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Chapter 18

Refusal

Lucilla walked away from Caesar as he made his way around the wall. She turned to the tavern and found Arthur and the other knights sitting quietly with a round already distributed. Vanora sat beside Bors; dried tears were lining her cheeks. The children sat at another table next to the knights, their heads lowered in sadness. Lucilla couldn't bring herself to say anything; after all it was her fault Bedwyr and Cai had died. Just being around her their death warrants were signed.

Seeing that Tristan was no where around she turned around to walk away to her room when there came a commotion from the entrance of the gates. Arthur and the knights stood to see what it was, Caesar stood beside Arthur with Lucilla and Vanora near the rear, pushing their way forward.

In the center of the huddled circle was a bloodied Murig. But he did not come alone. He pulled a rickety wooden cart behind him carrying the bodies of both Bedwyr and Cai. The knights gave him looks of utter hate and rage, but Arthur remained calm. Caesar waited to see how his new Commander of Britain would react seeing the traitor.

"I return the bodies of Sir Bedwyr and Sir Cai, both deserve burials fit for knights of their stature." Murig's speech was anything but perfect, but it was obvious he was trying to show respect. No one said a word to the Briton. "I know this does not take away how much you all must hate me, but I bring them to you in good faith."

"And what faith is that?" Arthur wanted to know the political angle before anything else, especially with Caesar standing beside him.

"No one from my clan will do you harm." Arthur nodded and looked behind to his knights, getting a quick glimpse of Lucilla. Their eyes met, "Lucilla," she stepped forward, "is there any reason I should not believe him?"

"You ask me?" She was surprised that after everything that had occurred Arthur would still ask for her thoughts.

"You spent time with him and his people; I want to know if I can trust him."

"Him you can trust, but there was a woman who spoke to me while I was in the camp and she disappeared during the raid, I wonder where her faith lies. But yes, I trust Murig."

"Course you trust him," mumbled Bors. Vanora laid her hand on his arm to calm him down. Lucilla kept her eyes on the ground; she was just as ashamed as Murig.

"Then I trust you, but you are not to leave this fort is that understood. You had our trust at one point and lost it the moment you aided Marcus and your clan, now you must earn it back." Arthur laid the rules down, knowing well that if Murig did not agree to them he would be killed no questions asked.

"I understand, I do only what is right by my heart."

"Take the bodies to the hill." Arthur commanded. Turing to Jols he said, "Have the bodies cleaned up and ready the graves." Jols nodded and helped Murig move the cart through the throng of people.

The crowd dispersed, the knights took their leave. It was tradition to clean up before they went to a funeral. Caesar turned to Arthur, "Well done Arthur. I commend you for not killing the man who killed your knights. You have great restraint."

"I suppose I must in this position."

"Yes you do." Caesar looked to Lucilla and nodded as he walked away.

"A walk?" Arthur asked Lucilla. She was shocked to hear the words come from his mouth. Lucilla could only nod, she was certainly not prepared.

They began to stroll along the top of the fortress. "He's a good man, Caesar."

"Yes," Lucilla smiled thinking of fond memories. "He is a good man."

"Rumor has it," Arthur started looking for the right words; "you and he were betrothed."

Lucilla shot Arthur a glance she was angry. "We were never betrothed, he asked I denied. I needed a man that could help my family. Cassius couldn't."

"But you loved him."

"Why do you need to know?" Lucilla didn't want to get into this type of conversation with him.

"Can't decided if I should tell you where Tristan is or not."

"And if I loved Cassius…?"

"Depends on if you still do."

"Arthur, there was a time in my life when I would give anything to marry Cassius but when the time came I couldn't do it. My father needed me to marry someone who could help him politically; Cassius couldn't do that without looking bias. I did love him, a long time ago but not anymore." Arthur looked her in the eyes.

"He's in the stables." Lucilla smiled thanking him only by the gleam in her deep eyes.

She raced down to the stables; she hadn't gotten to speak in private to Tristan since she was abducted. She yearned for his soft caress on her cheek. Reaching the stables Lucilla just watched Tristan stroke his horse. The horse quickly noticed the newcomer to the barn; Tristan turned but made no eye contact with the Roman.

"You're getting better at that," he said continuing to groom the horse.

"I had a good teacher," Lucilla played. She glided over to the scout and laid her hand on his shoulder, he jumped out of her grip. "What's going on? I thought after a month away you would at least want to talk to me."

"What do you want to talk about?" He quickly turned around to look her in the eyes, his were cold and hard.

Lucilla looked back with a frightened face, "What's going on?" She repeated.

"Nothing," the scout said too quickly.

"No, I know something's wrong when you treat me like a queen, and then you treat me as a hired lover you want nothing more to do with."

"I'm not treating you as a hired lover," Tristan said.

"Then you are treating me as someone you want nothing more to do with and I don't understand why."

"Why?" Tristan chided. "I thought you loved me."

"I do –" Lucilla tried to interject.

Tristan continued. "But I saw you with Caesar. The rumors spread when he arrived that you and him were almost married and it occurred to me." He looked her in the eyes with contempt, "you two never ended whatever was started in Rome, that's why he arrived here. And then the look in your eyes when you saw him in the North, it told me everything."

"Tristan –"

"You still love him. And what we had was nothing more than you being bored and wicked." He intentionally used the same words Lucilla had used before.

His words stung Lucilla like a thousand knives cutting off every vein in her body. She couldn't believe her ears. "Is that what kind of person you think I am? You're right… I am a wicked person…" she looked him in the eyes making sure he was listening. "I was wicked for ever thinking I was good enough for you. You are the all powerful knight who never feels anything and for the first time you felt something and you got scared. You got scared that you fell for a Roman. But I have news for you I am the same as you. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh?" Tristan tried to walk away, but Lucilla pulled him back. "If you poison me, do I not die? And if you hurt me, do I not hurt you?" Lucilla tears were now flowing down her cheeks.

"Go to him, he loves you and you love him." Tristan said now with sadness and hate in his eyes.

"Don't tell me who I'm going to love." Lucilla slapped Tristan across the face and stormed out of the barn.

With tears freely flowing down her face the knights tried to pry her for information as she stomped through the fortress. Slamming her chamber door in the faces of Galahad, Gawain and Lancelot she sat down at her dresser. She saw her face for the first time in a month.

Her hair was pulled back with lazy strands lying in front of her face. Her face was bright red from crying and her eyes were starting to get puffy. She looked down and saw her hairbrush; she started to brush her hair rethinking the argument she just had. It angered her how little Tristan thought he was in her life. If only he'd know how much I thought about him, he's all I thought about, Lucilla thought to herself. She knew she couldn't go back to Cassius, she didn't want to. But she didn't want to stay with Tristan if he was going to act this way. She had no where to go. For the first time in her life she felt utterly lost, as if no matter what path she took she would never be happy.

She walked over to her bed and sat down. She looked at the floor that still had dried blood caked in the cracks. Lucilla realized she had no future no matter where she was or went. Opening the draw to her nightstand she retrieved a dagger she always kept nearby. The gilded blade shone as the moonlight filtered into the room.

"I could make it all go away." She whispered as she unsheathed it. Glaring at the shining blade she held it to her stomach. Ready to take her own life to end her pain she sat in tears.

Sitting in the same position for more than ten minutes she thought of her entire life. Her childhood in Rome, her love of Cassius, her marriage to Marcus, wall life and lastly Tristan. As her thoughts glided over Tristan she dropped the dagger. It fell hard onto the floor as Lucilla slipped off the bed. Sitting next to the dagger on the floor she wept. Why did she have to love so deeply? She asked herself.

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