Attention All- Romantic entanglements with the enemy do not entitle you to diplomatic immunity.
Aizen Sosuke- Kidnapping female shinigami, tying them to railroad tracks and attempting to run them over with a train does not make you a "card carrying villain".
Abarai-fukutaicho- There is no need to include in your reports any extracurricular activities, unless they directly influence your mission. Your five page report on the dance lessons Kuchiki-fukutaicho made you take, your debut at a club and your subsequent education in the fine art of pickup lines is going in the trash. - Though, I must admit, there was some nice use of prose. I had no idea there were so many synonyms for passionate.
Ayasegawa Yumichika- Stop flirting with straight men just to confuse them.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez - Kurosaki-taicho does not have a tattooed penis and no one believes your stories about how you found out, and thank you so much for those mental images.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - Aizen does not have diplomatic immunity just because you want to "hug him and squeeze him and love him all to death".
Hisagi-fukutaicho- No matter how tired you may be of answering such questions, when someone asks if your tattoo is an indication of your sexual specialty, the proper response is never a punch in the face.
Hitsugaya-taicho- You may not declare a holy war on another division in your own name.
Ichimaru Gin- If you didn't want all of Seireitei to know your business then you shouldn't have chained yourself naked to Matsumoto-fukutaicho's bed and swallowed the key, necessitating the use of bolt cutters and a team of helpful workmen.
Inoue Orihime- Stop using your boyfriend's special abilities to acquire "funtime footage" for the Shinigami Women's Association.
Ise-fukutaicho- Seireitei is not Mt. Olympus. I am not Zeus, nor am I Uranus. (It is not pronounced how you think it is.) Unohana-taicho is not Hera. Stop convincing academy students to address Zaraki-taicho as "Lord Aries" and Kyoraku-taicho as "Great Dionysus".
Ishida Ryuken- We didn't kidnap your son. He came willingly, whether we wanted him to or not. - If you can take him, feel free. Otherwise, stop attacking us.
Ishida Uryu- Stop blaming me for your actions!
Kira-fukutaicho - Just because your division seems unable to keep a taicho does not mean you may declare yourself taicho. If you want to be taicho, achieve bankai and do it like (almost) everyone else.
Komamura-taicho- Considering the unfortunate result of "Puppy's Bathtime", you are excused from duty until the dye wears off.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho- You did not start World War II. That was a hallucination you had after being jabbed with a needle full of sedative by an uncooperative Zaraki-taicho.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro- Stop following Ayasegawa around and providing a running commentary of his actions in an overly dramatic Australian accent. He is not a rare and endangered, vibrantly plumaged fowl and while he may be attempting to entice Madarame to mate, we do not need you to describe his mating dance.
Kuchiki-taicho- Due to the frequency with which you find yourself locked in a closet with Kurosaki-taicho, we must ask that you always carry some sort of paperwork with you, otherwise it may never get done. Or you could tie a bell on your sister. Either way works.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho- Stop putting up lost posters of Neliel tu Odersvank claiming that Kurosaki-taicho has lost his Shoulder Pet.
Kurosaki-taicho- Kuchiki-taicho does not have a pierced tongue and no one believes your stories about how you found out.
Kurosaki Isshin- Stop tricking unsuspecting shinigami into believing you are the new taicho for any division, giving them bizarre orders and running away back to the living world before anyone realizes you are the wrong "Kurosaki-taicho".
Kusajishi-fukutaicho- We know where our genitals are. You do not need to label them for us.
Kurotsuchi-taicho- When people scream at the sight of you and flee in the opposite direction, it should not give you feelings of warmth and satisfaction.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Considering your biology is a mystery to us and we cannot say for certain whether or not you suffer from PMS, your assault of your taicho is forgiven.
Kyoraku-taicho - No matter how many times you ask, no matter how many forms you fill out or official proposals you draw up, we will not be replacing the female shihakusho with a steel bra, thigh-high stockings, miniskirt, stilettos and nurse cap. - There has got to be something more constructive you can do with your time.
Madarame Ikaku- The moonwalk is a dance move, not an actual way of walking. Stop it.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho- Stop telling vulgar stories during work hours.
Shihoin Yoruichi- Only when you are in cat form may you clean yourself in public.
Soifon-taicho - Please do not ever again attempt to teach Yamada Hanataro anything.
Ukitake-taicho- A vorpal bunny is not as cute as it sounds and I doubt Hitsugaya-taicho would appreciate receiving it as a gift.
Ulquiorra Schiffer- Movie night should not begin with the removal of an eye.
Unohana-taicho- Leeches should not be a part of your medical arsenal.
Urahara Kisuke- "I was bored" does not adequately explain why you felt the need to conquer Hell.
Yamada Hanataro- Congratulations on finally learning Shunpo. Never use it again.
Zaraki-taicho - I am frankly amazed at what the eleventh division is capable of when properly motivated and fully sober. That you managed to get everyone in your division to pool their savings to install a series of hot springs and build an elaborate spa is an amazing, yet odd, undertaking, but we have had a remarkable fifty percent rise in productivity since its construction. My only suggestions are that you hire actual masseurs instead of staffing it entirely with members of your division and that you open it up to men as well.
AN = If no one has yet noticed, I have trouble spelling Grimmjow's and Nel's names. I blame it on the fact that, no matter where I look for the proper spellings, they're always spelled differently that the last place I looked. At least Ulquiorra only has two or three different spellings for his last name. It was easy enough to pick the one that I thought sounded most correct.