To the Entire Eleventh Division - The next time someone proposes a toga party, just say no. - Having a normal party, getting hammered, stripping naked, going streaking, losing your clothes, wrapping yourselves in bedding and wearing it for the rest of the night while you proceed to get so drunk you leave a field of unconscious people covered only by sheets strewn across Seireitei and a good portion of Rukongai is not really a toga party. In the eleventh, it's called Tuesday.
Aizen Sosuke - Stop hijacking the Hell Butterflies and making them broadcast anti-Seireitei propaganda to the masses. - Or porn.
Abarai-fukutaicho - If you feel a toga party is absolutely necessary, please keep it confined to one area of Seireitei. The rest of us have no desire to see a drunken Zaraki-taicho beat up a helpless shopkeeper for the imagined crime of looking up his bedsheet. - Actually, most of us have no desire to see Zaraki-taicho in only a bedsheet at all, much less on a windy day.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - Throwing a temper tantrum just because we won't allow you to wear more "beautiful" shoes with your shihakusho was highly immature. As punishment, you will take that hammer and pry up each and every pair of shoes you nailed to the roof like shingles and return them to their proper owners.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - You are hereby forbidden to ever again take "fukutaicho lessons" from Kusajishi-fukutaicho.
Hitsugaya-taicho - Stop freezing your division's doors shut in an effort to keep Matsumoto-fukutaicho out.
Ichimaru Gin - Please stop sending Kurosaki-taicho naughty love notes. You are disturbing him and making Matsumoto-fukutaicho jealous. Also, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's fuck" does not rhyme.
Kira-fukutaicho - Stop taking lessons from Ichimaru Gin on seduction.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho - Just because Seireitei is having a "quiet" day does not mean it is the start of the apocalypse. You should know better than to say things like that.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - No, you may not have dual membership in both the thirteenth and the thirteenth and three quarters divisions. Neither of you are anything but Shinigami. - Stop bugging Kurotsuchi-taicho. He is not going to turn you into Vizard. He is in enough trouble as it is. - Stop bugging Urahara. He may turn you into Vizard, but he may also turn you into anything from a full Hollow to a common garden slug. He is not to be trusted. - I believe you have been warned to stop stalking Kurosaki-taicho. For the last time, he is not Shiba Kaien!
Kuchiki-taicho - Reverse psychology is not to be tried on Kurosaki-taicho.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Though it negated much damage to person and property, and was fairly amusing, you should not cover your taicho in catnip in anticipation of a fight with Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.
Kurosaki-taicho - This is the one and only time you may use "He followed me home. Can I keep him?" to excuse your actions. We are well aware that he did indeed just follow you home, and yes, you may keep him, provided you take full responsibility for his care. Feed him, walk him, keep him entertained and keep him away from Zaraki-taicho. We have enough "unplanned construction projects" because of you two as it is. We don't need to add an Arrancar to the mix.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - You should not force your subordinates to wear big bird costumes and attempt to mate with ostriches in an effort to create chocobos. I don't care that you already have a recipe for "Kentucky Fried Chocobo" and that it promises to be "finger lickin' good".
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - "Kill me now" is a figure of speech. It does not mean the speaker wishes you to pounce and begin to choke them. - Alright, so Kyoraku-taicho may have intended for you to do so. This does not mean you should.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Stop trying to shave Komamura-taicho to see what's under all that fur.
Kyoraku-taicho - When we asked you to teach a class at the academy, we did not mean Sex Ed. The academy does not have a Sex Ed class. - This does not mean you can begin class with "Heads down on desks. Sensei's got a hangover." - Stay away from the impressionable young Shinigami-of-tomorrow.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Latex paint is not a substitute for clothing, no matter how artfully done.
Soifon-taicho - I understand that you may be frustrated with the ineffectiveness of some of your subordinates. However, when issuing orders in a combat situation, "You go that way! You go around the back! You run in a circle, pull your hair and scream like a girl!" is not the way to make it known when one of them is panicking.
Ukitake-taicho - When Zaraki-taicho offered you a ride, it did not mean what you thought it did. Answering his offer, no matter how lewd it may have seemed to be, with your shikai was overreacting. Have you missed one of your therapy sessions?
Unohana-taicho - Please do not torment the emotionally frail.
Yamada Hanataro - Just because you heard Kotetsu-fukutaicho say that it has been "very quiet lately" does not mean that her casual remark of how it must herald the beginning of the apocalypse is actually correct. - Get out of Hitsugaya-taicho's oubliette. It is not a bomb shelter.
Zaraki-taicho - You are not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. - Despite claims to the contrary, it is obvious that you are a very intelligent individual. It takes a great deal of time, planning and research to pull off your latest stunt. To scour Hueco Mundo for lesser Hollows that look like monsterous horses, all in very specific colors, must have taken quite a bit of patience. We are aware that there was a minor scuffle over who would have the red Hollow-horse, but find it very appropriate that Kusajishi-fukutaicho took on the role of War, even if she only wanted it because red is close to pink and it reminds her of the freshly spilt blood of her enemies. We hope that Madarame has recovered from his injuries, but feel we must point out that his white Hollow-horse was very red itself by the time he finished bleeding all over it. Also, ignoring the methods by which you enforce order among your division, we must thank you for making Ayasegawa wash the glitter off his black Hollow-horse, despite how "unattractive" and "plain" it may have been. Hanging the severed heads of Arrancar, expressions frozen in horror, from the horns of your pale Hollow-horse was also a very effective tactic for spreading terror throughout the ranks of the enemy. (We will refrain from asking why or where you keep the heads of your defeated enemies.) While Seireitei cannot officially condone your methods, I feel that it must be said: When the four of you leapt out of that Senkaimon on horseback, waving your Zanpakuto overhead, with the entirety of the Eleventh Division on your heels, all letting out battle cries the likes of which have not been heard since the dawn of time, we feel quite certain that Aizen shat himself. On behalf of all of Soul Society, I thank you.