Somewhere To Begin Chapter 23, a twilight fanfic

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Chapter 23: Thinkin Bout You

Bella

Maybe I overreacted.

But I was nervous.

Scared even.

I still didn't know how I felt about the kiss or what it meant. I knew we couldn't just ignore it; besides, we had a witness.

I admit I avoided him a time or two… Okay, I completely avoided him the next day. I dropped Aiden off earlier at school and then, by coincidence, I had an emergency meeting with the staff writers and the digital editor. I wasn't even able to pick Aiden up, Alice had to, and I couldn't go on Egg Roll's afternoon walk.

It was a long meeting; it went well into the evening. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it's the truth, I swear.

It just perfectly lined up with not wanting to face Edward at the moment.

Silly, maybe even childish, I know, but I was still thinking about the kiss, and what it could mean…

Not that it had to mean anything.

Not that it didn't mean anything.

Or not that it couldn't have been an accident.

Yeah, an accident, like we both could have stumbled and, and…

Your lips caught you? Even you don't believe that.

Okay, so maybe we didn't stumble, but was it intentional? Or were we just caught up in a moment?

What sort of moment that could have been I wasn't sure, but a moment none the less.

"Ugh." I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face.

Obviously, I was nowhere near close to figuring anything out. The kiss was weeks ago.

How in the hell did I… we get in this… situation? Predicament? Conundrum? I don't even know what to call this. One minute we were just two friends, enjoying each other's company, and the next minute we were kissing.

Kind of.

It was more like a peck, not a full-on kiss, more like when you have your first kiss as a kid. Your lips touch, but there isn't a lot of movement.

So it wasn't even really a kiss. It was just a moment of our lips… touching.

Do you hear yourself?

I'm just trying to make sense of what happened.

What do you need to make sense of? You kissed—even if you are trying to act delusional about it—and you liked it.

I-I'm-I'm not sure how I feel about it, I'm still figuring that out.

Seriously?

Seriously.

You know I'm you, right?

Well, then you're just as confused as I am.

What I know is that you liked it.

Since it happened, things have been off.

Now, like I said, I avoided him the day after. It was wrong; I know. Bad Bella. But we've both been… odd, and not ourselves.

It's complicated. And it sucks, really sucks.

And bonus, if you haven't figured it out yet, I still don't know what to do. Hell, I don't know what not to do either!

So, are things kinda my fault?

Some could argue that they are, and I wouldn't disagree, much.

After I canceled on the walk, he and Renata couldn't make story time at the library. Then Renata was with her Mom, so I didn't see Edward at all that week, but then when he got Renata back, we still didn't go back to our routine.

My thought was that he needed space, which was fair. It wasn't like I hadn't done the same or actually knew what to do after the kiss, so I gave him the same courtesy. Even though we hadn't talked at all the week prior when Renata was with her Mom.

And the only reason we text is to cancel, for one reason or another.

And what could I say, things do just 'come up.'

Thankfully, everyone else has been busy too, so we hadn't had any group outings. The last thing I needed was for the others to notice and then feel the need to help—after they gloated about being right in the first place.

Not that they were right, completely. But considering the events that transpired, maybe they weren't completely wrong.

They still sucked, by the way. Even if they don't what happened between Edward and me.

But I digress.

Of course, it wouldn't have been bad that Edward and I were in this weird standstill. Unfortunately, it had also affected the kids.

Aiden noticed that the routine we'd fallen into got disrupted and was far from happy about it. He wasn't able to see his best friend outside of school. He wanted to know why, and I didn't know how to explain to him that his mother was… is uncertain about how to respond to a kiss.

I felt guilty. Ironic, how I got on Alec so much about being consistent with Aiden, and now look at what happened.

Aiden wasn't seeing his best friend because of me, and he missed Renata.

Call me naïve, or oblivious, but I didn't realize how much we intertwined our lives and for it to be altered so suddenly bothers me more than it probably should, considering we're just supposed to be friends.

"Mommy?"

I turned, facing the balcony door. "I'm on the balcony, Buddy."

I heard his feet slapping with each step until he came into view.

"Are you sure Ren can't come to story time?" He looked at me with a pout on his lips.

I bit the inside of my cheek, wishing I had a different answer. "I'm sorry, Honey, but I'm sure."

He blew out a breath, his little stomach even poked out.

Edward had texted me earlier, before I even got up. If you're curious, it read: Hey, can't make it, need to get some work done, it's been a little chaotic, sorry . Maybe we can catch you next week.

What was my response?

Okay. No problem. Yeah, let's aim for next week.

What else could I say? I don't believe you?

"We don't have to go if you don't want to."

"I wanna go." He frowned. "I just want Ren with me."

I walked toward him and ran my fingers through his hair. "I know you do." I kissed his forehead. "But we can have fun together."

"I guess." He looked put out.

"You guess?" I poked his stomach. "I'm fun, you can have fun with me."

He snorted, pushing my finger away. "I know, I just miss Ren."

"Me too." I sighed. "Let's get dressed, we have to leave soon."

After Aiden and I devoured some breakfast sandwiches and fruit, we took care of our morning hygiene, got dressed, and headed out the door.

The ride to the library was a quick but relatively quiet one.

Once I parked, we got out of the truck and headed towards the library.

"What are you looking for?" I asked. Aiden's head was turning in every direction.

"For Ren." He was looking behind us now.

"She won't be here this time, Baby."

"I know, I was just checking." He said before we walked into the library and went to the room where story time was held.

"Hi, Bella, Aiden." Leah smiled as she leaned against the doorway.

"Hi." Aiden waved.

"Hey." I smiled.

She looked behind us. "Is Renata coming to—"

"No." Aiden sighed.

I put my hand on his shoulder. "They couldn't make it today, but we can still have a good time."

"That's too bad, maybe next week." Leah smiled, trying to be optimistic.

"No." Aiden huffed. "She'll be with her Mom."

Leah glanced at me before she looked back at Aiden, "Like your Mom said, we can still have a good time."

"Yeah." Aiden blew out a breath through his nose.

"Sam and Hannah are here." I gestured toward them.

"They are." Leah smiled. "Why don't you take a seat? We'll be starting soon."

I watched as Aiden walked to his normal table and talked to the other kids.

"Hopefully she can make it next time, we miss her." Leah said.

"Yeah." I tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear. "Hopefully." This was the third time they haven't been able to make it.

"I better get started." She pointed behind her.

I nodded.

She turned. "Hey, guys and gals, who's ready for story time?" She said as she closed the door.

I kept my eyes on Aiden. Even when the door shut, I looked at him through the small glass window.

Even though he was interacting with the other kids, and tried being his usual self, I knew he was disappointed.

I sighed and went to sit in what became Edward's and my normal chairs while we waited.

I plopped down and looked up at the ceiling.

I hate this.

I feel like Edward and I haven't talked, really talked, for a while.

I didn't know where his head was, and I didn't want to make a mountain of a molehill, but I knew we would have to talk about the kiss eventually, but how could I even bring it up when I don't know how I feel about it?

And I don't know if he needs or wants more space.

What if he regrets it?

What if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore?

What if he didn't like it?

What if he's just as nervous as you, and doesn't know what to do?

I guess that could be true.

Neither of you tried to stop the kiss from happening. It's possible he could have wanted and liked it just as much as you. But you'll never know the answer if you don't talk to him.

But what do I say?

Hello is how most people start conversations.

Yeah, it'll be that simple.

It could be, but you won't know if you don't say anything to him.

I chewed on my bottom lip for a few seconds as I thought it over.

It's not like it could get any worse, right?

I opened my purse and grabbed my phone. "You can do this, don't be a punk." I mumbled to myself as I went to Edward's number, but my thumb hovered over the phone.

Maybe it would be better if I texted him.

Yeah, I'd do that.

I opened our text thread and typed out my message.

Hey, do you have a minute? We need to talk.

I deleted that. No one enjoyed hearing those words.

Hey, how are you?

That wasn't what I really wanted to ask. Delete.

Why are you avoiding me?

Mmm. Sounded too accusatory. Delete.

I'm sorry if the kiss made you uncomfortable. I'm confused and I don't know what to do, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship or the kids. Please talk to me.

Maybe too straight forward. Delete, quickly.

"I can't do this."

I've never had a problem talking to Edward before, but now I can't send a simple text. I second guessed everything I said, or wanted to say, and was petrified I'd say the wrong thing.

I can't make sense of this, not by myself, apparently.

I need to talk to someone, but who?

Alice? She would just get stuck on the kiss.

Rose? She would tell Alice, plus she's dating Emmett.

Ivey? That still feels too close to Edward.

Demetri? No.

Angela? She would be the best option, the least likely to say I told you so, but she already thinks that Edward and I are more than friends.

I need an unbiased opinion.

This is when I would have talked to Edward.

You still could.

Not really helping.

Ugh, I need more friends.

Who could I talk to?

What about your dad, since you refuse to talk to Edward?

Uh, I know I can talk to my dad about anything, but this seems more like girl talk.

Mom?

That just might work.

I brought the phone up to my face and scrolled to her number and tapped the screen.

It rang four times.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Mom, how are you?" I played with the strap of my purse.

"Hey Sweetheart, I'm doing good how about you?"

"Fine." I said quickly, too quickly. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I'm doing fine."

There was a moment of silence.

"Are you sure?"

"Uh, yeah." I rubbed the back of my neck.

If you're trying to be cool and collected, you're failing.

"Hmm." She clicked her tongue. "If you say so, what can I do for you, Honey?"

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to see what you and Dad were up to today?"

"We just got back home from a trip to the grocery store."

"Oh cool, did you guys have fun?"

You really just asked her if she had fun grocery shopping?

"Uh, yeah, we enjoyed ourselves. You know how much I like grocery shopping with your father." The sarcasm clear in her tone. "Are you sure there isn't anything you needed?"

"I'm sure, I just wanted to hear your voice."

And why can't you just say you want to talk?

"Well, isn't that…" she paused, "sweet of you."

"You know me Mom." I let out a breathy laugh. "Sweet as can be."

"Okay, enough Bella." She sighed. "What's wrong?"

"What?" I sat up. "Why would something be wrong?"

Because something was going on… Why did you even call her if you were going to do this?

"You called me, yet I have to pull teeth to get information out of you. This child is going to give me a headache." She muttered. "Something is bothering you so just tell me already."

"I don't know if I would say something is wrong, per se." I rubbed my hand against the fabric of the chair. "Maybe different?"

"Isabella." She said firmly.

I jumped a little. "Okay, okay, fine. You don't have to beat it out of me." I picked imaginary lint from my pant leg. "Something is on my mind."

I know I was acting like a child, and I called her, but it was a little embarrassing. I'm twenty-nine, with a child of my own, and I wanted my mommy to help me fix my problems.

"Are you going to tell me?"

"I'm at the library with Aiden right now."

"Why didn't you wait to call me until you left?"

I shrugged my shoulders, even though she couldn't see me.

"Call me back when you leave the library."

"But I don't want to talk about it over the phone." I pouted.

"Come over to the house later, then."

"Okay." I blew out. "If you insist."

"If I insist, if you want—" She abruptly stopped talking and took a deep breath. "I'll see you soon."

"See you soon, Mom." I pulled the phone from my ear, about to hang up, but quickly brought it back to my ear. "Wait, Mom."

"Hang up the phone Bella."

I grinned. "Love you."

"Love you too."

I ended the call and a small giggle escaped me.

I really annoyed her.

I almost felt like I was back in high school again, about to talk to Mom about a boy I liked.

I noticed the time and put the phone back in my purse before I stood and headed back to the story time room.

As soon as I walked in, the kids were getting up from their seats.

"I'll see you all next week when we'll start The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe." Leah wiggled her fingers as all the kids went to their parents.

"Guess what?" I smiled as Aiden walked toward me.

"What?" He looked up at me.

"We're going to go see Nana and Pop-Pop."

"Awesome." He smiled.

If anyone could cheer him up, it would be Pop-Pop.

We wasted no time and headed to my parent's house. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in front of their house, but before Aiden and I made it to the front door, Dad met us on the porch.

"How's my favorite grandson?" He smiled with open arms.

"Pop-Pop!" Aiden yelled as he ran towards Dad.

Their laughter was so infectious it made me smile.

With Aiden in his arms, he leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "How's my girl doing?"

"I'm good." I smiled.

He chuckled. "If you say so, Sweetheart."

Obviously, Mom told him something about our conversation.

I huffed and playfully rolled my eyes.

"Listen, I'm headed to go pick some lunch, I'm gonna take Aiden with me." He jerked his chin towards the door. "Your Mom's in there waiting on you. We'll be back in a little while."

I stood on my tiptoes and kissed Dad on the cheek. "Thank you, Daddy."

"Don't mention it." He winked. "You ready Buddy?" He asked Aiden.

"Yep." Aiden nodded. "Can we get some ice cream too?"

"Sure, a little ice cream never hurt."

"Cool." Aiden pumped his fist.

"Bring some back for me." I said as Dad walked towards his car.

He waved in response.

I stayed on the porch until they got in his car and drove off. After I could no longer see the car, I went inside the house.

"Mom?" I called out as I closed the front door.

"In the kitchen."

I set my purse down on the side table and headed in her direction.

"Hey." I sat down at the kitchen table.

"Hey yourself." She looked back at me from the stove. "Do you want some tea?"

"Sure." I sighed and placed my elbows on the table.

I remained quiet as she softly hummed and prepared our drinks.

"Here you go." She placed the hot mug in front of me before she grabbed hers and sat in the chair beside me. "So?" She grabbed her mug by its handled and brought it up to her lips and blew.

"So?" I copied her actions.

She narrowed her eyes at me and took a sip of her tea.

I glanced around the room and slurped mine.

"Bella," she said gently. I looked at her. "I can't help you, if you won't tell me what's wrong." She set her mug down.

"I know." I exhaled and set my mug down. "But before I tell you, promise not to tell Alice."

She raised her eyebrows at me.

"I'm serious." I widened my eyes. "Promise."

"Okay, okay." She held up her hands. "I won't tell Alice."

I stared at her.

She rolled her eyes. "I promise."

"Okay." I took a deep breath. "So, there's a possibility that me and Edward… Edward and I might have kinda… sorta…" I looked down at the table, "kissed." I whispered the last word.

After a few moments of her not saying a word, not even a sound, I looked up.

She was frowning at me.

My leg began bouncing. "Can you say something?"

She tilted her head to the side and opened and closed her mouth a few times.

"Did I confuse you?" I raised an eyebrow.

"No." She shook her head. "Not at all."

I blinked at her. "Well?"

"Well…" She shrugged and repositioned in her chair. "It's not surprising."

I jerked back. "Not surprising? What do you mean, not surprising?"

"You two are always around each other, and there's chemistry between you. Honestly, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner." She took another sip of her tea. "It's cute, you two I mean."

"Mom." I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face.

"Stop it." She popped my arm. "Relax and tell me why you're freaking out."

I dropped my hands. "I'm not freaking out."

Lie, complete and utter lie.

She pursed her lips at me.

I sucked my teeth. "Much. I'm not freaking out much."

"Mhmm." The disbelief was evident. "So, explain to me what happened."

"Well…" I played with the end of my hair. "You know Edward and I went out for my birthday a few weeks ago."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"We went to the pottery class, you know the gift he got me for Christmas, then we went to dinner, and then we went back to his parents' house, to get the kids and then…"

"You kissed."

I bit my lip, nodded my head. "And his Dad saw."

She snorted. "That must have been fun."

"Yeah, loads." I rolled my eyes.

"Lips like those? I bet it was a good kiss. Was it?" She smirked.

"Mom." I whined, feeling my cheeks flush.

"What?" She chuckled and shrugged her shoulders. "That's a valid question."

"Oh, my god." I put my hands over my cheeks.

"Answer the question." She poked my arm.

I thought back to that moment, the feeling that coursed through me.

I took a deep breath. "Yes."

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere, so what happened after you kissed?"

"Nothing."

She frowned. "What do you mean, nothing?"

"He dropped Aiden and I off. That was an awkward ride, and that was it." I took a sip of my tea. "We haven't really seen each other, outside of taking the kids to school."

"And why is that? The two of you, actually no, the four of you, have been joined at the hip."

"I… might… have… avoided him." I chewed on my thumbnail.

"Bella." She tsked.

"It's not just my fault." I held my hands up. "I only avoided him the day after we kissed, he's avoiding me now." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"And you still haven't tried to talk to him?"

I thought about the call I didn't make or the texts I didn't send.

"No, not really. I was trying to figure it out."

"Have you? Figured it out?"

I slumped my shoulders. "No." I mumbled.

"So, let me get this straight, you two go out, alone, and have a great time I assume?"

I nodded.

"You get back to his parents' place and kiss, have an awkward moment, then you ignore him the next day?"

I sat up straighter in my chair. "I didn't ignore him."

She raised a single brow.

"I didn't." I looked down and drug my finger across the table. "I avoided him. Those are two different things." I muttered.

"Okay." She blew out a loud breath. "So, you avoided him the day after, and now you think he's avoiding you."

"Yes."

"Why did you avoid him?"

"I was trying to figure it out." I raked my fingers through my hair, starching my scalp.

"Have you?"

I slumped my shoulders. "No." I mumbled.

"Okay." She folded her hands on the table. "Let's figure this out then. You two kissed?"

"Yes."

"Did you like it?"

"Yes."

"Did you want to kiss him?"

"I never thought about it before, but…" I cleared my throat. "It didn't bother me, per se." I said as she picked up her drink.

"I bet it didn't." She mumbled into her mug.

I narrowed my eyes at her.

"So now that we know you liked the kiss and didn't mind it. What do you want to do?" She set her tea down. "Do you want to stay friends? Do you want to explore a relationship with him? Do you never want to see him again?"

I opened and closed my mouth a few times. "I-I-I don't know."

"Well Sweetheart, do you like him?"

"Of course, I do, he's a great guy. It would be hard not to like him."

"No, no." She gave a dismissive wave. "I don't mean as a friend. I mean: do you like him as in you want to have a romantic relationship with him?"

I scrunched my nose. "Romantic seems like such a serious word."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, do you want to date him, get to know him in a more intimate way?"

"I think, maybe… possibly…" I sounded confusing to myself.

"Bella." She groaned.

"I don't know." I threw myself back in the chair. "Prior to that night, I never looked at him that way. We were just friends, good friends, I could tell him anything, and now all of a sudden…"

"All of a sudden…" She leaned toward me.

"He's more than just a friend. I don't know if that means I want to date, not that I'm saying a part of me wouldn't, I guess… But now all I can think about is him, in a way I never have before."

"In what way do you think about him?"

"I don't know how to explain it without sounding silly."

"Try me."

"Okay." I sighed. "So, one day Aiden and I were walking Egg Roll, and I saw this kid who had on a shirt with the words Marvel and DC, and a greater than symbol pointed toward Marvel. That, immediately made me think of Edward and—"

"How could that make you think of Ed—"

"That's just a thing between us."

"Okay, continue."

"That made me think of how he would disagree and how I would agree, and how we could go back, and forth, it's just something we joked about." I said, though she still looked lost. "Anyway, that made me think of his laugh, and then that made me think of his eyes." I looked at her. "They light up when he finds something really funny, and that made me think about his lips."

She put her hand over her mouth and raised her brows.

"I mean his smile." I sniffed. "That made me think about his smile, and that made me think about how I haven't seen it." I blew out a breath and paused. "Which made me think about how he's not talking to me, how we're not talking to each other and…" I trailed off, having an epiphany. "I miss that, miss him." I whispered before I looked down and played with my fingers.

"So, if you feel all of this, why can't you talk to him and tell him what you told me?"

"Because I'm scared." I wrapped my arms around myself. "Because I don't know what any of this means, or how it could change things."

"Sweetheart." She placed her hand on my leg. "I understand your apprehension, but you'll drive yourself crazy by not talking to him. It won't do either of you any good, I'm sure."

"But what if he isn't thinking what I'm thinking? I don't want to make a fool of myself, and I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"Bella, Honey, just talk to him. Suppose he feels the same way you do?"

"But what if he doesn't?"

She grabbed my hands in hers. "What if he does?" She shrugged one shoulder. "And if he doesn't, at least you'll know, but I'm willing to believe he feels exactly the way you do, unsure, confused, and afraid to lose someone important to him. Whether or not you realize it, or aren't ready to admit it, you and Edward have a bond, a connection, and that's not something you can ignore or throw away."

"I don't want to throw it away. I want him and Renata in Aiden's and my life, but I don't know what that means. Does that make us more than friends?"

She inhaled. "I can't answer that for you, only you can." She leaned back in her seat. "But what I can tell you is the only person I've ever thought of in that way was your father."

"Ugh." I placed my hand on the table. "That doesn't help me Mom."

"Then think about it this way: how would you feel if you couldn't talk to him anymore, or hear his laugh, or see his eyes, and his lips?" I turned my head to look at her. "I mean his smile."

I let out a loud, exaggerated breath.

"I'm serious, think about it."

How would I feel?

While we haven't known each other long, I honestly couldn't imagine him not being a part of my life. I've enjoyed getting to know him, even if we had a rocky start, and he reminds me of how important it is to know myself and to find the things that make me happy and do them.

So how would I feel if he wasn't in my life?

I wouldn't like it, and by the look on my Mom's face she could tell I wouldn't like it.

"Now ask yourself, truly ask yourself, what role do you want Edward to play in not just your life, but Aiden's? Do you want him to be your friend, or do you want more?"

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

"You don't have to answer that now, that's something you need to decide for yourself, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. There is no right or wrong answer here. You just have to follow your heart."

"Yeah, follow my heart." I bit the corner of my lip.

"Yes, follow your heart, and talk to Edward, you have to do both." She got up from her seat and kissed my head. "It'll be okay, Sweetheart."

"I hope so."

"It will, trust me, just talk to him." She said before she grabbed our mugs and headed to the sink.

Yeah, trust her.

A/N: Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews, follows and favorites… we appreciate the support!

So… how do you feel about them avoiding each other? What are your thoughts of the convo between Bella and Renee? Do you think it helped any?

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See ya next time when we hear from Edward…