Ruminations of a
traitor
By GreenCat3
No, no, don't worry, I'm not dead. I'll update my other stuff eventually. But here's a ficlet from Alec's POV.
Disclaimer: If GC Ian Fleming, then GC owns Bond. GC ≠ Ian Fleming, therefore GC does not own Bond.
I wish I could say I'm sorry, James, but I can't do that. It wouldn't be true. I'm not sorry for what I did.
Oh, I know, I can see you coloring with anger already, preparing to strike, your pride mortally wounded by my unwillingness to repent. But it's not unwillingness. It's inability.
Look at me. Do you think they'll want me back after what I've done? I have to see this through to the end, James, not because I want to, but because I have to. It's obligation, 007, plain and simple. That day back in Arkangelsk, I knew what I was doing, allowing you to labor under the illusion that I was dead. I will say that I'm sorry for the grief I've caused you, but I couldn't let you know about my betrayal even if I had a gun to your head. In those few seconds, it would tear you up even worse inside than blaming yourself for my death for the rest of your life. Maybe I should have just killed you back in that chemical weapons plant. It would have been the smart, sensible thing to do, after all. But since when have I been smart or sensible?
Betrayal stings, James, I know that well. But one bad turn deserves another, and England's is long overdue. I wish I could break the cycle of hate, but it's too late for me. I'm beyond saving, no matter how much I want to be, no matter how much I want to go back.
I just have one regret; that my decision cost us our friendship. I'd take that part back if I could. Hell, James, do you think I have any friends? No, no friends for mad little Alec, only cronies. I miss those days back in the Service, going to pubs and getting stone-drunk together, hitting on Moneypenny, joking around. Maybe someday, after all this is over, I can go back.
Maybe someday, we can be friends again.