Attention All Shinigami! - If you see Hinamori-fukutaicho, do not approach her. Instead, report the sighting to Unohana-taicho or the first taicho you see, immediately.
Abarai-fukutaicho - Just because most humans cannot see you does not mean you may streak naked through the streets of the living world.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - Any Shinigami caught moonlighting as an erotic dancer, phone sex operator, sex shop worker, nude model, prostitute, escort, pornographic actor or any other occupation in the adult services industry will be plying their trade in Hueco Mundo. - We are looking at you, Ayasegawa.
Hitsugaya-taicho - Seireitei does not have naturally occurring, roving, freak blizzards. Your excuses are becoming very weak. - Where are you going with that cult! Come back here!
Ichimaru Gin - You are not Henry the Eighth and your singing leaves much to be desired, especially over a megaphone. I would like to remind you that many of our Shinigami could be considered "odd" at the best of times and that psychological warfare does not work on the clinically insane. If you do not let us get a full eight hours each night, we will put into motion a plan known, quite appropriately, as Operation Flaming Undead Lemurs. You have been warned.
Ise-fukutaicho - You were not just following orders. - Upon reviewing your claims, it has been decided that your punishment will be transferred to Kyoraku-taicho. The next time your taicho gives you such sketchy orders, please confer with Ukitake-taicho before carrying them out.
Kuchiki-taicho - The next time your sister kidnaps someone, you are going to be the one to clean up her mess.
Kuchiki Rukia - The human pop group known as Morning Musume is not the upper echelons of the super-secret zero division, the merchandise you purchased is not "evidence" and we will not be reimbursing you for the price of concert tickets. - The zero division, should it exist, does not only accept female members and is not based in the living world under the alias Hello! Project.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - Stop kicking puppies and shaving kittens in an effort to be more "badass" than your predecessor. "Badass" is not synonymous with "batshit insane".
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - The words "Your hair is pretty. Can I have it?" are not to leave your mouth ever again.
Kyoraku Shunsui - Kuchiki Rukia is lying. Leave those teenage girls alone!
Madarame Ikaku - We will not tell you again. Stop pimping out Ayasegawa. Even if he asked you to.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - That is not what we meant! Put your clothes back on now!
Soifon-taicho - With the startling new evidence you have provided, we have been forced to reluctantly admit that yes, there may be such a thing as a Menos Rave. Now, please get rid of them. It is late and we are very tired.
Ukitake-taicho - When the group known as "The Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys" comes looking to recruit you, hide. They are up to no good. This should be obvious as they have the word "unholy" in their name and Ichimaru Gin is counted among their members. - No, you cannot reason with them or turn them down politely. Run. Hide. Do not confront them. They are more dangerous than they appear. We don't know where they came from or what their goal is, but they are to be considered a far greater threat than Aizen. Hitsugaya-taicho has already fallen to them. We cannot afford to lose another taicho!
Urahara Kisuke - Stop recalibrating soul pagers into "Awesome Detectors", setting them to go off to certain kinds of music and telling Kuchiki Rukia that they are Shinigami detectors that only detect taicho-class Shinigami and above.
Zaraki Kenpachi - No matter what Kuchiki Rukia said, you are not allowed to challenge the leader of Morning Musume to a fight. She is just a human.
AN - Apologies for the long time, no update. I've been fighting off a persistent summer cold. It's hard to laugh when your head is filled with snot, and I don't post something if I don't get at least a small giggle from it.