always been his first instinct, to rely only on himself.