Attention All! - Anyone who is not 100% pure Shinigami, please report to Kurosaki-taicho at once. You are hereby assigned to the newly created thirteenth and three quarters division. This includes all Hollows, Quincy, Vizard, Arrancar, super powered humans, cat people and any other hybrids of a similar nature. Currently seated officers will be performing double-duty in both their old division and the unfortunately named new division.
Abarai-fukutaicho - I did not think it was possible for you to embarrass Seireitei any more than when you decided to become a mad scientist without actually knowing anything about the subject, staged a coup of the twelfth division, replaced all members with Shinigami from the eleventh, blew it all up within the first half hour and caused a mushroom cloud that hung ominously over a good portion of Soul Society for more than a week. I see now that I was mistaken. No matter how effective it may be, please stop beating your enemies unconscious with a six foot long, hot pink, rubber phallus wielded like a sword. - Dual wielding them is not part of your Resurrección. Also, stop flaunting your Hollow powers or you will be locked up until a way is found to remove them.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - No. Just ... no. Go to your room and think about what you've done. Don't come out until you are prepared to act like a proper, adult Shinigami with no bizarre sexual fetishes or deviant behaviors. We don't ask that you become a proper Shinigami, as that would be asking far too much, only that you act like one.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - Stop playing in the runoff from the twelfth division. That is not the way to go about gaining superpowers. You are a Shinigami. You already have superpowers.
Hitsugaya-taicho - No, you may not join the thirteenth and three quarters division on the basis that you are the incarnation of a god. You are not the incarnation of a god!
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - Due to your taicho's recent unexplained disappearance, we are counting on you to lead your division. This means you cannot be part of the ongoing search effort. Give the controller to Soifon-taicho and there will not be an inquiry as to why or how you managed to implant your taicho with a tracking device.
Kuchiki-taicho - We must, regretfully, ask you to stop trying to kill Kurosaki Ichigo. Upon witnessing the havoc he and his cohorts can wreak with proper motivation, we have decided that we'd rather be with them than against them. To this end, he has been made a taicho. Yes, we are aware that this is a recipe for disaster. Considering the alternatives, we'd prefer he unleash his chaos on our enemies rather than us.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Stop insisting everyone call you "O great and powerful Kuchiki Rukia-fukutaicho-sama". Also, the next time you smack Kuchiki-taicho in the face with your fukutaicho badge and declare "In your face, beeotch!", we will not intervene on your behalf. - What is wrong with you?
Kurosaki-taicho - Considering your travesty of a division name, you are no longer allowed to name things. Congratulations on setting a new record for the fastest paperwork ever filed though.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - Stop switching the eleventh division's paintballs for untested-mutagenic-formula-balls.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - While the circumstances of your creation may qualify you for a position in the thirteenth and three quarters division, Kurosaki-taicho does not need another fukutaicho. Also, despite what he may have told you, "fukutaicho" is not synonymous with "sex slave".
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please stop bringing home mascots for the thirteenth and three quarters division every time you visit Hueco Mundo.
Kyoraku-taicho - You may not discipline your subordinates with a punishment involving the phrase "You've been bad. Go to my room."
Madarame Ikaku - Warn us the next time you feel the need for a division-wide paintball war. It inevitably escalates into a Seireitei-wide paintball-and-bankai war.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - You are forbidden from intentionally becoming a catgirl. If you do become a catgirl, we will know it was intentional as you have already stated a desire to become one and you will be punished appropriately. - You do not have a right to become a catgirl just because of the form your zanpakuto spirit takes, nor do we believe that your zanpakuto put you up to it. - Yes, should your bankai involve becoming a catgirl, it will be exempt. This does not mean you should attempt to influence it in an effort to become a catgirl without reprisal, even if only temporarily.
Soifon-taicho - We are aware that it is imperative to maintain order and enforce the rules. However, the next time you catch one of your subordinates reading porn instead of working, please think of a better punishment than calling a meeting of the entire Gotei 13 and forcing them to read it aloud. Also, considering the content of the work and some of the questions raised by certain unnamed individuals, you will be the one to explain to Hitsugaya-taicho and the other child prodigies the finer points of BDSM.
Ukitake-taicho - Has anyone seen Ukitake-taicho?
Unohana-taicho - Stop jabbing people with needles and injecting them with sedatives when they refuse to comply with your commands.
Urahara Kisuke - Stop spreading rumors. Some Shinigami are naive enough to believe them.
Yamada Hanataro - Due to a recent spate of varied and oftentimes outlandish rumors about you, we must ask that you submit yourself to your taicho for a complete set of physical and psychological exams, then report to Soifon-taicho for tests of your combat skills. Depending on the results, you may remain at your current post or be reassigned to anything from the thirteenth and three quarters division to the zero division... should it exist.
Zaraki-taicho - Until the results of his tests are in, you will stop challenging Yamada Hanataro to a fight. Official position is that he is just a mild-mannered healer. He is not a superpowered crime fighter, an elite assasin, a double agent or secretly the Soul King in disguise.