Little Sister: Konnichiwa! I have finally gotten my lazy butt into gear and updated! Yay! I hope this chapter is up to standards! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of the characters. If I did own them, the show would definitely not be suitable for younger audiences. :drools:

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Hidden Feelings Part 3

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There is nowhere left to run, no place left to hide. Saito said he would find me if I tried, and I fear he is right. And I would probably be caught all too quickly, because how can I resist him? I would go to him of my own accord just to see him again. It would seem that I disagree and fight with him often, but it is all bluster, another mask to keep me safe. I am always afraid that one day he will ask me to do something I should protest, and that I will simply do it to please him.

Maybe that day has come for me. If only I had not gone to see him this morning! Although, even if I hadn't he would have caught me some other way. Perhaps this is my punishment for wanting something that does not belong to me.

My hands tremble as I try to finish the laundry, and I cannot make them stop. I close my eyes briefly. Breathe, I remind myself. It is not yet night. I have some time in which to rebuild my defenses and think of a plausible story for my actions.

But first, I must hide myself again. I find that doing chores around the dojo helps me to meditate. A habit I formed early in childhood, as Shishou often demanded that I meditate so many hours a day, while still saddling me with most of the chores. In his mind, I suppose, why have an apprentice if you did not make use of him?

So I finish my chores more calmly, my hands are still shaking but less pronounced now. I have other chores to accomplish before Kaoru-dono wakes up. I must be the rurouni for her. In order to do that, I must first start at the beginning. I am Kenshin the person, the one who loves swordsmanship, life, and …and Saito. Next is the hitokiri Battousai. Battousai kills for a cause without questioning, and is deadly and merciless in battle. And last, is Kenshin the rurouni, the one who is burdened with guilt and shame and blood that never seems to wash away…

One layer over the other, hiding myself within the protection they give me.

There. Breakfast is ready and so am I. The others must not know of my weakness, my disgrace.

Now that I am calmer, I must find a way to ease Saito's curiosity while still protecting myself. The urge to confess everything to him is strong, but my fear of his disgust holds me back.

Ah. I can hear Kaoru-dono moving around her room. She will go to wake Yahiko soon, and their yelling and fighting will wake Sano up. It is the same nearly every morning, except on the days Sano decides to sleep in his own apartment. I give it ten minutes before they all come in looking for breakfast.

Just as I finish carrying the trays to the eating area, Sano wanders in, looking adorably sleepy. I know that he is taller and physically stronger than me, and that he, too, has been through terrible things, but despite all that, I cannot help but see him as a child. Sano and Kaoru-dono and little Yahiko, they are all innocent to me, and I would do anything to protect them and keep them safe, even from myself.

Sano greets me, yawning noisily, hands going to his rumbling stomach. I smile at him and offer him his breakfast. He takes it with a wide smile and digs in enthusiastically.

I let out a silent sigh of relief. Sano is not staring at me strangely or asking me if I am okay. One down, two more to go…

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I excuse myself after breakfast, thankful that my masks seem to be back in place.

Still, my problem remains the same. What to tell Saito? Lying will not work. I am a terrible liar. Most of the time, I can get by with simply omitting certain facts, letting others draw their own conclusions. That their conclusions are often wrong only benefits me. Could I…was it possible…would I be able to give Saito partial truths and lead him to draw the wrong conclusion? I bite my lip helplessly. There was a reason I was never made into a spy, though certainly no one would have suspected me.

The day is moving by quickly, and I feel myself start to panic again. No…no! I must not let myself fall into despair. I have survived worst than this! And yet, even as I think it, I know in my heart that this is the most frightening thing that has happened to me. There is simply no possible way I can continue to hide this from him anymore.

Everyone around me is going about their usual business, happy and content with their lives, not knowing of my dilemma. I feel a twinge of bitterness at that thought. Ever since I can remember, I have not had that sort of peace with myself. Even now, even here, though I was happy, in the back of my mind I was always restless. Thoughts of my past, my sins, of people whom I had come to cherish and must not let down, no matter what…

I slowly look around the now clean dojo and the newly weeded vegetable garden. I can hear the voices of the children nearby. My children, I think wistfully. Could I leave them all behind and start over somewhere else? If it all goes wrong, perhaps I will have to. If…if he finds out tonight, it will be over. Even after everything that's happened, it is foolish of me to have kept a small spark of hope alive. As long as reality did not happen, I could keep on pretending that I might have had a chance someday. But, even the hope will be gone too, now. I will leave, because there will be nothing left. Perhaps I should follow Shishou's example and just escape to the mountains, away from everyone and everything.

Another thought occurs to me. Would Saito be so disgusted that he would draw his blade on me? If I must die, I would prefer it to be at his hands, by his sword. Maybe then I could finally rest, worship and love him at a distance as it was always meant to be. Always wanting but never having…

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The sun is setting and he will be here soon. I have left a note in my room for them to find, bidding them farewell. This time, I do not intend to be found or followed. There is no Shishio, no grand scheme to overthrow the government; there are only the demons in my own mind that will not leave me alone.

A flicker of his presence alerts me that he has arrived. I slip out of the dojo to find him waiting for me, casually leaning against a tree, one hand resting on the hilt of his sword. He is perfect, and I forget to breathe for a second.

He nods a greeting, then turns and starts walking. I follow behind him; what else can I do? Most likely I go to my death: of my life or my hope, it matters not. But he is near, and it is hard to think when he is so close that I could stretch out my hand and touch him if I was brave enough.

There is no going back now. Despite what happens tonight, I will continue loving him for eternity. One way or another, things will come to an end.

Tonight…tonight is the night in which I face my fate.

There is no going back…

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And that is the end of part three. Part four coming up! Well, I know it's getting weird now. Sorry. But I hope it was pretty much okay. And review! Yes!

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Or you could just read part four which I am posting up at the same time as this…:grin: