To the Shinigami Women's Association - We must ask that you move your twice-weekly yoga group sessions somewhere more private. Or at least wear something more concealing than a leotard.
Aizen Sosuke - Stop trying to whore your subordinates to Kurosaki-taicho in hopes of getting him to defect. You are clearly unaware of the Kurosaki Effect™. If he wants that slutty, scantily-clad, female Arrancar, he will take that slutty, scantily-clad, female Arrancar, and she will be glad of it. You have little to no say in it. I have little to no say in it. Accept it, as I have, and move on.
Abarai-fukutaicho - Stop filling your taicho's clothes full of birdseed and then releasing flocks of pigeons near him. - No, you are not just trying to find the correct pigeon-to-shinigami strength-weight ratio. They are not going to carry him off and it is not funny to watch him flail wildly as they tear at his clothes and hair.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - Considering what you got up to when sent to your room as punishment, you are now banned from your room. You will instead be sleeping in Kusajishi-fukutaicho's room. Footy pajamas are required.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - No, you do not get to pick your new taicho. Even if you did, "Aizen-taicho" would not be a valid choice.
Hisagi-fukutaicho - I suggest you become more diligent in weeding out troublemakers in your division and do not allow so many false news stories to make it to the public. You will be held responsible for every article published. It is not a tabloid. - On that note, there is no such thing as giant pigeons, they are not being used for shipping in the living world, and they are not attacking tourists and the elderly. - Stop using YouTube as your source of news for the human world.
Hitsugaya-taicho - Stop ending your written reports with "So it is written, so shall it be" and your sentences with "As I will it, so shall it be done." You are a taicho. You already have near absolute authority over your division. - You are not a god.
Ichimaru Gin - Stop trying to seduce Kurosaki-taicho. We have given him ample reason not to defect. No matter how many times you show up to battle dressed in go-go boots, a g-string, bunny ears and a smile, he is staying right where he is; even if we have to whore the entire Gotei 13 to him.
Ise-fukutaicho - When your taicho jokingly tells you to go to his room, you are not to surprise him there in full-body leather and six inch heels, wielding a riding crop and handcuffs.
Kira-fukutaicho - If you must perform a Walk of Shame, please make sure you are not also suffering from a wardrobe malfunction.
Kuchiki-taicho - Unfortunately, Kurosaki-taicho is well within his rights to ask that you address him as such. However, we must admit, the fact that he now shrieks like a little girl at the sight of cherry blossoms and hides under his desk at the word "chire" is highly amusing.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - The price of bellydancing lessons is not to be deducted from your expense account. We have made it very clear, time and again, that the thirteenth and three quarters division is NOT a harem!
Kurosaki-taicho - Yes, you may personalize your taicho coat however you wish, within reason. Yes, you are required to wear it at all times. No, there is no such thing as a "taicho thong". No, you were not talking about the kind that go on your feet! - We are not holding out on you!
Kurotsuchi-taicho - You - you - ... I don't even have words for how much I despise you right now. Your position in the Gotei 13 is very precarious. You will, with great haste, personally chase down and capture each and every member of the thirteenth and three quarters division that you, for whatever bizarre and twisted reasons, turned into their inner Hollow selves and then enlarged exponentially, and FIX THEM, or I will give your position back to Urahara and have you EXECUTED! - THIS IS NOT FUNNY!
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - When the situation is this dire, you may interrupt private meetings to make your report. Slipping a note under my door stating "Mayuri-sama wishes me to inform you that a group of experimental Hollows may have escaped confinement" does not accurately convey the seriousness of the Kurosaki Clusterfuck™ currently taking place. Do not assume that I am aware that there are several dozen Shinigami/Vizard/Quincy/Arrancar-turned-Kaiju causing havoc and smashing buildings in Seireitei.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Just because Kuchiki-taicho apparantly carries a pork bun in his sleeve "in case of emergencies" does not mean you can climb up them to find out what else he has up there.
Kyoraku-taicho - Please consider soundproofing your personal rooms. We could hear your screams all the way from the first division.
Madarame Ikaku - Return those sheep immediately, and take those panties off your head.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Stop trying to rent out your taicho in the summer months as air conditioning. - No, you may not rent out floor space in his office either. Not even if you tell him that they have come to worship at his feet. We do not need anyone reinforcing his delusions of godhood.
Soifon-taicho - The next time you get drunk, try to overthrow me and replace me with a cat, you will be demoted.
Ukitake-taicho - We are very glad to have you back with us. You may return to duty once the shackle marks have faded. Please keep each and every appointment with your therapist. We do not need you to suffer delusions like Hitsugaya-taicho.
Yamada Hanataro - We now return you to your regularly scheduled duties. Since your test results are classified, we recommend that if you see Zaraki-taicho, you run.
Zaraki-taicho - Kurosaki-taicho is not your clone. Nel Tu is not Kusajishi-fukutaicho's clone. Do not encourage their behavior. It can only end badly.