Hi, everyone! I really have no important news to spread around, except, uh, that the Fortune Teller was the best episode EVER! For those of you who haven't seen it, I STRONGLY advise you to go and watch it THIS INSTANT! Or, uh, whenever the next one's playing on TV...he...
Oh, and for anyone interested in adventure stories with bits of humor, go read my story, False Realities and Worlds Collided. Or you can go and read We Are All One, which is a more serious piece. I swear, I posted it a week ago, and so far, I've gotten like 1 hit! Nobody's read it yet….pooey. I worked so hard on it too….Well, uh, here's the next chapter.
What If?
Host: (beaming with a slight burn on cheek) "Welcome to today's show of What If?! Luckily, our little incident from last week has been resolved." (glances over at furbies in straightjackets and various audience members with casts and crutches) "Anyways, our question for today is…" (reads off of paper) "…what if the cast of Avatar was given jobs?" (gives each character a folded piece of paper) "OK, you can open them!"
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Katara: (unfolds her paper) "Sports mascot? I don't think so!"
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Sokka: (opens up slip) "A clown? WHAT? This isn't fair!"
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Aang: (reads out loud) "Professional pie-eating contest participant. That's…um…interesting."
Sokka: (looks over at Aang) "Oh, man! Why couldn't I have gotten that job?"
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Zuko: (stares at opened paper, which says 'Lunch Lady') "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me…"
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Ozai: (glaring furiously at paper) "NO! I absolutely refuse! NO ONE TELLS ME TO BE A CHEERLEADER!"
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Zhao: (smirks off into space after reading what's on the paper and snickers evilly)
"Ice-cream man doesn't sound too bad, especially if it means I can terrify little children…"
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Meng: (reads) "Ooh! I'm a pie-server!" (glances over at Aang and smiles slyly) "THAT means I get to be with Aang…"
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Iroh: (strokes beard thoughtfully after reading slip) "Belly dancer….hmmm…….I always wanted to be in the exotic dancing business…."
(staff member runs up to Iroh hurriedly and grabs his paper) "Uh, sorry, sir. That wasn't supposed to be yours. Here." (hands Iroh another piece)
Iroh: (reads ''racecar driver' off of paper) "Darn…"
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Appa: (looking at small paper lying on the ground) "Blimp? That's not a job!"
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Momo: (holding slip) "Anyone know what a bus driver is?"
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Suki: (reading content) "Plumber? Who wrote this? Ooh, they're going to regret that they messed with a girl…"
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Canyon Guide: "A mailman? Ridiculous! You kiddies couldn't think of a better one?"
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Host: "Well, things are going well so far…" (looking back at enraged, furious, unbelieving characters holding their pieces of paper angrily) "Well, after everyone is settled into their new jobs, we check on how things are turning out…I just hope another outbreak doesn't occur…" (looking very carefully at Ozai and Zhao)
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An hour later...
Katara: (dressed up in a plush hog outfit) "This is insane! Why did I have to be Plushie the Pig for the Pink Piggies!" (basketball team looks at her, who apparently happen to be the "Pink Piggies'")
Aang: (desperately trying to cheer her up) "Don't worry, Katara, you actually make a great Piggy!"
Katara: "Thanks, Aang." (then realizes what he said) "Hey!"
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Sokka: (dressed up as a clown, make-up and everything, whispering under breath crossly) "mumble…mumble…they're going to pay for this…"
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Aang: (slumped in a chair with a full stomach) "…can't…eat….another bite…."
Sokka: (very eagerly) "Aang, I'll switch jobs with you if you want!" (little kid comes running up to Sokka and tugs on his outfit)
Kid: "Mr. Clown, do something with your big funny ears!"
Sokka:"…….….….."
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Zuko: (wearing a similar expression to Sokka's while dishing food out to a lunch line and dumping greasy 'tuna surprise' onto a kid's plate, AND wearing an official "Lunch Lady" hair-net) "You want rice or mashed potatoes?"
Little kid in background: Who knew? A lunch lady who's a GUY?"
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Ozai: (energetically jumping up in the air in a cheerleader's outfit and doing straddle-splits) "I like to do Agni-Kai! Some get hurt and others die! ...Gooooooo Ozai!"
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Zhao: (sitting in an ice cream truck and throwing ice-cream cones at little children, while they run screaming away) "Hahahahaha! That's right! Keep running!" (throws more ice cream cones and rubs hands together) "Now THIS is what I call a fun job!"
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Iroh: (driving crazily in a race car) "Whoo hoo! This is so much fun! I can't believe I wanted to do belly-dancing instead of this!"
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Meng: (placing more pies in front of Aang, who looks ready to explode) "Here you go, Aang…" (bats eyelashes)
Aang: (sees pies) "Aggggggghhhhhh! No more! NO MORE!"
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Appa: (sitting on ground leisurely while ten people proceed (vainly, I might add) to push him onto his feet) "No NO NO! I am not going flying around as some newscaster's personal flying balloon!"
TV workman: (trying to push) "You'll get paid in moon peaches…."
Appa: (full attention) "Moon peaches?"
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Momo: (driving bus rather maniacally with shrieking kids in the back) "Whoa! HOW DO YOU STEER THIS THING?"
Little Girl sitting in backseat: "Aaaggghhhhhhhhh! Look out for that-"
(bus collides with motionless Appa, who looks blandly at the crushed school vehicle)
Little Girl: "…blimp."
Appa: "WHAT? THAT'S IT! Not even moon peaches are gonna get me to do this job!"
Momo: (listening curiously) "Did you say moon peaches?"
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Suki: (sulkily rummaging in sewage tank) "This bites! Whoever made me do this is going to pay dearly…."
Sokka in background: (holding nose) "Ewwwwww……"
Suki: "Oh, shut your mouth, CLOWN!"
Sokka: (still wearing clown-costume) "Hey! This is a respectable and much revered job! At least I don't smell like shi-"
(flying gob of 'you-know-what' hurtles toward his face from Suki's direction)
Sokka: (incredibly revolted and disgusted, pulling the stuff out of his little red clown wig and off his face) "EWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Suki: (looking very pleased with herself) "Who says you don't smell like –BEEP-?"
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Canyon Guide: (running away from barking dog while grasping envelopes, big hole in seat of pants) "Aaagghhhh! It's coming back for me! It's had a taste, and it's coming BACK FOR ME!"
Psychotherapist: (sadly shaking head) "He's never fully recovered from that incident with the canyon crawlers…"
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Host: (looking around at the various events going around) "The day didn't turn out too badly for once!" (looks at Zhao, who's proceeding to throw ice cream cones at little kids and Zuko's head) "Well, except for that. But otherwise, it's been a pretty relaxing, nice -"
(TV guy comes running in rapidly) "I have HORRIBLE news! One of the furbies just got loose!"
Host: (looking fearful) "OH NO!"
(huge explosion from behind the audience)
(everyone looks back, terrified)
Host: (looks carefully, identifies the small object, then realizes what it is) "Oh god. That's not a furbie, it's a……LAWN GNOME! AGGGHHHHHHHH!"
(Everyone goes crazy again)
(A massive army of lawn gnomes comes marching into view, carrying chemical warfare machines, riding tanks, and holding nuclear bombs)
Some guy from the audience: (runs up from the screaming and turmoil) "THEY'VE COME! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
Sokka: (still wearing his clown costume, running around shrieking at the top of his lungs) "THE MADNESS MUST END! AAAGGGHHHHHHHH!"
Meng: (clasping onto the distended Aang for dear life) "Save me!"
Aang: "Ughhhhh….too overstuffed…"
Zhao: (stands up triumphantly) "Ah haa! This is my chance!" (starts hurling ice-cream cones at Zuko)
Zuko: (trying desperately to pull the smashed frozen desserts off of his face) "WILL YOU STOP ALREADY?"
Canyon Guide: (crawling away from gigantic army of lawn ornaments) "Aaaagggghhhhhh! They're even more horrible than the canyon crawlers! Aaaggghhh! Those pointy hats! Those white gnome-ish beards! Those deceivingly innocent happy smiles! They're TERRIFYING!"
Host: (falls to knees, fists toward the sky) "My show! It's RUINED!"
(lawn gnome waddles up and flings wailing host over it's shoulders)
Host: "AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
(show falls to pieces)
Host: (being dragged farther and farther away) "I SHALL MISS ALL OF YOU! FAREWELL! HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW WHILE IT LASTED!"
(lawn gnome throws host on the ground, who cringes)
Appa: (still not moving) "Well, this is getting rather old…" (lawn gnomes come up and try to lift him off the ground) "Sorry guys, this butt ain't movin'!"
Zhao: "TAKE THE POWER OF THE MIGHTY ICE-CREAM CONE! TAKE IT!" (chucks ice-cream in the direction of gnomes) "VANILLA IS POWER! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
Zuko: (blasts fireballs at approaching gnomes) "Well, this lunch lady is NOT going to take attitude from puny lawn ornaments!" (several gnomes burst into flame)
(racecar zooms across the set and hits a few gnomes)
Iroh: (from inside the car, looking out at the smashed ceramic ornaments) "Oops…"
(shrieking clown pops into view) "AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
Katara: (runs up in piggy suit and grabs fallen microphone while smacking a sniggering furbie with a straightjacket in the face) "We'll see you all next time on What If?!"
Oh My GOD! I just realized that the Fire Lord's little routine rhymes perfectly! Agni-Kai, Die, Ozai! YAY!
OK, peoples! I feel like doing an interactive episode, so if you guys can submit ideas for what I should write my next chapter about, I'll take the very best one and use it in my next What If? show! And don't worry, I promise to give you credit for your idea- it doesn't even have to be about an item or job; anything you can think of! Some people already gave me some suggestions, but I want to see if you guys have any more (I might even combine some). Well, check ya later!