Abarai-fukutaicho - You are hereby on a two week suspension following your ill advised actions of introducing Zaraki-taicho to the musical stylings of the band known as Kiss. We thought he could not get any more frightening. We were wrong.

Ayasegawa Yumichika - Leave Kurotsuchi-taicho alone. He is not going to create a sex change potion for you.

Hinamori-fukutaicho - No matter how many times you make the request, no matter how politely you word it or how much you threaten, the answer will still be the same. When performing your duties, you may not wear a purple fuku and call yourself Sailor Saturn.

Hitsugaya-taicho - Just because Ukitake-taicho gives you candy does not mean he is a pedophile.

Ise-fukutaicho - The term "Rule 34" has nothing to do with these rules. Stop drawing porn of people and attaching it to the list.

Kira-fukutaicho - Please stop using your zanpakuto on other people's paperweights. Paperwork is always late enough as it is. Stop giving them a legitimate excuse.

Kuchiki-taicho - Before making a trip to the living world, please brush up on their laws and customs. What was commonplace fifty years ago will get you locked up today.

Kuchiki Rukia - If your brother gets arrested in the living world, please inform Seireitei so that we can handle things in a calm and appropriate manner. You are not to take it upon yourself to rescue him. You are certainly not to put a ladies stocking over your head, don a Zorro mask, blow a hole in the wall with dynamite, leap through the debris, declare "Foolish mortals! You'll never defeat me with your pathetic terrestrial ways!", throw him over your shoulder, toss smoke bombs at the ground, yell "Shinigami Jail Break no Jutsu!", leap back out the hole and disappear into the night. - Also, stop reading Kurosaki's manga. It gives you ideas. You, of all people, do not need any more ideas.

Kurosaki Ichigo - Kuchiki-taicho is not a pimp. You are not to attempt to purchase his sister from him.

Kurotsuchi-taicho - The next time you sneak up behind Kurosaki Ichigo in an empty alley late at night and ominously whisper "dooooooom" in his ear, Unohana-taicho will not help you reconstitute yourself.

Kurotsuchi Nemu - Stop referring to yourself as Kurotsuchi-taicho's "love doll". Whoever put you up to this was lying. It does not mean what you think it means.

Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Painting black spots on your subordinates chests does not make them Hollows. Stop trying to slay them.

Kyoraku-taicho - Just because you have seniority over most other Shinigami does not mean the rules do not apply to you. Stop appropriating flowers from Kuchiki-taicho's gardens. If you absolutely must make an entrance with flower petals, you will buy them like everyone else.

Madarame Ikaku - Stop saluting me with "Heil Hitler!"

Matsumoto-fukutaicho - You are to take more thorough precautionary measures in preventing "wardrobe malfunctions" in battle. While flashing the enemy may be an effective battle tactic, it has also led to the deaths of several male Shinigami fighting alongside you.

Ukitake-taicho - You and Kyoraku-taicho both, stop hazing the new captains.

Urahara Kisuke - I know what you're trying to do. I know who put you up to it. Henceforth, if punishment is warranted for your actions, I will not be sending Soifon-taicho. I will instead be sending Zaraki-taicho, drunk and sexually aroused. Tell Shihoin that he has been noted as having said "A cat is fine too."

Zaraki-taicho - Facepaint. Off. Now. No arguments.