Why am I running?
It's almost ironic. I am all but invincible, yet I flee like a scared child. And I don't even know what I'm fleeing from. It is strange, almost unnatural. I am used to my fate, somewhat. I will always be searching, possibly never finding what I seek. So why does that terror never fail to freeze my heart within my disfigured chest? Why can't I accept it? What am I hiding?
Why is this happening?
The mistake was mine, I wanted to be strong, but I couldn't pay the price. It was me. It was my fault. I accept it. But do I really? What if I'm lying to myself? Can one lie to oneself? The thought seems ludicrous. But somehow, I think I am. My own words sound false to me. Maybe I've withdrawn too far, my soul beginning to reflect my skin. Maybe I'm just tired. But I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid of what I will see. What I will remember. And I do remember. Sometimes I wish I didn't, because there's always that one part of me that asks 'what if you can never go back?" Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, but what if it's not?
How does this work?
I'm a chimera, I'm impervious to injury, and yet… I feel pain. Not physical pain, I'm still immune, but there's always something, biting at the bottom of my soul like a dog harrying a tattered cloth. Why do I feel it? I should learn to block it out, like I've blocked everything else out. I'm building a wall around myself, as impervious as the hideous rocks imbedded in my malformed skin. And yet, even with this wall, I run away. Am I a coward? I've never considered myself a coward before. I never ran from a fight, never abandoned my friends when they needed me. I'm a monster, but not a coward. What is wrong with me?
What is this?
Why can't I just let this go? I don't even know what it is, but I have to get rid of it. But what is it? What am I so afraid of? Not death, I've tried to die before, as a release, it never worked. I'm not afraid of any monster, what could it do to me? I'm not afraid of my enemies, well, no more than anyone would be, so what is it? What has this power over me?
I figured it out.
I know what it is I fear. I can't believe it almost. It's been staring me in the face. I'm afraid of... I'm afraid of hurting them. Gourry, Amelia, Filia … Lina. I'm afraid of what I might do if I lost control. If I ever fell into a rage, I'd be no better than a Mazoku. I don't want to be like that. That's why I have to find this cure. I don't want to run this risk, not at their peril. That's why I have to do it. I have to leave. They won't miss me, and it will mean that they'll never be in danger because of me. I just wish…
Zelgadiss gathered up his few belongings and walked out of his room, ignoring the sound of Amelia's light breathing in the room beside his, the rumbling snore from behind Gourry's door. His stone feet moved silently across the floorboards, not even making a squeak. As he reached the stairs he looked back down the hall, cobalt eyes flicking over each door. He had to push them into the back of his mind, ignore them. It was the only way to keep them safe. "I hope that you can forget me." He whispered to himself. His gaze lingered on the last door, which was slightly ajar. Lina would be in there, tangled in the bedsheets and dreaming about her next conquest... she was cute when she slept. "I'm sorry." He breathed, finally walking down the stairs. He directed his gaze at the floor, not trusting himself to look back. He was so wrapped up in his own mind, He didn't notice until his hand closed over the doorknob… and another hand. Zelgadiss looked up suddenly in shock. A pale, elfin face, surrounded by an unruly mane of coppery hair, cerise eyes glittering with tears as she breathed his name. Their eyes locked, both of them looking surprised and confused. He opened his mouth, blue stone lips parting slightly, looking as soft as real flesh. "What are you doing here, Lina?"