"Mom, why did you pick dad?"
Masami looked up from her phone. The kids were back from school. Shigeko had been doing her homework at the kitchen table last Masami checked. Sho was doing something in his room that involved more jumping on the bed than Masami thought was strictly necessary. She didn't have the energy to stop him, though, she barely had the energy to sit up. She wanted nothing more than to go to bed until it was time to make their dinner….but that was not going to happen.
If she sent back to bed she might not have been able to get back up again.
And then the kids would have noticed and said something to Touichirou and then he'd 'worry' some more and then it just…it would not be a good time at all. She didn't need Touichirou prying into how she was feeling. It wasn't like he cared. He didn't care about her, just what she did for him.
Kind of like Shigeko in some ways.
"What's up?" asked Masami. Shigeko should have been doing her homework. She usually got right to it after school without being asked. Abnormal for a six, almost seven year old, but Shigeko was not a normal child by any means.
"Why did you pick dad?" asked Mob again. She had been thinking about it since Valentine's Day. Why did people pair up? Why did you only get these sorts of weird, nervous, feeling only for certain people? Why was holding hands with Taro nothing like holding hands with Sho? Well aside from the fact that Sho was her little brother after all. Why did she only want to hold hands with one specific boy and not all of the boys? Why had she never wanted to hold hands with a girl? Why did people pair up in the first place?
"For what?" asked Masami. Why had she picked Touichirou out of the crowd that day? She had been asking herself that for years and years now. It had been a busy day. She had been about to go home, actually, because it had been terribly chilly out that day and her coat had not been thick enough for the biting February cold. She had been about to leave when she saw him in the crowd. There had been nothing special about him…aside from the red hair. It had been longer, then, more like Sho's was now. Touichirou's hair spiked up, too, when it got long….which was why he kept it so short these days. Yes, it had been the red hair that had led her to start up a conversation with the handsome stranger…
And then nine months later Sho was born.
"To be married to. Why did you pick dad?" asked Mob. She knew why people got together in movies. First they met and they either had love at first sight or they argued a lot. Arguing a lot sometimes meant love or it meant that the person was a jerk…Mob didn't know how you were supposed to tell the difference….it seemed hard. She had no idea what she was supposed to do if she did have love at first sight, too. She hadn't had that with Taro…or maybe she had. She first got these weird feelings when they had gym for the first time and he had won the class race….and also he was the tallest boy in class, too….
"I picked your father because…" said Masami. What was she supposed to tell Shigeko? That she had married Touichirou because she had gotten pregnant before she had even known the man a full year? Before she had spent enough time with him to know what he was really like? That he had been so fascinating to her that she had been drawn to him? That he, back then, had his moments of sweetness? That those moments used to be enough for her?
"Because he's tall?" asked Mob. Dad was really tall. He was taller than mom and mom was tall enough to reach the top shelves of the cabinets.
"Huh?" asked Masami with a blink.
"Dad's really tall. Did you marry him because he's tall?" asked Mob
"Shigeko…people don't get married because one person is taller than the other. That's not how it works." Said Masami. She needed to get back to monitoring the things the kids watched on TV. Such strange ideas. She would have expected something like that from Sho, he acted his age, but not Shigeko.
"Oh. I just thought that you might have married him because he's tall because…I don't know. Tallness is just…nice…I think? Like he could run really fast…I've never seen dad run before….but I bet he could if he felt like it." Said Mob. She reached behind her and held her braids down. She was getting very close to mom finding out why she was asking this. She was not going to tell mom about how she felt. If she did then mom would tell dad and then dad would know and then he'd be mad at her.
She was only supposed to feel this way about another esper.
Even though dad was married to mom and she wasn't an esper. She was a normal person and had no powers, no psychic powers, so it wasn't fair that she couldn't like whoever she wanted. It wasn't fair at all…but she would never say anything like that. She would never tell dad that he was being unfair. Then he would be mad and if he got mad he might take it out on Sho. That was not something that Mob would ever let happen.
"No, I didn't marry your father because he's taller than me…I married him because I love him." said Masami. That was the best answer for a six year old. There was only so much that a six year old girl could understand.
"Why did you fall in love with him?" asked Mob. There had to be a reason…right? People didn't just fall in love at random…right? If Mob knew why she had fallen in like then she could pick the next person she fell in like with. She could pick another esper so that dad wouldn't be mad at her.
"There wasn't one reason in particular." Said Masami. He had been charming in his awkwardness. He had been handsome, he still was handsome, but at the time she had never been with a man as handsome as he had been. He cut a good figure in that suit, the one he was always wearing, and back then when he had been wearing that charcoal grey one….but Shigeko did not need to know that her mother had thought about her father like that. She was only six.
"So it wasn't love at first sight?" asked Mob. They said in Frozen that love at first sight wasn't real. They also said that in Enchanted, too, but that was a movie that was only half animated…and Mob felt like that mattered for reasons that she would think about later. Animated movies were just better than ones with real people so it was easier to trust animated movies.
"No, not at first sight." Said Masami. She had been attracted to him at first sight. The love had come later. Not much later. The love had come at a love hotel. When he had held her, afterwards, and told her that he cared for her. He had said it so quietly. She had barely even heard him above her own breathing. He had said it, though, and at that moment she knew that she loved him…and Shigeko was way too young for that story.
"How did you and dad meet?" asked Mob. The question had jumped into her head and she hadn't had time to think about it before she asked. She wondered if she was prying. Dad said not to pry into his life, sometimes, when she asked him questions about his life. Also sometimes he just told her things about his life…he could be so confusing sometimes. So could mom, really.
"At the train station." Said Masami. That was an easy one to answer. It had an answer that a six year old could easily understand and be content with. Shigeko had never taken this much of an interest in her parent's lives before this….Masami wondered why. What did she hope to gain by asking all of these questions? Shigeko didn't just ask questions for no reason…she must have been…been trying to figure something out….or been trying to gain something….but what?
"What train were you taking?" asked Mob. Maybe circumstance was what mattered. Maybe if she got the circumstances right then when she met another esper, a boy esper who was not her brother, if she met him in the right way then she could make herself fall in like with him. Then dad would not have been mad at her.
"I wasn't on a train…why does that matter?" asked Masami. She watched her Daughter carefully. She was impassive as always, a tiny Touichirou, and just as difficult to read. It was amazing that she had ever managed to puzzle out what it was that went on in Touichirou's head sometimes….and maybe she wasn't as good at it as she thought that she was.
"What day was it?" asked Mob. Maybe if it was on the right date at the right place then she would meet someone dad would have liked and then it would have been ok that she wanted to hold hands with whatever boy it was that she would end up meeting.
"A Tuesday….but why do you-" said Masami
"What was the date?" asked Mob. Dates could be important to. Like how being born on a certain date meant that you were a certain sign and then that mattered…somehow….Mob wasn't sure how it mattered but it mattered…at least Ito, from her class, said that it mattered….and Ito did get good grades and was popular….
"Why does that matter?" asked Masami trying her best to get to the end of this. She did not want to think about Touichirou. Shigeko had picked a hell of a time to be interested in her parents' past. She wanted to know…and Masami did not want to think about it.
"Because I want to know. Did you see dad first or did he see you first?" asked Mob. In movies usually the girl saw the guy first and then she wanted to be with him so she went on an adventure and then they got together….Mob hoped that she didn't have to go on any adventures. She liked it at home. She would only go on an adventure if Sho was there with her.
"I saw him-" said Masami. She didn't want to think about this. She didn't want to think about the red haired stranger she had met on that cold day all those years ago. She didn't want to think about what happened, the mistakes she had made…some of the mistakes that she had made. Sho was not a mistake.
"What was the first thing you said to him?" asked Mob. That mattered to. The first thing she had said to Taro had been 'thank you' because he had picked up her pencil after it fell. The first thing he had said to her was 'Suzuki, you dropped your pencil' which didn't seem very love at first sight but Mob had no idea what it was that people said to each other when they fell in love…or, rather, like because she was only in the first grade. Love was for when you were old enough to kiss someone. She wondered what that was like….not that she would ever ask her mom what it was like to kiss dad. Ick. No way.
"Shigeko-" said Masami running a hand through her hair. Clean and light. She had showered that day. It had been an effort but she had showered. It had taken a lot of effort, actually, just like this was taking a lot of effort. Shigeko could be so draining sometimes.
"What was the first thing he said to you?" asked Mob. Maybe what the boy said mattered. That was what it felt like, sometimes, that boys just picked girls. She wished that a boy would just pick her. An esper boy that dad would have liked for her. Then he wouldn't have been mad at her for being with a boy who wasn't an esper….even though it was so unfair. Why did dad get to be in like with whoever he wanted? How could he just make one rule for her and then another for himself? That wasn't fair!
But it was not her place to tell her dad what was and was not fair.
"Shige-" said Masami. She needed a minute to think, to breathe, to marshal what little energy she had left. Draining. This whole thing was just so draining. Her whole life was just so draining. When had this become her life? When had…when had this become…it? She had been so young then, though it had only been about seven years ago….felt like seventy. She felt so old and tired and….and she wasn't even forty yet.
"Did you decide to get married then? How long did it take for you to decide that you wanted to marry him? Why did you start to like him? When? Mom-" said Mob trying to get as many questions out as she could. They were popping into her head so fast she had to say them before she forgot. She needed to know. She needed to know how it all worked so that way she could fall in like the right way next time and then dad would have been happy with her.
"Shigeko! Please!" said Masami reaching the very end of her rope with this. The minute she said it, shouted it, she wished that she could have taken it back. Shigeko was only six years old. She couldn't help but be draining, that was just how kids were.
"I'm sorry mom…" said Mob. Great. Now she had said the wrong thing again and now mom was mad and maybe she would even end up getting sick again. It was all Mob's fault. Mom wasn't like dad, her getting mad at Mob wouldn't spare Sho, because mom never got mad at Sho in the first place.
"It's fine, Shigeko, it's fine. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just want to know….where is this coming from?" asked Masami trying her best to keep calm. She wanted to lay down. It would have been easy, she was on the couch after all. She could have just let herself fall back and…and she could have but she wouldn't. She had to be there for Shigeko. She was hurt, it seemed, and her hair was floating. It would do no good to upset her, she didn't have the best control to begin with…
"Where's what coming from?" asked Mob. She didn't cry, she didn't sniffle, she didn't let herself do anything. Dad hated it when she showed her feelings. She was a good daughter, she would not do the things that upset dad…even though she didn't know what was wrong with showing her feelings. She knew that losing control was bad because she could have hurt something or someone but just showing feelings…dad said that showing feelings was weak. He didn't want her and Sho to be weak…even though there was nothing wrong with having feelings and showing them. Mom had said so a long time ago when she and Sho had been little…
But she and Sho were not little anymore.
"All of these questions. What brought all of this on?" asked Masami. She needed to know what Shigeko was getting at…if she was even getting at anything. She was a six year old girl. She might have just been asking questions for the sake of asking questions. What motives could a six year old possibly have? Shigeko was…she was not like other children but…but she was still just a child…
And Masami had to remember that.
"I just….I wanted to know why you married dad. That's all, mom, I just wanted to…to know. Because I don't know about…about stuff like that. I just wanted to know about that stuff, that's all. Why you fell in love with him and…and stuff like that." Said Mob softly. Mom was mad at her…and that was the worst. At least if Dad was mad at her then he wasn't mad at Sho….but mom did not work the same way. She was never mad at Sho, ever, even when he did things that he wasn't supposed to. Even when he did things that used to get him punished mom never did more than ask him to stop a million times. That was because she liked Sho best…and that was good. That meant that mom and dad were back to being evenly dived up. That was a good thing. Now each of them had a parent.
It was a good thing.
"I married your father because I love him and I love him because….because he's a good man." Said Masami. He wasn't. He was cold and distant and selfish…but he was also a good man. He treated her…not badly. He never raised his voice to her and had certainly never raised a hand to her. He put this roof over her head and clothes on her back and…and he did keep them at a high standard of living…but it wasn't enough. Plus there was what he did to keep his family living so well. She suspect, no, she knew that he was doing some criminal things…and she wished that she didn't. She wished that she could go back to pretending that he was the head of some company or something…but now she knew. She didn't know everything but she knew enough.
She knew enough to be worried.
She knew enough to worry about her safety, her safety and that of the children…and she also knew that she would never totally know what it was that she even had to be worried about. He had always dreamt of living in a world of espers, a world where everyone was like him and nobody had to hide, and he dreamt of ruling that world. Everybody wanted to rule the world. Everybody had those sorts of thoughts. Those 'the fools in power are dragging us to ruin, I could do it so much better' thoughts.
It wasn't like Touichirou was actually going to do something about it…right?
The man detested politics. He wasn't going to go into that…but she had no idea what it was that he even did. Even back then, back on that day when they first met…she hadn't thought to ask him where he was coming in from. Where it was that he had been running off too…and he had done his running off even back in the beginning. Never for as long as he did now but…but he had gone off to pats unknown…which was why she had hurried into bed with him…into this with him…and she hadn't even asked him why he was going.
And now she was stuck.
Not she was stuck in this…this cage. This gilded cage. She was stuck and she…she had tried for so many years to make the best of it. For herself and for her children…but that was becoming more and more difficult as the years went by…but she still had to try. For Sho. For Shigeko. For her son and her daughter.
And that meant not snapping at Shigeko when she asked some simple and totally normal questions.
"Oh…ok. Thanks mom….I'm going to go and do my homework now." Said Mob. Well that didn't really answer anything. She still didn't know how it all worked, loving someone or just liking them a whole lot, and she had no idea what she was supposed to do now that she did like someone…or what she was supposed to do in the future.
The future when she met the person who she was supposed to like.
She could only like someone who dad liked and dad only liked other espers so she…she would have to meet another esper. One who was not her brother. One who was tall. One who could run fast. One who was nice to her. Yes, that was the big thing. Niceness. That was how it worked in movies. The girl always liked the guy because he was nice. Even when the two people fought all the time they still secretly liked each other and you could see it in the niceness. Mob knew that she wanted, if any boy would ever like her back, a boy who was nice to her…and nice to her all the time. Not some of the time like dad was to everyone but all of the time.
Not that Mob had seen dad being all that nice to mom….but she didn't watch them every hour of every single day…..
Maybe that was it. Maybe dad was nice to mom in secret.