To All Female Shinigami - Please stop publicly discussing and comparing the physical attributes of your conquests. - This doesn't mean you may publicly speculate about those you have not bedded either. - It is not a foregone conclusion that Zaraki-taicho, just by value of being one of the tallest, broadest and strongest men around, is likewise comparable below the belt and thus puts all others to shame. No matter how he encourages this rumor. - Stop trying to emasculate your comrades.

Aizen Sosuke - For sneaking those Jehovah's Witnesses into Seireitei, you will die. - On second thought, upon defeat, you will become Kusajishi-fukutaicho's new playmate. Yes, there are fates worse than the total obliteration of your soul.

Abarai-fukutaicho - Stop obeying the voices in your head. That is your inner Hollow, not your conscience. - Even if it is your conscience, you should still know better than to leap naked out of Kurosaki-taicho's birthday cake.

Ayasegawa Yumichika- Your division is not build on an ancient people's sacred burial ground, there are no ghosts haunting the barracks and you aren't fooling anyone. Everyone knows what those sounds are, except perhaps Kusajishi-fukutaicho. Would you like to be the one to explain it to her?

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez- There is no such thing as an application form to change your release command. Even if there were, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Pantera" would not receive official approval.

Hinamori-fukutaicho- We do not tar and feather people we don't like. Your new taicho is to be obeyed, not attacked.

Hisagi-fukutaicho - I don't know what "photoshop" is, but you will immediately stop printing anything involving it. - I am not pregnant! Those pictures are clearly false!

Hitsugaya-taicho- Stop ending all of your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy". - I thought you'd gotten past this?

Ichimaru Gin - Stop kidnapping Matsumoto-fukutaicho and disappearing for weeks on end. - If you absolutely must, could you at least leave a note? Hitsugaya-taicho starts looking for replacements after a day and a half.

Ise-fukutaicho- Death Note slip covers are not as amusing as you think.

Ishida Uryu- I don't know where you found that old air raid siren, but it is not the proper way to ensure we all get up on time in the morning. - "On time" does not mean "thirty-seven minutes after midnight".

Inoue Orihime- When you asked if your boyfriend could join the Gotei 13, we only agreed because you described him as "calm, powerful and obedient to authority". We must ask that the next time you make such a request you include such vital descriptors as "Arrancar, Espada and formerly-dead enemy" as well. - Please stop using your powers to resurrect our enemies.

Kira-fukutaicho - I'm not sure what you, Hinamori-fukutaicho, Kuchiki-fukutaicho, Abarai-fukutaicho, Hisagi-fukutaicho, Matsumoto-fukutaicho and Yamada Hanataro are up to, but please be advised that the next time I walk into a room to find you all huddled together on the floor with what looked like maps of the first division, leaping to your feet and shouting "The jig is up! Scramble!" will only serve to make me more suspicious.

Komamura-taicho- If Kusajishi-fukutaicho corners you to "brush puppy's teeth," please rinse and spit before you run away. Rabies is not a laughing matter.

Kotetsu-fukutaicho- We do not perform organ transplants in Soul Society, especially without our patient's permission. Not even as experiments. This goes for sex change operations as well. - The next time a male shinigami wakes up from a coma to find that they are now a woman, you will be demoted.

Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro- Stop running into rooms, pointing behind you, grabbing your hair and screaming in terror at the top of your lungs, then faking fainting while everyone else panics as they try to figure out what is going on and if they should be running away.

Kuchiki-taicho- Just because Kurosaki-taicho glued your zanpakuto in its sheath does not mean you should bludgeon him with the fused result.

Kuchiki-fukutaicho- Stop locking your brother in closets with Kurosaki-taicho.

Kurosaki-taicho - Stop trying to blame your actions on your Hollow self. He is not a split personality and we are holding you responsible for all actions committed by any being in possession of your body. If you can't fight them off and maintain control, you don't deserve to be a taicho.

Kurotsuchi-taicho- Despite what Zaraki-taicho said, Painted Streetwalkers are not a type of bird and we will not be importing them for study.

Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Please return to Soul Society at once. Those are flamingos. - If your taicho orders you to the living world to bring back specimens, inform another taicho immediately so we can stop you.

Kusajishi-fukutaicho- You do not need a hip holster for your pocky. Stop requisitioning one.

Kyoraku-taicho- When Soifon-taicho goes to the human world for a brief vacation with Shihoin, you are not to follow them around with a camera hoping to have a lesbian porn photo op. - If you somehow do manage to acquire said pictures, you are not allowed to distribute them to others. - Or start your own "candid camera" company.

Madarame Ikaku - We do not have an Explosive Ordinance Detonation Squad and even if we did, you would not be in charge of it.

Matsumoto-fukutaicho- You are not to label your trashcan as your Inbox for paperwork.

Sado Yasutora - My apologies. After a review of your file, it appears Danger really is your middle name.

Shihoin Yoruichi - Stop making attempts on my life by leaping out of Soifon-taicho's clothes, changing form mid-leap, lunging at me naked, shouting "Banzai Jiji!" and shaking your breasts in my face. I am not going to have a heart attack and die. Even if I did, you would not be my replacement.

Soifon-taicho- Stop smuggling Shihoin in cat form into meetings in your clothes.

Ukitake-taicho- When eating cherries, please remove the stem and discard it before placing the fruit in your mouth. This is good policy as the stems present a choking hazard, but recently we have received many requests from innocent onlookers that a new policy be made to prevent you from tying the stems in knots with your tongue before discarding them. It seems anyone who witnesses this display develops spontaneous nosebleeds and often spends many hours afterwords in a daze. Unohana-taicho is running out of room for the afflicted.

Urahara Kisuke- When asked what you are doing, the answer should not be "Sacrificing Sasakibe to the Dark Gods of the Netherworld."

Unohana-taicho- Ikebana should not end in tragedy.

Yamada Hanataro- Please stop destroying evidence. We are running out of fire extinguishers.

Zaraki-taicho - Stop coming up with inventive slang terms for prostitutes and convincing Kurotsuchi-taicho to ask for permission to study them.

AN - Today is my birthday and I have a new appreciation for the complaints of people who regularly have birthdays on holidays. Not a single person remembered, other than my mother. Even my godfather had to be reminded and this is the first time in twenty-seven years that I have not received a birthday present from him. Kinda sucks.