Questions and answers
Lina begins questioning her life. First fic that I'm brave enough to post.
What am I afraid of?
Me, the Dra Matta, I've fought countless monsters and demons, always coming out on top, no matter the odds. Yet even now, when I'm perfectly safe, I feel fear, clutching at my heart with icy talons. I feel more afraid here than I did facing Shabranigdo… why? What is it that scares me, when there's nothing to be scared of?
What am I doing?
Why can't I face up to this? Why this? This… this faceless fear, lurking in the shadows of my thought, barred to my mind's eye. How can I be afraid of what I cannot see? Maybe I'm cursed. Maybe it'll pass. I don't understand it. I will never understand it. How can I remain unfazed in the face of monster and demon, and yet can't find out what this is that I'm really afraid of? What if I find it? What will I do then?
Why is this so confusing?
What is this? Why can't I put my finger on it and eradicate it? Cepheid knows I eradicate everything else that gets in my path, why should this be any different? I'm like a flame, destroying all in my path, reaping what I need from my destruction. And when that is exhausted, I move on. Funny, I've never thought about it like that before. I always thought there was some justification. Not moral, perhaps, but… justified none the less. I'm a flame, waiting to burn out into oblivion.
Why do I even care?
I'm Lina inverse! Sorceress supreme! I should just forget this and move on. It's what I always do, just live in the moment, one foot in front of the other. I'm a whirlwind, here one moment, gone the next. Hmm… describing myself like that makes me feel so… empty. It's never really occurred to me before. Maybe all of this, looting, searching, eating, maybe it was just a distraction. But a distraction from what? What is this damn thing that's got me so twisted up in knots?
Maybe I know…
Funny… when I'm alone, I think about things… about my past. The memory burned into my mind, superceding all else, is always the same. When I cast the Giga Slave. What if it had gone wrong? What if I had left the entire universe in the balance? I charge through this world, destroying what I cannot use or do not want. And I have the power to. I have that control, but how long before I lose it? What if I become so dependant on my magic that I begin to lose sight of the consequences? That's what's keeping me awake at night. Not some faceless enemy hiding in the mist, I could destroy them on a whim. My fear has been looking me in the eye whenever I face a mirror. I'm afraid of… of myself?
Gods, What have I done?
I'm a monster. I've let the nightmare magics too far into my soul. I can't even differentiate between where I end, and it begins. What have I become? I remember Her, it's hard not to, shining like gold upon the sea of chaos… she is the sea of chaos. She is it and it is she. And now I am a part of it. I'm in too deep now. I'm a danger, chaos incarnate. A hazard to all of them. I have to run, I can't let them risk so much on someone like me. I'll leave. Do it tonight. They'll get over it. There's just one thing I wish I could do…
Lina ghosted out of her room, her feet making no sound on the floor. She was packed, her gear on her back. She padded down the stairs, careful not to make the boards squeak, and headed for the door. She turned back, her crimson eyes tear-filled at the loss of her companions, her friends. "I'm sorry." She whispered, putting one hand on the brass doorknob. "I just can't let myself be a danger to you." She began to turn the knob. A hand closed over hers. Even without turning she knew who it was. There was only one person it could be. She turned, her copper hair seeming black in the dim, blue moonlight. "Zelgadiss…" She whispered.