While Tofu was in the Library trying to get the everyone motivated, and failing miserably at it, a shadow flits through the streets. The sound of running footsteps, along with the sounds of cheesy little girl voices calling Daddy! Daddy, gets louder and louder and closer and closer to the Library.
A man wearing a derby hat, a blue shirt, a gray tie, a brown trench coat, matching slacks, and black and white shoes comes running out of the shadows, a Beretta in his hand. Behind him are countless Sherrys. The man is Larcen Tyler, former cat burglar now sent to investigate the mysterious Sherry Island!
"I'm not your damn daddy!" He screeches, taking off running again. "Now buzz off!"
The countless little Sherry clones continue advancing, still claiming he's Daddy. In frustration, he opens fire while running towards the library. He attempts to open the door but it's locked.
"Damn it!"
In frustration, he jumps through the nearest window, landing inside a room adjacent to the room where the other survivors are. McDonalds, Spastic, Ark, and Tofu all look to the room where Larcen has landed, eyeing is suspiciously. Wesker appears not to care and is still cleaning his glasses in a slow methodical fashion.
"Oh...ouch!" There is a small crash, then Larcen bursts through the door into the room with everyone else. "Oh…hi! Larcen Tyler, former cat burglar."
Larcen smiles, then flips open his wallet and shows the survivors his license to steal. Wesker finally shoves his sunglasses back over his eyes, in very dramatic fashion, and turns his attention to Larcen.
"And what the hell are you creeping around an island like this for?" Wesker frowns. "You'd better not be here to steal any viruses."
"Oh no, no." Larcen holds up his hands, trying to pacify the angered Wesker. "Let's just say the government looks better on you if you help them to rid the world of thousands of annoying little girls instead of stealing priceless works of art."
"And what kind of motive is that supposed to be?"
"Can I help it if the person writing this had a bad case of writer's block? Or that she wasn't being paid enough to write it?"
WC's voice then comes from out of nowhere. "I'm not being paid a cent!"
There is an uncomfortable few minutes of silence as WC's booming voice echoes in the room. Thanks to special effects, it echoes far longer than it should and much more dramatically then one might expect.
"Anyway, basically, I heard about Sherry Island and I wanted to help you guys out."
"You just showed up now?" Tofu rolled his eyes. "What the hell took you so long?"
"Never mind that, we're on a mission, right? So, let's get to it!"
Everyone stares as Larcen strikes a very heroic very Chris Redfield looking pose. This seems to piss Wesker off somewhat. Just as our Treacherous Bastard prepares to beat the hell out of Larcen, the sound of Sherry clones draws closer.
"Oh shit! They're in here!"
No sooner had Larcen finished speaking than the doors swung open and a group of Sherrys came running in. Using his bio-enhanced powers, Wesker ducked behind Tofu before the Sherry clones spotted him. With no Wesker in sight they turned their attention to Larcen.
"Listen, you little punks, I'm not your daddy! How many times do I…"
Suddenly, the Sherrys froze. A strange look came over them. For a moment, time seemed to stand still. Everyone glanced first to the clones, then to Larcen, and back again. Wesker finally crept out of his hiding place.
"Hey, you stopped them!" Wesker smirked. "Maybe you are good for something."
As soon as that was spoken though, a new look came over the Sherrys faces. It was a look unlike the ones they had previously seen. Then the clones began to mutter things like 'You're cute!' and 'What a hunk!' With that said, they began to race towards Larcen.
"Oh great, what did I do now!" Larcen moaned. "This job sucks!"
Then something even stranger happened. Half the Sherrys sped toward Larcen, like a pack of Rabid Fan Girls, and the other half ran toward Wesker screaming Daddy!. Wesker yelped and ducked back behind Tofu trembling with fear. Which is kind of scary in and of itself when you think about it long enough.
"May I suggest we get the hell out of here!"
While Wesker was screaming and trembling with fear, Larcen struggled to get the Sherry clones off of him. Suddenly one of them got at his belt, causing his trousers to drop revealing white boxer trunks with the Pole Position logo dotted all over. Grinning and blushing, Larcen shook the clones off and pulled his pants up, attempting to rebuckle his belt.
"Let's go this way!"
Larcen takes off running, still trying to buckle his belt. Everyone else follows closely behind him, with Wesker still crying and screaming. As they reach a dead end, Larcen heads through a random door, which leads into some kind of break room. Tofu quickly locks the door and blocks it with a couch while Wesker trembles behind McDonalds and Spastic begs Larcen for a treat. Larcen ignores the little moron. Ark is once again looking comatose.
"It looks like we might be safe for now, knock on wood."
Larcen proceeds to check out a nearby refrigerator. Inside he finds all kinds of goodies, including a stock of beer. He grabs a can and takes a drink, seeming satisfied, until his eyes fall on something in the refrigerator. Spitting out his mouthful of beer, he slowly backs away from the refrigerator while the others stare on in horror.
"EEWW! HE SPIT ON ME! HE AIN'T HOT AFTER ALL! COME ON, GET HIM!"
As a Sherry clone crawls out of the refrigerator, several dozen more pour through the ventilation shaft into the room. They then stalk toward Larcen, a murderous glare in their eyes. Wesker screams like a little girl and runs through a nearby door. The remaining survivors glance at each other then take off after him, with the clones only a step or two behind.
"Duh du duh duh, duh duh da da da," McDonalds hummed, catching up with Wesker.
"Where did I hear that before?" Wesker mumbled, still running.
McDonalds turned around and put on his hat.
"Indiana Jones!" Yelled a Sherry clone.
"I hate Sherrys," McDonalds mumbled, as he got out his whip and whipped it at a pipe on the ceiling. "C'mon!"
Everyone glanced first at the oncoming Sherry clones, then to McDonalds, and finally grabbed a hold of him. McDonalds did a dramatic jump and the entire group swung through the window, landing on the roof of the building next door. The group watched, with some sadistic satisfaction, as the Sherrys climbed out of the window and fell to their deaths…again…Sherry clones aren't very bright it seems.
However their joy was shot lived. McDonalds was the first one to notice they were standing on some kind of ramp and before he could stop him…Tofu stood up and took a step forward…
CLICK
"RUN!"
McDonalds took off like a zombie bunny on crack as a large boulder rumbled down the ramp. Just before he could get squished, he jumped to safety just at the right moment. The boulder rolled off the ramp and landed in the street below with a heavy crash.
"Whoa guys, that was close! Guys?"
McDonalds looked around but didn't see anybody. Looking slightly bewildered, he walked back to where they had initially landed and found the rest of the group squashed like pancakes on the ramp. He pulled each one up one by one, gave them a little shake, and they puffed to normal like magic.
"SHIT!" Wesker growled, those familiar yellow eyes showing. "Those were brand new BLEEPING glasses!"
Everyone slowly backs away as Wesker begins pacing the roof, mumbling, and looking quite insane.
"First...I run into McDonalds again...Second...My banjo story gets interrupted by a walking talking block of Tofu with a combat knife...Three...I get attacked by a bunch of rabid Sherry clones who insist on calling me Daddy…Fourth...I had to talk to my Mom...Fifth...I run into some insane cat burglar, dragging Sherrys around with him…Sixth...I get attacked by Sherry clones...again…Seventh...I get run over by a boulder in the middle of a damn town on top of a freaking building…And now to top it all off my favorite sunglasses get shattered all to hell!"
Wesker comes to a stop, still looking insane. He then starts shaking clenching and unclenching his fists. Finally he throws his hands in the air and starts bellowing in that loud deep voice.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Whoa...man's got a good set of lungs on him, I'll give him that." Larcen whispered to McDonalds.
"Oh man, I think he's about to have a mid life crisis or something...anyone got a Valium or maybe some Prozac or something?" McDonalds asked.
Wesker then proceeded to stomp around, pulling at his hair and mumbling.
"No, couldn't go to work in a nice lab and design roach motels or something could I? Oh noooo...I had to work for Umbrella and become a treacherous bastard."
"Um...excuse me, but do you think I could like try and kill you now?"
Wesker spun around and saw a rather large, and somewhat sophisticated looking, tyrant staring at him. Whatever fear Wesker may have had for tyrants appears to have disappeared. He stomped over, his hands balling into fists.
"Look you walking one man demolition crew I am in no mood to deal with you right now! I am not having a good day!"
"Dude, take a pill. I'm just doing what my contract says." The Tyrant then held up a long a somewhat tattered looking legal document. "See, Article 9...Section 6...Paragraph 3...In accordance with Umbrella Law and the Capcom Plot Hole Police the signer of this document is entitled to kill and or maim any playable character or extra he happens to come across. Failure to do so will result in violation of contract, and subsequent firing. You see my dilemma right?"
Wesker mumbled a few well written obscenities and pulled out his own contract.
"See this...Article 5...Section 9...Paragraph 1...Signer of this document is to have no feelings of remorse, guilt, or apathy. Failure to comply will result in said signer being traded to a rival company. At which time he will be forced to dye his hair pink and star in a cheap knockoff of some badly scripted Pokemon game."
"Oh man, that's harsh." The tyrant looked a bit sick to his stomach.
Wesker folded the contract up and put it back in his pocket. He then proceeded to knock the tyrant off the building with one well placed fist. With that threat averted Wesker returned to his nervous breakdown by sitting on the ground, hair standing straight up in the air, and crying.
"I wanna go home!"
"That guy so needs a vacation or like some happy pills or something." Tofu said.
"I give up cat burglary for this? What was I thinking!"
"Yeah, maybe we should give him something for that. Wait, I know!" McDonalds reached into Spastic's pocket, pulled out some pills, and shoved them down Wesker's throat. "That should do for a little while."
5 minutes later the morphine took effect...
"I'm a bird!" Wesker squeaked, running around with his arms straight out at his sides. "I can fly!"
"Dude, he's lost it." Larcen said, giving him a strange look.
"Is this an improvement?" Tofu asked.
"Uh..."
"I want to pick wildflowers and find my soul mate!" Wesker yelled and then proceeded to prance and flounce.
"Tofu grab the nut and lets find a way off of this island." McDonalds sighed, walking across the roof.
Wesker poked Tofu. "Are you edible?"
"Don't get any ideas." Tofu snapped, grabbing him by the back of the shirt.