DISCLAIMER- We don't own Star Trek. We also don't own the chicken noodle soup thing. That was stolen from Tavia. See, see! We're giving credit! No sue!
Alania: Thank you Tavia for being the one and only reviewer!
PearlGirl: We would have asked about borrowing the soup, but we were so busy being hot in China that we never got a chance.
Alania: Yeah, so that's also our excuse for taking so long to update. First we were in New Jersey, then we were in China.
PearlGirl: I get to take credit for the little opening speech thingy with Dr. Death. I like Dr. Death a ton. He's one of my favorite bad guys, excluding Khan and Stella, who is in fact a bad girl.
Alania: The spicing up of the opening speech and the other lines you mentioned were both mine : ) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, even if nobody else reads it.
Chapter Two: Random Wandering and Random Soup
Chekov: So vhere did ze distress signal come from, anyvay?
Kirk: Err... ehm...
Spock: Apparently the captain forgot to check while we were on the ship.
McCoy: Oh yeah? Well it doesn't look like you remembered either.
Spock: Doctor, this is no time to be arguing.
McCoy: You just don't want to admit that you forgot something.
Spock: (ignoring McCoy) Perhaps we should beam up and get the coordinates.
Kirk: No! I will not admit defeat! Let's see.... the last time we were here, Dr. Death said he was the only person on the planet. That means that the distress signal must have come from him.
McCoy: (whistles) You figured all that out by yourself?
Kirk: (glares at McCoy) I'm not stupid.
McCoy: (coughs) Of course not.
Kirk: So now all we have to do is find Dr. Death's lab!
Chekov: How do you propose ve do zat?
Kirk: Simple. We'll wander around this barren wasteland until we find it.
Chekov: Vhat if ve newer find it?
Kirk: (shrugs) I guess we'll just wander until we die of thirst.
Chekov: (gulps) Couldn't ve just beam up to ze ship?
Kirk: Never! I will never admit defeat!
McCoy: You know, we really must work on that ego of yours.
Uhura: Hey! Where'd that ensign go?
Sulu: You mean the one with the impossible name?
Uhura: Yeah, he's not here.
McCoy: How could he have wandered off? We're in the middle of a barren wasteland!
Kirk: (hopefully) Maybe he died.
Chekov: Where should we look?
Spock: Last time, Captain, Dr. Death was living in a abondoned building.
McCoy: I remember! We all fell through that hole.
Kirk: Great work. Now we just have to find the abondoned building. Let's look.
Narrator: They look. There is no building, abondoned or not. Just rocks.
(pause)
Red shirt 4: Where should we go?
Everyone: (points different ways) That way!
Kirk: I'm the captain! My amazing sense of direction tells me that we should be going east! (points)
Spock: That is northwest, Captain.
Kirk: I knew that.
McCoy: Anyone else want to pick the direction?
Kirk: (snorts) If you think you're so smart, why don't you?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, Jim, not a pathfinder.
Chekov: Let's go over to zose mountains.
Uhura: I don't want to climb up mountains! My fingers will get dirty!
Sulu: Well if you're going to be so picky, why don't you pick the direction we go?
Uhura: Of course! The lady should always get to decide where we go! Women have excellent senses of direction!
Kirk: (grits teeth) Just tell us where we're going, all right?!
Uhura: Of course, Captain! After all, I am the only woman in the bridge crew. Having women around is essential if you ever need to find your way out of a barren wasteland. Whatever you do, don't ask a man to pick your direction. They're terrible at it!
Kirk: In a minute, Uhura, you're going to wish we'd left you on the ship!!
Uhura: Tsk, tsk. Men have terrible tempers, as well.
(Kirk is looking as though in another minute, he's going to start smashing things. If there was anything around to smash.)
Uhura: (seeing the look on his face; hastily) Of course, maybe I'd better get to the point. We'll go... uhh... that way. (points)
Kirk: All right, let's go!
Narrator: The group sets off in the direction Uhura indicated. They walk for about 20 minutes.
Chekov: I'm hungry.
Sulu: You're always hungry!
McCoy: Well, too bad. What's the chance of us finding some edible food in all these millions of miles of wasteland?
Narrator: Suddenly, they spot a can of soup lying on the ground, half buried in sand.
McCoy: Talk about irony.
Sulu: No, I think it's luck. Irony is when something bad happens.
Chekov: I don't care vhat it is!
Narrator: Chekov runs and picks it up. It's a can of chicken noodle soup.
McCoy: Yum! I love chicken noodle soup.
Kirk: So do I.
Uhura: I'm not eating that! Who knows how long it's been there?
Sulu: Suit yourself.
Red shirt 5: More for us.
Sulu: Hey, you don't get any! Only people with names.
Red shirts 1-8: No fair!
Snodgrass: Ha! That means I get some!
Kirk: Your name is so annoying it hardly counts!
Snodgrass: Nevertheless, it is a name.
McCoy: That's a Spock attitude for you.
Spock: Vulcans do not have "attitudes".
McCoy: (grumbles) They sure don't have a lot of things. Name one thing they do have. Besides-
Spock: Logic.
McCoy: Logic.
Uhura: (to Snodgrass) Are you sure you want any? I don't think it's a very red-shirt safe product.
Snodgrass: (eyes can dubiously) Maybe you're right.
Uhura: Of course I'm right.
Sulu: I just want to point out something. Snodgrass isn't supposed to be here! He disappeared!
McCoy: Huh?
Kirk: I don't remember that.
Sulu: You guys have the shortest memory spans I've ever heard of.
Spock: I recall it.
McCoy: Well, of course, you do! You always do!
Snodgrass: Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to be here. (disappears)
Kirk: Wow! I wish I could do that!
Chekov: (starts laughing)
Kirk: What?
Chekov: Look what it says on the can.
Narrator: In small print, at the bottom of the can of soup it says WARNING: Keep out of reach of Vulcans.
McCoy: Ha! I wonder why.
Spock: I would not want any. It contains meat.
McCoy: Jim, can we give it to him and see what happens?
Kirk: No.
McCoy: Please??
Spock: Doctor, I have identified a mistake in your request.
McCoy: (angrily) What do you mean?
Spock: Did any of you have enough remarkable foresight as to bring a can opener? If not, no one will be eating it.
Red-shirt 8: I don't care! I'm hungry!
Narrator: The red-shirt snatches the can away from Kirk, breaks it open, and drinks it all. A moment later, he explodes violently. When the dust settles, there is a large crater in the ground where the red-shirt was standing.
Kirk: Oh no! That was a perfectly good can of soup!
McCoy: (eyes crater dubiously) Somehow I get the feeling that stuff is more dangerous more red-shirts than it is for Vulcans.
Kirk: (grumbling) Great. Now the rest of us will have to go hungry!
Sulu: Look on the bright side, Captain.
Kirk: What's the bright side?
Sulu: At least that's one less red-shirt to worry about.
Kirk: (brightens) I guess you're right. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's keep going!
Alania: Thanks for reading, please review!
Alania: Thank you Tavia for being the one and only reviewer!
PearlGirl: We would have asked about borrowing the soup, but we were so busy being hot in China that we never got a chance.
Alania: Yeah, so that's also our excuse for taking so long to update. First we were in New Jersey, then we were in China.
PearlGirl: I get to take credit for the little opening speech thingy with Dr. Death. I like Dr. Death a ton. He's one of my favorite bad guys, excluding Khan and Stella, who is in fact a bad girl.
Alania: The spicing up of the opening speech and the other lines you mentioned were both mine : ) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, even if nobody else reads it.
Chapter Two: Random Wandering and Random Soup
Chekov: So vhere did ze distress signal come from, anyvay?
Kirk: Err... ehm...
Spock: Apparently the captain forgot to check while we were on the ship.
McCoy: Oh yeah? Well it doesn't look like you remembered either.
Spock: Doctor, this is no time to be arguing.
McCoy: You just don't want to admit that you forgot something.
Spock: (ignoring McCoy) Perhaps we should beam up and get the coordinates.
Kirk: No! I will not admit defeat! Let's see.... the last time we were here, Dr. Death said he was the only person on the planet. That means that the distress signal must have come from him.
McCoy: (whistles) You figured all that out by yourself?
Kirk: (glares at McCoy) I'm not stupid.
McCoy: (coughs) Of course not.
Kirk: So now all we have to do is find Dr. Death's lab!
Chekov: How do you propose ve do zat?
Kirk: Simple. We'll wander around this barren wasteland until we find it.
Chekov: Vhat if ve newer find it?
Kirk: (shrugs) I guess we'll just wander until we die of thirst.
Chekov: (gulps) Couldn't ve just beam up to ze ship?
Kirk: Never! I will never admit defeat!
McCoy: You know, we really must work on that ego of yours.
Uhura: Hey! Where'd that ensign go?
Sulu: You mean the one with the impossible name?
Uhura: Yeah, he's not here.
McCoy: How could he have wandered off? We're in the middle of a barren wasteland!
Kirk: (hopefully) Maybe he died.
Chekov: Where should we look?
Spock: Last time, Captain, Dr. Death was living in a abondoned building.
McCoy: I remember! We all fell through that hole.
Kirk: Great work. Now we just have to find the abondoned building. Let's look.
Narrator: They look. There is no building, abondoned or not. Just rocks.
(pause)
Red shirt 4: Where should we go?
Everyone: (points different ways) That way!
Kirk: I'm the captain! My amazing sense of direction tells me that we should be going east! (points)
Spock: That is northwest, Captain.
Kirk: I knew that.
McCoy: Anyone else want to pick the direction?
Kirk: (snorts) If you think you're so smart, why don't you?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, Jim, not a pathfinder.
Chekov: Let's go over to zose mountains.
Uhura: I don't want to climb up mountains! My fingers will get dirty!
Sulu: Well if you're going to be so picky, why don't you pick the direction we go?
Uhura: Of course! The lady should always get to decide where we go! Women have excellent senses of direction!
Kirk: (grits teeth) Just tell us where we're going, all right?!
Uhura: Of course, Captain! After all, I am the only woman in the bridge crew. Having women around is essential if you ever need to find your way out of a barren wasteland. Whatever you do, don't ask a man to pick your direction. They're terrible at it!
Kirk: In a minute, Uhura, you're going to wish we'd left you on the ship!!
Uhura: Tsk, tsk. Men have terrible tempers, as well.
(Kirk is looking as though in another minute, he's going to start smashing things. If there was anything around to smash.)
Uhura: (seeing the look on his face; hastily) Of course, maybe I'd better get to the point. We'll go... uhh... that way. (points)
Kirk: All right, let's go!
Narrator: The group sets off in the direction Uhura indicated. They walk for about 20 minutes.
Chekov: I'm hungry.
Sulu: You're always hungry!
McCoy: Well, too bad. What's the chance of us finding some edible food in all these millions of miles of wasteland?
Narrator: Suddenly, they spot a can of soup lying on the ground, half buried in sand.
McCoy: Talk about irony.
Sulu: No, I think it's luck. Irony is when something bad happens.
Chekov: I don't care vhat it is!
Narrator: Chekov runs and picks it up. It's a can of chicken noodle soup.
McCoy: Yum! I love chicken noodle soup.
Kirk: So do I.
Uhura: I'm not eating that! Who knows how long it's been there?
Sulu: Suit yourself.
Red shirt 5: More for us.
Sulu: Hey, you don't get any! Only people with names.
Red shirts 1-8: No fair!
Snodgrass: Ha! That means I get some!
Kirk: Your name is so annoying it hardly counts!
Snodgrass: Nevertheless, it is a name.
McCoy: That's a Spock attitude for you.
Spock: Vulcans do not have "attitudes".
McCoy: (grumbles) They sure don't have a lot of things. Name one thing they do have. Besides-
Spock: Logic.
McCoy: Logic.
Uhura: (to Snodgrass) Are you sure you want any? I don't think it's a very red-shirt safe product.
Snodgrass: (eyes can dubiously) Maybe you're right.
Uhura: Of course I'm right.
Sulu: I just want to point out something. Snodgrass isn't supposed to be here! He disappeared!
McCoy: Huh?
Kirk: I don't remember that.
Sulu: You guys have the shortest memory spans I've ever heard of.
Spock: I recall it.
McCoy: Well, of course, you do! You always do!
Snodgrass: Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to be here. (disappears)
Kirk: Wow! I wish I could do that!
Chekov: (starts laughing)
Kirk: What?
Chekov: Look what it says on the can.
Narrator: In small print, at the bottom of the can of soup it says WARNING: Keep out of reach of Vulcans.
McCoy: Ha! I wonder why.
Spock: I would not want any. It contains meat.
McCoy: Jim, can we give it to him and see what happens?
Kirk: No.
McCoy: Please??
Spock: Doctor, I have identified a mistake in your request.
McCoy: (angrily) What do you mean?
Spock: Did any of you have enough remarkable foresight as to bring a can opener? If not, no one will be eating it.
Red-shirt 8: I don't care! I'm hungry!
Narrator: The red-shirt snatches the can away from Kirk, breaks it open, and drinks it all. A moment later, he explodes violently. When the dust settles, there is a large crater in the ground where the red-shirt was standing.
Kirk: Oh no! That was a perfectly good can of soup!
McCoy: (eyes crater dubiously) Somehow I get the feeling that stuff is more dangerous more red-shirts than it is for Vulcans.
Kirk: (grumbling) Great. Now the rest of us will have to go hungry!
Sulu: Look on the bright side, Captain.
Kirk: What's the bright side?
Sulu: At least that's one less red-shirt to worry about.
Kirk: (brightens) I guess you're right. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's keep going!
Alania: Thanks for reading, please review!