DISCLAIMER: Don't own Superman, X-Files, Capcom, and Goobers.
A/N: I'd just like to say that I forgot to mention that this particular story was also co-written with Scythe. Thank you.
"A zombie, eh?" McDonalds had suddenly remembered, either by some miracle or simply bad plot design, just how easy zombies were to kill. "You think you're tough shit, eh?"
McDonalds brandished his lead pipe, as the zombie put it's hands up in that classic zombie pose and moved towards him. While this little display was going on, Wesker was still trying to get up, Spastic was sitting on the ground looking foolish, and Tofu was moaning softly to himself.
McDonalds then proceeded to beat the zombie with extreme force. Limbs flew everywhere, in fact the zombie's hand hit the ground right at McDonalds feet and flipped him off.
"Owned bitch!" McDonalds yelled as, he stomped on the dismembered hand.
CRAAAACK!
Wesker popped his back into place while watching McDonalds do his little victory dance all over parts of the now severely dead zombie. The victory was short lived as an entire heard of pissed of zombies emerged from the trees.
"Well then, I suppose we will have to run for our lives again." Wesker sighed, cleaning his glasses. "Why do things like this always happen when I need to steal something? Must be a conspiracy."
"The truth is out there..." mumbled Spastic.
Wesker groaned as he was assaulted by X-File theme music. This was the second time that had happened. It appeared that his love of science fiction was becoming rather bothersome lately.
"Alrighty then, time to run like hell back into town."
"Why?" McDonalds asked, poking at his kill.
"Cause it says we have to." Wesker held up a Resident Evil: Survivor strategy guide. "See we have all kinds of things we have to do."
"Where did you get that?"
"Capcom offices. You wouldn't believe the stuff they leave lying around."
At about this time, a body fell out of the sky, landing God knew where.
"Whoa!" Spastic shouted.
Two second later a chopper crashed, and out stumbled some guy in a green coat.
"Who am I?"
"You are you! We must go, now!!" McDonalds had finally spotted the approaching zombies.
By this time, Tofu managed to fully awaken and stand up. Although I'm not exactly sure how a giant hunk of bean curd stands up when it doesn't have any legs. One of those mysteries of life I guess.
"Damn it all to hell, who took a chunk out of me?!" Tofu pulled yet another combat knife and glared at everyone, his eyes finally settling on McDonalds. "YOU ARE MINE, FOOL!"
"Oh yeah, bitch?!" McDonalds got his pipe ready.
The zombies moved closer. Several of them started pulling money out of there pockets. Not wanting to waste a great opportunity, Wesker started making wagers of his own and giving odds on the up and coming fight. Spastic did his usual watch and drool routine.
"Come on!!" Tofu yelled.
McDonalds clubbed the knife out of Tofu's hand. It flew through the air and hit some poor zombie in the head, killing it. Wesker quickly picked up the zombie's dropped money and pocketed it. Tofu then grabbed McDonalds pipe and threw it away, killing yet another zombie. Wesker wasted no time in collecting that late zombies money as well. Tofu then grabbed McDonalds by the neck, and proceeded to strangle him, while McDonalds punched Tofu in the ribs. Wesker stood on the sidelines wishing they'd kill a few more spectators, while Spastic continued to drool.
"TOFU! TOFU! TOFU!" Cheered the zombies.
Somehow they both wound up rolling around on the ground. Then McDonalds managed to gain the upper hand as he forced Tofu into the bonfire. This would of course be the bonfire where our three friends had been having their beer/banjo party, before everything went to hell..
"MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!" Cheered the zombies.
Then, from out of nowhere, came a high pitched scream. Wesker froze like a deer in headlights, then slowly started to slink off.
"That's my amulet!" Sherry Clone #1 screeched.
"Wait, Claire!" Sherry Clone #24 bellowed.
Wesker now proceeded to slink off a bit faster. Tofu and McDonalds were oblivious to the threat drawing ever closer, and Spastic…well he just kept on a drooling and looking his normal brainless self. The guy with no memory, who the readers obviously know is Ark, is just sorta standing there looking confused. It should be known that this is his normal look throughout the entire fic.
"My dad's a scientist!"
"Watch out!"
"There's a big monster!"
"Claire!"
"Icky!"
The woods were becoming saturated with high pitched annoying children. Even the zombies started looking around nervously. McDonalds and Tofu finally realized what was going on…of course by now it was too late…
"So…annoying!" McDonalds moaned passing out.
Tofu somehow managed to stagger to his feet, but was too weak to run. He too fell unconscious to the ground. Wesker continued to back slowly away as the Sherry clones began to invade the clearing…
Alright, alright, so maybe he wasn't that calm about. Maybe he proceeded to run away like a scared 10 year old girl, while crying mommy in a somewhat high pitched voice. I mean, he's a treacherous bastard not superman…
However, his panicked run was short-lived as he was jumped by several Sherrys.
"OH GOD NO!!" He screamed as they drug him to the ground.
"DADDY" Several of them screeched, much to Wesker's horror and dismay.
"NO ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!" He tried desperately to shove several of them away but they wouldn't budge. "I AM NOT YOUR FATHER!! WILLIAM BIRKIN IS YOUR FATHER!!"
"Daddy!" they screamed in unison. "We have a new cooler mutant Daddy now!!"
Wesker broke into tears...mumbling something about being in the seventh level of hell...
Meanwhile…
McDonalds finally came back to consciousness, and immediately noticed Wesker and his people pile of Sherry clones. In that one second of staring blankly, something miracles happened…he got an idea.
Write this down folks, it probably won't happen again for a while.
He grabbed one of the Sherry's amulets and threatened to throw it over the, conveniently placed, cliff if they don't let go of Wesker. The Sherry's turned, slowly moved toward him, then suddenly pounced. What happened next was pure reflex...he let go of the amulet…it fell over over the cliff…
"AHHH!!!!" Yelled each Sherry, as they jumped over the cliff to get the amulet.
"Thank god! But there must be more of them!" Wesker was red faced and shaking slightly.
"SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL! SHERRYS!" Tofu screamed, pointing behind McDonalds and Wesker.
Wesker craned his neck around, spotted the Sherrys, and broke down into tears. Spastic had, at this point, finally realized that they were under attack and proceeded to scream. Ark in the meantime was still looking confused, but now he was rubbing at his head. It was at this time, for some unknown yet extremely funny reason, Tofu decided that it he should to run around in circles screaming Oh my god, instead of doing something constructive to fight off the hoard of Sherrys.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! AHHHH!"
So now we have a piece of Tofu screaming like a girl, we have Wesker screaming like a little girl, and Spastic is…well…screaming like a little girl. The only two people not screaming is McDonalds and Ark. Ark would probably be screaming, if he wasn't so preoccupied with trying to figure out who he was.
"I must save these people!" McDonalds yelled heroically.
He then picked up Wesker and flung him over his left shoulder. He grabbed Tofu and flung him over his right shoulder. He snatched Spastic's leash off the ground and ran as fast as he could, with Ark trailing behind like a lost puppy. Unfortunately…the Sherrys were catching up.
"AHHH!! AHHH!!!" Screamed Wesker.
"Calm down you blonde bimbo!!! You seem to know something about them, what is it!?" McDonalds asked still trying to outrun the Sherrys.
"Those are clones of my best friend's kid!" Yelled Wesker. "I thought this would happen, so I brought something to stop them." He pointed to his pocket.
"Gee, I thought you were just happy to see me!" Said Tofu.
McDonalds grabbed the box out of Wesker's pocket and read the instructions:
Dr. Birkin blow up doll, pull the pin for immediate inflation
He took it out of the package and pulled the pin. He then dropped everybody and ran with the doll to distract the Sherrys. It worked.
"Hmm. It worked. So, who wants to go to McDonalds and get a Big Mac or something? Or we could go for the new garden fresh salads....nah. I'd rather have a heart attack and eat a Big Mac" Tofu glanced at Wesker.
Wesker picked himself up off the ground, extremely glad that the Sherrys were now chasing McDonalds and not him.
"I haven't went to McDonalds since Raccoon." he mumbled wiping a speck of dust from his combat uniform.
"Oh." tofu said a bit sadly.
All of a sudden the forest was a screeching haven of Sherrys once more. Why?
Because that stupid idiot had doubled back, and he was still carrying the damn doll!!
"Throw the doll you MORON!" Wesker nimbly dodged two Sherrys. "Now would be a good time!!"
"Oh yea!"
McDonalds threw the doll over the cliff, and the Sherrys quickly followed screaming Daddy! and Wait for me!
With the disaster averted for the moment, Wesker snatched up his strategy guide and lead everyone back to town...
Five Minutes Later
"Alright, according to the book..."
"Excuse me, do you know who I am?" Ark asked, poking Wesker in the arm.
"Well you are..."
At that precious moment, a young Asian man in a sharply dressed suit, popped out of nowhere and slapped Wesker up side the head.
"Hey, you want to ruin the game!" He snapped.
Wesker rubbed at his head, glaring. Everyone else stood there, shocked that anyone would dare strike the infamous Albert Wesker. Secretly they were all laughing their asses off and rooting for the little Asian guy to kick Wesker's ass.
"How dare you!"
"Oh shut up, you blonde bimbo." He flipped open a wallet, displaying a Capcom identification card. "I'm with the Capcom Plot Police. We cannot allow you to simply give away the plot of the game, no matter who you are."
"HEY YOU, Capcom guy!"
While Wesker made plans to severely torture and maim the cop, Tofu ran up to him and place a knife to his throat.
"You are going to get me the copy of Resident Evil 1.5 at Capcom HQ!"
"What…are you talking...about…"
"You son of a bitch! I KNOW it's there!"
"Alright! Alright! Please don't hurt me!"
"HAHAHA! IT WILL BE MINE! BAHAHAHA!"
Throughout this entire ordeal, McDonalds looked about as clueless as Ark did. Spastic wasn't doing a whole lot of anything, and Wesker…well he was still having murderous fantasies involving the Capcom Cop.
"Here it is you hunk of hippy!" The cop threw Tofu a game box, then made a run for it.
"Hey! What the hell is this!?!" Yelled Tofu, holding up a box that said Resident Evil: Gaiden.
"AHHH! THROW IT AWAY!!" Wesker screamed, turning several shades paler than normal.
Tofu quickly rid himself of the game, tossing it over his shoulder.
"Hey! I'm..."
BONK
"Oww..." Ark rubbed at his head, then looked around blankly. "Who am I?"
Fizzle...Pop
Everyone looked down at the now ruined game, which had exploded in a rather unimpressive display only seconds ago.
"Alrighty then, I suppose we have to get through town, head to the Sherry Factory, where we can then ride a little train to another building, where we can find a helicopter and get the hell off this island." Wesker said, reaching for his strategy guide. "Also we'll have to meet two annoying little children, face certain death at every turn, not to..."
Wesker came to an abrupt halt, right in mid ramble. It appeared as though his strategy guide had been pilfered by the Capcom Cop.
"You were saying oh fearless leader?" McDonalds asked with a smirk.
"That way!" Wesker growled, secretly knowing he had no earthly clue where the hell he was leading them.
And so they went back to the beginning, passing the body of the guy who'd fallen off the chopper earlier.
"OOOHHH!! Looky what I found!" Spastic said, holding up a watch, wallet, and a pair of dog tags.
"Ohhhh, dog tags!" McDonalds then snatched them from Spastic and put them on.
"We really should be going!" Insisted Wesker.
"Yes, before a vegetarian zombie finds us!" Said Tofu.
"Fine!" McDonalds snapped.
Wesker glanced around, rather nervously, and finally pointed to the first door he saw…
"To the movie theater!!"
2 Hours Later....
"That was a horrible movie!" Tofu groaned
"Yeah, it was retarded." McDonalds snorted, rolling his eyes.
"Almost as retarded as me!" Spastic squeaked.
"Must block memory." Ark was repeatedly beating himself in the head with a box of Goobers.
"That's not how it happens at all!" Wesker was becoming extremely irate. "Who the hell would call that Resident Evil…it's like some badly written fan fic!"
Everybody looks at the screen, and the poor authoress slaving away at her computer…
"Oh…ahem…uh…to the city!!"
And our intrepid heroes hurried off, lest the authoress decide to torture them further. Of course what our heroes were unaware of, is the fact that their ordeal was far from over…
A/N: For fans of the movie, let me just say this…I really did like the movie, but like everything else RE in this fic I had to bash it.