Fresh Food
This story is translated by GI. Thank you very much. For those who can read Chinese, I put the Chinese version behind the English version.
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One of the most dramatic things in the world is when all of humanity turned into a bowl of glistening "orange juice", and the only two survivors, namely you and your enemies swam ashore, try to fight it out.
Asuka was lying on the ground staring at the stars, and this time a dark, puffy head drops down, along with his black hair that probably hasn't been washed in months. Compared to his dusty face, his white shirt, even with dirt stuck onto it, looked extraordinarily clean. Asuka wanted to compliment him for being such a hero, because considering all he had done to her, it took a lot of perseverance to be the first one to get out of a big LCL pool where you could have unlimited sexual pleasure without risking your kidneys by wasting your sperm. Asuka was the second to come out, perhaps fitting to her title of "second child". She couldn't stay in the sea of LCL because every soul was open to her, in other words, to invite her in. She had to divide herself into a million little halves to satisfy their love. What a mass-scale dissuasion scene.
Asuka just saw Shinji stretched out his hands toward her, both hands reeked the smell of primal fish. Those hands strangled her neck like a carnivore tackling its prey. Normally, she would have said she liked this kind of "touch" - soft and patient, with a few grains of rough grit from the beach. Only when the pain and choking became progressively more intense, she became unable to ignore the physical discomfort.
It wasn't like he was trying to strangle me, but it wasn't like he was trying to spare me either.
There were scribbles of her reflection in his cobalt eyes, scrawled to a point of it is unrecognizable. He pursed his lips like a woman suffering from aggression and flapped his nose like a man with guts.
What did I do to deserve this?
Asuka thought to herself. Didn't they treat him worse than I did? "Wondergirl" treated him like a meal, Misato treated him like a tool, I treated him like a person. My anger could have gone elsewhere, he's the one who told me to treat him like a person, he's the one who said he'd help me, so why did it end up being that I had to save him?
Shinji pressed on the sides of her cartilage, her windpipe was being flattened under his pressure. There were about a dozen seconds left to make a choice, and then Asuka would close her eyes, pretend she was asleep, pretend this was all an illusion he had created, and then she could escape. This would repeat over and over, like reincarnation, over and over again. Last time it was the kitchen and dinning room, this time it was on the beach, maybe next time it's on the roof of the high school building, or inside of his room. Asuka had a hunch that if it was Shinji who let go, he would be disappointed and leave, forever. In terms of the "hedgehog's dilemma", this was not a bad solution. If she went to touch his "spines", she would get hurt and her fingers would bleed.
She caressed his cheek.
In hindsight she could argue that his pinching was out of a sense of self-preservation, and so was her caressing. She hadn't considered what would have happened if it had been the other way around. After all, "you only hurt the ones you love?" It works both ways.
Instead of her fingers bleeding, it was he who shed tears. The AT field that maintained his human form cracked wide open and whatever he held inside oozed out, including his ejaculated semen, his harsh apology, his deadly bewilderment, and the one that gradually killed her like a poison, that very kiss.
"Disgusting..."
Perhaps they should be left decaying in silence on that beach. Maybe in a billion years, when new humans crawl out of sea of LCL, they would be hardened fossils. However, at the moment, they were like a pair of two hot, soft, fresh cupcakes baked by God.
They walked into the empty city. There were debris everywhere, but no ghosts floating around, and no aliens coming to snatch them away. Asuka's feet seemed to be stepping on air, but she was reluctant to borrow Shinji's shoulder. Imagine a post-rebirth world where the first woman leaned on the first man's body, forming solid gender patterns once again, and she was unwilling adding yet another footnote to that pattern. Shinji walked ahead without saying anything. His eyes had dried up, one could not tell he had just cried. Shinji looked around with a melancholy and stubborn look on his face. In order to survive, Asuka and Shinji signed a truce without a word.
He must really want to get rid of me, Asuka thought. His gait is so impatient. I bet he's thinking where to get rid me the best, like tossing away a used lunch box.
People always used to clinging to others when they are weak. As for her, it would be wrong to apply the same.
Asuka. He turned around. She stared into his eyes warily, trying to get more clues. But he just pointed to the upper left and said, "Look, our home."
Half of the building has collapsed.
Our home.
Asuka shrugged her shoulders.
We had to find a suitable place to stay.
"You came back before I did, didn't you even find a place to stay?"
"I've been sleeping on the beach." Shinji says. "I built crosses for Misato, Rei, Kaji, some other friends, and you out of wood from the neighborhood."
She remembered the he had Misato's pendant hanging on her cross, which was the tallest, but also the roughest. It had more spots and speckles than the others. Apparently he'd picked the ugliest wood for Misato's cross on purpose, which was why Asuka kicked on it.
Asuka said she could sleep on the street. "If I sleep in a building, I'll worry about it might collapse, so it's better to sleep in the open."
Shinji thought for a moment. "Then wait for me here while I go to a nearby department store to see if I can find sleeping bags or something."
Asuka wanted to say she'd like to go with him, but then she wanted to test whether Shinji would leave her. "All right, you go. I'll be right over there." She pointed to an air cushion in the corner.
He nodded, then his pace lightened, as if unburdening her made him finally free to run. His shadow vanished at the end of the street, leaving only the dim starlight and moonlight to keep her company. She sat on the air cushion, observing her right arm, and looks like Rei bandaged her for free.
Thank you. Asuka said, mentally.
Then, she ripped the bandage off.
And a curse escaped her lips.
Asuka wasn't ready to face it. No. She decided to temporarily forget what she had just seen, at least not for Shinji to notice if he returned. Although his tears came at her caress, who knew what was behind his reaction? His guilt? Even just a tiny bit of guilt, might end there.
Now it was she who needed him. His hand was on her neck, chaining her to an invisible chain. Between them there was only one relationship, which was the one of who was in control of whom. She was in control of his psyche before, so he was completely at a disadvantage. Now, as she showed her relative weakness, he took control of her.
During the long wait, she combed through her knotted hair, they were like an unresolved mess that sometimes Asuka would just pull out. The pain was short. After re-pinning the A-10 nerve connectors, she sank into an uneasy daze.
She curled herself up against the wall behind her, even though it wasn't nearly as firm and warm as Shinji's back. After having escaped the sea of LCL, she wondered how her mind had managed to stay sane. In the city ruins somewhere, long after N2 bomb blast, faint echo of a song by MUSE called "Space Dementia" still playing on a constant loop. She hated Brit love songs, but is not averse to this one.
/It gives me all I need. and helps me coexist with the chill./
Shinji came back, holding a large roll of cloth bags in his left hand and carrying a large bag in his right. Even so, he was still light on his feet. "I not only brought you the sleeping bags, but also food I think you need."
Hearing the word " you need" made her shiver like being electrocuted. Shinji gave her a puzzled and worried look. "I didn't bring any cold medicine."
"I don't need it." She said, remaining indifferent.
Shinji laid out his sleeping bag. He took a pair of orange sweatshirts and black jeans out of the bag. "These are for you."
"Thanks." She grabbed the clothes and walked behind an large advertisement sign. She let out an uncontrollable gasp as she took off her plug suit.
"What's wrong?" Shinji asked from behind.
The lines of her scars climbed her limbs and her chest as far as her eye could see. Scarring lines should have been pink, but they looked gray in the dim starlight, making her body looks like it been stitched-together with body parts.
Thank you, Wondergirl. I didn't know you had such a gift for me.
She growled, "It's okay, I just saw rat turds."
"Rat turds?"
"It's the shit of a fucking rat that infects people, the black plague, ever heard of it?"
Afraid that he would peek just like what he did when they first met, she changed her clothes as quickly as she could. When she came out, Shinji was eating a bar of chocolate, and he left a bottle of mineral water next to her sleeping bag. "Where are your plug suit?" He asked.
"It's dead." Asuka replied, "The pilot of Evangelion unit two is dead."
"Oh."
She slipped into her sleeping bag. "Where's the pilot of Evangelion unit one?"
"He should have died with her."
"Then who are we?"
"We are..." he sounded like he was solving a mathematical paradox, "we are ... I'm Shinji Ikari, I don't know who else to be. Are you Asuka?"
"Asuka? No, she's a stupid girl. Don't call me Asuka, you idiot. Shinji Ikari is just a name too. We're not made of such things."
"What should I call you?"
"You shouldn't have called me at all." She said, "You shouldn't have called out to me. I should sleep in there forever and ever until the end of time."
He tossed the wrap paper of chocolate bar to the back of his head, and slumped into his sleeping bag. His eyelids fluttered like nighttime strobe lights. "For that, I'm sorry."
"Save it." In the vastness of the universe, only his scream pierced her eardrums. Her face twisted up, and if she had the strength, she'd love to beat him into a pulp along with his sleeping bag. That was nothing. "I don't want to get back together with a man who tried to choke me to death, so save your dating skills."
"I just ..." his cheeks puffed out, wanting to land a barrage of words to knock her to the ground, and finally he just sighed soberly and gave up on another murder, "I don't know what I'm doing. I probably really, really hate you."
"Fair enough, because I hate you too."
"Will I see you in the morning?"
She glared at Shinji. "If you're thinking I'll secretly poke you in the eye ..."
"That's not what I meant." He said quietly, softly, like the bright light of a candle about to go out on a windless night.
"I know you didn't mean it!" She let her head fall heavily onto the pillows. Even though she knew Shinji would stare at her back for a long time, she closed her eyes with a vengeance.
The exhaustion blew her away like a gale.
She dreamed that she was locked in her hospital room by Shinji. She had a chance to escape. He ripped her clothes off, she should have jumped up and punched him in the face. No, she just wanted her clothes to be ripped off by him. She wanted to gourmand his eyes by allowing his sight lingering on her naked body.
Look at me.
His breathing was racing, like pounds of gasoline had been poured into him, someone had lit a fire inside him, his whole body was smoking.
Look at me.
His fingertips was trying to touch her smooth chest and were jerked back by mysterious forces. He was so scared that he pulled down his pants. His hands was shivering and kept rubbing his penis, as if its stiffening was due to the temperature of the room was set too low on the air conditioning unit, not his sex hormones.
"Asuka." He called out to her softly.
Look at me.
" I didn't mean to."
Look at me.
"Forgive me."
Look at me.
" I'm so fucked up."
So, that's why he wasn't there. He felt inferior to her. He wasn't there when the 15th angel, Arael raped her mind; he wasn't there when she soaked in her own blood in that rusty bathtub and left to rot; he wasn't there when the flock of lipstick-wearing white vultures took out her intestines. The only thing he did was try to keep his place in her heart, while she tried to kick him out. She knew he wouldn't accept the outcome of being rejected by her, hence why he choked her. He was as rare in the world when it comes to being a scoundrel as he was when it comes to piloting an EVA.
He refused to take responsibility, but he wanted her to reward him, and if this reward was not bestowed to him, he would lets all of humanity to take indefinite debt for her account.
She's a bitch because she thinks such a guy is slightly better than all other hypocritical human.
/You made me sick, because I adore you so./
The next day, while searching the main road, they found an RV, the clothes of the owner of the RV were lying in repose on the ground nearby. They fished the keys and a notebook with travel plans out of their pockets, and in the notebook was a picture of a young man on the beach with his ex-girlfriend, don't ask Asuka why she knew. Collar of their cloth was aimed at the center of where the Third Impact took place, apparently forgetting the animal's survival instinct when they saw some dramatic event before dying. Shinji pursed his lips. He seemed to wonder if everyone had heard his scream through the heavens, and assumed it was the distinctive trumpet of angels' horn. What's for sure is that even Asuka's crippled one ear floating in mid-air heard it.
In the RV Shinji found an induction cooker, and some ingredients that seemed to heat up a fondue pot. They started the RV and saw the date on the dashboard read "December 13, 2016", which suggests it's been a month if Third Impact hadn't interfered with the electronics. Shinji said he came back three days before Asuka appeared. He spent those three days by the beach, just sitting there or lying down, waiting for the one to come back.
"I'm sorry it is me by the end of your wait." Asuka said faintly.
"It's better than no one." He said.
It's better than no one. That was the attitude he always had.
He found the refrigerator, but of course, the power was out and the ingredients inside were inedible. They had to go to a nearby store to find canned goods and retrieved some canned fish and crab, a bag of millet and soba noodles. Shinji found a few more packets of seasonings, soy sauce and balsamic vinegar, and pour them in the induction cooker and stir them together. They also gathered up some of the preserved fruits, like dried apples.
On the way back, they saw a fox crossing the road with a rotting fish in its mouth.
"It probably ran out of the zoo." Shinji commented.
"Great, I didn't know there was a zoo in Tokyo-III." Probably experimental animals. After all, that group of mad scientists."I wouldn't be surprised to see wolves and bears next time."
Shinji's eyes widened. "You're right, we need to have some guns for self-protection."
On the third day they drove to the NERV headquarters and retrieved a few pistols and a few submachine guns. Revisit the headquarters seemed a lengthy ghost story, and Asuka did not want recount it one by one. What worth mentioning was that she saw a large swath of bakelite gathered around the EVA-01's cage. The overpass had been damaged. Shinji told her that he was sitting right there.
"Oh, how brave. Could you hear the tussle outside from here?"
"I heard it. Miss Ibuki said you were defeated and asked me to go save you."
Asuka gripped the railing. A ghostly tearing sensation came from her belly and right arm, and she lowered her head to fight the urge to vomit. Shinji came over to help her, and after striking away his gentle hand, she realized that her body felt like it was going to fall forward.
"Since you couldn't save me then, forget it."
"But ..."
"This is none of your business."
"If I knew you were going to be... I should at least ..."
"Do you want to carry more blame?" She snapped, "Haven't I cursed you enough around the dinner table?!"
He stopped making a sound. More guilt piled up in his eyes, burying his light of anger she'd last seen on the shore of Sea of LCL.
There were still a lot of dead people in NERV, as evidenced by the clothes that fell to the ground and the blood that splattered everywhere, as well as the black ashes from flames that burned all over the places. While Asuka didn't have time to feel sorry for them, she also thought that some people didn't deserve to die worse than she did.
The entire NERV was cursed, not just her and Shinji.
It was late when they returned to the RV with all the guns on their backs. They drove the car to the edge of the open park. Shinji starts cooking noodles and Asuka takes Shinji's SDAT and listens to a song. This SDAT "appeared" in Shinji's pocket when he returned. Sweet Lilith, just as she had left Asuka with enough scars for low self-esteem, it had also left Shinji with a prop for self-loathing.
Shinji's tapes certainly only have a few English songs on them, more positive-tuned Japanese songs with vocalist's voice resemble that of Misato's, and some old-school symphonies.
She turned SDAT off, and song of Muse still echoes in her head.
/Space dementia in your eyes./
"The noodles are ready." Shinji said.
"I don't want to eat."
"You said the same thing yesterday. You are not an iron man you know..."
"I've eaten."
"Three chocolates and a few packets of chips won't fill you up. Come on, I've cooked for two."
"If I say I don't want to eat, I don't want to eat."
Shinji put two bowls of noodles on the folding table. One bowl was placed across the table and he ate the other bowl. Asuka skimmed her eyes and gazed out the window. There was a statue in the center of the pool, empty above the neck since its head dropped in its hand. Next to it was an empty swing, like the one in Shinji's vision. The scent of noodles. The sound of him slurping noodle soup. The changing of the seasons, the ground littered with scaly leaves.
She and Hikari came over to this place once before, and they talked about who Hikari had a crush on.
Hikari said she thinks Asuka likes Shinji.
"You talk to him the most. It's true."
"Bullshit!"
"You and him go to and from school together every day, you live under the same roof, you two had your own private whispers. You will have a secret love affair. It's true."
"Bullshit!"
"Late at night, you can even hear each other's breathing."
"That's him being nasty."
"You admit to that?"
"I didn't admit to anything, it's all hogwash on your part."
"Well, you at least enjoy his bento every day."
"So what?"
"Very few girls get to eat a bento prepared by a guy every day, unless they're a couple."
"It just so happens that he can cook."
"Even if he cooks, you won't eat it if it's bad."
"If you enjoy Shinji's cooking, you admit that he still has merits. You admit that he has merit, you can not complain that he is useless."
Day Four. She didn't eat his cooking.
Day Five. She still didn't eat.
Day Six. She still doesn't eat.
Day Seven.
Shinji's hand trembled as he held the bowl. "You have to eat..."
"On what grounds?" Asuka brushed her head up from her sleeping bunk. "Is your food more noble or are you trying to earn my forgiveness by doing this?"
"I am not."
"I don't want to owe you a debt of gratitude!"
"You're having a tantrum!"
"Screw your tantrums!" She jumped up and slammed the SDAT to the side. "Who do you are? Stupid Shinji? Do you think you can order me around just because you've got me by my throat? If I ordered you to get the hell out of here, would you do it?!"
He glared at her. "I would, if you wanted to. I'll get the hell out of here, if that's what you want. You don't even need me anyway, do you? You can live well on your own."
He slammed the door and strutted away.
Her nose was still breathing hot air, her arms and legs were numb. The scars all over her body felt like they were on fire, but the her head felt like it was frozen. She didn't think he really would.
/I know you want me to feel your pain./
Shinji still couldn't figure her out. He thought that after seeing all her weaknesses, her needs in the Sea of LCL. He should understood how to approach her. He knew she craved attention, against all odds, which is why he would (temporarily) leave her. She would know she was wrong. She would know that he was the most sincere one. She would know he wanted to help her to a point where he would die if she didn't.
She would know.
He had always tried to let her know. But never could.
Until he discovered violence.
The chokehold was an eureka moment, a whisper from hell. He did not see her as an enemy, like an Angel, but simply as an object to be [persuaded]. She might be the last and only person in the world who could possibly be persuaded. Violence was his resort.
Save me.
Save yourself.
She was light as the weight of sin, and he could lift her up all at once. He admitted then that she was all he had left. Without her, he could not live. In the ocean of human consciousness, he set off like a ship cut off from its anchor, and she was an island he could never find. Among the all mesmerizing islands, she exists like a rumor about love. He looked everywhere for the source of the rumor, but never could he find it.
He came back to wait for her.
He came back because she said she didn't want to be in the "pool", she didn't want the joy of degradation. She stroked his face and he read her gesture as willingness to suffer together.
And what was her attitude now? Did she despise him for cooking for her? In the past, she seemed to despise that too, but she never refused to enjoy his cooking.
It was getting darker and darker, and he turned on the mini flashlight in his pocket, but it only could illuminated a small area. Fear has always been a friend of man. He had experienced too much fear, the fear of claustrophobia, the fear of heat, the fear of having his body torn apart, the fear of losing a friend, the fear of being lied to. He didn't feel any fear of the darkness, he only felt that the single column of light from a flashlight at this moment was greater than all the darkness in the world put together.
She found him on the beach. The sea of LCL flowed with human faces. He was comfortable sitting close to the shoreline, staring at the LCL with a thoughtful look on his face, as if considering whether to jump back in. The psychedelic glow in his eyes reflected by the red sea only disappeared when he saw her.
"Stupid Shinji."
"Did you eat the noodles?"
She hesitated.
He looked at her, with wounded expression in his eye.
"I followed you."
Of course she didn't dare say she'd hesitated for half an hour before deciding to show herself.
He shrugged. "Go back," he said, "the noodles are getting cold, and I haven't finished eating. You came to see me, and you should have been ready to eat."
"I don't want to eat. But I want you to go back."
He raised one eyebrow. She wondered when he'd learned that gesture, and it made him look even more presumptuous. "What if I say no?" He asked. "What are you going to do?"
Asuka bit her lip. If you enjoyed his cooking, one day you would understand the sentiment. Hikari's words echoed in her mind.
If you understand, are you willing to tell him? Would you be willing? Would you be willing?
I will never say yes. You idiot, I am Asuka Soryu Langley, and I will never do to yield before anyone else.
Then Shinji grabbed her arm and yanked it down.
She fell down. The moment she fell she felt relief, maybe she didn't hate the feeling of being dragged down, but she hated being crushed by herself.
They returned to where they were before, in their original positions. He was on top, she was on the bottom. Shinji stretched out his hands toward her again, both hands reeked the smell of primal fish. His hands rested on her shoulders, soft and patient, with a few grains of rough grit from the beach.
She liked the feel of those hands.
"Iss mich." he said.
Asuka blinked.
/I love all the tricks, and twisted game you play on me./
He tilted his head. "Eat me." He said in Japanese, "I thought that's German meant."
"True, but do you know what you're talking about?"
He straightened up, unbuckled his belt, and pulled the front of his pants open. "I said this." Asuka stared back and forth between his talking lips and his penis, trying to figure out which side was more ridiculous.
"Verrückt!" She braced herself above her thoracic spine and tried to push him away.
"Eat me." He repeated extremely calmly, "Or eat the noodles." His hips leaned forward and toppled into her face. She stared at him in disgust. He was so evil, she had never seen a man try to kill her first and rape her later.
As punishment for the evil, she bit down on his "rod". Ruthlessly.
He let out a grunt that satisfied her. How pathetic, you don't know the consequences of offending me.
As she defined it as punishment, she began to straddle over her screaming boiling ego and focused on eating him. She easily treated it as a Frankfurter sausage and chews it in the manner of a carnivore. She lifted her gaze and Shinji's face turned red. He tried to grab her hair, but she slapped it away. All he could do was bend down and rest on her shoulder like someone who had done something wrong. This greatly satisfied her.
His cock puffed up like air balloon and hovered upward. The thought that tomorrow morning he would be up with a groan, unable to get out of the house for the rest of the day, knees between his asses praying to the gods to reboot the world, made this hell seem a lot brighter to Asuka.
"Thanks for the hospitality." She swallowed his essence, spitting the dregs onto the beach. He let go of her, and Asuka almost laughed when she saw how quickly his penis retracted.
"You're welcome." His face was pale and dripping with sweat as he squeezed out a pained smile. Gott, he was even cuter than he had ever been, it is overwhelming .
He grabbed a handful of sand, rubbed his hands together a few times, slapped it on his pants, and extended his "clean" hand towards her. It collided with Asuka fist. He tilted his head, reached out for her again, and was knocked away again. The third time, he quickly caught her fist with his hand like a cloth catching a stone. A jolt of electricity traveled through Asuka's nerves, causing her fingers to slowly reopen like a cowering octopus' tentacles, and tentacles' sucker reluctantly compelled and interlaced with Shinji's hand.
She sensed that this was what irresistible to her, something Hikari had hinted at her.
Like a fish dangling from the the other's fishing hook, dying, struggling, desperation spreads everywhere, but it is fresh.
/And peace will arise and tear us apart, and make us meaningless again./
"Shinji, I'm hungry."
Postscript.
It's a simple short story where Asuka doesn't want to eat and Shinji feeds her his "rod".
Since I've rambled on too much and you can see too much of the plot of the article, it's basically nothing new, just a mix of my own style of writing a quick story = I really enjoyed describing the sexual tension of Asuka, and I also liked Shinji who was forced by Asuka to fight back. Yes, I'm a member of the "Shinji might be a leftist of the 'Sadism & Masochism scale' Society". I think of Shinji as a potential sadist, and Shinji's gentleness predisposes him not to let things get out of hand.
I've been reading Chuck Palahniuk's novels lately, so this time my writing style is slightly darker (evil?) than my previous works a little bit. Chuck's novel "Fight Club" has a famous quote "You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways." I think it's a good description of love between Asuka and Shinji.
Traces of appetite tied to sexuality are fully portrayed in my other piece, White Oleander.
Don't ask me why I choose the song "Space Dementia". I just listening to it while I write this story!
世界上最戏剧的事情之一，莫过于全人类都变成一碗闪闪发亮的红色姜汁，而唯二的幸存者，你和你的仇敌在岸上试图拼个你死我活。明日香躺在地上望着星星，这个时候一个黑压压的脑袋垂落下来，还有他可能几个月没有洗的黑发。跟他像乌云一样的脸相比，那条即使粘着污垢的白衬衫就显得格外洁白了。明日香本想夸奖他真是个英雄，因为考虑到他对她做的种种，第一个从可以无限做爱也不会肾虚精亏的大泳池里走出来可需要不小的毅力。明日香是第二个出来的，也许正符合她"第二个孩子"的头衔。她待不下去是因为每个灵魂都向她敞开，换句话说，要让她进去。她得把自己分成无数小半才能满足他们的爱。大型劝退现场。
只见真嗣伸出了他的手。他们两个散发着原始的鱼腥味。那双手以一种擒拿动物的方式扼住了她的脖子。若在平时，她会说她喜欢这个触感，柔软而耐心，还带着地上几粒粗糙的砂砾。只不过当疼痛和窒息感变得逐渐剧烈，她变得无法无视生理上的不适。他不像是要掐死自己，但也不像是要放过自己。他灰蓝的眼睛中有她倒影的涂鸦，涂得很潦草，以示不确定。他像个遭受委屈的女人一样抿着嘴巴，又像一个有胆魄的男人一样扇动鼻翼。
我怎么待他了？她心想。 他们对他的态度不比我对他更烂吗？优等生把他当代餐，美里把他当工具，我把他当个人。我的怒气大可以往别处去，是他让我把他当个人，是他说要帮我，为什么最后变成要我救他？
真嗣按住软骨的两侧，她的气管被他按扁。还有大概几十秒钟可以做出选择，然后明日香就会闭上眼睛，假装睡着了，假装这全都是他造出来的幻境， 然后我可以逃脱了。一遍遍地重复，一遍遍地轮回。上一次是客厅，这次是海滩，也许下次是在屋顶，或是他的房间。明日香有一种预感，如果松手的是真嗣，他将会失望，离开，永远地。从豪猪理论来说，这不失为一种解决办法。如果她去触摸他的刺，她就会受伤，手指会流血。
她触摸了。
事后她可以辩论说，他的掐是出于一种自保，她也一样。她没考虑过如果是反过来的情况。毕竟，"我们都会被我们所爱的人杀死。"这话反说也对。
她的手指没有流血，反而是他流了眼泪。维持他人形的AT立场大大裂开，什么乌烟瘴气的东西都流出来了，包括那射出来的精液，那一句句刺耳的道歉，那致命的茫然无措，以及像毒药一样逐渐杀死她的，那一吻。
"真恶心。"
他们静静地在那沙滩上腐朽了。也许亿万年后，当新人类爬出来时，他们会变成硬邦邦的化石。但在当时，他们是两团热乎乎，软绵绵，被上帝蒸出来的新鲜食物。
他们走进空城，到处都是残垣断壁，却没有幽灵在四处飘荡，也没有跳出外星人把他们抓走。明日香的脚仿佛在踏空气，但她不愿意借用真嗣的身体当拐杖。试想重生后的世界，第一个女人靠在第一个男人身体上，再次形成坚固的性别模式，她不愿给这种模式增添注脚。真嗣在前面走，没有说多余的废话，他的眼泪已经干了，看不出刚才哭过，环顾四周时一脸忧郁而倔强的神情。为了生存，他们无言地签订了休战协议。
他一定很想甩了我。明日香想。他的步子非常不耐烦，我敢说他在考虑在什么合适的地点把我丢掉，像丢一份已经用旧的午餐盒。至于她，人总算是在虚弱的时候习惯于依附别人——要是以为她这么想就错了。
明日香。他转过来。她警觉地盯着他的眼睛，试图获取更多线索。但他只是指着左上方说，看，这是我们的家。
我们的家。她耸肩。
但我们得找一个适合的地方落脚。
"你比我先回来，都不知道吗？"
我一直睡在沙滩上。他说。我用附近的木头给美里，丽，加持，另外一些朋友，还有你造了墓碑。
她记得美里的十字架上挂着她的吊坠，她的十字架比它们都高大，但也最粗糙。上面的斑痕比另外都要多。显然他特地挑了最丑的木材给她，这也是为什么她会踹上一脚。
明日香说可以睡在大街上。
"如果我睡在屋子里，我会担心它塌下来，那倒不如睡在空旷的地方。"
他思考了一会儿。
那你在这里等我，我去附近的百货商店看看有没有睡袋之类的。
她想说她也去，但她又想测试他是否会抛下自己。"好吧，你去。我就在那儿。"她指着一张墙角的气垫。
他颔首，然后他的步伐轻快起来，像是解开了她的负重，他终于可以自由奔跑了。他的身影隐匿在街道尽头，只剩下昏暗的星光和月色与她相伴。她坐在气垫上，观察自己的右手臂，丽免费给她缠绕了绷带。
她心里道了声谢谢。
她撕开绷带。
她嘴里骂了句脏话。
明日香没有准备好面对它，没有。她决定暂时性遗忘刚才看见的景象，至少真嗣来了之后不能让他有所察觉。虽然他的泪水是冲着她的触摸来的，但是谁又知道后面的事？他对她如果一丁点的愧疚，也许到此为止了。
现在是她需要他。他的手放在她脖颈上，给她拴了一条无形的链子。他们之间只存在一种关系，那就是谁掌控了谁的关系。之前，她掌控了他的心理，所以他完全处在下风。现在，由于她表现了自己相对柔弱的一面，他掌控了她。
在漫长的等待中，她梳理了自己打结的头发，它们像一团一团解决不完的混乱，有时明日香会直接拔掉，疼痛是短的。重新别好发夹后，她不安地发起了呆。
她蜷缩自己，靠在背后的墙上，尽管这面墙还不如真嗣的后背牢靠，而且冷冰冰的。在经历LCL的席卷后，她很好奇自己的脑子是如何保持理智的。在N2炸弹的废墟中，有一首MUSE的"太空痴呆症"不断循环播放。她讨厌英国佬的小情歌，但唯独不排斥这首曲子。
/It gives me all I need. And helps me coexist with the chill./
真嗣回来了，左手抱着一大卷布袋，右手提着一个大袋子。即便如此，他仍然脚步轻快。"我不仅拿了睡袋，还拿了食物，我想你需要。"
听到"你需要"三个字就令她触电一般颤栗。真嗣疑惑而担忧地看了她一眼。"我没拿感冒药。"
"不需要。"她保持淡漠地说。
真嗣铺好睡袋。他从袋子里取出一条橘色卫衣和黑色牛仔裤。"这是给你的。"
"谢谢。"她抓过他给的衣服，走到一块广告立牌后面。她脱下二号机驾驶服的时候，不可遏制地发出一声惊喘。
"怎么了？"真嗣在后面问。
那一道道的瘢痕，攀附在她目光所及的四肢和前胸，应该是粉色，但在昏暗的光线下显得灰白，让她的身体看上去像是被缝合的尸块组成的。 谢谢你，优等生。我不知道你给我准备了这样的礼物。
她咆哮道："没事，我只是看见了老鼠屎。"
"老鼠屎？"
"就是他妈的会传染黑死病的老鼠拉的大便。"
她怕他像刚见面时那样偷窥，便以最快速度换上了衣服。出来时，真嗣正在吃一块巧克力，她的睡袋旁边放着矿泉水。"驾驶服呢？"他问。
"它死了。"惣流说，"二号机驾驶员死了。"
"噢。"
她坐进睡袋里。"初号机驾驶员呢？"
"他应该和她一起死了。"
"那我们又是谁啊？"
"我们是，"他的语气像是在解开一道数学悖论，"我们是……我是碇真嗣，我不知道还能怎样。你是明日香吗？"
"明日香？不，她是个愚蠢的姑娘。别叫我明日香，你这个白痴。碇真嗣也只是个记号。我们不是由这种东西组成的。"
"我该叫你什么呢？"
"你从一开始不该叫我。"她说，"你不应该呼唤我。我会在那里头睡觉，直到永远永远。"
他把巧克力包装袋扔到脑后，卧进自己的睡袋。他的眼皮跳得像夜间的闪光灯。"那个，我很抱歉。"
"省省吧。"浩瀚的宇宙之中，他的尖叫声刺穿了她的耳膜。她的面容扭曲起来，如果她有力气，她很想把他连着睡袋一起拧成麻花。这算什么。"我不想和一个试图掐死我的男人重归于好，所以省省你的交往技巧。"
"我只是……"他的腮帮子鼓着，想要说一棒子的话把她打倒在地，最后他只是沉沉地叹息了，放弃了另一次谋杀，"我不知道我在做什么。我大概真的非常恨你。"
"很公平，因为我也恨你。"
"明天早上我还能看见你吗？"
她瞪着真嗣。"如果你在想我会偷偷地戳瞎你的眼睛……"
"我不是这个意思。"他安静地说，轻得像是在无风夜里行将熄灭的蜡烛的亮光。
"我知道你不是！"她任凭自己重重地栽倒在枕头上。即使知道真嗣会盯着她的后背张望许久，她也狠心地闭上眼。
而后，疲惫感像狂风一样把她吹走了。
她梦见自己被真嗣反锁在病房里。她原本有机会逃走的。他撕开她的衣服，她应该跳起来揍他的，不，她只是想被他撕开衣服。她只是想让他饕餮的眼神在自己身上流连。 看着我。他的呼吸在加速，被灌了一磅的汽油，有人在他体内纵了一把火，他全身都在冒烟。 看着我。他的指尖试图触碰她光滑的胸口，被神秘的力量抽打回去。他很害怕，于是脱下裤子。他的手哆哆嗦嗦地在自己的肉棒上磨蹭，好像它的僵硬是因为房间里冷气温度打太低了，而不是性激素。
他说：明日香。
看着我。
" 我不是故意的。"
看着我。
"原谅 我。"
看着我 。
"我真差劲 。"
所以，那就是他不在的原因。他觉得自己比她要下贱。鸟天使强奸她的脑子时，他不在；她泡在血池里腐烂的时候，他不在；那群涂着口红的白色秃鹫们叼出她的肠子时，他不在。他唯一的作为就是试图留住他在她心里的地位，她试图把他赶出去。她知道他不肯接受这个结果，所以才掐她。他在耍无赖方面和他的驾驶技术一样是举世罕见的。
他不肯担负责任，却要她支付报酬，这个报酬不给，他就让全人类替她无限期赊账。
她贱就贱在，觉得这样的家伙要比另外虚伪的人类稍微好那么一点。
/You made me sick, because I adore you so./
第2天， 他们在大路搜寻的时候找到一辆房车，刚好房车主人的衣物就躺在地上安息。他们从口袋里摸出了钥匙和一张记着旅游规划的笔记本，笔记本里还夹着一张年轻时和前女友在海边的照片，别问明日香为什么知道。它的领口对准三冲发生的中心地带，显然是临死前看到了什么精彩的演出而忘记动物的生存本能。真嗣抿着嘴，似乎在想是不是所有人都听见了他贯穿天穹的尖叫，并以为是天使独特的吹号声。那是一定的，即使是明日香残缺的漂浮在半空中的一只耳朵，也听见了。
在房车里真嗣找到了电磁炉，和一些食材，似乎可以热火锅。他们发动汽车，看到仪表盘上日期显示2016年12月13日，如果三冲没有干扰电子仪器的话，应该是过了一个月左右。真嗣说他是明日香出现的三天前回来的。他每天在海滩边，蹲着，坐着躺着，只为了等一个人回来。
"很遗憾你等到的是我。"明日香淡淡地说。
"总比没有人好。"他说。
总比没有好。这就是他向来的态度。
他找到了冰箱，当然，冰箱停了电，里面的食材也不能食用。他们只能去附近的商店里找罐头，取回了一些鱼罐头和蟹罐头，一袋小米和荞麦面。真嗣再找了几包调料、酱油、香醋，设法倒在电磁炉里一起搅拌它们。他们还把一些保存比较久的水果收集起来，比如苹果。
回来的路上，他们看见一只狐狸从马路上穿过，嘴里叼着一条腐烂的鱼。
可能是动物园跑出来的。真嗣评论道。
好极了，我都不知道第三东京市有动物园。
可能是实验动物。毕竟那群疯狂科学家。
下次我会见到狼和熊也不奇怪了。
真嗣的眼神怪异起来。你说的对，我们得备一些枪用来自保。
第三天他们开车去了Nerv本部，取回了几把手枪和几支冲锋枪。重新进入本部是一个很长的鬼故事，明日香不想逐一赘述。值得说的地方就是她看见大片大片的人工树脂聚集在初号机的放置室周围。立交桥已经损毁了。真嗣说我当时就在这里坐着。
"哦，真勇敢。你在这里能听见外面的厮杀吗？"
"听得见。摩耶小姐说你被打败了，让我去救你。"
明日香抓紧了栏杆。肚腹和右臂传来一阵鬼魅的撕裂感，她低下头强忍呕吐的欲望。真嗣走过来扶住她，击开他温柔的手后，她才意识到自己的身子像是要往前坠落。
"既然你当时不能救我，那就算了。"
"但是……"
"这事和你无关。"
"如果我知道你会被'那样子'，至少不应该……"
"难道你想背负更多的指责吗？"她厉声说，"难道我在餐桌边上骂得还不够多吗？！"
他不做声了。他的眼里堆积起了更多的愧疚，埋过了红海边她所见的愤怒之光。
Nerv里还死了很多人，从掉落在地上的衣服和到处飞溅的血迹就可以看出来，还有些地方有火焰灼烧的黑色灰烬。虽然明日香没有多余的心思同情他们，但她也认为有些人不该死得比她还惨。
整个Nerv都受到了诅咒，不止是她和真嗣。
当他们背着所有的枪支回到房车上，天色很晚了。他们把车开到开阔的公园边上。真嗣开始煮面，明日香拿着真嗣的SDAT听歌。这个SDAT是真嗣回来的时候就出现在口袋里的，贴心的莉莉丝，正如给明日香留下足以自卑的疤痕一样，也给真嗣留下了自闭的道具。
真嗣的磁带里当然没有几首英文歌，多的是些曲调积极的日本歌和老派的交响曲。
她关掉SDAT，脑海里依然是Muse。
/Space dementia in your eyes./
"面好了。"真嗣说。
不想吃。
你昨天也这么说。你是铁人吗？
我有在吃东西。
三块巧克力和几包薯片可不能管饱。来吧，我煮了两人份。
我说不想吃就不想吃。
真嗣把两碗面放在折叠桌上。一碗放在对面，自己吃起另一碗。明日香撇开眼睛，注视着窗外，水池中心有一尊雕像，脖子上方空空，脑袋掉在手心里。旁边是空荡荡的秋千，神似真嗣的幻象。面的香味。他啜着面汤的声音。季节变化，地上堆满了鳞片般的叶子。她和小光来过一次，谈论小光喜欢的人。
小光说她认为明日香喜欢真嗣。
你和他说的话最多。这是真的。
扯淡。
你和他每天都一起上下学，你们住一个屋檐下，你们会有自己的悄悄话。你们会暗生情愫。这是真的。
扯淡。
在深夜里，你们甚至能听得见对方的呼吸声。
那是他下流。
你承认了？
我没有承认什么东西，都是你在胡扯。
那么，你至少每天吃他做的便当。
那又怎样？
很少有女生每天都吃男生做的便当，除非他们是情侣。
恰好他会做饭罢了。
就算他做饭，如果难吃你就不会吃了。
如果吃了真嗣做的饭，你就承认了他还是有优点的。
你承认他是有优点的，你就不能抱怨他一无是处。
第四天。她依然不吃他做的饭。
第五条。她依然不吃。
第六天。第七天。
真嗣捧着碗的手在颤抖。"你必须得吃了。"
"凭什么？"明日香从睡铺上刷地抬起脑袋，"是你的食物更高贵还是你想靠这个来博取我的原谅？"
"不是的。"
"我可不想欠你的人情债！"
"你只是在闹脾气！"
"去你的闹脾气！"她跳起来，把SDAT摔在一边。"你把自己当什么？笨蛋真嗣？你以为你掐了我的脖子就可以命令我吗？假如我命令你滚出这个房车，你会去做吗？！"
他瞪着她。"我会的，只要你想。我会滚得远远的，这就是你想的。反正你根本不需要我，对吗？你会自己好好活下去。"
他摔开车门，大步地走掉了。
她的鼻子还在喘着热气，她的手脚已经麻木。浑身的伤疤像着火，头顶却像结了冰。她没想到他真的会。
/I know you want me to feel your pain./
真嗣依然弄不懂她。他以为在红海中见识了她一切的软弱，她的需求，他就明白该怎么接近她了。他知道她渴望关注，不顾一切地渴望，这就是为什么他会（暂时）离开她。她会知道自己错了。她会知道他是最诚恳的那一个。她会知道自己想帮她，到了一种不做就会死的地步。
她会知道。
他一直都设法让她知道。可是从没有过。
直到他发现了暴力。
掐脖子是灵光一现，是地狱里传来的窃窃私语。他并非把她看成敌人，类似使徒，只是把她当成要【说服】的对象。世界上最后一个也是唯一一个可能被说服的人。暴力是他采取的最后一种办法。
救救我。
救救你自己。
她轻得像罪孽的分量，一下子就被他全都举了起来。那时他承认了，她是他仅剩下的全部。没有她，他就活不下去。人类意识的海洋中，他像被切断锚的船只一样地出发了。她是一座他永远找不到的岛，在诸多令人沉迷的岛屿之中，她像一个关于爱的传闻。他到处找传闻的来源，却怎么都找不到。
他回来是为了等她。
他回来是因为她说了不想在池子里，不想要沦丧之乐。她抚摸他的脸，他把那读取为一起受苦。
那现在她又是什么态度？她瞧不起自己给她做饭吗？她以前似乎也瞧不起，但她从来不会拒绝吃他的饭。
天色越来越暗，他打开口袋里的迷你手电筒，尽管如此，只能照亮一小片区域。恐惧向来是人类的朋友。他经历过太多恐惧，幽闭的恐惧，炎热的恐惧，身体被撕裂的恐惧，失去友人的恐惧，被欺骗的恐惧。他不觉得黑暗有什么好恐惧的，他只觉得此时手电筒单一的光柱，比世界各地的黑暗加起来都要大。
她在沙滩上找到他。LCL海里流动着人类的面容。他很自在地坐在靠近海岸线的地方，盯着LCL，面露思索之情，仿佛考虑要不要重新跳进去。见到她时，他眼中被红海反射的迷幻光晕才消失了。
笨蛋真嗣。
面吃了吗？
她犹豫着。
他望着她，眼神依然受伤。
"我跟踪了你。"
她当然不敢说她犹豫了半个钟头才决定露面。
他耸耸肩。回去吧，他说，面要凉了，而我还没吃完。你来找我，也应该做好了吃饭的准备。
我不吃。但我要你回去。
他挑起一根眉毛。她不知道他什么时候学会这种动作，这让他看起来更放肆。如果我说不呢？他问。你打算怎么办？
明日香咬着嘴唇。 如果你一直吃他的饭，总有一天你会明白这种心情。小光的话语在她的脑海里回响。 如果你明白，你愿意告诉他吗？你愿意吗？你愿意吗？
我永远不会说愿意。你这个笨蛋，我是惣流·明日香·兰格雷，永远不会做先人一步屈服。
然后真嗣抓住她的手臂，往下一拽。
她倒下去。在倒下去的那一瞬间她感觉到了轻松，也许她不是讨厌被人拖下去的感觉，而是讨厌被自己击垮。
他们重新回到原来的位置。他在上面，她在下面。他又朝她伸出双手。他们散发着原始的腥味。他的手放在了她的双肩上，柔软而耐心，还带着地上几粒粗糙的砂砾。
她喜欢这双手的感觉。
"Iss mich."他说。
明日香眨了眨眼。
/I love all the tricks，and twisted game you play on me./
他歪起头。"吃了我。"他用日语说，"我以为德语是这么说的。"
"没错，但你知不知道你在说什么？"
他直起腰，把皮带解开，拉开裤子的前端。"我说这个。"明日香来回瞪着他说话的嘴皮和他的几把，想知道哪一边更荒唐。
"Verrückt！（疯子！）"她撑起胸椎以上的身体，想要推开他。
"吃我。"他极其冷静地重复道，"不然就吃面。"他的臀部往前一靠，顶撞她的脸。她嫌恶地瞪着他。他是如此邪恶，她从没见过一个人先是想杀她，后是想强奸她。
作为对邪恶的惩罚，她一口咬住他的棒子。狠狠地。
他发出一声让她满足的叫。真可怜，你还不知道你得罪我的后果。
当她将其定义成惩罚，她开始跨过自己尖叫沸腾的自尊心，专注地吃他。她很容易地把这当成德式热狗肠，并以食肉动物的方式咀嚼。她抬起目光，真嗣的脸涨得通红。他想抓她的头发，她却拍开了。他只能弯下腰，搭在她肩膀上，像做错事的人。这大大地满足了她。
他的阴茎充了气一样鼓起，向上悬浮。一想到明天早上他一定会呻吟着起床，一整天都出不了门，双膝夹着屁股祈求上苍把世界重启万岁，明日香就觉得这个地狱好像光明了许多。
"谢谢款待。"她吞下他的精华，把渣滓吐到地上。他松开她，快速回收的时候明日香几乎要笑出声来。
"不客气。"他脸色苍白，汗水淋漓，挤出一丝疼痛的笑容。Gott, 他比原先更可爱，更让人受不了了。
他抓起一把沙子，双手搓动了几下，在自己裤腿上拍打，朝她伸出"干净的"手。结果和明日香的拳头撞在一起。他歪起脑袋，再次伸向她，又被击开。第三次，他在她的拳头飞来之时迅速地用"布"抓住它。一阵电流传进明日香的神经，令她的手指像龟缩的章鱼触手慢慢重新张开，吸盘不情愿地蛊住了真嗣的手。
她感知到，这让她无法抗拒的是小光曾暗示她的东西。
就像被对方的钩子吊住的鱼，垂死挣扎，绝望的感情到处蔓延，但却是新鲜的。
/Peace will arise and tear us apart, and make us meanless again./
"真嗣，我饿了。"
后记：
是一个单纯明日香不想吃饭而真嗣喂她吃棒子的梗。
由于我前面絮絮叨叨地铺垫了太多，而且你可以看到太多文的情节的影子，所以基本上不是什么新鲜货，只是糅合了我自己的风格写的爽文=我非常享受描写嗣香的性张力，也很喜欢被明日香逼着进行反击的真嗣，是的，我是"真嗣左位协会"的一员。我认为真嗣是潜在的抖S，而真嗣的温柔又注定他不会让事情太过失控。
最近在读恰克的小说，所以这次的风格比我以往的作品稍微偏黑暗（邪恶？）一点，他的作品《搏击俱乐部》有句名言就是："我们总是被所爱的人杀死，这句话反过来说也一样。"我认为用来形容嗣香很合适。
食欲和性欲挂钩的痕迹在另外一篇White Oleander有十足的刻画。
别问我为什么是SpaceDementia（太空痴呆症）这首歌。我只是一边写一边听它！