Abarai-fukutaicho - Stop playing "War Machine" whenever Zaraki-taicho enters a room.

Ayasegawa Yumichika - Stop sneaking the human soul known as Elvis out of Soul Society. The living humans have begun to notice that something is up. - "I was just following orders" is no excuse. He is not the King of Soul Society!

Hinamori-fukutaicho - Stop biting people! We are in fear for our limbs!

Hitsugaya-taicho - "Kill them all and sort it out later" is never the proper answer.

Ichimaru Gin - Leave Yamada Hanataro alone. He does not want to join the Dark Side. Even if you have cookies.

Kira-fukutaicho - Stop using "spar with Zaraki-taicho" as a punishment for misbehaving subordinates.

Kotetsu-fukutaicho - Your taicho has not left a long trail of broken hearts behind her and, while she may have the skill to do so, she does not break her lover's pelvis with her thighs just because she likes their screams of agony, only to repair them and do it all again. You are now forbidden from consuming alcohol before meetings of the Shinigami Women's Association.

Kuchiki-taicho - You are not allowed to castrate Kurosaki Ichigo for the crime of looking at your sister "funny".

Kuchiki Rukia - Contrary to popular opinion, sometimes "Hollow bites" really are just Hollow bites. When Kuchiki-taicho inquires about the large teeth-shaped marks on your shoulder and arm, you are to tell him, promptly and honestly, about your recent fight with a biting Hollow. You are not to gaze off into space, sigh dreamily and say, "He was very vigorous..."

Kurosaki Ichigo - Stop assuming that any Shinigami who shows up at your house, enters through your bedroom window and asks to stay with you is there for sexual purposes.

Kurotsuchi-taicho - Seireitei does not have "Dress Like a Hollow Day". You are now responsible for the most widespread panic, chaos and injuries among Shinigami by Shinigami than any other event in all of Soul Society history!

Kusajishi-fukutaicho - When visiting the fourth division, please leave your markers at home. Our Shinigami do not enjoy waking from life-threatening injuries to find genitals drawn on their face.

Kyoraku-taicho - Stop haunting the living. Pretending to be someone's departed ancestors or a shine kami just so they'll make offerings to you is tasteless and tacky.

Madarame Ikaku - Kuchiki-taicho's kenseikan is not the remains of his Hollow mask. If you don't stop pointing at him, screaming "Arrancar!", and fleeing in the opposite direction whenever you see him, we will allow him to exact punishment however he sees fit. - This does not mean you can point at him, scream "Arrancar!" and attack him instead. You are inspiring imitators. There are already rumors spreading at the academy about us having an Arrancar taicho.

Matsumoto-fukutaicho - If you must go undercover at a human high school, you should not ask other students where the tentacles are. Your perception of human high schools is highly skewed. Please consider branching out into other genres of anime.

Shihoin Yoruichi - Stop arranging invasions of Seireitei just so you can kidnap Soifon-taicho for a week.

Soifon-taicho - Stop arranging invasions of Seireitei just so you can run away with Shihoin for a week.

Ukitake-taicho - With your prior success of turning your illness to your advantage against the enemy, you have been approved for that spy mission you requested. However, please stop practicing your "betrayal" in view of those not in the know. We have had to deal with far too many terrified young Shinigami who are desperate to report that "Ukitake-taicho is consuming the blood of the innocent and he coughed it up when it went down wrong!"

Unohana-taicho - Emptying bedpans is not a task for your fukutaicho, no matter what she might have said while intoxicated.

Urahara Kisuke - Stop making Gigai in the form of Shinigami without their knowledge, stuffing them with Mod Souls and renting them out for sexual purposes. - Eliminating the Mod Souls and renting out the vacant Gigai to somnophiliacs and necrophiliacs does not make it alright.

Zaraki-taicho - Giving your fukutaicho a jar of peanut butter and telling her to "go to town" was highly irresponsible.