To All Female Shinigami - Just because a Star Wars convention is coming to Soul Society does not mean that you must all cosplay as slave Leia. - Kyoraku-taicho does not have the authority to countermand my orders.
Aizen Sosuke- We are afraid to ask why you are building a railroad through Soul Society.
Abarai-fukutaicho- Remove that undergarment from your head.
Ayasegawa Yumichika- Stop selling tickets to watch your taicho "train" members of your division.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez- When your comrades are in danger, you should not stand back and remark, "It's nice to see fellow Hollows in such large numbers like this. I feel so comfortable." Get in there and rescue them. Less quipping, more saving.
Hinamori-fukutaicho- Remove that undergarment from your head.
Hisagi-fukutaicho- There is no such thing as Boxer Bandits. There is no need to report on their activities. - Undercover work is not needed. Remove that undergarment from your head. - It's not "undercover work" if you're actually one of them.
Hitsugaya-taicho- Just because Kuchiki-fukutaicho has an ice/snow type zanpakuto does not mean she wants to join your cult as the high priestess.
Ichimaru Gin- Remove that undergarment from your head.
Inoue Orihime- Unfortunately, if you declare yourself "Inoue-kami-sama, Queen of Hueco Mundo" you will have to resign as a shinigami due to a conflict of interests. - On second thought, we of Soul Society congratulate you on your ascension to the throne and hope to keep a good working relationship with you. Also, please tell your new vassal, "Aizen-puppy", that he brought this on himself.
Ise-fukutaicho - Stop addressing Zaraki-taicho as "Aries, God of War." We do not need another cult based around the worship of a shinigami.
Ishida Uryu- It has recently come to our attention that you failed to inform your father that you would be joining us here in Seireitei. Just because you are a "unique mix of Hollow, Quincy and Awesome" does not mean you may ignore the authority of your legal guardian. In the thirteenth and three quarters division, you aren't really that unique at all. Go tell him you've disobeyed his wishes and deal with the consequences. - This does not mean you should lead a cadre of academy students on an "expedition to recover lost treasure in the lair of the evil overlord". - You are no longer allowed to be a guest speaker at the academy. - On second thought, you are no longer allowed within fifty feet of the academy. - What are you doing with that bullhorn?
Kira-fukutaicho- Remove that undergarment from your head.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho- "Oh god, it's loose! Somebody get the catch-pole!" is not something I ever want to hear again.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro- Remove those undergarments from your heads.
Kuchiki-taicho- I understand that Kusajishi-fukutaicho is very persistent, but once you find the glue remover, please remove that undergarment from your head.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Just because you have more male than female friends does not mean we will call you Big Mama and you may not attempt to pimp them out. - Stop hanging out with Ayasegawa. - I did not mean that you should hang out with those deviants instead. Remove that undergarment from your head.
Kurosaki-taicho - If, after several minutes of embarrassingly one-sided combat in which you have not even drawn your zanpakuto, your opponent begs you to please just kill him, the proper response is a quick dispatching blow, not "Hell no! I'm having too much fun beating on you!"
Kurotsuchi-taicho- When surrounded by Hollows, with your zanpakuto out of commission, severely weakened and facing almost certain death, you are not to say "Fuck it", reach into your robes, pull out That Device and press the button. Nuclear weapons are not toys, not even for you. - After you pull yourself together, we must ask that all work on The Annihilator Mark II stop immediately.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Please keep in mind that dinosaurs are extinct for a reason. You may not resurrect them, no matter how awesome it may be to unleash them on Hueco Mundo. - We of Seireitei believe you are spending far too much time alone with your taicho. Please consider taking up a hobby. Soifon-taicho has extended to you an invitation to join her new needlepoint club.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho- Stop gluing things to people.
Kyoraku-taicho- You should not challenge others to "donut-hanging contests" to see who can hang the most donuts from their person. Especially not if you wait for the others to finish, then drop your pants. - The Boxer Bandits are not copying you, just because you often wake up that way.
Madarame Ikaku- Remove that undergarment from your head.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho- Stop offering to make Hitsugaya-taicho a man. It gets his hopes up, then makes him both angry and depressed as he realizes you were not speaking literally. - Yes, even if you do it just so you can try to cheer him up later. - Remove those panties from your head. I don't think you quite understand the concept behind the "Boxer" Bandits.
Shiba Ganju- Considering your affiliation with Kurosaki-taicho, we shall ignore your sudden and highly suspicious shift in attitude about shinigami. However, when you apply for a position in the Gotei 13, it is best to just say you want to join the thirteenth and three quarters division rather than repeatedly asking "Do I get to blow shit up?" We like to keep our whack jobs in more or less the same place.
Shiba Kuukaku- Firing red bottle rockets into Seireitei and blaming it on Urahara only works the first time.
Shihoin Yoruichi- Please do not barge into meetings, throw Soifon-taicho over your shoulder, declare that you are borrowing her for a while and shunpo away.
Soifon-taicho - A trained ape could not do Zaraki-taicho's job. Get rid of those simians at once. - We honestly did not realize that you had drugged the entire eleventh division, stashed them in Hitsugaya-taicho's oubliette and replaced them all with apes. On second thought, your idea has merit. Carry on.
Ulquiorra Schiffer- Despite what Grimmjow told you, it is not a requirement in the Gotei 13 to have a snappy comment ready for use before you begin a battle. We will be docking your pay for the therapy of the half-dozen Shinigami who heard you say "This hurts me almost as much as it hurts you. No, on second thought, it really doesn't." before ripping your enemy's head off.
Ukitake-taicho- Please stop teaching new recruits the Kurosaki Route-to-Power™. Our taicho and fukutaicho are tired of being challenged by academy students.
Unohana-taicho- When the exact same members of the eleventh show up for the third time in as many hours and ask you to reattach their limbs so they can get back to the brawl already in progress, please do not open a portal to Hell and shove them through. Wasting your time is not technically a crime worthy of eternal torment.
Urahara Kisuke- "I didn't think anyone would notice" is no excuse. Stop picking on my fukutaicho.
Yamada Hanataro- Remove that undergarment from your head.
Zaraki-taicho - Stop telling people to "Save a horse, ride a Shinigami." When was the last time you saw a Shinigami riding a horse? - Yourself, Kusajishi-fukutaicho, Madarame and Ayasegawa do not count. - Remove that undergarment from your head. - For the last time, stop encouraging your fukutaicho!
AN- So, boy do I feel like an idiot. When this site changed its user area system thing, one of my browser addons decided ffnet was Teh Devil and I was no longer allowed to use it. Of course, every time in the past that I couldn't use the site, it had been ffnet's fault. For months, I didn't even consider disabling my addons for this site. Thus, no updates. In fact, I couldn't even read here. I deserted ffnet like a rat from a sinking ship. But now I'm back!
Also - HOLY PRADA, BATMAN! I'm on TV Tropes! Twice! I found a reference to this fic under Suspiciously Specific Denial and as a Bleach fic rec. How can I not update after that?