It was raining.
The sky had been grey and dark when Mob had left home and now it was raining. It was like the sky had opened up and all of the water in it was pouring out like a faucet. Mob was standing on the school steps. She wasn't getting wet, there was a little roof above her, but she was getting cold. The sky was dark and everything was wet and her finger felt frozen. She tucked them up into her sleeves.
Mom would be a while.
When it rained Sho liked to jump in all the puddles. Mob didn't want him to rush over on her account. She wanted him to be happy. Dad was back. When dad was back it was hard to get Sho to be happy. Dad hadn't even done anything to him and he was unhappy. When they had woken up the morning after dad had come back, Mob forgot to tell Sho that dad had come home, Sho had ran back to his room and wouldn't come out until mom carried him out.
She should have warned Sho.
It was her fault. A lot of stuff was her fault. She wished that she could have just been better. Mom seemed upset, well Sho had said that mom had seemed upset, that morning and that was probably her fault too. She couldn't help the fact that dad's rules, when he was around, took the place of mom's rules…and Mob hadn't touched the stove anyway. If mom was mad at someone then she should have been mad at dad.
Mob didn't want anyone to be mad at anyone else.
She just wanted everyone to be happy. It was a holiday. White Day. White Day was a happy day. That was when girls got chocolate…so maybe it was just a good holiday for her and mom. Dad got her and mom chocolate and he even gave it to them in person….so mom should have been happy. Mob had been happy. She had been…was it right for her to be happy? When mom and Sho were upset?
Maybe mom and Sho would feel better. They both liked the rain.
Mob did not. It was cold out. It was cold and wet and even though she was standing under a roof she could still feel the dampness of the world soaking into her clothes. She wanted to go home and change into her after school clothes and eat her chocolate and do her homework. Maybe she could do her homework with Dad again. He let her work in his office so long as she was quiet. She could be quiet. She could be very quiet….that was why dad liked her.
She had dad and Sho had mom and that was the way it was supposed to be.
Everyone got one parent. Even though other people's families were different…she had been asking around…that was the way that her family worked. Other families weren't espers, though, so that must have been it. That…it sort of made sense. Even though Sho had powers now…he was still mom's and she was still dad's. Dad liked them all…right?
Of course he did.
Dad liked them all and they all liked him and everyone liked everyone else and they were a family and that was the way that it was. Everyone liked everyone and everyone got along and if they didn't then Mob just wasn't working hard enough. She wasn't working hard enough at being a good daughter or a good big sister. That was all. She had to be a good daughter and a good big sister because…because she just had to. There was a feeling, a bad one that she got sometimes, that all of this was just…just something that could go away. That one day she'd wake up and her whole family would be gone and it would all be her fault.
A bad feeling.
She didn't much like thinking about bad feelings. She also wasn't supposed to think too hard about good feelings, either. She was supposed to have feelings that were small, not big, because big feelings would make her lose control. Power was nothing without control, dad had said so. Mob was getting better at her control. She hadn't lost control even once today even though she'd had so many big feelings, both big and little, that she had felt.
She didn't get any chocolate.
But that was ok. She had gotten chocolate from her dad and that was fine. Family chocolate was just as good as non-family chocolate. Besides, if she really wanted chocolate then she could have just had mom add it to the cart the next time she ordered food. Really, she was ok. Boys didn't like her like that…and it was ok. Besides, that kind of stuff was for older kids anyway. She was still just in the first grade. Second graders were all about holding hands and stuff so maybe she'd get chocolate from a boy in the second grade.
If she and Taro ended up in the same class.
Mob tried not to think about him. She was not supposed to like a boy who wasn't an esper…even though the only esper boy she knew was her own brother….dad would have been so disappointed in her. She didn't want dad to be disappointed in her…even if he had no reason to be disappointed in her. He had married mom, he loved mom, and mom didn't have any powers at all. What made it ok for him to make a rule for her that he himself did not follow? Why was that ok? It wasn't fair…not that Mob would ever have told her dad that it wasn't fair. No, she did not get to tell her dad what was and was not fair.
It really was not fair though.
A lot of things were fair.
She was…she was ok, though. So what if she hadn't got any chocolate? So what if she liked someone who she was not supposed to? So what if when she got home mom was probably still going to be mad at her just because she had done what dad had told her to do? She was ok. She was fine. She really was.
"Are you ok?" oh. Mob looked up…and then looked right back down at her shoes.
"Hi Taro….I'm ok." Said Mob
"Ok. That's good…I mean…because you just seemed like you were kind of sad. The way you were just looking at the ground and all…but I'm glad that you're ok." Said Taro. Mob looked up. Right, people thought that you were sad when you looked at the ground. Well people always thought that she was sad. They always thought that she was sad or bored or something like that. She wasn't though, not sad, she was ok. She was always ok. She was Mob. She had nothing to not be ok about.
"How are you?" asked Mob. That was how conversation worked. Someone asked how you were and then you asked them how they were. Also Mob did want to know. She liked talking to him, he was always nice to her. She liked it when people were nice to her.
"I'm ok. Still kind of sad that we had to have indoor recess because of the rain." Said Taro. He kicked the ground a little while he talked. Mob didn't get why. She didn't get a lot of things about how people were. Dad said that it never got any easier. He said that it didn't matter, anyway, because people were supposed to try and understand them, not the other way around. Mob didn't agree but of course she said nothing. She had to be a good daughter and good daughters did not contradict their dads.
"It wasn't that bad…we got to play inside at least instead of doing extra work." Said Mob. She knew that she shouldn't have been like that, not wanting to work. Dad said that work was important and that you couldn't be lazy and shirk it. She should have worked hard at school so then dad would be proud of her…
"Yeah, that part was fun. How come you didn't play with us? We needed someone to be red so we could have an even number." Said Taro
"I don't know how to play Chinese checkers…I mean I don't know how to play that well. My brother and I try to play sometimes but…he's not really good at games that take a long time." Said Mob. The other kids had been playing games and stuff. Mob had just played with the blocks. There was a playroom they went to, sometimes, when they had to have indoor recess. There were games and toys and blocks and stuff like that. Mob had just played with the blocks because that was the only thing left. She didn't know how to play with kids who weren't Sho…even playing with Sho could be hard sometimes. He only wanted to play the games that he liked….but that was ok.
"I would have taught you. I mean if you had wanted me to teach you I would have. I mean only if you wanted me to. You built a really cool tower out of the blocks. I mean before it fell over. I can't build towers that tall, I mean." Said Taro
"Thank you. I don't usually build things that tall…my brother usually kicks them over. He says that building straight up is dumb. We usually build houses for his animals and stuff. Toy animals, I mean, we don't have real animals. My dad doesn't like real animals. Um….do you have any pets?" asked Mob
"No, we can't have animals because my mom is allergic. I'm a little allergic, too, but just a little. Um…are you allergic to anything? I'm allergic to animals with fur and also some colors of food dye." Said Taro
"I didn't know that about you. I don't have any allergies…I'm sorry." Said Mob
"You don't have to be. Allergies suck. I shouldn't complain though. I hear that there's a third grader who can't have peanuts or he'll die. I get sniffly and itchy but at least I won't die." Said Taro
"Die? From peanuts?" asked Mob. It must have been scary, being a normal person. Dead, just from eating. Mob was glad that she had Fukuda, that way if she ever ate something that could kill her he could make her better. Not that she had anything that she was allergic to…and not that she had seen Fukuda in a while. Sho said that he was about to jump off the roof just to get Fukuda to come over again but Mob had mostly talked him out of it.
"I know, it's so scary right? That's why we can't do chocolates at school anymore…well why we're not supposed to. Lots of people still give out chocolates but in secret. Well not totally in secret because they eat their chocolate at lunch but not, like, right where the teacher can see." Said Taro. Mob nodded. She had noticed how much chocolate some of the other girls got. They pretended that it was gross, that a boy gave them chocolate, because that was what you were supposed to do even if you liked someone. Mob didn't get it. Maybe that was how it was supposed to be, though. Dad certainly never told mom that he liked her or he loved her. Not even that morning when he gave her the White Day chocolates. He just said 'Happy White Day. I have chocolates for you and Daughter' and then he gave them chocolates. At least mom's box was bigger.
"Um…did anyone give you any chocolates?" asked Taro
"My dad did." Said Mob. Though maybe that was the wrong thing to say because he just sort of stared at her then. He looked like he was about to say something but he was stopping himself.
"No I mean did anyone at school give you any chocolates?" asked Taro after a while. Mob shook her head.
"No." said Mob. There was more silence. Mob watched the rain falling. It was still coming down really heavy. She hoped that mom had remembered to bring their umbrellas. This was the kind of weather that you could get sick in and she didn't want Sho or mom to get sick…even if it did mean that Fukuda would come to visit. Maybe he would come by anyway to give mom chocolate. That was what you were supposed to do on White Day after all and mom deserved all of the chocolates in the world. Mob didn't mind that she hadn't gotten any from anyone, she didn't mind at all, and mom and Sho could have he chocolates from dad if they wanted them.
"Um…." Said Taro
"Yes?" asked Mob. He was playing with the straps of his school satchel. Mob played with hers, too, because he was playing with his.
"Do you want to see my fossil? I mean I remember you said, before, that you wanted to see it but that was all the way back at Valentine's Day and I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see it but then I thought that…I thought that you might still want to see it and I would have brought it sooner but…um….I didn't." said Taro
"You can show me if you want." Said Mob. She remembered that. That was all the way back on Valentine's Day…a very long time ago. Back when there had still been snow on the ground. Now it was later, a lot later, but he had remembered and…and now her stomach was all flip floppy. She held her braids down with her hands and watched him dig through his bag until he found a rock.
"It looks neat." Said Mob. She tucked her braids into her shirt and then held the rock since he was holding it out like he wanted her to hold it. She felt it with her fingers. She felt the ridges and bumps. There were little shapes in it. It was nice.
"See? I think that this part used to be a leaf…and see this part? I think it's part of a bone." Said Taro as he turned the rock around in her hands. She didn't think that the ridges and bumps looked like anything in particular but she didn't say anything. She couldn't say anything. Her brain was starting to forget how words worked….which made no sense because she had really good grades in reading and writing…but now she just could not remember what she was supposed to say…and she knew she had to say something….
"See? Here, I think it might be a rib bone or a back bone or a neck bone." Said Taro. Mob nodded. She could only nod. Her voice was gone and all the words she knew were melting together into one big word like when mom melted cheese and stuff on the stove and Mob felt like she was a stove, warm and hot to the touch, and she wondered if she was red because she felt red and warm and-
And his hand was over hers.
"See? There." said Taro. Mob nodded again. She nodded and his hand was still over hers and her heart was beating so fast she could feel it in her ears and her braids were trying to escape from where she had tucked them under her shirt and-
"Do you like…do you like this?" asked Taro. Mob nodded. He was talking about the rock in her hand, obviously, and not that he was…he was just showing her where to feel, that was all. Like how mom used to put her hand over hers and Sho's when she was teaching them how to write. Yes, that was what it must have been. She was just thinking way too much into this.
Of course she was.
She was Mob. Who would want to hold hands with her?
"Do you like…do you still like Hello Kitty?" asked Taro. Mob nodded again. She still had the Hello Kitty school satchel after all…and now it felt like it was rising up off of her back….she felt like she could have risen up off the ground too. She tells her powers to stop. Power was nothing without control. She wasn't supposed to use her powers where other people could see, that was a mom rule and a dad rule. She wasn't supposed to use her powers…even on accident…
"Do you…do you like chocolate?" asked Taro. Mob nodded again. She needed to find some words, to make some words, but she didn't know any words. It was like her tongue had forgotten how to move, like the lady on TV who got stung on her tongue by a bee and then she lost the ability to talk and taste and stuff. Maybe Mob would end up like that, too. Well at least, then, she would have had an excuse for why she couldn't talk…
"Hey um….Mob? Suzuki, I mean…because that's your name, Suzuki. Um…I got you…um…." Said Taro. Mob watched him. He was turning red, too, but maybe that was just from the cold. Maybe. Probably. Sho turned red in the cold…and it was pretty cold out.
Her hand was cold.
Because he took his hand off of hers.
To put the rock back in his bag. He put the rock away and then he just sort of stared at his bag for a while. Mob took this time to keep her feet planted firmly on the ground. She had been floating, well starting to float, and that was not a good thing at all…
"Here! This is for you!" said Taro. He stood up really fast and shoved something into Mob's arms. She took a step back from the sheer force of it. She got her footing quickly and looked down. There was something pink and plastic in her hands…
Oh.
It was a box of Hello Kitty assorted chocolates. But why would he get her a box of chocolates? Because it was White Day? But they didn't have to give obligation chocolates in the first grade, their teacher had said so, and even if they had to give obligation chocolates Mob wouldn't have expected any. Why would someone give her chocolates when they didn't have to?
She didn't understand.
But she still had to be polite.
"Thank you." Said Mob finding some words. Words for the situation. When a person gave you a gift you said thank you. You didn't ask why it was given, that was impolite, and she was supposed to be polite all the time.
"Y-you're welcome….uh…I was at the store with my mom and I saw that they had Hello Kitty stuff and then I thought about you and how you liked Hello Kitty so I bought you this…well my mom bought it but I picked it out…and um…Happy White Day!" said Taro. Mob should have said it back. She would have said it back. She would have said it back if she had gotten the chance.
But she hadn't gotten the chance.
Because he ran away.
But before that he kissed.
He leaned in, kissed her on the cheek, and then ran away.
"I…" said Mob. She didn't know what to say or do or-or-or-anything! That was….what? What?! How had…why had….what?! Just…she did not understand. She could not begin to understand. She had been…she had been kissed…well it wasn't like she hadn't been kissed before but that was not a kiss from mom….or from Sho…
She took a step forward.
And another.
And another.
Even though he had long since run past the gates and down the street. Even though she was standing out in the rain and the cold and the…the rain…what had happened to the rain? It had stopped hitting her over the head. Her shoes…she could feel only the toes of her school shoes touching the ground…and her hair…her braids had come free from her shirt…and she…she didn't care because…
She couldn't.
She could barely even think let alone care.
This was…she had never been so happy in her whole, entire, life…
"Suzuki Shigeko!" oh. Mom. Mob felt her feet start to touch the ground. She was grabbed by the arm, roughly, and she almost lost her grip on the box of chocolates in her hand. That hurt…mom must have hurt her on accident. Mom had never hurt her before…but mom had never grabbed her like that before, either…and it hurt. It hurt and she told mom it hurt but Mom might not have been able to hear her. She was walking with loud footsteps and talking really loud, too.
"….can't believe you! You think that you can just do whatever you want? Do you!? Well you can't! There are rules! I cannot believe that you would deliberately…." Said Mom as she dragged Mob down the road. Sho followed them. She made eye contact with him. He looked away. He was all wet. He had two umbrellas. One was his Zootopia one, his new one because his old one broke when he used it as a sword one too many times, and in his other hand was her Frozen umbrella. The one with Elsa and Anna hugging on it.
Mob was getting all wet.
But at least Sho was dry.
"….think you can do whatever you want! Well you can't! You just can't! Just because your father…." Mom was dragging her too hard and too fast, mom had very long legs, and Mob thought she was going to trip…but she hadn't. Not once. She was proud of herself for not tripping. She was happy that mom was mad at her, too, because that way there wouldn't be any anger left for Sho…not that mom was ever mad at Sho….
"Mom?" asked Sho quietly. He was being quiet, which was weird for him, and his colors were showing too. Red. A lot of it. They weren't walking fast anymore, no, they had made it home. Sho looked…Mob thought that he looked scared but she wasn't sure. She was bad with faces. She wondered how she looked. She had been so happy….but now she wasn't….
She was sad.
Because she had been so happy, before. Because she had been so happy…it was like falling down. From low to the ground it didn't hurt but from high up….but she deserved to feel bad. She had been bad. She had lost control of her powers. She had let herself feel big feelings. Power was nothing without control. Dad had said so. He would be so disappointed in her…
She had been such a bad daughter.
She had both lost control and let a boy who wasn't an esper kiss her….dad wouldn't just be disappointed….he would be mad. He'd be so mad at her…even though she hadn't done anything wrong! She hadn't mean to use her powers and she hadn't….dad could not make one rule for himself and another for her! It wasn't fair!
Her colors showed.
The rain stopped again.
Mom let go of her.
"Get inside." Said Mom in a tone that Mob had never heard from her before. They were at the front door…so what else had mom been expecting her to do? She had no choice but to go inside. This was her house. This was Castle Suzuki and she was Suzuki Shigeko so of course she'd go inside….and mom didn't have to yell at her…mom had never been this mad at her before….she was acting like…like Mob didn't even know what….
Like how dad was with Sho.
Mean.
Mob slipped out of her shoes in the genkan. She put her school bag down where it always went…and she clutched her chocolates really close. So close that she could feel the box starting to bend. She wanted…she didn't even know what she wanted. A time machine? Maybe. But she had seen enough movies about time travel to know that it was a bad idea…
She had no idea what she wanted.
"Go to your room." Said Mom in that same tone. Mob nodded. She wanted that. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be all alone so she could…think? Think about what she had done. Think about all the rules she had broken and how she had been such a bad daughter….and she was such a bad daughter…and dad would think so too…
Mob went to her room.
She changed out of her uniform.
She hung it up on her wardrobe to dry.
And she just sat on her bed. She sat on her bed and stared at the chocolates in her hands. She didn't know how long she had sat there for. Long enough for the smell of cooking to fill the house. Long enough for the sun to go down. Long enough for Sho to finish what little homework kindergarteners got and to try and talk to her.
"Sho! Leave your sister alone! Come and help me." That was what mom had said when Sho had tried to come into their room. She had been so happy to see him. He looked ok which meant that he hadn't gotten in trouble with anyone…not that Mob even knew what he could have done wrong…but she was happy that he was alright either way.
And that he had wanted to spend time with her.
"Don't cry if dad hits you. It just makes him hit you more." That was all that Sho had time to tell her. Mob nodded even though dad had never hit her before….though she had never given him a reason to hit her….and now she's worried…but dad would never…
But she had never given him a reason to.
She sat very still on her bed. So still. So still she even forgot to breathe. She could feel…dad was in the house…and he was….he didn't feel mad. He felt…normal. Maybe mom wasn't planning on telling him. Maybe mom knew that if she told dad about what happened then dad would be mad and not love her anymore and then she'd be all alone and also Sho would be in danger because dad might end up taking it out on Sho…and that would have been the worst thing ever…
The worst.
Worse than missing dinner.
Worse than missing homework time.
Worse than skipping her bath.
Just…the worst.
She was shiver even though she was in a warm dry room and in warm dry clothes. She was shivering and her stomach hurt…maybe because she had missed dinner. Maybe because she hadn't eaten since lunchtime…she was hungry then…
But she didn't eat.
She didn't go out and see if she could have dinner with her family and she didn't eat her chocolates, either. No. She didn't even want them anymore. She held the box in her hands. She wanted to throw the box across the room as hard as she could. She wanted to forget this whole day, to remove White Day from the calendar for the rest of eternity. Valentine's Day, too, and any other holiday that had to do with liking someone and giving gifts and getting them…she just wanted it all to be over. She wanted…she wanted it all to be over and done with and she wanted…she wished that she had never been bad or gotten these chocolates or gotten her hand held or gotten…kissed….
She wished that she could have just forgotten that day and everything that had happened in it.
But she couldn't.
Because she had been trying to forget and she couldn't. That wasn't how forgetting worked, first of all. You forgot memories when you didn't use them, like in Inside Out, and in trying to forget the memory she was using it…and that was just making it worse. It didn't even feel good, remembering, because…because it hadn't been a good thing. It hadn't been a good thing even though then, in that moment, it had been the happiest moment of her life…
She touched her cheek where she had been kissed.
So that was what it was like. So that was what it was like to be kissed by someone. Not for real like big kids and adults did…she would have died right then and there if Taro had kissed her for real….but she had been kissed…and that was what it was like. To be kissed. To have her hand held…it had been just as god as she thought that it would…
And she would never feel like that again.
"Daughter." Mob felt dad before she saw him. She looked up and tucked the box of chocolate close. She didn't want it anymore…but she also didn't want dad to take it away, too….it was confusing. This was confusing. The way she felt…she had never felt so…so scared…before. Of dad. She was worried, before, about how he treated Sho but she had never been afraid of…of dad…before.
"Dad." Said Mob. She looked up. He didn't seem mad…she didn't think he was mad, anyway. His aura was calm and he looked bored, as always….but who could tell with dad?
"You missed dinner." Said Dad. He wasn't asking a question, it seemed, but making a statement. People turned their voices up at the end of sentences to show that they were asking a question…but then again dad never did that…
"I did." Said Mob. Dad didn't like a lot of talking. Well sometimes he did but he always told you what he wanted. Well he told you if you did something wrong. Mob had already done something wrong, she didn't want to do anything else wrong. She wished that dad would just tell her what she had done wrong and told her how terribly she had messed up…
"Your mother sent you to your room. Did she also exclude you from dinner?" asked dad
"I think so. She didn't tell me not to have dinner but she also didn't tell me that I could have dinner." Said Mob
"I see…why? Your mother has been acting unusually. I don't recall her ever punishing you like this. What did you do?" asked Dad. Mob thought for a moment. She could have lied…it would have saved her trouble….dad didn't know what she had done….but that would have been lying and lying was wrong. She wasn't supposed to be a bad daughter….if she was a bad daughter then dad wouldn't want her anymore…and then she'd be all alone….
"Dad….I was bad." Said Mob. She closed her eyes and waited for Dad to yell at her or tell her that she was awful or hit her like he hit Sho…but he didn't.
"Your mother said that you lost control…I wouldn't consider that to be bad behavior. I am disappointed in you for losing control…and in public too…but you are young…" said Dad. She looked up at him. He looked down at her. He was so tall and she was so small….
"I made myself float and I stopped the rain." Said Mob
"Stopped? How?" asked dad
"The rain got caught in the air." Said Mob
"Individual drops?" asked dad. Mob nodded. She bowed her head and closed her eyes. She wondered if kowtowing would have been better…but no, dad…he always complained about people kowtowing to him….she didn't know what to do…
"Yes….I'm sorry, dad, I really am. I didn't mean to." Said Mob
"I know that you didn't mean to. You're young and you lose control…and I am not happy with it…but I know that it was not out of malevolence. I ask that you take more care in the future. Power is nothing without control, remember that." Said dad. Mob nodded. She nodded but still kept her head down. She wished that dad would just get to the punishing already. Punishing her or telling her that she was a bad daughter or something….
"Are you going to yell at me?" asked Mob
"Have I ever?" asked Dad
"No." said Mob…even though she wished that he would. If he yelled at her then he wouldn't yell at Sho. She had no idea if Sho had done anything bad lately, she hadn't seen him in hours, but she knew her little brother and he usually had done at least one bad thing by now.
"Then I won't now. You don't need me to raise my voice with you. You have enough presence of mind to know when you've done something wrong and you know to correct your behavior. I've always liked that about you." Said dad. Mob…didn't know how to feel about that. She was happy that dad had said he liked something about her…but she still felt guilty. Dad should have been yelling at her…like he did to Sho….
"A-and you aren't going to…to hit me?" asked Mob. Dad raised an eyebrow. His colors moved, too, but not like he was mad. She knew what his aura looked like when he got mad.
"Have I ever?" asked Dad
"No but…but I was bad…I did bad things…" said Mob
"Things? Plural?" asked dad
"Mom…she didn't tell you?" asked Mob
"No. Your mother only told me that you had lost control in public. Well she seems to think that you used your powers on purpose but I know that you would never do anything like that….right, Daughter?" asked Dad
"It wasn't on purpose…it was because I had a lot of big feelings…and then I lost control…and you're always saying how I'm not supposed to lose control. So I was bad." Said Mob softly. She felt her hair moving…that was dad.
"This is what I like about you. Unlike the useless morons I have to deal with you admit your mistakes and you know to remedy them in the future. You're a good daughter, Daughter, and I'll ask your mother when you'll be permitted to eat again." said Dad. He touched her hair again, with his powers, like how mom was always touching Sho's head…
Dad wasn't mad at her.
She smiled. Dad left her room. She kept on smiling. She felt the box in her hands and her smile turned into a frown…she should have told Dad about….but the time had come and passed. She hid the box under one of her stuffed animals. She'd…she'd figure out what to do with that later. Tomorrow. She'd think about it tomorrow…when White Day was over…
Because right now it was dinnertime.
Even if she had to eat on her own it was still good.
Nobody was mad at her….