Abarai-fukutaicho - Stop trying to besmirch your taicho's honor.
Hitsugaya-taicho - You will return to the fourth division at once and not attempt to escape again. Also, you will take the medication Unohana-taicho prescribes, willingly or not. If you continue to refuse, she has full authority to administer it intravenously or in suppository form. She has demonstrated a preference for the latter.
Kuchiki-Rukia - Request for transfer to the twelfth division denied. You will instead be sent to the living world.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - Request for deployment of the entire twelfth division to the human world denied. Get rid of those battleships at once.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please refrain from passing out stickers to those above you in rank and to those outside your division for a job well done. While it may be an effective incentive towards hard work, there is nothing more terrifying than Zaraki Kenpachi covered head-to-toe in yellow smiley face stickers. The banana scented scratch-and-sniff was especially frightening.
Kyoraku-taicho - The answer is NOT 42! The question was rhetorical.
Madarame Ikaku - Return Matsumoto-fukutaicho's brassiere at once. No one wants to know what she'll do when she finds out that you have been using it as a slingshot to fling rotten fruit at other divisions.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Stop writing profane and/or insulting comments about people on the back of your taicho's paperwork in his handwriting.
Soifon-taicho - Your stealth skills are impressive. Everyone knows this. You have nothing to prove. Please stop putting live crocodiles in the eleventh division's baths when they turn their backs.
Zaraki-taicho - Stay away from the recently departed. Even if you're not trying to perform konso. And for the love of all that is holy, stop encouraging them to become Hollows just so you can have a good fight!