Abarai-fukutaicho - Mattress surfing is not the next big sports craze, no matter how tempting a freshly waxed floor is.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - You will be sent the bill for replacement of Soifon-taicho's personal office supplies. She would also like to return the vibrating phallic devices you switched them with. She believes the peacock feather designs were an impressive touch, but would like to remind you to put away your toys when you're finished playing with them.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - We would like to remind you of the "Hollow Incident" of some weeks prior and kindly request that you not startle Hitsugaya-taicho. Many in Seireitei are not as resistant to frostbite as you are.
Hitsugaya-taicho - We understand that Unohana-taicho is trying to ween you off your medication. Be that as it may, you have frightened Kusajishi-fukutaicho. Zaraki-taicho has indicated that your apology to her can be made in the form of candy, and that you are responsible for coaxing her out of hiding. He believes she may be somewhere in the twelfth division.
Kira-fukutaicho - It is very responsible of you to educate your division on basic safety. However, we must request that you stop telling them not to run with scissors and pointing out the possible consequences using Zaraki-taicho as an example.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - We regret to inform you that official records indicate that Kurosaki Ichigo is not the reincarnation of Shiba Kaien. Stop stalking him. He has better things to do than dodge you all day.
Kuchiki-taicho - You may not kill Kurosaki Ichigo. His insinuations as to the purity of your sister, or lack thereof, are lies.
Kurosaki Ichigo - Stop making insinuations about the size of your zanpakuto in relation to the size of your "flesh zanpakuto", even if Kuchiki Rukia claims she has "never seen one that big before".
Kurotsuchi-taicho - Stop convincing other divisions that going nude except for tin-foil hats and full-body woad will prevent Hollow attacks. "Hollows can't see the color blue" is a blatant lie and you know it. Tinfoil repels cats, not Hollows.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please stop switching people's shampoo with pink hair dye. You are one of a kind. We would like to keep it that way.
Kyoraku-taicho - Stop claiming that it is possible to increase your reiryoku through wild monkey sex and advertising your services as a sexy battery.
Madarame Ikaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika - Keep your antics within the walls of your division. I don't care that you were sparring. We do have decency laws!
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - You are not to take advantage of Hitsugaya-taicho's drugged state to drag him shopping. Most of the stores you shop in have a strict age limit.
Zaraki-taicho - When Kurotsuchi-taicho dropped an entire naval battlefleet onto your division, it was not a challenge to a fight to the death.