Aizen Sosuke - Please stop flinging recently severed, still twitching body parts into Seireitei. We know you're evil. You don't have to prove it. - Matsumoto-fukutaicho would like it known that she does not enjoy bloody hands landing between her bosoms, then groping them.

Abarai-fukutaicho - There are no plans to replace all Zanpakuto with lightsabers.

Ayasegawa Yumichika - We do not "bish slap" those who annoy us. Even if they are an attractive male.

Hinamori-fukutaicho - You are not to deliver paperwork by dousing it in blood and pinning it to people's doors with a butcher knife. - Likewise, you are not to storm into Soifon-taicho's office, slam a message down on her desk inches from her nose and then pin it there by skewering it with a large, bloody knife. - This does not mean you can deliver messages by pinning Hell Butterflies to people's desks with thumbtacks. - Please report to the fourth division for an immediate psychological evaluation.

Hitsugaya-taicho - Please stop sending your dentist bills to Ukitake-taicho.

Ise-fukutaicho - The graffiti will stop. If we see one more depiction of sexual acts scrawled onto walls, you will be explaining to Kyoraku-taicho and Ukitake-taicho why you felt the need to paint them in flagrante.

Inoue Orihime - Your attempts to form a Zaraki Fanclub among the female Shinigami are not appreciated.

Kira-fukutaicho - When someone makes a disparaging comment about your division, this is not the time to glare, pull out a chainsaw and give it a few pointed revs.

Komamura-taicho - The next time Kusajishi-fukutaicho buys you a collar, do not put it on just to humor her. Shock collars can be very dangerous, especially when the controller is in her hands.

Kotetsu Kiyone - Stop stroking your taicho's hair and then claiming your hand is possessed by the devil. - Or Aizen.

Kotsubaki Sentaro - Stop tripping Kotetsu Kiyone and then claiming your foot is possessed.

Kuchiki-taicho - You are not to kill Kurosaki Ichigo for giving you that list of outdated laws on the pretense of being helpful.

Kuchiki Rukia - No one wants to hear about your plans for world conquest.

Kurosaki Ichigo - No one wants to hear about your plans for world conquest.

Kurotsuchi-taicho - No one wants to hear about your plans for world conquest.

Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - Should you find Kuchiki Rukia and Kurosaki Ichigo having a pleasant visit with your taicho, lock them in and inform the other taicho at once.

Kusajishi-fukutaicho - That jar of goo is not actually Kurotsuchi-taicho, even if you label it as such. Stop carrying it around, eating from it and cheerfully declaring, "Mmmm! That's some delicious mime-taicho!"

Kyoraku-taicho - Take that bra off your head now!

Madarame Ikaku - Iguanas are not to be released into unsuspecting Shinigami's bedrooms. Especially not while they are engaging in intimate acts. - There is no such thing as a plague of iguanas, Soul Society is not currently suffering from one and if it were, it would not be a sign of the apocalypse.

Matsumoto-fukutaicho - If you truly feel you will be more effective in combat when wearing a skintight leather catsuit, please wear it under your normal shihakusho. Seek out Soifon-taicho to aid you in altering your clothes to make them easier to remove in battle.

Omaeda-fukutaicho - Whoever told you that only the truly wealthy and noble perform rain dances on the roof in tribal garb was lying.

Soifon-taicho - No matter what Hitsugaya-taicho told you, there is no such thing as a Menos Rave and Aizen did not kick them out for disturbing his sleep.

Ukitake-taicho - I assure you, there are no ninja in Seireitei. You do not have to fear for your modesty.

Unohana-taicho - You are not permitted to refuse someone treatment just because "they pissed me off", "they were being a fuckhead" or "they should suffer". Perhaps you should take a small vacation.

Yamada Hanataro - When someone shoves you into the women's baths, you are not allowed to file charges of rape against them.

Zaraki-taicho - Leave Kurosaki Ichigo alone. He does not want a rematch.