Attention All Arrancar! - Come to the light side. We have ice-cream cookie cake.
Aizen Sosuke - No, we are not ready to give up yet. In fact, we are winning. And stop trying to lure people away with cookies! We don't want your cookies! They look like crap and taste like cardboard. - ABARAI! SPIT THAT COOKIE OUT!
Abarai-fukutaicho - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - Stop trying to find your taicho a female companion by tricking unsuspecting women into a blind date with him.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - If you do not turn yourself in, we will be forced to send the lemurs after you. They know your scent. They will find you, and when they do, it will not be pleasant.
Hisagi-fukutaicho - Please be a bit more selective in the articles you publish. Several recent publications have been credited as giving Kurosaki Ichigo, Kurotsuchi Mayuri and Kuchiki Rukia ideas. Not to mention the recent string of disastrous dates and complaints filed by women who answered a personal ad reading "strong, tall man, powerful Shinigami, outgoing, great with kids, seeks unattached woman who is willing to be a mother figure" only to find out that the subject is Zaraki Kenpachi.
Hitsugaya-taicho - I don't care that the lesser members of the cult known as TUAoWHPb have formed a religion around you and now worship you as the incarnation of a certain dragon god. You will return to your post at once! And stop releasing your bankai when asked perform a miracle!
Inoue Orihime - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.
Ishida Uryu - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.
Kuchiki-taicho - Yes, you may hunt down and kill Kurosaki Ichigo and Urahara Kisuke for turning your sister into an Arrancar. Good luck, and have fun.
Kuchiki Rukia - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.
Kurosaki Ichigo - Your disappearance did not go unnoticed. We know what you did. No matter what you may claim, you did not do it for the good of Soul Society. You are hereby banished. Keep this up, and you will be executed. You are not indispensable.
Kurosaki Isshin (or whatever you wish to be called) - First, let us express our supreme shock at seeing you alive and well in the living world. Second, we must ask that you please stop cheering your son on. He does not need encouragement to be a psychotic deviant. He is doing well enough with that on his own.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - Please focus on only one thing at a time. Accidentally adding parts meant for the mind-swap device onto the new medical scanner because you got distracted by a passing Hell Butterfly is not as amusing as it sounds.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - Despite what Kurosaki Ichigo told you, you are no one's love doll. Least of all his.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please take off that Hollow mask. You are not a Vizard. - On second thought, you may keep it. Seeing Zaraki-taicho literally skin that Arrancar alive when he offered you a cookie makes the panic you are causing worth it.
Kyoraku-taicho - Keep your Zanpakuto sheathed. Multiplication is not always a good thing.
Madarame Ikaku - Stop bothering Kurotsuchi-taicho. He is far too busy to listen to you talk about what you did with three thousand rolls of toilet paper, several gallons of toothpaste and a couple dozen buckets of gold and silver glitter. - On second thought, why don't you come tell me instead.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Despite what Kurosaki Ichigo told you, you are no one's love doll. Least of all his. Also, becoming a Vizard will not increase your breast size.
Sado Yasutora - Please report to Kurotsuchi-taicho to submit yourself for study in an effort to un-Arrancar yourself.
Shiba Kukaku - We know what Kurosaki Ichigo has been up to and he will be punished appropriately. You do not have to scream "Oh God! Keep him on a leash!" at us.
Soifon-taicho - That photo you received of Urahara Kisuke and Shihoin Yoruichi in flagrante was a badly created fake. This should have been very obvious to you as Shihoin's head was pasted onto the body of a Russian supermodel and Urahara's head was pasted onto the body of a midget. I believe you owe Urahara an apology, and you will be paying his hospital bills.
Ukitake-taicho - ...where did you go?
Urahara Kisuke - Stop turning people into Vizard! Just because your punishment stands does not mean you should commit the crime you were erroneously convicted for!
Unohana-taicho - Once you have sorted out which mind belongs to which body, Kurotsuchi-taicho could use your help in separating the Hollow bits from the Shinigami bits on our most recent Kurosaki Cluster Fuck™.
Zaraki-taicho - We appreciate the fact that you are trying to give Kusajishi-fukutaicho a happy childhood. However, Seireitei does not celebrate Christmas. Please remove the Christmas lights from your hair and replace them with your customary bells. - Even if the lights are musical and play the Carol of the Bells.