"Up, you pathetic lumps! One more time!"
"Taichou--wheeze--we're beat--wheeze", Ikkaku grunted. Zaraki prodded his shiny head with his zanpaku-to.
"And you call yourselves the eleventh division?" Zaraki grunted. "Are you sure you didn't sign into the fourth division?"
"No, Taichou", Yumichika mumbled, trying hard to get up, "but we do have limits." Zaraki stopped walking around and glowered at the fifth seat.
"And do you suppose I care for such thing?" The sadistic captain said dangerously.
"N-No! But it won't be much fun if you fight us like this!" Ikkaku stuttered. "Will it?"
Zaraki growled. "Why? Why can't there be just one, just one opponent worth fighting?"
"Ken-chan, wasn't your fight with Ichii fun?" Yachiru said, hopping onto his back.
"He's not here! Why did the punk just have to go right when I'm having fun?" Zaraki's tone was creeping to the most dangerous level. Every single shinigami in the room--except two--began looking at each other nervously.
Yachiru giggled, pinching his ear. "Then maybe you should train, you know, in case he comes back someday."
Zaraki slowly grinned, which then faded faster than when it came. "With whom? The pathetic excuse of the strongest division I have here?"
"Ken-chan, there's always the blank face, the sick guy, the lazy guy, the old grandpa, the fox head, the ugly robot man, spiky-haired shrimp, and the short ninja to play with!" Yachiru bounced off him. "Isn't it fun?"
The sadistic grin crept back on Zaraki's face. "Yeah...that will do...they might actually entertain." Without any further ado, he rushed out of the building.
All but one shinigami sighed in relief. "Can't believe I'm saying this, pipsqueak", Ikkaku wobbled, "but you've just saved our behinds."
Yachiru looked at them questioningly. "What do you mean? I'm just looking for a babysitter."
Horror swept on the eleventh division once again. "A...Babysitter?"
"Yep." She blinked, as if just realized the hundreds of shinigamis in front of her. "Ah, babysitters!"
The teetering Ikkaku fell again.
"Thanks a lot, Baldy", Yumichika grumbled.
Ikkaku threw him a dirty look.
"Sooooo...what should we play...? I know! Tag!"
Hundreds of groaning mouths sounded off at once.
--------------------------
Yamamoto was just looking forward to a peaceful lunch. He had to be disappointed when his least favorite, Zaraki Kenpachi, burst into his office.
This had better be important. Unfortunately, Zaraki's standard of importance (bloodshed) wasn't his or other captains' standard.
"Yes, Zaraki-taichou?"
"Jii-san, have you been training lately?" Zaraki asked, spilling his spiritual pressure everywhere. Yamamoto didn't even open his eyes.
"Yes, I have. Is something the matter?" He could already guess, actually. Zaraki was bored. And when he was bored...
"Ah...then you would be formidable to fight", Zaraki said casually, his hand drifting to his zanpaku-to's hilt.
Yamamoto mentally noted to confiscate the captain's zanpaku-to. "I'm afraid I'm not interested, Zaraki-taichou."
"Oh, but I am", the psychopath grinned, "Don't tell me you want to back down like a chicken."
Yamamoto opened one eye. "I must assure you, Zaraki-taichou that it will be you who will be backing down."
"Am I?" Zaraki said gleefully. He was finally going to get what he had wanted.
"Yes. As you may notice (or since it doesn't concern you) we have returned to normal state, which means that zanpaku-tos are not to be unsheathed as easily", the first captain stated.
"Jii-san, I have noticed", Zaraki growled impatiently, "but that rule's restricted to shikai or bankai only, is it not? Well, I don't need them."
"Apparently you do listen", Yamamoto said nonchalantly,"but you don't observe. If you fight me, releasing your--and my--incredible spiritual pressure bluntly, surely the other captains will notice."
"Ah, the more the merrier!" Zaraki smirked even wider. "It might even be more fun than before. Why didn't I think of it sooner?"
Yamamoto cocked his eyebrows. "Should I tell you that however strong you are, even if you open your eye patch you won't stand for long against eight strongest shinigamis in the whole Gotei-13?"
"Bring it on! We'll see about that!" Yamamoto inwardly sighed. Why had this psychopath ever managed to be a captain? Oh, right, he had killed the previous one.
"You misunderstood, Zaraki-taichou. You won't last a wink. And some of us (Yamamoto tried hard to exclude the words 'especially I') will not hesitate to end your life. Before", he added as he saw Zaraki's excitement,"you could even get the fun." He added as an afterthought. "And if you do insist, I will have to make an appointment between you and Unohana-taichou."
Zaraki paled. "You wouldn't."
"I would, Zaraki-taichou, the conditions force me to."
Zaraki grumbled, pondering if a fighting the strongest shinigami was worth having a therapy session with Unohana. He opted it wasn't, considering their last (and only) one.
The eleventh captain growled. He marched out, scaring many seated members of the first division in his way.
--------------------
"I won't repeat myself. Get out of my way!"
The common sense when one was facing a fuming Soi Fong was to clear away as fast as possible. Zaraki's common sense (if he had one) was to block her way and infuriate her.
"You know, Yachiru's right. You are a boiled shrimp", he scoffed, gleefully hoping like a child that she would fight him that way.
Soi Fong's right hand twitched. She was in a very bad mood indeed. Ohmaeda had lost a week's worth of paperwork and she had to do them all over again. And now, she couldn't even get into her own office without kicking the gorilla (honestly, he was nearly twice her height) away. It was only her cool logic that kept her from actually attacking him, and in the process granting his request.
"One last time. Get. Out. Of. My. Way. Or. Else."
Zaraki smirked. He was very close to getting his wish. Whoever said that Zaraki Kenpachi had no mind was wanting to be mutilated. Of course he had a mind, using them in battles would only made the battles sour. Now, however, he used his mind to get the battle. It wasn't difficult, he just had to push the buttons of the notoriously short-tempered (and sized) captain.
"What if I don't want to?" He asked mockingly. He had enjoyed it already.
Soi Fong snarled. "Fine then, have your way. Come."
"Eh? Usually I'll have my opponents come first to create a handicap—"
"Just do it!"
Happy that he would soon find what he had wanted, Zaraki unsheathed his zanpaku-to, dashed to the small captain and swung the jagged katana.
Soi Fong easily stepped closer to him with her body very close to the ground, stopping right before she stepped on Zaraki's toes, and leapt up. Before Zaraki could even assert what had just happened she was already on his head, and leapt off him again, this time using shunpo to disappear out of sight.
Zaraki blinked. "What the--?" He touched the spot where her shoes had left marks.
He roared when he realized he had just had his hair cut.
-----------------
"Uhh, Taichou?"
"Yes, Renji?"
"Don't you feel...?"
"I know. You can leave now."
"Yes, Taichou."
Renji didn't completely go away. He stopped around the corner and peaked.
"Zaraki-taichou, I would suggest you to suppress your spiritual pressure if you were to sneak up on someone", Byakuya said monotonously.
"For the record", Zaraki said from the roof, "I wasn't stalking. I was waiting for you to turn around."
He jumped down ungraciously. "What do you say we relief our stress?"
Renji stifled his laughter at the sight of Zaraki's near-clean-shaved-head.
Byakuya didn't change his expression. "I am not in need of such things, especially the one that involves fighting."
"Sheesh, change your expression, would you? You look like a statue", Zaraki ignored Byakuya's comment.
Byakuya unemotionally glanced at the bigger man. He walked away.
"Now wait a second! Who said you could get away?" Zaraki followed him. Renji quickly walked further from them.
Byakuya turned around slowly. "Unless this is something gravely important, Taichou, I would suggest you to stop following around."
Zaraki slapped his forehead. "Why do you people always talk about importance and getting out of the way and craps? Don't you know the meaning of fun?"
Byakuya remained stoic. "Whatever it is that the other captains have said to you, I still am not interested in defining 'fun' as bloodshed."
"Yap, yap, you're all so boring!" Zaraki unsheathed his zanpaku-to for the umpteenth time that afternoon.
"It's because I'm not in the mood for anything you're excited about", Byakuya said, unnerved.
"You know what? You really are boring." Zaraki held the katana out.
Byakuya stared at it. "If we must."
Zaraki grinned...
And Byakuya made a fresh new hole on his back.
Zaraki gasped. "What...How...?"
"I win."
Again, an opponent used shunpo in front of Zaraki and out of sight. The infuriated captain slashed his zanpaku-to on the wall, cleaving the building into two.
A bit further than that, Renji tried hard to keep a straight face.
"What?"
"Nothing, Taichou...except that you sure beat him good."
"...Oh."
------------------
"I am not interested in unreasonable battles, much less one with a demon like you, Zaraki!"
"Easy there, fox head, there's no need to shout."
"Yes there is! Out! Don't disturb my work!"
"All these papers?" Zaraki made a face. "If I were you, I'd gladly battle my way out of this paper craps."
Komamura rubbed his temples. "Zaraki...I'm warning you..."
"Hey, come to think about it, have we even finished our match? You know, the one with the Soukyoku and all?"
"Nnggh...Am I the only one who's glad it's not even finished?" Komamura said, sarcasm dripping in his words.
"Yes. What did you say? Oh, yeah, my favorite game of carnage? What about it?"
"Now is not the time, so--"
"Since it's not important so get out of here yap-yap-yap", Zaraki said in a mix of Yamamoto's, Soi Fong's, and Byakuya's voice.
Komamura blinked. "Eh?"
"Come on! Everyone's been saying that to me for hundreds of times! Can't you just give me a break?"
"Can't you just give me a break?" Komamura yelled, losing his patience.
Zaraki's hand grabbed the hilt of his nameless zanpaku-to.
Komamura growled, the effect amplified by his head's shape. Zaraki was impervious of it.
"I'll give you break", Komamura muttered, grabbing Tengen. "I'll break your bone!"
The gigantic hand and sword materialized, slapping its flat side on the unsuspecting Zaraki Kenpachi and hitting him through the walls of the seventh division main building like a golf ball. From the door, Iba came in with a tower of papers in his hands.
"Okay, Taichou, I got the—whoa!" Iba automatically gaped and dropped the papers at the sight of the clean hole on the wall.
"Bring them here, Tetsuzaemon, we don't have much time to lose", Komamura said nonchalantly, ignoring the hole.
"But, Taichou, that's the Eight Division office you're aiming at!"
"So? Kyouraku should have seen it coming. After all", he checked the clock, "it's the perfect wake-up signal for him."
-------------------
Nanao impatiently scowled at the clock, as if demanding it to move faster. After many hassles and kissing-attempts from Kyouraku's part, they finally agreed that he could have his nap from 11 o' clock to 12 o'clock. Originally, Nanao had resisted this idea seeing that 12 o'clock was the time lunch break began: it would mean giving Kyouraku double break period. She reluctantly agreed, after he threatened (coaxed) her to it in exchange for no more kissing-attempts. Of course, he broke the promise anyway, but at least she would never stoop that low. She was on time.
And at the precise time the clock struck 1 o'clock, she moved towards Kyouraku, intending to wake him up.
Zaraki crashed through the wall and sailed straight on to Kyouraku, who was sprawled on the floor.
Nanao froze. It wasn't because of the accidental demolishing of their property or Zaraki's lack of reiatsu, it was the fact that...
Zaraki and Kyouraku were locking lips thanks to the accident.
...Kyouraku seemed to enjoy it, too. He was mumbling 'Nanao-chan' while doing what people who were French-kissing do. Zaraki was at the moment using his available eye to ogle, dumbstruck.
As if the picture wasn't already perfect, Ukitake chose that precise moment to barge in.
"Kyouraku? I heard a crash and—what are you doing?" Ukitake nearly screamed seeing the yaoi scene. That snapped Kyouraku out of his perverted dream. He was still locking lips with Zaraki when he opened his eyes, and it took his hazy mind one second to comprehend and react.
He threw Zaraki away while yelling. They simultaneously began sputtering, coughing, and doing every other exaggeratedly-supposedly-useful methods to clean their mouths of the contamination.
Zaraki added cursing to the process. He never did like the taste of sake, which Kyouraku's mouth was full of, even one drop could make him spin like a top.
"GHA! You—"
"Here, Zaraki-taichou, have a drink!" Ukitake hastily snatched the closest sake bottle (Kyouraku literally filled the office with it) and attempted to spill the content into Zaraki's mouth. Zaraki gawked, quickly rushing out. Battling while drunken would only take the fun out of it, and that was certainly not what he was looking for.
Ukitake sighed in relief. He turned to Kyouraku, who was brushing his teeth. "Tell me you didn't like that."
'Fwy fwoufld fI flifke faft?" Kyouraku asked, mouth still full with toothpaste.
"Never mind."
Nanao finally unfroze.
---------------
"SHRIMP!"
"Am I even edible?" Hitsugaya commented, scratching the mistake he made thanks to the yell.
"Dunno. Never tried", Rangiku said bored.
A red-faced Zaraki rushed in, zanpaku-to raised. "Fight me now."
Hitsugaya glanced. "What did you do to your hair? And your head and chest?"
"Shut up! Just fight me now!" Zaraki roared.
Hitsugaya clicked his tongue.
"And don't give me any crap about being busy and important and getting out of the way! 'Cause I'm bored!"
"Wow, taichou", Hitsugaya muttered, "You stole those words rather rudely out of my mouth."
"Just--"
"Outside."
"I won't take--"The word sank in. "Finally!"
Rangiku followed them out, trying to calm herself down.
Zaraki impatiently grinned. "Give me all you got."
Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "Stupid grown up", he muttered, unsheathing Hyourinmaru. He jumped into the sky.
"Souten ni zase!" He cried. "Hyourinmaru!"
At request, the ice dragon showed up, plunging into Zaraki who dodged it with ease. Still airborne, Hitsugaya lashed out another dragon. Zaraki raised his zanpaku-to to defend himself.
A chain, connected to the hilt of Hyourinmaru wrapped around him. Only his head was free of the instant freeze.
Hitsugaya's zanpaku-to returned to its original form, though Zaraki did not.
"Come, Matsumoto. We must finish before night."
Rangiku heavily followed.
"Get me out of here!"
-------------------------
"Yes...Yes..." Kurotsuchi Mayuri watched excitedly as his newest gigai was tested. Suddenly, the power stopped running into the test machine. At the same time, alarm flashed and boomed in the laboratory.
"Nemu! What's going on?"
"It seems like we have an intruder, Mayuri-sama."
"Intruder?"
BLAM!
A very pissed off Zaraki walked through the wall. "Me. Surprise, surprise."
"You oaf! You destroyed my laboratory! You stopped my experiment!" Kurotsuchi was trembling, not with fear, but with anger.
"So in turn, will you fight me?" Zaraki smirked; his plan seemed to be working.
Kurotsuchi seemed to be on the verge of exploding. "Fight you? A stupid baboon like you? I don't even want to study you!"
Zaraki face palmed. "Here we go again. Look, do me a favor and fight me, and we'll both be happy when I'm gone."
"I don't have time for this! Nemu!"
Nemu quickly wrapped her arms around Zaraki's arms. And despite her fragile look, Zaraki found her grip to be quite strong.
"Kakimushire, Ashisogi Jizou!"
The bizarre shikai form stabbed Zaraki on the shoulder, just a bit over Nemu's head.
Zaraki was instantly frozen.
"You! This is not the fight I want!"
"Throw this ape man out to the dumps! And fix the generator!"
"Kurotsuchi! You'll pay for this!"
"Shut up!"
------------------------
"It seems we are missing in numbers."
"You mean outside of the three--you know..."
"Yes, Shunsui, besides that."
His vice captain threw this to me this morning", Hitsugaya showed them a paper airplane. Crudely written on it (with uncountable spelling and grammar mistakes here and there) was a message saying that Zaraki Kenpachi couldn't attend the captains meeting.
"Well...that's surprising", Ukitake mused. His eyes widened. "Could it be that I have involuntarily infected my disease to him?"
"It doesn't work like that", Unohana said gently, "Although I am wondering if this has anything to do with my missing potion."
"Oh? Which one?"
"I had originally intended it to be a form of anesthetic to make it easier for the fourth division to tend to high level shinigamis. The potion drains the user's spiritual energy greatly so that they would pass out and didn't feel the pain. We have finished the concoction and were waiting for the perfect opportunity to test it."
"And so you tested it on Zaraki?" Kurotsuchi smiled, an inspiration popped into his mind. Next time he'd use the oaf as a guinea pig.
"No, we didn't", Unohana denied calmly. "I actually suspected Kusajishi-fukutaichou to have a hand in this. It disappeared around the time she wandered into the infirmary."
"That kid? Why'd she do it?" Kyouraku asked incredulously.
"She must have overheard you talking about it and decided to see if that could help Zaraki to get some fun", Soi Fong deducted.
"You know", Hitsugaya said carefully, "One of my subordinates was told by the bald third seat that she also happened to be the one who suggested Zaraki to bother the captains."
"Kusajishi-fukutaichou and strategic murder of Zaraki-taichou don't belong in the same sentence", Ukitake said slowly.
"Or someone here planned all this", Byakuya said for the first time, surprising everyone.
"Or it's just a fluke", Komamura concluded. "At the least, that should teach him some self-restraint."
"It's not your fault, Unohana-taichou. After all, it seemed as though Kusajishi-fukutaichou was entirely responsible for the poisoning of Zaraki-taichou", Yamamoto said calmly seeing her expression, "Zaraki-taichou must have had a good lesson in self restraint, I take it?"
"Well...that explains the hair", mumbled Ukitake.
"Oh, yes, he has", Kurotsuchi grumbled, "Nemu dumped him in the junkyard all night."
"He had already been frozen with Hyourinmaru before", Hitsugaya told them.
"We gave him some drink", Shunsui said.
"I smashed him out of my office", Komamura grunted.
"He was only lightly wounded", Byakuya deadpanned.
"And I take it you cut his hair?" Yamamoto inquired Soi Fong.
"Yes. And Yamamoto-soutaichou must have 'lectured' him then."
"That I did."
All was silent, secretly laughing or just plainly musing on it.
"That ought to keep him away for a while."
"Yeah...if we're lucky, he will stop challenging ever again."
"Not going to happen. He's a demon", Komamura said gruffly. "Hang on, why didn't anyone actually kill him? Won't it be better that way?"
Yamamoto opened his one eye. "As entertaining as the idea might be, Komamura-taichou, we might need his help in this problem Aizen causes us."
Komamura shrugged. "Just wondering."
"It's not our fault he interrupted us when we are busy and uninterested", Soi Fong folded her arms.
"You know", Kurotsuchi scratched his chin, "That's exactly what he complained every time."
"In any case, I shall see to his well being", Unohana said firmly, "Is that alright, Yamamoto-soutaichou?"
"If you must. This meeting is over then."
They shuffled out. Ukitake immediately chased after Soi Fong. She had had an expression of regret on her face, something that she rarely had, and that greatly tickled his curiosity, so great that he risked her temper and asked about it.
"Is there something wrong, Soi Fong-taichou?"
Soi Fong gave him an odd look. Normally she would snap at anyone who interrupted her train of thoughts. However, this time she said it rather nicely—crisply and rather snappishly, but not as harsh as her usual tone.
"It's a shame I aimed for his hair instead of his neck."
Ukitake blinked. No matter how righteous it was to say the otherwise...
...for a moment he thought the same thing too.
Too bad no one had killed Zaraki Kenpachi while they had been given a great chance like that.