DISCLAIMER- We don't own Star Trek, but we do own the gnat and Snodgrass, the red-shirted ensign. Actually, PearlGirl owns Snodgrass. Alania doesn't. So ha!

REVIEWER (Just one, sniff)

Queenofinsanity

PearlGirl: Thanks sooooo much for reviewing! You rule! I like your pen name.

Alania: Thanks for being the one reviewer! Yay, we're loved!

Chapter 3: The Attack of the Gnat

Narrator: We will now switch scenes and go to that ensign with the odd name, who you may recall wandered away from the rest some time ago and got lost. He is now wandering around a different area of wasteland, though it looks identical to the area the rest of the landing party is in.

Snodgrass: Where did the others go? And how did I manage to be separated from them anyway? And what's that thing in the distance? Should I go and find out?

Narrator: Who are you talking to? There's no one else around.

Snodgrass: There's you.

Narrator: I don't count. I'm the Narrator.

Snodgrass: Aren't you always trying to convince the captain that you do count?

Narrator: Err.. well, I was before.. don't confuse me.

Snodgrass: I'm pretty confused myself.

Narrator: Where were we?

Snodgrass: That thing in the distance, I think. I was asking if you knew what it was.

Narrator: Oh yeah.

Snodgrass: So do you know what it is?

Narrator: No.

Snodgrass: Oh. What do I do then?

Narrator: Go find out, duh.

Snodgrass: Oh. Okay. (starts walking in the direction of the thing, but then stops) What if it's something scary?

Narrator: Then it will probably kill you and you won't be able to bother us any more.

Snodgrass: Oh. Isn't that a bad thing?

Narrator: No. Not for me anyway.

Snodgrass: It doesn't seem like it would very nice for me, though. What do you think I should do?

Narrator: Do us a favor and go get yourself killed.

Snodgrass: All right. (sets off in the direction of the thing)

Narrator: Now we go back to Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and the remaining 7 red-shirts.

McCoy: This is stupid. If we don't find that building in 2 minutes, I'm calling Scotty!

Kirk: But that's mutiny!

McCoy: So what?

Kirk: I could sue you.

Chekov: But we could claim you're insane.

Sulu: Or we could get McCoy to give you physicals til you go insane.

Uhura: Physicals? It would only take one.

McCoy: Too bad I didn't bring my (dramatic pause) equipment.

Kirk: (gulps) Come on, Bones. We'll find it. Besides, what's the worst that could happen out here?

Uhura: Shhhhh!

McCoy: Too late, he said it.

(distant maniacal laughter is heard)

Chekov: Oh no! Ze authors are planning our horrible fate!

Spock: Saying 'what's the worst that can happen?' is not a guarantee that something will happen.

McCoy: Yes it is! We're jinxed!

Uhura: That line's almost as bad as 'I've got a bad feeling about this.'

Narrator: Suddenly, a mountain lion leaps out of nowhere and drags off Red-shirt 7.

McCoy: See? SEE?! I just knew something bad would happen!

Kirk: But that was good, wasn't it?

McCoy: Ummm... I guess you're right.

Narrator: Okay, time for a scene change.

McCoy: What?! But nothing bad has happened yet!

Narrator: Don't worry. I'm sure it will happen next scene.

McCoy: Oh. Okay.

Narrator: Now we switch back to Snodgrass. He has almost reached the mysterious thing in the distance. We can now see that it is a large building.

Snodgrass: Is that a building? In the middle of a barren wasteland? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Should I keep going toward it?

Narrator: What does the script say?

Snodgrass: (blankly) Script? What?

Narrator: Don't you have a copy of the script?

Snodgrass: Umm... I don't know. Wait, I remember! The captain said I'm not important enough to have a copy of the script.

Narrator: (groans) Idiot. Everyone needs a copy of the script. Here, borrow mine. (hands him a script)

Snodgrass: Thanks. (looks at script) I don't think this is in English.

Narrator: (looks over Snodgrass's shoulder) You're holding it upside-down!!

Snodgrass: Oh. Oops. (turns script around)

Narrator: (muttering to self) Hopeless, just hopeless.

Snodgrass: Let's see. It says I'm supposed to go to the building. I guess I should, right?

Narrator: Why can't you be normal? Do you see anyone else asking nothing but questions? Well?

Snodgrass: You just did.

Narrator: (blinks) I did? Whatever.

Snodgrass: Now, if I remember correctly, last time we went through the door and fell down a hole into a cage. I don't want to do that. I won't go in the front door.

Narrator: How do you know there are any other doors?

Snodgrass: (shrugs) I'll go see. (points to door) Here's the front door with the doorbell. I'll go around back.

Narrator: The ensign goes around back and sees a door. It says SECRET DOOR THAT NOBODY KNOWS IS HERE.

Snodgrass: I guess I'll go through here. (walks toward door)

Narrator: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Snodgrass: (shrugs) The script said I'm supposed to go into the building.

Narrator: We go back to Kirk and the others, who for some reason still assume something bad is going to happen.

McCoy: We are still afraid that something bad is going to happen, because it is!

Kirk: Bones, you're scaring the red-shirts!

McCoy: No I'm not!

Narrator: Then why else are they all huddled together and shaking?

Sulu: (gasps) What was that?!

Chekov: (scared) What?

Sulu: I thought I saw something!

McCoy: It must be an alien coming to kill us all!

Spock: I believe it is a gnat, doctor.

Uhura: Eww! Gross! I hate gnats!

Chekov: What's to hate?

Uhura: Everything! Their gross noises, gross buggy-eyes, gross legs, gross ...(continues ranting)

Sulu: What I really hate about gnats is how they're spelled. I mean, why the silent g?

McCoy: Because that's the way it's spelled. Don't question the laws of the English Language.

Sulu: I'm glad I'm Japanese.

Chekov: I thought you were Chinese.

Kirk: Aren't all the laws of the American Language broken at least once?

Uhura: Will you stop talking about languages and start swatting that gnat!

Kirk: Why should we?

Uhura: Because I'm a lady, that's why.

Sulu: Are you afraid of getting your hands dirty?

Uhura: Forget the gnat, swat him! (points to Sulu)

(gnat continues to buzz around happily. Then it spots a nice soft lump that it could use for a new home. It settles into the lump that happens to be Uhura's hair)

Uhura: Eeeeeekkkk! Get it off me!

McCoy: (takes out phaser) I'm going to get rid of this annoy pest once and for all!

Kirk: Don't! You might shoot Uhura!

McCoy: Who else would I be aiming at?

(The gnat, deciding that Uhura's hair might not be the safest place to rest after all, takes off and flies away from the group.)

Kirk: Get it! Get it!

(The group charges across the wasteland after the solitary gnat.)

Kirk: Shoot the disgusting vermin!

ZZAAAAAPP!!

Kirk: No, not the red-shirts! The gnat!!!

Sulu: Oops.

McCoy: Well, that's one more red-shirt down.

Chekov: Wait, what's zat?

Sulu: It's a gnat, stupid.

Chekov: Not ze gnat! Zat!!

(The group looks up to see what looks like a tornado off in the distance, but approaching rapidly. The gnat is immediately forgotten.)

Kirk: Tornado!!

Spock: Actually, Captain, that is a desert sandstorm.

Kirk: I don't care what it is! RUUUNN!!

Alania: Please review, people! Reviews taste yummy!