Looky! More!
Narrator: All right, we are now back to Kirk and company. They are now completely free from the sand, and are marching resolutely to wherever destiny, and their captain, lead them.
Sulu: (griping) I knew we shouldn't have let the captain lead! We're as lost as flies in a fruit salad.
Narrator: Hey, you messed up my dramatic and inspiring speech!
McCoy: (comforting) It was a nice speech.
Kirk: And anyway, you don't know what you're talking about, Sulu. I have an excellent sense of direction. I always know where I'm going. Why—(he runs into a palm tree)
McCoy: (laughs) What kind of a sense of direction is that?
Sulu: A pretty good one, I'd say. He just ran into the only palm tree for miles.
Uhura: What's so great about a palm tree?
Chekov: Palm trees were first grown in Russia.
Uhura: Again I'll ask: what's so great about a palm tree?
Chekov: Hey, being grown in Russia is pretty special!
Uhura: Not if everything is.
Chekov: Everything is not grown in Russia!
Uhura: Name one thing that isn't.
McCoy: This I gotta hear.
Chekov: Errrrr. Asparagus isn't grown in Russia. It's too disgusting.
McCoy: Spock, do you know if there are any asparagus farms in Russia?
Spock: If you show me the logical behind your question, I will attempt to answer it.
Sulu: Can we stop talking about food? I'm hungry!
Chekov: Even for asparagus? You must be reeeeally hungry.
Kirk: (grumbling) I'm just fine. No need to ask if my head hurts from being banged against a palm tree.
McCoy: So where do we go now, oh bold and fearless leader?
Kirk: (smiles) I like that. "Bold and fearless leader." I ought to get than on a plaque.
McCoy: (sighs) Back to the point...
Kirk: Ummm, you were asking... (snaps fingers) where we're going! That's it; you were asking where we're going!
McCoy: Well?
Kirk: (shrugs) I haven't the faintest idea.
McCoy: (groans)
Sulu: (griping) See? I knew we shouldn't have let him be our leader!
Chekov: Hmmm. Well, maybe we ought to sink about zis.
Sulu: (sarcastically) What a novel idea!
Chekov: (glares at him) Wery funny. Would you like to be ze leader?
Sulu: As a matter of fact, I would. Let's see, if we're heading toward the source of the distress signal, our best course of action would be to, ummm...
Red-shirt 2: Just great. No one here knows where we're going. We're all going to die!
Red-shirt 4: (glumly) Well, we are at any rate. After all, we're red-shirts!
Red-shirt 1: Aauugh! We're doomed! I want my mommyyyy!
Kirk: Oh, everyone be quiet unless you have something useful to say.
Red-shirt 3: I vote we ask for directions at that big building over there.
Kirk: I said, be—wait, what building?
Red-shirt 3: That building. (points) It looks like some sort of information center; I bet they could give us directions.
McCoy: (looks over) You know what, I think that red-shirt has a point. How come none of us thought of that?
Sulu: (warning) We can't take the advice of a red-shirt. We'll all be doomed!
Kirk: Not necessarily. Maybe just the red-shirt will be doomed. Come on, let's go!
Red-shirt 3: What? I'm doomed because I came up with a good suggestion?
McCoy: Life's not fair.
Red shirt 3: I hate it when people say that.
Narrator: They begin walking toward the building. Suddenly, Red-shirt 3 trips over a rock and falls to the ground.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Good. One less doomed red-shirt to have to worry about.
Sulu: I still don't think we should go toward the building without Spock saying so.
Kirk: What do you mean?
Sulu: You know what I mean! You always ask Spock what we should do, and he tells us the most logical course of action. You didn't ask.
Kirk: Maybe it's because it's the only course of action.
Uhura: No it's not. We could stop and rest before my feet fall off from all this walking.
Chekov: I'm not going anywhere until Spock says it's logical.
McCoy: I don't see anything wrong with doing illogical things!
Spock: That is because you are human, doctor. Humans see nothing wrong with starting illogical arguments.
McCoy: I don't start arguments! You and your pointy ears always start the argument!
Spock: Vulcans do not argue.
McCoy: You always say that! That's what starts the argument. You and your logical babbling! Jim, make him stop arguing!
Kirk: I think I'm going to stay out of this.
Narrator: They reach the building.
Sulu: Hmmm. Something about this building looks familiar, but I just can't place it.
Spock: I believe you are experiencing déjà vu. That is the human term for an inexplicable feeling of familiarity.
McCoy: Maybe you saw this place in a dream.
Sulu: No, I don't think that's quite right. I was here before, I know it.
Kirk: Never mind. We need to get inside here. Look: it's a door! And there's a doorbell, too. I'm going to ring the doorbell.
Sulu: I don't think you should do that, Captain. I have a bad feeling about this door.
Kirk: Pah, bad feelings. You're just afraid.
McCoy: I dunno, maybe he's right, Jim. At any rate, ringing the doorbell is so uncreative.
Kirk: What do you mean?
McCoy: If we want to make it really interesting, we should sneak in, through a vent.
Kirk: (doubtful) A vent.
McCoy: Sure, a vent. Heroes always sneak into buildings through a vent, or air duct, or something like that.
Sulu: I don't think we should. It's too cliché.
Kirk: (sternly) You're not giving the orders here, Mr. Sulu. (decisive) All right; I've decided. We're going to sneak in through a vent. Hmmm... now the only thing left to do is to find a vent.
Spock: There is a vent here, Captain, but I must say that I do not see the logic in sneaking into a building when our intent is to ask for directions.
McCoy: You wouldn't understand. It's a human thing.
Spock: That does not make it logical.
McCoy: Maybe we don't care weather it's logical!
Kirk: Stop arguing and help me open this vent!
Narrator: Working together they manage to pry the vent off the wall. The bridge crew and Red-shirts 1, 2 and 4 stare into the dark hole.
Kirk: Heh, heh. Anyone brought a flashlight?
McCoy: I have my tricorder.
Spock: I could disconnect the sensor and fuse it with the energy wire (continues to babble about scientific stuff)
Kirk: Just do it!
Narrator: Spock takes McCoy's tricorder and fiddles with it for five minutes. Then he hands it back to McCoy.
Spock: Press the blue button.
Narrator: McCoy presses it and a beam of red light emits from the tricorder.
All except Spock: Oooooohhh.
Spock: Unfortunately, the beam could be dangerous to—
Narrator: Red-shirt 4 stretches his hand into the beam of light.
Red Shirt 4: Ahhhh! My hand!
Narrator: He disintegrates.
McCoy: Coool! (looks nervous) That only works on red-shirts, right?
Spock: Correct.
Red-shirt 1: Keep that thing away from me!
Kirk: All right, let's go! Into the vent, everyone!
Uhura: (whining) But it's so dark in there!
Sulu: (snickers) Oh, is Uhura afraid of the dark?
Uhura: (glares at Sulu) It's dirty.
Kirk: Well, tough. Everyone has to come. Follow me.
Narrator: Kirk climbs into the vent. Luckily it is just wide enough for him to fit. Spock follows, then McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, and finally, though reluctantly, Uhura. The vent is just wide enough for them to fit into it single file. The two remaining red-shirts are still standing outside the vent, looking nervous.
Kirk: Will some one get those red-shirts into the vent!
Uhura: (griping) You just made me climb into the vent. I'm not going to climb all the way out again just to make a couple of red-shirts follow us!
Red-shirt 1: I'm scared to go in.
Red-shirt 2: Me too. I might die.
Kirk: (angry) Tough! Get in here now or you will die!
Red-shirt 2: Err, okay.
Narrator: The two red-shirts climb into the vent after the rest of the crew. Unfortunately, as McCoy is near to the front of the line, and he is the one holding the tricorder, none of the light reaches the red-shirts at the back.
Red-shirt 1: Augh! I'm scared of the dark!
Red-shirt 2: Would you rather be zapped by that tricorder?
Kirk: Quiet back there!