Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended, but Aiden and the plot are ours. ©2021
S/O to Liz Vesper our wonderful Editor! Thank you so much! And to Connie Hunter-Sanders and BohemianRituals, our pre-readers…we couldn't do it without you ladies!
Chapter 29: Can't Fight This Feeling
Gianna
Time was a funny thing.
It moved at lightning speed, but sometimes it dragged at a snail's pace. And no matter how anyone felt about it, time waited for no one.
But time also healed wounds and changed people. Whether good or bad, nothing remained the same.
At least, that's what people have told me.
In my experience, time was scary and uncaring. In the blink of an eye the life you thought you would have vanished, and you're left to pick up the broken pieces with no guarantee that all your mistakes could be fixed, no matter how hard you've tried or wanted to put them back together.
That being said, time passing wasn't bad. It just was. It's unavoidable.
Time was tricky. It was relieving and suffocating.
But either way, you had to accept it, or you'd stay stuck in the same spot.
So, what have I been doing with time?
Currently, I was walking. It was a bright sunny day, and a mild breeze made it pleasant for a walk. The trees were thick with green leaves and the grass still held a bit of leftover morning dew. Dog walkers, shoppers, and others that strolled like me populated the streets.
It was beautiful, and yet I couldn't appreciate it.
My mind had been cluttered, or more accurately, I was purposely occupying my mind, so I didn't allow myself to think about certain things, and as crazy or unhealthy as it may sound, it worked.
It wasn't comfortable, but it was easier. Well, until today. I was restless. I couldn't sit still, so I got out of the apartment and went on a walk.
And of course, as I went through each area of my life, it was simple to reflect on the things that were right or that didn't need fixing, well at the moment.
If I solely put my attention on that, my life was good.
Work was great. I'd worked hard; staying late the weeks I didn't have Renata, and took on extra projects, assisting wherever I was needed. Because of that, they promoted me to senior web developer. I was happy about the promotion because it was time-consuming.
Edward and I were doing pretty amazing, much better than I could have ever hoped for or imagined. He looked at me now without the resentment or distrust. And we could finally talk to each other.
Where we are now was something I wished for and at one point, I didn't believe it would happen. Even though I knew it would take time, things were just so rocky. I think we will be okay. And that made me happy.
And Renata, she was herself again; her happy-go-lucky, funny, witty, precocious self. And that, that was everything to me. Therapy really helped her. I hate that she needed it at such a young age because of what I did, but it worked for her, well, that and Den. She never stopped talking about her best friend, which was the cutest thing to me. She was happy, and that made me ridiculously happy.
My life was balancing out.
There was nothing more I should ask for.
But I wanted to. I wanted more. I wanted to not feel incomplete. I wished I could find complete happiness in my job and being a mother.
Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the people, and things, in my life, but even with all these good, happy, things happening I still felt… unfinished; like I was just existing, or like I was living half the life I was meant to.
What's worse was I knew what I wanted, knew why I felt the way I felt, but I also knew me getting what I wanted would never happen.
Logically, I knew that, but my heart still needed some time.
And I felt guilty about that.
What right did I have to want something—someone—that I shouldn't have ever had? I hurt him, yet it didn't make me want him back any less, which added to the guilt.
But it didn't stop there, because I liked to suppress things.
I didn't want to think because I didn't want to deal with my feelings for him… for Lucas. I knew I needed to let him go, but I didn't want to. I wasn't ready.
Even though there was nothing for me to hold on to.
Even if it meant feeling like this.
I sighed as I looked up at the sign. 'Touch of Butter.'
I blinked, suddenly wanting to cry.
This was where it all started.
This was where I came when he wouldn't talk to me, when I missed him and wanted to feel close to him.
This was also the same place I avoided when he wouldn't talk to me, and I felt thousands of miles away from him. Like what we had—even though it was wrong—wasn't real.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I went inside.
"Welcome in." A young woman smiled. "What can I get you?"
"Hi." I smiled back half-heartedly and glanced at the display. "Uh, can I get the apricot twist?"
"Comin right up."
While she prepared my order, I looked around the bakery. It had been a while since I'd been here. It looked the same and smelled the same, but it didn't feel the same, or at least, not the way it felt when Lucas and I would come here.
"Here you go."
I grabbed the plate from her. "Thank you."
Without thinking about it, I headed to our regular booth, a corner one in the back. It was the perfect spot. It provided privacy, but didn't completely close us off from the world.
Before I could reminisce about the good times we had here, or set my stuff down, I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.
"Lucas?" I breathed out.
His head snapped up.
For a few moments, we stared at each other.
He still looked the same, but maybe a little tired.
"Uh." He cleared his throat and looked down at his mug. "Hey." He mumbled.
"What are you doing here?"
He held up his mug.
Dumb question.
"H-how are you?"
He snorted, still looking down at his mug.
I watched him, hoping he would say something… anything.
"Right." I nodded once. "Have a good… bye Lucas." I turned to walk away.
There were so many things I wanted to say, or to ask, but he didn't want to talk to me, and that hurt, but I wouldn't push. I didn't have the right.
"Gianna." I paused. "Have a seat." He whispered.
I slowly released a breath. "Are you sure?"
"Not really."
I turned back to him. "I don't have to stay, not if you don't want me t-"
"Just sit down."
I slowly walked back to the booth and sat down. I was afraid that if I moved too fast, that he would change his mind and want me to leave, or worse, get up and leave himself.
He sipped on his coffee and remained quiet while I picked at my food. Was it possible that he came to this bakery, to our spot, because he, or some part of him, wanted to be close to me? That he missed me, too?
Yeah, my heart needed more time.
As the bakery filled with more customers and indistinctive chatter, the silence, no tension, grew between us. It outweighed the noise that surrounded us. I couldn't take it.
I pushed my plate to the side. "How are you?"
I knew it was unfair of me to ask that, but I wanted, no needed, to know.
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"Yes." I blurted.
He put his elbow on the table and cupped his hand over his mouth, looking at me, seeing through me.
"I want to know." I hoped he could see the truth and sincerity in my eyes.
"How am I doing?" He shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. "How am I doing?" He scratched his forehead and sighed. "I'm fine."
I know it didn't make me look good in anyone's book, but I know this man, I know he's lying. "Lucas." My tone was more accusatory than I meant it to be.
"What were you expecting me to say? What were you expecting me to do?" He frowned. "Pour my heart out to you, hmm?"
I opened and closed my mouth, but nothing came out.
"How was I supposed to answer that?" He raised his eyebrows.
"I-I… I don't know." I bit my lip to keep my emotions in check, to keep from crying again.
"Exactly."
"I wasn't trying to pressure you; I wanted to know, I ca- I just wanted to know."
I was going to say I cared about him, but I doubt he wanted to hear that.
He wouldn't look at me. His gaze bounced from place to place.
Maybe this was too much for him, maybe the best thing I could do for him right now was walk away. Just the idea caused it to feel like tiny sharp needles were stabbing me in my chest, but I would do it for him.
I grabbed my purse and started to scoot out of the booth, but he grabbed my wrist.
My breath hitched; I hadn't felt his touch in months. I slowly blinked and when I opened my eyes, dark brown eyes burned into mine.
"Not yet." He looked away from me. "Don't go."
I swallowed. "I won't."
He released my wrist, covered his eyes with the psalms of his hands and let out a heavy sigh.
I scooted back down to my spot and reached for him, but decided against it and pulled my hand back.
I felt a tightness in my throat.
That look was on his face again. The one that haunted me.
I had only seen that painful expression on his face once before, and I'd been the reason it was there that time too, when he found out I was married.
Lucas removed his hands from his eyes and forced a laugh. "I thought after all this time I would've been past this by now, been over you." He frowned.
Hearing that was like a punch in the gut. But I had to accept it. This is what I did. I caused this.
I sighed dejectedly. "Lu-" He cut me off.
"I went on a date, several actually. Sage is her name." He cleared his throat. "We met at a bar. She's beautiful, smart, patient, and funny. She's a nurse, and she's single. She wanted to have sex last night, hell I wanted to, but I just…."
I turned my head and blinked away the tears that threated to roll down my cheeks. I bit my lip and exhaled before I looked at him again.
I didn't have any right to be hurt, upset, or jealous about what he said. But I was.
"Sometimes I hate that I ever met you." His nostrils flared. "I wish I could go back to that day and just walk right by you; I wish I never talked to you."
I looked down at the table. "I can understand that."
"I just want to get over you. I've tried… and I can't."
"I'm sorry."
"I should be able to get over you. After everything you did, I should be able to move on, so why can't I?"
This was killing me, but maybe I deserved it.
"I don't know." I sniffled.
"Is that all you have to say?" His voice was gruff.
"I'm sorry."
"Will you stop saying that?" He was frustrated.
"No, I can't."
"Why? It's not like it fixes anything."
"Because I am." I looked up from the table. "I know my actions said otherwise, and I know it's hard for you to believe me, but I am sorry, so sorry, sorrier than you realize." My voice cracked. "I'm sorry for what I did to you, I'm sorry that I lied and…" I paused. "I'm sorry that you can't move on." That felt terrible to say. "But I cannot say I regret meeting you, talking to you, or loving you." I shook my head. "I can't do it, I can't. I love you too much to do that."
His forehead wrinkled. "Don't say that." He muttered.
"It's true."
"It doesn't change anything."
"I know."
"I want it to."
"Me too."
We held each other's gaze and for a split second I allowed myself to act like we weren't having the conversation we were, and remember how we used to come here after a night out; a movie, dinner, dancing, or whatever we decided to do. And how he would smile at me, how his eyes would sparkle, how he would hold my hand, how he would kiss me. How he made me feel like the only girl in the world.
I missed that.
A look passed over his face, one I had never seen before or could describe.
"I want to forgive you." He whispered.
"Can you?"
"I don't know."
Bella
The next day…
Men sucked.
They didn't listen, they're impatient, they made assumptions, and they killed all warm tingly feelings you had. Well, maybe not all of them.
Men were just, they just… ugh.
They sucked!
They told you they thought you're beautiful, but acted weird the next day, then brushed you off, then told you they liked you.
I mean, what was that?
Men were confusing.
They were sucky, confusing, vibe killing creatures.
Well, don't you sound joyful?
I sound like I'm telling the truth.
No, you sound sulky.
I do not, I'm just…
Pitiful, hypocritical, sad.
No, I wasn't going to say any of that.
I can throw out a couple of other options.
I think I can do without them.
Just trying to help you realize you're at fault too.
I appreciate that, but I thought you were supposed to make me feel better?
I will, eventually.
I sighed and closed my eyes, pointing my face toward the sun.
Like I said, men sucked.
"I couldn't do it. I couldn't." Demetri said.
Alice, Rose, and Angela laughed.
"You said you wouldn't laugh." He whined.
"It's too funny not to laugh." Rose giggled.
"What's funny?" I turned toward him.
"Bella." He scoffed. "You weren't listening this whole time?"
"Sorry, I was just, my mind was… I'm listening now."
"You're making me relive something very traumatic." He said, dramatically.
"Oh, please Demetri." Angela rolled her eyes. "It was far from traumatic."
He pointed at her. "Don't diminish my pain."
"Stop it." Alice chuckled and slapped his hand.
"I got lunch." Ivey said as she walked over to us. "And look, Dakota put it in this cute basket." She held up a wide wicker basket and sat down on the big green, black and yellow plaid blanket.
Today was our free day. We didn't have anything planned, so we decided on a picnic in the fields while the guys went horseback riding and the kids went fishing with Bailey.
I was kid free and, thankfully, man free. Well, kind of. But that doesn't seem to matter anyway cause here I was, thinking about a man, again, instead of laughing at whatever ridiculous story Demetri just told. This was supposed to be girl time. We were supposed to be catching up with each other. At least that's what Alice said, but if you asked me, it didn't make sense. What do we have to catch up on? We've all seen each other every day since we've been here?
Those were the exact words I told Alice, and her response? "Things, so you better be there. It's not like you have anything exciting to do, right?"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my older sister. Wasn't she lovely? And, unfortunately, the hobbit was right. Before we came out here, I was in my cabin, thinking about a man.
But now it's totally different.
I'm outside, having 'girl time,' plus Demetri, and thinking about a man.
"What were you guys talking about?" Ivey crossed her legs and opened the basket.
"Demetri was about to tell me something that happened to him today." I said as she pulled out some cheese, crackers, and… "Oh grapes, gimme." I held my hand out for the bowl.
Maybe I could eat my feelings.
Ivey handed me the bowl. "Go ahead, Demetri." I popped a grape into my mouth.
"Give me a second." He inhaled. "I have to muster up the strength."
"Oh my god." Alice groaned.
Demetri blew out a breath. "So, we all went to the stables with Lawson and Levi. I was ready, excited, prepared as you can see." He waved his hand up and down his clothes, jeans, a flannel shirt, and boots. "Levi took me to the horse that was supposed to be mine, but before we got there, I felt weird and I knew something wasn't right." He paused, looking between Ivey and I. "And I was right. My horse, not normal."
Ivey snorted. "What?" She set out barbecued chicken salad sandwiches, potato salad, melons, strawberries, celery and carrot sticks.
"I'm serious." He turned toward her.
"Uh, okay." She looked at me and widened her eyes. I shrugged.
"It looked like it sniffed a bad batch of hay or something. It was scary, his eyes were so… odd looking, dazed; dilated pupils maybe, and it was chewing on something. Practically foaming at the mouth and staring at me the whole time. Ooh." His body shook. "I didn't feel safe and no one would trade with me and there weren't any more horses. I wasn't going to wind up on an episode of Untamed and Uncut; when horses go haywire, so here I am. Pass me the strawberries."
"Wow." I slowly nodded my head. "That must have been very hard for you."
"It was." He took a bite of his sandwich. "And can you believe Avery, my boyfriend, said I was imagining things?" He rolled his eyes. "That I was overacting. He wasn't supportive, not one bit. Men never understand. They're complicated."
"You're a man." Ivey frowned.
"An extraordinary one. There's a difference. The guys aren't like me." He pointed to his self. "And I get that everyone can't be like me. It takes a lot of work, I know. It's easier to be…" He paused, tilting his head from side to side. "Regular, normal and there's nothing wrong with that, so coming from another man, trust me when I say men are complicated, my boyfriend included."
I snorted. "You can say that again."
Simultaneously, everyone turned to me.
Shit, did I say that out loud?
Yes, yes you did.
You think if I stay quiet, they'll act like I didn't just say that?
Nope.
Yeah, I thought so. Maybe I could play dumb.
I think you've done enough of that.
Was that supposed to be funny?
But is it true, think about that?
"Um." Alice blinked. "Is there something you want to say, Bella?"
"No." I scoffed. "Wh-why would you think that?" I chuckled. It sounded nervous to me.
"Oh, I don't know." She said sarcastically and shrugged. "Maybe because you agreed with what Demetri said."
"Come on, most women would agree with that."
"I don't think men are complicated. What about you, Rose?" She turned toward her.
"Well." Rose sighed. "I'm dating Emmett and he's a really odd, but great, mix of child and man, so… I'm not sure if I'm the right one to answer this."
"Huh." Alice chewed on the inside of her cheek. "Right." She turned to Angela. "What about you? What do you think?"
"Men in general, I would say no, but specifically Ben, yes. And I love him, god knows I do but he could be a little annoying sometimes, but I'm sure he'd say the same about me." Angela shrugged.
"Okay." Alice nodded. "That's fair, and what do you say, Ivey?"
"I would say no, in this moment." Ivey chuckled.
"And we already know Demetri's answer, even if it is clouded by very dramatic, irrational emotions, but h-"
"Hey." Demetri frowned. "My feelings are valid. All I'm saying is he didn't have to laugh; my safety was compromised." He bit into a strawberry aggressively. "I mean, I'm the love of his life and he showed me no sympathy. That's unacceptable."
Alice looked at him for a couple of seconds before she turned her head back to me. "Anyway, as I was saying, he was talking about his boyfriend."
"Okay?" I drug the word out. "And your point is?"
"My point is why do you, a single woman who is not dating, think men are complicated? Actually, I'll just cut to the chase." She smiled. "Are there any man related things you'd like to tell us about?"
"How did you get that from a simple comment?"
Alice shrugged. "Call it a hunch."
"And that means I have man related thing to talk about?"
"Maybe it does."
"Well, I don't." I didn't have man things going on… they're Edward things. Totally different.
Are you playing dumb again?
"I don't believe you." Alice crossed her arms.
"I don't care." I crossed my arms, too.
"Mm-hmm." She hummed, looking at me with narrowed eyes and pursed lips.
"Don't look at me like that."
"I'm not looking at you any kind of way." She pursed her lips even more.
"Yes, you are. You're giving me the judgy, I know you're lying, and I know something you don't face." She's been giving me that look since we were kids.
"You know, I think she's right." Demetri leaned over to look at Alice. "I can feel the intensity of it."
"Tell us." Alice said.
"There's nothing to tell."
"Yes, there is."
"Why are you interrogating me?" I asked.
Alice raised her eyebrows. "Why are you getting defensive?"
"Hey." Rose looked between Alice and I. "Both of you need to relax."
"I'm fine." Alice shrugged.
"Yeah, just peachy." I mumbled.
Rose elbowed Alice and pointed her head in my direction. She whispered something I couldn't hear.
Alice blew out a breath. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to interrogate you."
"It's okay." I knew she didn't mean any harm.
"Now will you stop acting like a baby and tell us what's going on?"
But she was pushy.
"Alice." Rose slapped her arm, and I threw a grape at her.
"We all wanted to know; I was just the only one who had the balls to ask you."
"She is right." Demetri nodded.
"We didn't want to be nosey." Ivey said.
"I mean, I would have, but…" Rose trailed off.
"But," Angela shoved Rose. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
I don't know why you did all of that. You know you want to talk about it.
Yeah, but…
But nothing. Does it always have to feel like pulling teeth talking to you?
It's not like pulling teeth. I'm just not quick to share information.
Were you trying to prove my point?
I guess it wouldn't hurt to get outside opinions, cause clearly, I'm not getting anywhere on my own.
Maybe I wasn't being fair, or seeing it from his side even though his side didn't make sense, like at all.
I blew out a breath through my nose. "Fine, I'll tell you." I set the bowl of grapes down. "Edward told me h-"
"Wait." Rose held up her hand. "This is about Edward?"
"Yeah." I nodded my head.
"You've got to be kidding me." Alice rolled her eyes.
"Who did you think this would be about?" I frowned.
"Colton." Angela, Rose, Ivey and Alice said together.
"Why would I talk about him?"
"Because he's been flirting with you since we got here." Ivey said.
I waved my hand dismissively. "Well, I'm not talking about him."
"So, you're not interested in him?" Demetri asked.
I shook my head.
"Really?" Alice raised her eyebrows.
"No." I sighed
"That's surprising." Rose said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because he seems like your type."
"I don't have a type."
"You do have a t-"
"She said she's not interested, so let's drop it." Demetri said.
"Thank you." I said.
"Yeah, thanks." Alice said sarcastically.
"What did Edward do?" Rose asked.
"It happened last night. Colton and I were t-"
"Talking?" Demetri wiped his mouth with a napkin. "About what? What did he say?"
"I'm trying to tell you."
"Sorry, my bad. Go ahead." Demetri leaned in, seeming more interested than necessary.
"Uh." I scooted over. "Colton asked me if we could talk."
Flashback:
"All in all, they did pretty good." Dakota smiled.
I chuckled. These rope burns said something completely different.
"Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" Colton whispered in my ear.
I nodded and leaned over to Aiden. "I'll be right back."
Colton led me over to a big tree not too far from where everyone else was.
"So, I, uh, wanted to, um… this is really awkward." He let out a nervous chuckle.
"What's awkward?" I frowned.
"I wanted to apologize to you."
I crossed my arms. "Okay, for what?"
"Flirting." He blew out a breath. "I think I may have come on a little too strong, so I wanted to apologize."
Well, he had been very friendly, and helpful, very helpful, since we'd been here. And he gave compliments, a lot of them. And seemed to be nearby often.
Yeah, he came on strong.
"Oh, uh okay. Thank you."
He sighed and looked down. "I don't mean to be overbearing." He looked back up at me. "But can I be honest with you?"
"Sure."
"I think you're beautiful." He smiled. "And again, I don't mean to be forward, but you seem like a great person and I would really like to get to know you."
"Really?" I looked away. How could he want to get to know me? We hadn't had any real conversations before.
"Yeah, of course. If you're single, I mean. Are you single?"
I couldn't help but to laugh. "You ask me that after admitting to flirting with me? That seems backwards."
He smiled and shrugged. "I may do things a bit out of order, but when I know what I want, I don't waste time."
"Is that so?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, it is." He nodded his head once. "So, are you single?"
Oooo tenacious, are you sure we couldn't like him?
In another world, maybe.
Well, let's take a peek at that world.
Are you serious?
What? You're single and he's drool worthy.
Yeah, but he kinda reminds me of Alec.
When he was likeable.
True, but still…
If you want to grow old alone and never have sex again, just say that.
Not at all what I'm saying.
You might as well buy the granny panties now.
"Am I single?" I mumbled to myself. "I'm…" An image of Edward's face popped into my head. "Uh, technically, I guess, yeah." I bit the inside of my cheek.
"You don't sound too confident in your answer."
"It's…" I paused. "Complicated?" It sounded more like a question than an answer.
"So, you're saying I have a chance?" He raised his eyebrows.
I chuckled. "Not exactly."
I knew the only reason I was telling him no, outside of the Alec thing, was because of Edward. The need to remain loyal to someone who was just supposed to be a friend didn't make any sense, but just the thought of saying yes to Colton, to entertaining him, seemed wrong.
"Oh." He put his hand over his chest. "You're breaking my heart."
"I think you'll live."
"Yeah." He sighed. "I just have to pick my face up off the floor." He bent down, acting as if he picked something up and patted his face.
"Sorry." I laughed, causing him to laugh.
"It's okay." He repositioned his hat on his head. "He's a lucky guy, whoever he is."
"Mmm." I hummed. Yeah, if only he knew.
"Be honest with me?" He took a step toward me. "You weren't interested in me at all?" He smiled, showing off his white teeth and dimples. His blue eyes sparkled.
Oh, he was good, really good.
My god, are you sure? Like really, really sure, like so sure we won't wonder about him in three years, sure?
Yep.
"Nope." I popped the p.
He sucked his teeth. "Damn, you're really bruising my ego."
"Truth hurts." I shrugged.
"Well, can't blame a guy for trying." He smiled. "I should let you get back to dinner, but I just wanted to know that."
"Bella, can I talk to you?" Edward said from behind me.
End flashback.
"Then Edward told me he liked me as more than a friend and walked away."
"Just to confirm you do like Edward, right?" Angela asked.
"Yes."
"As more than a friend?" Ivey asked.
"Yes."
"Then why didn't you stop him from walking away?" Rose asked.
"I tried to." I said.
"You should have just said it. It's not like you had anything to lose." Alice said.
"I-I was going to." I snorted. "I've been trying to since we kissed."
"Whoa." Ivey said.
"What?" Angela smiled.
"You kissed him?" Rose asked.
"I hoped you shoved your tongue down his throat." Demetri smirked.
"That's nasty." Alice pointed at Demetri. "Don't do that. And when did this happen?"
I really needed to stop saying everything out loud.
Yeah, that might be something to work on.
"On my birthday."
"I thought she said she didn't want to do anything." Rose mumbled.
"Not with us, apparently." Demetri said.
"That was months ago." Alice's brow wrinkled.
"I know." I groaned.
"And you couldn't tell him yesterday when he told you?" Ivey asked.
"I froze. I wasn't expecting him to say that to me."
And by the time I got back to the campfire, Edward and Renata were gone.
"Did you try to say anything today?" Alice asked.
"I… planned to." I was going to; I was just trying to work out what I wanted to say to him.
"Excuses." Demetri coughed.
"Shut up." I shoved him. "I didn't say anything, yet, because… cause I…"
Honestly, I was kind of upset with Edward and I couldn't put my finger on what or why I felt this way. But I didn't want to tell them. If anyone should hear about how I felt, it should be him.
That would be a nice change for once, telling him something… anything.
I see you're being talkative today.
Not like I have anything else to do.
"Because?" Angela nodded slowly.
"I don't know what to say to him." That's as close to the truth as I could get.
"You don't know what to say." Demetri frowned. "I'll tell you what to say. Actually, I'll tell you what to do, since he can't stay still, hog tie him and stick an apple to his mouth and tell him." He nodded.
"Then replace the apple with your tongue." Rose smiled.
"Yes." Demetri put his hand up. Rose gave him a high five. "I knew it, me and you, we're here." He waved his pointer and middle finger from his eyes to hers. "We just get each other."
I rolled my eyes. "But I'm not sticking my tongue anywhere."
That's too bad.
What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like some hormonal teenager?
Why aren't you? You've been indisposed for so long, and now you have two attractive men who want your attention.
"You should. It'll help you think better—you know, do something to your endorphins. It's science." Demetri nodded.
"No, that's sex, and she's clearly not…" Alice trailed off, shook her head and chuckled.
Rose sucked her teeth. "That's true."
See, everybody knows.
I looked at Angela and Ivey. "Why do I talk to them?"
I'm telling you. Older sisters… can't live with them and… actually, that's it. You can't live with them.
"Hey, don't be like that. We do this cause we care." Alice said.
"Yeah." Rose nodded. "It's for your safety."
"That's… terrible." I said.
"You said you didn't know what to say to him. Why?" Ivey asked.
Back on topic, thankfully.
"He's been all over the place with me. One minute we're good and the next he's not acting like himself and then he's saying he likes me, not that it's a bad thing. It's just confusing."
"Allow me to add another perspective for you." Demetri sighed. "A guy who has liked a girl for a while, but didn't say anything, goes on a vacation. Let's say a ranch and an unbelievably good-looking guy is… uh, how can I say this? Interested, and makes his intentions known pretty quick. The girl's friend probably wouldn't be happy, act like his normal self… You see where I'm going with this?"
"Uh." I nodded my head a couple of times. "No." I shook my head.
Demetri blinked at me. "Clueless was just supposed to be a movie, babe."
"Are you saying Edward is jealous because of Colton?" Ivey asked.
"Oh, thank god." Demetri put his hand over his heart. "Someone got it. For a second, I thought it was me." He chuckled.
"Why didn't you just say that?" I rolled my eyes.
"I did. The question is why didn't you understand that?" Demetri said.
That's a good question, even I got what he was saying.
"What reason would he have to be jealous?" I frowned.
"Well." Angela bit her lip. "Colton hasn't exactly been subtle."
"He wasn't that bad." I thought about the last four days we'd been here. "Okay, maybe it was a little much, but I didn't know Edward noticed."
"He noticed." Demetri gave a knowing look.
"And how would you know?" I tilted my head to the side.
"I'm not telling you; you know the saying bro's before…" He paused, looking at all our faces.
"What were you about to say?" Ivey narrowed her eyes.
"Other people, duh." He chuckled.
"Mm-hmm. What happened?" I crossed my arms.
"Nothing happened." Demetri said.
"Then how do you know Edward noticed anything? You sounded pretty factual there." Alice asked.
"I just know. You'll have to trust me."
"Will you just tell us? He already told her he liked her. What could he not want her to know after that?" Rose said.
Demetri blew out a breath and looked at me. "I'm only going to tell you this because I love you and I think you two should be together."
"How nice of you." Angela said sarcastically.
"And." Demetri held up a finger. "Because this proves I was right all along."
"I think you mean we." Alice said, pointing at herself, Rose, Angela and Ivey.
"Yeah, you too, I guess." Demetri waved his hand. "Anyway, while we were hiking, Colton might have asked something along the lines of wanting to know if you had someone waiting back home, and Edward didn't seem to like it."
I slapped his arm. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It wasn't my business; I didn't want to pry."
"Excuse me?" Angela lifted a single eyebrow.
"What?" Demetri frowned.
"You expect us to believe that? You pry all the time." Angela said.
He gasped. "I do no such thing."
"Uh yeah, you do." Angela nodded.
"No, I don't."
"You do pry, but we'll deal with that later. Answer my question." I said.
"I was waiting for the right moment, but Colton beat me to it." Demetri said. "Besides, you don't like him anyway, so it doesn't matter."
I rubbed my hand over my face. "Why didn't he just tell me?"
"What was he gonna say? Hey Bella, I don't like that another guy is hitting on you. Tell him to stop." Rose said.
"Not those words exactly, but something would have been nice." I huffed.
"I'm confused." Ivey said. "What's the issue here?"
"Yeah, it's hard to read you. You said you like him too, but…" Alice trailed off.
"I do, it's just." I exhaled. "Like I said, he's been all over the place."
"What are you going to do?" Demetri asked.
"Obviously, I'm going to talk to him, and we'll go from there. If he doesn't walk away again." I rolled my eyes.
Maybe tying him up wouldn't be a bad idea, but instead of an apple, I would use duct tape… heavy duty duct tape.
"I'm gonna play devil's advocate here." Alice bit her lip and stared at me. "Didn't you say you froze after he told you?"
"Yeah." I shrugged one shoulder.
"Well, how long did you freeze?" She crossed her legs. "Is it possible that he got nervous waiting for you to say something?"
"He didn't even give me a chance to sa-"
"And need I remind you said that you knew you liked him after the kiss, but you didn't say anything to him?"
"I, well, technically… I… um." I stumbled over my words.
I mean, I guess I could've, you know…
"Look B, I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but it's time to get it together. He likes you, you like him, that's half the battle. Just talk to him, make him listen, without the extra comments about him walking away, considering you said nothing yourself."
"Alice is right." Demetri winked. "You gotta have some chutzpah, and please for me… us." He pointed between him and Rose. "Hell yourself, shove your tongue down his throat."
STB
Chutzpah, my ass. I was nervous.
Is it good nerves? Like there's an undertone of excitement.
I don't know. My stomach feels like it's about to fall out of my ass. Is that good or bad?
It doesn't sound like rainbows and butterflies, that's for sure.
So, I'm guessing you're saying that would be the bad kind of nervous?
Relax, take a breath. All you're going to do is talk.
You mean expose all my feelings.
Edward already did. Now, it's your turn.
Right. You're right.
I paced the length of the porch of Edward's cabin… again.
He should be back any minute. I saw them putting the horses back in the stables.
I could do this. I took a few deep breaths. I would do this.
Even if I was feeling twitchy inside.
Logically, I knew I had no reason to be nervous, at least not about how I felt about Edward. But we… he hasn't been himself. And I knew what I needed to tell him, but I wasn't sure how the conversation would go, exactly. I knew I had to tell him how I felt, and not just the cute, mushy ones. If anything was happening between us, we… I had to do something different.
"Bella?" I turned; Edward stood at the bottom of the steps. "Uh, wh-what's up?" He cleared his throat.
"I need to talk to you."
"We don't have to do-"
"And I need you to listen. You don't have to say anything or do anything, just listen."
He looked down, rubbed his neck, and nodded his head.
"Okay." I exhaled. "I like you; I've liked you as more than a friend since after we kissed."
He looked up at me. "Wait, what? Um…" He shook his head. "You do?"
"Yes." I nodded. "And I was going to tell you that day at the park, but you said you wanted to be friends and I lost my nerve. I didn't want to be rejected or ruin what we just fixed, but I should have told you, anyway. I didn't, and that's my fault." I pointed to my chest. "I haven't handled this as best as I could. I was hesitant, and I get that you may have been too, but…" I paused, thinking about what I wanted to say exactly.
"But?" Edward raised his brows.
"We've both acted like kids this whole time. Still…" I chuckled and shook my head.
He snorted. "Yeah, we have."
"At least we can both acknowledge that."
He nodded and inhaled. "What do we do now?"
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "We have to talk."
"Talk?" He chuckled nervously.
"I think it's necessary, because I'm not sure if we've actually done that in the last few days."
"That's… okay, let's talk." He slowly nodded.
"I am… was… kind of upset with you, since last night."
I still couldn't put my finger on why, but it was nagging at me… poking me.
"Oh." He rubbed his forehead.
I half-heartedly shrugged my shoulder. "You called me beautiful and held my hand, and that did something to me, turned me into a teenage girl with a crush. And I played that in my head over and over again. The next day, everything was fine, and we're good until the shooting range. Something was bothering you and I wanted to know, but you walked away. I didn't want to push, so I let it go, because you told me you were fine, and because you didn't want to talk. But then you brushed me off for two days and-"
"No." He frowned. "That's not what that was, I would ne-"
"I'm talking, you're listening. Remember?"
He sighed, but nodded his head.
"It felt like you didn't want to be bothered with me. I thought I upset you somehow, so imagine my surprise when you told me you liked me."
"Bella, I would never intentionally…"
"It's frustrating." I cut him off. "Especially because I asked you, earlier that day, if we were good, and you yes; instead of telling me what was bothering you. And that is what we said we wouldn't do. We promised we would talk to each other, and neither of us did that."
"I'm sorry."
I shook my head. "Don't be. It's not like it was just you. And it's made me realize something." I sighed. "We need to work on our communication, because apparently we can tell each other everything, except how we feel about each other."
He crossed his arms, let out a deep breath, and rolled his eyes.
He knew I was telling the truth.
"Look, I told you that you were important to me, and I meant that. You're very important." I nodded and smiled. "But I haven't done this." I point between us. "Felt this way, in a long time and it scares me a little, and obviously I'm rusty, but I'm not oblivious to what you've been through. I'm sure you're scared too, but I can't g-" I cut myself off.
It hit me then, why I was upset.
"You are making me nervous here. You can't what?" Edward stepped closer.
"We've wasted a lot of time not being completely honest with each other so I'm saying this, not trying to be a hypocrite or make you feel bad, but instead of talking to me you walked away from me twice and I really don't like that." I held my hands out with my palms up. "I can't get into another relationship where we don't tell each other the important stuff, like our feelings, because you are that important to me and if it means staying friends—which is not what I want to do—to keep our relationship intact then maybe that's what we should d-"
"No." He shook his head. "No, we can't say all of this and just stay friends."
"I don't want us to. That's not what I'm saying."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I want us to tell each other everything no matter what, like when we were just friends, but I also want more than friendship with you. I want to date, or be in a relationship, or whatever thirty-year olds are calling it now."
"Me too."
"Are you ready to be in a relationship again? To communicate with each other about everything?"
"Bella I-"
"Mommy." Aiden yelled. "Come look at the fish me and Ren caught." He, Renata, and Bailey stood on the stairs of the mess hall.
"Okay, I'll be right over." I smiled at him before I turned back to Edward. "Just think about what I said, okay?"
"Okay." He nodded, but didn't sound or look happy.
"This doesn't have to be a bad thing." I closed the space that was left between us. "We just both need to be sure, because it would affect more than just us." I look over at the kids.
"You're right."
"I know." I gave a small smile.
"No one likes a know it all." He smirked.
"True, but you like me so…" I shrugged.
He snorted. "Is this how it's gonna be from now on?"
"Maybe." I grinned at him, and he grinned back at me.
For the first time in a couple of days, I felt like we were us again.
"I should get to the kids." I said.
"Okay."
"Okay." I didn't move, and neither did he.
I had to try something.
"I'll see later." I leaned in, kissed his cheek, and stepped back.
He blinked. "Y-Yeah, later."
"Alright then." I nodded once and headed toward the mess hall.
"Hey." Edward said.
I turned around, walking backwards.
"Are you walking away from me now?"
I chuckled. "Never." I turned back.
It wasn't his throat, but his cheek will do. For now.
"Yeah, for now." I chuckled.
A/N: A huge THANK YOU for all of your reviews, follows and favorites. We enjoy reading your theories and your encouraging words.
Okay, so… Bella finally got a chance to tell Edward how she felt. What are your thoughts?
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RECS: Seven Nights, by Pattyrose, what starts out as a relaxing seven-night Caribbean cruise with her friends and boyfriend turns out to be much more than Isabella Swan bargained for. That is, once Edward Masen boards the ship.
No Ordinary Proposal, by Twilover, Bella wants to escape her small-town life and live her dreams in New York. What happens when a man almost twice her ages makes her an offer she can't refuse?