Abarai-fukutaicho - Stop telling Matsumoto-fukutaicho that you are having a bad day and need a hug.

Ayasegawa Yumichika - Stop following Kurosaki Ichigo around and squirting him with flowery perfume.

Hinamori-fukutaicho - Stop replacing your subordinate's staplers with pre-chewed gum and insisting he use it. We told him to take down the shrine. He is not to be punished.

Hitsugaya-taicho - When I said "get rid of the Tasmanian Devils", I did not mean "lock them in Zaraki-taicho's office". I certainly did not mean for you to wire it for CCTV, sell tickets and take bets on who would come out alive.

Ichimaru Gin - The recently departed soul known as Gary Coleman is enjoying a peaceful afterlife. Stop sneaking into Soul Society and trying to recruit him. No, he is not being recruited by us either and there are no plans to make him a Shinigami. I don't care how funny it would be to have him say "What'choo talkin' 'bout, taicho?", the answer is no. Besides, that stopped being funny years ago. (Credit to Osiris the Dark)

Ise-fukutaicho - You are hereby banned from reading the following titles in public: "Hot Time on the River Wide", "Slave of Summer", "The Tales of the Scarlet Consort", "The Flowering Lily and the Pirate Lord", "Student's Body of Work", "Sensei in the Night", "Sempai in the Night", "Okama in the Knight", "Academy of Passion", "Touch of the King's Men" and "The Comprehensive Women's Guide to Workplace Sexual Harassment and Passive Defense".

Kotetsu-fukutaicho - Your taicho does not have "magic fingers". It may have been an innocent comment, but rumors spread fast.

Kuchiki-taicho - Please stop using your shikai to make an entrance. It is encouraging other Shinigami to imitate you and we now are facing widespread deforestation and the loss of many acres of cherry trees.

Kuchiki Rukia - Stop making up fake kido with vulgar incantations and teaching them to others.

Kurosaki Ichigo - When on duty, you are to wear your standard Shinigami shihakusho and carry your zanpakuto at all times. You are not permitted to wear a black hooded robe and carry a scythe. Appearing to recently deceased souls while wearing this outfit, pointing a skeletal hand at them and declaring it is their time to go is certainly not allowed.

Kurotsuchi-taicho - You cannot see the future. Stop predicting doom for everyone.

Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Komamura-taicho appreciates the thought, but if you feel you absolutely must buy him a gift, he requests that it not be another squeaky toy, dog biscuit or collar.

Kyoraku-taicho - I am not using that CD I confiscated from you for "naughty purposes".

Madarame Ikaku - Stop trying to pimp out Ayasegawa.

Matsumoto-fukutaicho - No matter how hot the summers, you may not switch your shihakusho for a string bikini.

Quincy, Ishida Uryu - Stop ripping the seams out of Shinigami's clothing in such a manner as they fall off in the least advantageous situation. We have discovered that a disturbing amount of Shinigami have no problem with public nudity. - No, you were not just trying to spice up captain's meetings! None of us ever wanted to see that much of Zaraki-taicho! - And stay out of Soul Society!

Shiba Ganju - Please stop aiming fireworks at Seireitei and using the resulting chaos to kidnap Yamada Hanataro.

Urahara Kisuke - Flooding Soul Society with fliers reading "I Told You So" with chibi-devil-Aizens frolicking with Hollows is going too far. You are still officially a criminal. Don't make me send Soifon-taicho after you.

Zaraki-taicho - If you defeat another captain, even if you kill them, it does not mean you get their division too. Each captain is allowed only one division. - Please don't kill the taicho. Despite what some people think, taicho-class Shinigami do not grow on trees.