I do not own Fastlane. I do not lay any claim to any character in this story. I make no money off of this. They are all property of Fox as far as I know. This story is rated R for hot man on woman action. No slash contained herein. This chapter is pretty clean but the previous ones need to be read for it to make sense and they are rated higher so....yeah. No one under 17 please.

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Chapter 3

Billie hesitated outside his door before she knocked. A flashing of her badge at the front desk had gotten Van's room number. She had been here before on previous occasions for busts, arrests, and to meet informants. She gently knocked but wasn't surprised when he didn't answer. She reached for the door knob and was surprised to find that the door was unlocked. The room was not much to look at. The walls had cracks and she could almost hear the scuttle of roaches. The cheap carpeting was full of cigarette burns and worn through in some spots. Van was nowhere to be seen. Billie decided to wait and see if he'd return. An empty tequila bottle sat on the nightstand. She laid on the bed and turned on the television. Halfway through an exciting program on prairie dog towns Van entered the room with a brown bag in hand. Billie turned towards him. "The front desk tipped me off that a cop was waiting for me but I told him I'd handle it," Van said unsheathing a bottle from the paper bag. He didn't even look at her.

"Deaq told me you weren't doing well."

"Well.." The delay in his response, the clumsiness of his movement...it was as Billie feared. He was drunk already. "Did you really think after what happened everything was just going to be peaches and cream? I mean think about it, Billie. Think about the worry, the rejection, the guilt, and the anger." He counted off on his fingers. "Now roll it up with a healthy dose of complete and total self-loathing. For a person who is supposed to 'serve and protect' I can never seem to protect those I love."

"There's someone I want you to talk to, Van. Maybe he can help you find a healthy way to deal with this." Billie knew Van shied away from help. She was fighting a losing battle. "You're not alone. Deaq and I are here for you when you're ready."

"Well maybe I'd rather be alone. Then you or Deaq or anyone connected to you guys won't get hurt because of me. I couldn't save Deaq's brother. I could barely help you." Van was letting himself become vulnerable. The Billie in front of him was far more intimidating than the one in his subconscious. The fitted t-shirt and stone-washed jeans she wore were more girl-next-door than sensual vixen. The tennis shoes definitely weren't screaming sexy temptress either. She was still a lot more than he could handle. The Billie in his dreams was merely a reflection of his desires. He had some control over her. This Billie, though somewhat predictable, scared the Hell out of him. She wouldn't bend to his whims. She wouldn't back down because he "couldn't handle it."

Billie was losing her patience. Though concerned she found it hard to suppress her anger. "If you want to be a coward and wallow in your 'woe is me' attitude and self-pity I can't help you. I should order you to see a therapist. I am giving you a choice just like I did when I recruited you. You have to make the decision." She could see he was angry at her for getting angry with him. She probably shouldn't have lashed out. It was too late now though.

"Billie, I think you need to leave." Van wouldn't meet her eyes. "I don't think you understand what I am going through. I need some time alone."

"So you can self-destruct? Or go vigilante and take this guy out? Van, you need us now-"

"Don't tell me what I need!" He still wouldn't look up at her. "Just go. Please." Billie looked at him hesitantly. She realized her anger was driving him further away. Instead of complying with his request she got closer to him. She placed a hand on the bare flesh of his shoulder. She could feel him shaking.

"Van," she said in a soft voice. "Please consider this. You're part of a team. A team supports each other in times of need. We need you as much as you need us." She didn't know where such a cheesy line had come from. Reaching out to criminals and turning them into informants had caused her to utter a few. In his emotional state it looked like Van could use some of that cheese about now. He continued to face away from her. His hands rested on a worn dresser. His eyes were cast downward and his breathing was still ragged and uneven. A drunk Van was not a good thing she decided. As she started to walk away Van swiftly turned towards her capturing her shoulders in his hands. He looked at her with that haunted look. It was a look of loss and hopelessness she had known all too well. In a state of shock she still managed to suppress the immediate urge to jerk away. He searched her eyes. Her own were wide and searching as well. He moved a hand up to her cheek. Billie closed her eyes briefly. His hand was rough on her smooth skin. He moved towards her lips and began to lean in. She could feel his breath which reeked of liquor. For a moment her pulse rose and she almost gave in.

"Van." She said it quietly. Barely a whisper, yet still he stopped. "I think we should keep things professional." She backed away. Her face was flushed. She pushed her way out of the hotel room quickly. Billie hurried halfway down the hall and then slowed her pace as she passed the front desk. She walked out unsure if she had done more harm than good.

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"Deaq, I blew it!" Billie sat at her desk in the Candystore biting her lip. She had decided it was better not to disclose to Deaq all that had transpired inside the hotel room.

"Why does that not surprise me?" Deaq replied. Deaq knew how hard it was for Billie to show compassion.

"He needed comfort. He needed someone to re-assure him that the world isn't all a crazy fucked up mess. He needed to know people with hearts live and breath and need protection."

"If you knew all of this why didn't you tell him?" Deaq really wondered about her sometimes. A momentary hesitation before she answered caused him to believe there was more that she wasn't willing to tell him.

"Because I don't have a heart! I'm jaded and suspicious. I deal with criminals. I protect the good people by kicking the ass of bad people. I don't make the good people feel good. I'm more of a negative reinforcement kind of person."

"So all of those little heart to hearts you've had with me have been a farce? All rehearsed lines to get me to do what you want?" Deaq said this neutrally while lifting an eyebrow.

Billie knew her softer side was caught. What could she say? She had few soft spots, but she definitely had one for the boys. "Yeah, pretty much."

"And your informants whom you helped to turn their lives around, letting Cassidy go, and your concern when either Van or I were sick or injured...all of this is a ploy in your great mission to 'kick ass.' None of it was compassion, mercy, or tenderness?"

"Right on all counts, Deaq."

"I don't buy it. I don't buy it one bit."

"Well that's just too bad because you are now going to have to be Mr Sensitive." Billie grinned at him.

"Oh no, Deaq doesn't work that way." Billie just kept looking in his direction with a cheshire grin.

"You better learn fast."

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The coastline always fascinated Van. Surfing had been his first love. A great appreciation for the waves accompanied this. Visually it was soothing. When things got difficult Van drove. When things got really difficult Van drove to the ocean. Cares and worries seemed to melt in the blue green depths. They were buried beneath the white foam as the waves would come in. Memories of good times watching the sun come up, bonfires and surf betties would come to mind. Some were so vivid he could almost taste saltwater. Memories of a youth that in retrospect seemed so much more carefree than it really had been haunted him. So many questions still clamored for attention in his mind. "Are you happy?" "Is this what you want?" "Is this it?" "Is it all worth it?" All these questions echoed over and over at fever pitch as the booze wore off. But all of them also seemed to be drowned out by the crashing of the surf.

Billie stayed silent. She concentrated on the road. She was more of a guide on a fucked up tour of Van's mind. It was better this way. The teal foreign convertible was not his style. She seemed to be intimately familiar with the vehicle. He could tell by the way she shifted in perfect harmony with the car. The engine would purr just right each time she shifted in a quiet thank you to her ability. This was a car to be handled well and she did just that. It wasn't a touchy or delicate vehicle so much as one that demanded a certain amount of skill to handle properly.

Her eyes were a million miles away. They shone like translucent pools in the fading afternoon light. He wondered what troubled her. She was the strong one though. Like a child to a parent he feared when Billie was troubled but was too cowardly to ask what was on her mind. He wanted her to always be strong. She always had courage and inspiration. If Billie questioned their work he could no longer have faith. Billie was everything that was strong. Even when injured or backed in a corner she never showed her fear. He admired and resented her ability to hide her emotions so well. It was a truly useful skill but one that was hard to unlearn.

He thought of Hilary now. She was so different. She was so naive. He felt ashamed thinking of her now as he glanced at Billie whom was solely focused on the road now. He recalled their first meeting. He was serving as her protector then. He should have been able to protect her always. Flashbacks of slow dancing and a red dress came to him. Hands touched and in that moment he had felt it. The emotion, the attraction of two creatures of different worlds had manifested. Yet still he didn't trust her and she didn't trust him. Maybe it was better that way. He looked back at Billie now. She was pulling her sunglasses out. The sunset would be blinding soon. She slid them down and glanced at him over the lenses before returning her gaze to the road. "Just a little longer, Van."

"I've been saying that for years," he replied leaning further back in his seat.

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I am sorry it took so long to write! The holiday season is finally over so I have a bit more time on my hands. Between getting my first real Christmas tree in my first real house to seeing Bob Guiney play the day after Christmas to drinking myself stupid on New Years Eve I've been kinda busy. I hope this chapter fits seamlessly with the others. It had some minor rewrites and I didn't get a fool proof-read in. I will try to update soon. Thank you to everyone who has been reading from your favorite Eastown party girl!