This was written for a close friend of mine who had been going through a rough time.I don't own The Slayers or the lyrics to the song.
"Dirty Little Secret" - All-American Rejects
Dirty Little Secret
Let
me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I
go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Sighing, she set her fork down, unable to force down another bite. The food was excellent. Her companion had told her several times. Too bad she couldn't taste it. The rich flavors she once happily enjoyed were just a distant memory now. Watching her companion shovel food into his mouth only served to remind her of what she had gained.
What she had lost.
She knew her sudden lack of appetite made him worry, and she wondered how much longer it would be before he found out why. He promised not to leave her, but soon she would be the one leaving. She'd made promises. Sacrifices.
Tell
me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna
play
You are the only one that needs to know
"Are you sure?" She wasn't, but there was no turning back. "Do you wonder what it will be like?" No. "Not even a little?" She hated it when he teased her. He always knew more than he let on, and had come to accept that. From the moment she had given him her decision he brought up the others. "My my, what will they say?" He remarked.
She didn't tell him she thought about that.
"And your sister?" She refused to let him see how his comments hurt, but he knew. The others saw her faults, and loved her anyway. He saw her faults and exploited them. Just like he had exploited her and the others. She didn't like to admit she used her friends in much the same way, many times.
I'll keep you my dirty
little secret
(Dirty little secret)
She had feelings for someone, but they weren't the one she wanted. They weren't the one she dreamt about.
Don't tell
anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope
that you can keep it)
She begged him not to tell them. He never said he would, and he never said he wouldn't. He smiled.
My dirty little secret
"I hate it."
Who has to know
When we live such
fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time
or two
Just to waste my time with you
Life. Death. She was familiar with both. The precarious situations she survived in recent years made her all too aware of that. She made a reputation for herself, her exploits were infamous.
She never gave a thought to who or what knew of her. When he appeared and began systematically using her and the others she was appalled. Not by his admission, but by how comfortable she was with him.
Some small part she refused to acknowledge that she enjoyed it. Enjoyed being used by him. He knew, and so he stayed.
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find
out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to
know
Jealousy. An emotion she wasn't familiar with. Envy, sure. Anger, absolutely. She couldn't say she had ever been jealous of anyone before she showed up. She hated seeing him with her. It was as if he'd forgotten about them.
Rationally, she knew why he paid her such special attention, but that didn't mean she liked it. Couldn't he see how much she was willing to give up for him?
She laughed off her young friend's attempts at matchmaking, and tried not be jealous. She would never call him those awful names…unless that's what he wanted.
I'll keep you my dirty
little secret
(Dirty little secret)
All she saw a was a monster. She wasn't afraid of monsters.
Don't tell
anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope
that you can keep it)
They helped her and he left, and she wondered when (hoped) he would show up again.
My dirty little secret
That darkness in her kept growing.
Who has to know
This was getting so hard to ignore.
The way she feels inside (inside)
When had she wanted something-anything so badly?
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
"Are you feeling okay?" Her companion asks. "I'm fine." She can't meet his gaze.
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
She hated when he was mentioned.
And all I've tried to hide
They were beginning to notice, to worry.
It's eating me apart
"We want to help." They couldn't. She was beyond help.
Trace this line back
Eventually she stopped fighting it.
I'll keep you my dirty little
secret
(Dirty little secret)
"What do we say?" Please. "Please…what?"
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another
regret
(Just another regret)
She couldn't stand to look in the mirror anymore
I'll
keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
She can feel her companion's eyes on her as they leave the café. He saw how little she ate. When did he become so observant? "Lets go!" She announces, forcing enthusiasm. "There are bandits somewhere in need of a good beat down."
He isn't following. "What's wrong?" She asks. "Aren't you forgetting?" What could she have forgotten? "This isn't like you." He says. No. He couldn't know. "The birthday party." Oh. She smiles sheepishly.
Their young friend's birthday. "Of course!" "Its this way." He gestures in the opposite direction. "I knew that." She grabs his arm and drags him along. "C'mon." "If you say so…"
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another
regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
"She's barely eaten anything." "Are you sure, Mr. Gourry?" "A few weeks ago she turned down dessert." "Maybe it's just…that…time of the month." "Trust me, Amelia. Even that doesn't effect her appetite."
"But Mr. Zelgadis-" "I have some tea that might help, Mr. Gourry." She stood just outside the door, listening quietly. They suspected something was wrong. As long as they didn't know what. "Even daddy noticed. He said she seemed nervous."
"Gourry, did something happen between you two?" She wanted to laugh. What did they have between them? The crush on her companion had long since faded.
My dirty little secret
She heard the discussion break up. "Miss Luna might know. What about trying to contact her?" Nee-chan? No! They couldn't! Her sister would take one look at her and know. She couldn't keep anything from Nee-chan.
It was Nee-chan who sent her. Nee-chan's disapproval was more than she could take. "Please," She whispered. "Anyone but Nee-chan." Why was she shaking?
Dirty little secret
"Eavesdropping? Not quite your style." "They-they want to help." She choked out. "Then perhaps you should tell them." "No!" He smiled. "I can tell them, if you prefer." She shook her head. "Don't." She pleaded.
She wished fervently that she had the strength to kill him. He knew and his smile widened. In the time since they first met, he had been audience to the various parts of her personality.
The ones he liked best were her reactions to his manipulations. "Wouldn't it be wise to keep Gourry-san from worrying?" He suggested. "No." He caught the desperation in her voice. "I want-I need to get away from here."
Dirty little secret
Xellos took the tiny woman by the shoulders and lead her away. "Come along, Lina-san." If he didn't have a schedule to keep, he would've shown the others. Shown how little was left of the vibrant sorceress known as Lina Inverse.
He was very used to getting his way, and although Lina was one of his more difficult conquests, she was his favorite. Even going as far as to pay that silly dragon so much attention.
Maybe when Xellos finished with the sorceress, he'd tell her friends what happened. Maybe not. His actions were no one's business but his own.
Who has to know
She looked up at him, he was her whole world now. "Where are we going?" "You should know better, Lina-san." Xellos answered. "That's a secret."
Who has to know